This week, with the sexual harassment scandal surrounding Governor Cuomo, I was again reminded that some older white males in this country still view women as their personal play things. I rarely talk about the three times in my life when I paid the price for their sexual folly while they walked away unscathed. Being only 84% black, I have to wonder if my very existence isn’t the result of white male sexual assault upon my female slave ancestors.
The first time I was sexually assaulted, I was ten years old and my family had moved into a white neighborhood in Southern California. The single white male living next door was a television producer and was by all accounts a progressive man who embraced his new black neighbors. So much so that my brothers enjoyed visiting his home. On one occasion when I accompanied them to play, I found myself alone with the man and he sexually assaulted me. Before he got too far, my immediate response was to violently escape his advances and to run back home. However, I remained silent and never disclosed to my parents nor my brothers what had transpired that day. I made the calculated decision that the only one who would get hurt by my disclosure was my black father. Even as a ten year old, I understood that a black man could not safety defend his daughter against a white man. So, I kept my distance from that man, held my tongue, and bore the brunt of that pain alone.
The second incident was when I was a seventeen year old chemistry lab assistant at an almost all white high school. I had considered it an honor as a top student to be invited to assist my former biology and chemistry teacher. It was when we were alone in the lab one afternoon that he grabbed me and tried to kiss me on the mouth. I pushed him away, ran out of the lab and straight to the administration office where I asked to be dropped as his lab assistant. I gave some lame excuse and was released. Amazingly, I was unaware that I began to wear clothes for me that were oversized. It wasn’t until I was shopping several months later that a young sales lady pointed out that she had been watching me try on clothes and she noticed that I was purchasing clothes two sizes too big for me. I realized that I had been traumatized and was hiding and that I wasn’t even aware of it.
The third incident occurred when I was in my thirties and employed at a small private securities firm. At that time I was married with three kids. I had obtained my securities license and was making a ton of money. I enjoyed that job even though the hours were a bit long, but that job provided for a live-in housekeeper, a big BMW, and a nice home. We had it all and my future in the world of finance looked bright until the day the owner of the firm called me into his office, shut the door and tried to sexually assault me. I pushed him away and quit on the spot. Thankfully, my husband had a good job and we had savings to fall back on or our finances could have been ruined. I wasn’t silent this time, telling my husband precisely what happened and warning him to do nothing. Again, the reality was that only the black man would be harmed in the situation.
I say all this to say that I am glad that white men are finally being held accountable for their mistreatment of women. For all of history, we have been the ones to bear the emotional distress, the financial setbacks, and career limitations because of their abhorrent behavior. This has to stop and now is the time to stop it. It’s disgusting and disappointing to me that any woman supports Donald Trump who not only admits to grabbing women by their private parts, but claims that he hoped his daughters would have “the courage” to quit their job if they were sexually harassed at work. That is the kind of twisted thinking that has to end.
When I think of my perpetrators, I wonder what punishment I would have liked to see for them. The television producer belonged in prison because what he did to me was criminal. The science teacher should have been fired. The owner of the securities firm should have lost his wife and his reputation. I ask myself now if an apology would have been enough? Perhaps in the case of the securities firm owner. I was an adult at the time. If he had expressed contrition for his behavior and made a commitment to behave better in the future toward female employees, perhaps that would be enough. I still would have left though.
In conclusion, I guess I have mixed feelings as to whether Governor Cuomo should resign or be removed from office. He has publicly apologized. He has acknowledged his wrongdoing and has made a commitment to do better by female employees. For me, I think on a personal level at this moment in time, that might just be enough.