It seems to me that grown children maintain and even perpetuate an impression of their parents that the parents themselves may not even recognize as an image of themselves. I’ve encountered that with my own children. To argue about their image of me is a senseless act of futility that can be disruptive to the current relationship. Whether saint or sinner, it’s become apparent to me that an adult child’s self-image is somehow intertwined with his or her notion of who I am, no matter how inaccurate I believe it to be. I’m amazed how my grown kids believe they know what I’m thinking and will try to tell me what I’m thinking. Ten times out of ten they are wrong. But to tell them so only causes them distress, so most of the time I let it pass unless allowing them to believe the faulty notion would damage them or the relationship. It doesn’t seem to matter how old the adult child. Friends and family members who are AARP members themselves still do it. It also means that I harbored ideas about who my parents were as people that I presumed to be true but probably wasn’t at all accurate.
To be a parent means to allow for these false impressions at times without complaint. When I’m told who I am or what I think, I simply smile to myself most of the time and say to myself, “That’s not who I am” or “That’s not what I’m thinking”. Our kids think they know us, but they don’t. They know the parent side of us which is not us in our totality. They know the side of us that showed up for them when they were hurt, happy, angry, frustrated, accomplished, afraid, or naughty. In my case, sometimes I was adequate and at other times I was not. But how I showed up for them wasn’t all of who I am. That was a role I was playing. I was being the best version of a parent I knew how to be. And it was all about loving them, protecting them, and guiding them.
At some point I thought I could escape that role and just be myself but the reality is that they will not or they cannot allow that. I wonder what my own parents thought about my espoused versions of who they were? They are both gone now, so I’ll never really know anything except that they loved me. And perhaps that all a child really needs to know.
Losing parents at an early age has eliminated this in my life. Does my son have these thoughts? I do not know. It is interesting to let my mind wander & let my imagination fill in the gaps. TY.
I enjoyed this article. I sometimes reminisce about how my daughter couldn’t imagine that I could relate to some of the things she tried to get away with while growing up. She would say “yeah Mom you were al ways in the library when you were in schooll” Some truth, but there was as definitely another side to my story.
The older I get (and I’m part of the AARP demographic), the more I notice that NO ONE sees themselves as they truly are. Doesn’t matter if your children see you for who you believe yourself to be, or not. People will say, “I’m peaceful because it’s what Allah wants” and be the most confrontational person I’ve ever met. I include myself as someone who probably thinks of herself one way, but it’s not how the world sees me.