Powerful self-talk

I am always talking to myself.  I make comments to myself when I discover something I like or dislike.  I affirm myself.  I judge myself.  I convince myself, push myself, and even scold myself.  I forgive myself.  Sometimes, when things aren’t crystal clear, I dialogue with myself as if there were two of me.  Because there are: the emotional me and the rational me.  What I do know is that what I say to myself impacts my decision making and ultimately my well being and my self-esteem.

Recently, I was listening to a much beloved daughter who is battered by mental health circumstances beyond her control.  In fact she bravely began a blog this week titled,  My Bipolar Voice, which I hope you will visit.  Like many of us, she talks to herself.  When she explained her personal challenges at work in our phone conversations, it became clear that the dominate voice in her head was no longer self-affirming.  As I listened, it occurred to me that her negative self-talk magnified her problems by undermining her incredible abilities. She seemed to only focus on recent illness related failures and completely ignored past victories. That negative self-talk had become a habit that I knew if allowed to continue, every negative charge would become a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I believe talk therapy must go hand in hand with medication for our loved ones who struggle with mental health issues.  So, after pointing out what I was hearing her say about herself, I encouraged her to return to therapy.

I’m one of those people who believes that our words are creative.   There is a proverb that says, “Life and death  are in the power of the tongue.”  I believe that.  Positive words build people up.  A parent who speaks positively to his or her child with sincerity will help to build up self-esteem.  The opposite is true of the parent who constantly tears a child down with negative words, pointing out every little mistake and flaw.  As social beings, we feel beautiful when we are told we are beautiful by others until we can begin to see it and then say it to ourselves.  We feel intelligent when others affirm our intelligence and then we see the proof of it for ourselves.  I consider the things people say to me everyday, both positive and negative.  I always need to consider closely the things I say to others.  Are my words building up or tearing down?  I want to be constructive, not destructive.  That doesn’t mean I will be dishonest or that I want others to be dishonest with me.  I realize that I’ve grown the most as a human being from constructive criticism that in the moment felt terrible, but actually motivated  constructive change.  This is how the confident voice is built and maintained, or not.  But there are other voices as well.

The emotional voice in my head represents the insecure child inside me who wants to fulfil every base desire.  But it is the rational voice in my head that takes on the parental role to regulate my actions.  That voice represents a consideration of the situation and adds up the history, the knowledge of right and wrong, good and bad and speaks, too.  It’s a competition sometimes as to which one will win.

About two years ago, I was in the grocery store.  I had given up potato chips and hadn’t eaten one for over six months.  But then, on the end cap was my favorite brand of potato chips for half price (Lays Barbecue Kettle Chips).  My child self grabbed two bags and quickly placed them in my shopping cart.  Then my parent voice spoke up and said, “Put those back right now.”  I had this massive internal struggle right there in the grocery store, much like a parent and child.  As I reached into my basket to retrieve the chips, I had a temper tantrum without the outward kicking and screaming.  But for sure, I was doing it on the inside.  I put the chips back and pouted throughout the rest of the shopping trip.  Self-talk is a very real thing that I know some people try to avoid.

It’s hard to talk to yourself if you’re always watching television or if you’re always talking to someone else.  Self-talk requires a bit of quiet and listening that may be more the purview of introverts than extroverts.  But we all do it.  The question is, in those moments when you do hear yourself, what are you saying? And if that internal voice and the voices surrounding you are tearing you down rather than building you up, then something has to change.