Times have changed. Our young adults may not show up when we need them most. And that scares the hell out of me! There was a time in my life when I showed up for pretty much anything and everything. I had youthful energy and enthusiasm to drive me. In those days, I never stopped to ask myself if I should or shouldn’t show up. It hadn’t occurred to me that I wouldn’t show up to a workshop, a party, a class, church, or an event. I always showed up. And if I signed up to be there, I was there. I was there whenever and wherever I was expected. I never stopped to ask myself if I wanted to be here or there. I just showed up as if I had no choice in the matter. In my late 30s that changed. I got into the habit of questioning whether or not I would show up. How and why did that happen? And has this questioning been a good thing or a bad thing? I’m beginning to realize that on the whole this questioning has been a bad thing. I’ve allowed myself to miss out on some pretty important, life-enriching moments. And our youth are missing out, too.
It all started innocently enough. From 1989 – 1995, I experienced a number of losses: both my parents, a grandfather, two aunts, two uncles, a divorce, and the death of a young student. And then a friend died. I was seeing a therapist at the time and I tearfully shared how emotionally drained I was and that I wanted to be there for the daughter of my friend at the funeral, but that I couldn’t bear yet another loss. Without hesitation, she gave me permission to not attend the funeral. At that moment, I felt such relief. The therapist was trying to teach me to take care of myself. But somehow, I think I learned a different lesson. I learned that I could just opt out of things–that I could just choose to not show up.
Up to that point, my default setting was to show up. My new default became, “Should I show up or not?” I established a set of criteria to determine when I was going to show. First, if I’ve committed myself to something, then I’d do everything I could to show up. Second, if there was a true benefit to showing up, then I’d make the effort. And third, if I was needed or required to be there, then I’d show up. But beyond those three criteria, the decision came down to whether or not I felt like showing up at the moment. I wasn’t raised this way, my mother showed up all her life. I had to learn the hard way that people could be hurt when I didn’t show up. That lesson happened when I forgot to attend my cousin’s wedding–a wedding I really wanted to attend and that I was expected to be at. I added a forth criteria: if someone will be hurt or offended by my absence, then I better show up. I wonder what criteria young people are using when they don’t even show up for an event they register to attend?
But really, I think I’ve done myself the greatest disservice by not showing up. There are friends I didn’t say goodbye to. There is important information I didn’t receive. There are great events I missed. Friendships that were not deepened because I didn’t show up. And people who were not helped because I didn’t show up. I’ve miss out on a lot by not showing up. It’s taken an accumulation of guilt and hearing what I missed to finally realize this. It has also taken the realization that my eyesight now limits my ability to drive at night to events I would like to attend.
I’m fond of telling my students that those who show up, get to decide. I found myself telling a student last week that if she didn’t show up for class, that she would miss the course material and that her classmate’s notes would never measure up to being there herself. I’ve stressed the importance of showing up to vote as one’s civic duty. There have been countless times when I’ve said to my husband, a classic home-body, that I wish he had been there because….
There is no making up for not showing up. My greatest fear comes from hearing two students say in two separate conversations last week that they just need to wait out this new administration and hope for the best. No, no, no! You have to show up and march, and write, and speak up.
This year, I’ve reset my default to showing up. If the event happens to be at night, then I’m going to seek a ride from a friend, colleague, or Uber. There’s a new political group organizing this week and I want to go. Thankfully, a colleague stepped up and offered me a ride. I know I’ve missed out on a lot of great things but I don’t have to continue in that vein. Sometimes, showing up will be painful, like when saying goodbye to a loved one always is. But more times, than not, showing up will enrich my mind, my relationships, will influence decisions, and maybe enrich the lives of others.
Great read and now I’m realizing I need to show up when I commit to something. Some of the things you said really stuck out to me, and I need to honor my commitments when it comes to showing up. I vow to do better! Thanks for your post!
As one ages, one makes decisions. Do I truly want to be a part of this movement, or cause? Do I have the energy and discipline to show up enough to make a difference? I choose when to show up based on those criteria, my faith, my family’s needs, my own concerns. But I recognize that I cannot possibly show up to everything. Once in a while I feel guilty about not taking part in something, but then I remind myself that I am showing up for other things that I would like to see changed or supported. I did not grow up in a family that SHOWED UP; it was always my decision. So maybe I don’t have the same examples that you have. But I am confidant in how I am handling my life’s journey. I am choosing and I am taking care of myself mentally. There’s so much that needs to be supported, but I cannot do it all.