Talk about Micro-aggressions

In the first week of August, I was invited to deliver a Ted Talk like presentation on micro-aggressions to church youth workers. What follows is what I shared with them.

It feels a little strange that I’m about to talk about micro-aggressions in a time when full out aggression is on display against people of color, immigrants, and other minority populations in this nation. The difference between an overt aggression and a micro-aggression is not in the degree of emotional harm to the targeted person, but rather in the intentionality of the aggressor and the level of confusion heaped upon the targeted person as to the actual meaning behind the encounter.
For example, a black female student once described to me her confusion when a white male student was holding the cafeteria door open for several people ahead of her, but once she got to the door, the student allowed the door to slam in her face. She was at first stunned and then confused. Her first thought was, “Did that just happen?” Her second thought was how rude the behavior actually was. But then the question became whether the student intentionally let the door slam just as she approached to send her an unwelcome message or did the student just not see her? She didn’t know and she wasn’t about to ask. But she felt hurt by the encounter and disappointed by her own unwillingness to confront him, and so she spent a lot of emotional energy trying to attach meaning to what had just happened. That’s the nature and impact of a micro-aggression.
A lot less confusing are the actions of the overt aggressor. This person recognizes and acts on his bigotry with the intention of inflicting emotional and/or physical harm. For example, calling the NFL players who take a knee during the national anthem in protest of police brutality, SOBs. Overt aggression is young men carrying signs and shouting, “Blood and soil and Jews will not replace us.” Overt aggression is a group of men beating up on a transgender individual in the street. I was just in Charleston South Carolina earlier this week and I went past Mother Emmanual Church where nine parisheners were gunned down by an aggressor. In the age of Trump, overt aggression is on the upswing and minorities are left to deal with the emotional if not the physical violence against their humanity. For many of us, including would be immigrant parents and their children, these are very scary and dangerous times.
But the days of the micro-aggression have not disappeared. Many have described micro-aggressions as the thousand little cuts and slights minorities deal with on a daily basis. Dr. Derald Wing sue has written two books on the subject and I’ve had the pleasure of hearing him present on the topic. The most important thing to understand is that the perpetrators of these cuts and slights generally have no idea of the pain they are inflicting. People of good will who harbor prejudices, bias, and stereotypes sometimes hidden even from themselves, make comments and behave in subtle ways that insult and demean minorities. Consider a comment like, you’re so well spoken, I don’t even consider you to be Asian. The comment is meant to be a compliment, but it is couched in an insult to the person’s identity group and is born of an inaccurate stereotype. Or consider the well-meaning person who calls the police on a black ten-year old mowing the lawn of a paying customer because the child looks out of place and his skin color makes him suspect. When I go into the store at the mall or even my neighborhood grocery store, I am keenly aware of how quickly I am asked if I need any help while the white customers around me go unnoticed.

I believe that I’m correct in assuming that at least 99% of you are people of good will who don’t go around intentionally inflicting pain on other human beings. In fact, I would wager that you seek to do the opposite. So, I want to leave you with a few quick tips to help you steer clear of being a micro-aggressor. I can only pray for you and stay out of your way if you’re an overt aggressor. But for most of you, if not all of you, these tips should be helpful.

#1 Identify, examine, and challenge the stereotypes, prejudices, and personal biases that come to mind when interacting with individuals you encounter who are different from you. For example, I was introduced to colleagues as having a great singing voice by someone who had never heard me sing. That’s a stereotype at play.

#2 Assume and accept that the diversity within each minority group is as vast and varied as it is within your identity group. There should be an assumption that most people within a group are wonderful and only a few are jerks. Some are honest and some are dishonest. Some are generous and some are cheap. Some are brilliant and some are stupid. Some are exceptionally talented and some may not be. Most are peace-loving and a few are violent. Some are great at math and some are not. A few are great at basketball and but most are not. Let’s commit to judging people by their actions and not their identity group.

#3 So, think before we speak or act. Are my comments and actions based on my assumptions or my actual knowledge of the individual in front of me? Silence is always better if I’m in doubt.

#4 Acknowledge mistakes and ask for forgiveness for insensitivities. We all make mistakes. We all put our foot in our mouths from time to time. Don’t try to rationalize or minimize the damage done. An apology goes a long way to heal hurts. We don’t have to wait for the target to point out the micro-aggression because like the black female student, most will choose to suffer in silence.

#5 Remember that everyone deserves and desires to be treated with dignity and respect because we are all fully human possessing the same range of human emotions. A smile and an acknowledgement of a person’s presence is helpful to people who find themselves in the minority at a gathering.

#6 Be an ally and an advocate for humanity by sharing these tips with others.