Trauma

Trauma is defined simply as a deeply distressing or disturbing experience. On this resurrection Sunday, we are reminded that Jesus suffered the trauma of crucifixion on Friday that included physical and emotional pain plus humiliation.  But God raised him up after three days to take His place as King of Kings and Lord of Lords.   As human beings, we all experience varying degrees of trauma at different points in our lives.

Being thrown off a horse at Stanley Ranch summer camp when I was nine was traumatic. I never viewed horses in the same way ever again. I’ve also experienced the trauma resulting from the loss of a loved one to cancer, accident, or murder. The loss of a beautiful five-year old to cancer Friday is especially traumatic for her parents, extended family, friends and even for bystanders like me who only learned about it through social media.

Life takes on a whole new meaning after that. But these are the kinds of trauma that are common to man. And over the years we have learned how to deal with the pain and disillusion caused by them. When you fall off a horse or bicycle, you’re told to get back on to overcome the fear. When a loved one dies, we’re told to go through the seven stages of grief while our friends offer their sincere thoughts and prayers. We learn that other losses can be dealt with in a similar way to help us continue to live fully.  But what about the trauma humans inflict on each other by acts of discrimination, bias, and micro-aggressions?

If we physically survive these acts against our humanity, how do we heal? How do we move past the hurt, frustration, and anger? How do we regain trust in our fellow humans when we see yet another unarmed black male gunned  down by the people whose job it is to protect and serve?  Trauma is yet again played out in protests that few in the nation seem to empathize with. The plea to make “Black Lives Matter!,” is yet again met with the tone death correction that “All Lives Matter”.

As an older black woman, I’ve seen and endured a lot of abuse from people  toward me personally and toward my race in general. Some acts have been overt, intending to inflict damage to my self-esteem, my prospects for education and financial gain (social mobility), and to family members. Others have been unintentional, but having a similar impact none the less. The cumulative effects of these constant assaults inevitably takes its toll on my emotional well-being and my physical health. I have high blood pressure. Every black person I know over the age of 40 has high blood pressure. But people will say that despite the odds, I’ve made it. They like to say that I am resilient.

By American dream standards, I have made it. But let’s be real. I made it because I was lucky in the sense of being born at the time I was, just prior to the Civil Rights Movement and in time to take advantage of the beginning years of Affirmative Action. I was born into am ambitious family that mentored, sponsored, and supported each other. By the time I was born, they were already solidly middle class.  And by the luck of the draw, I was born with above average intelligence, height, and physical energy. My 23 and Me results actually states that my muscular composition is that of elite strength athletes. Who knew?  And I was born at a time when my doctor can prescribe blood pressure medication. The point is, the stars aligned in just the right order for a black woman like me to make it in America, and yet, I still feel the trauma of racism.  Imagine what it is like for those who aren’t as lucky?

Here’s the thing, I don’t consider myself an angry person, but I hold anger, letting it seep out in dumps sporadically upon the ears of those who love and understand me. I’m not a anxious person, but I have anxiety for the well-being of the black males in my life.  I don’t consider myself a frustrated person, but I am frustrated, constantly seeking ways to resolve the race-related problems that frustrate me.  This blog is one avenue that I’ve adopted for this purpose. What is true, is that these survival mechanisms suck up the intelligence, creativity, and emotional energy that could have and should have been used to contribute in more productive ways to our society.

So multiply my experience by the number of people of color in this country.  It is important for our future as a nation to contemplate the amount of talent, intelligence, and energy our country sacrifices every day at the altar of discrimination, bias, and micro-aggressions.  Maybe when we calculate the cost of our sins, we will nail our current mindset to the cross to be resurrected as just, inclusive and equitable mindset by a loving Heavenly Father.