Month: August 2021

I can’t watch a boxing match. I feel physically ill when I observe that kind of violence. However, as much as I abhor violence, I understand that violence in defense of life and human rights is sometimes required because we live among violent-prone bullies who will assert their will upon the weak, the unwitting, the cowardly, and the passive. The swift takeover by the Taliban in Afghanistan is but one example of what can happen when good people refuse to fight.

Unsettling emotions surfaced while I watched the situation unfold in Kabul. The Taliban rolled in, the president fled, and the army surrendered without putting up a fight. The investment of our blood and treasure over 20 years went up in smoke without resistance. That angered me. The reality that the Taliban bullies are back in charge, leaving an entire nation vulnerable to their brutality and the oppression of women is infuriating. Beyond my initial anger, I feel deeply disappointed in, sad and worried for the people of Afghanistan. I want everyone who wants out of that nation to be able to leave so the Taliban can rule only likeminded citizens. That’s not going to happen. But what can be done when the people aren’t willing to fight for themselves? Perhaps we overestimated their desire for freedom. Perhaps we superimposed our value of female empowerment onto a culture that devalues the lives of women. Perhaps we were wrong to stay there to try to build a nation where we knew corruption was core to its operations. We picked the wrong fight but that doesn’t mean every fight is wrong.

In our own nation, a battle is brewing over whether or not we will allow 30% of Americans to determine how 70% of us will live. These few Americans are our own Taliban. A few of them are gun-toting extremists who are trying overthrow the government. The others are trying to limit voting rights to strengthen and maintain their power. They’ve already taken over our courts through strategic and blatantly hypocritic means. They clothe themselves in Christianity and the American flag, but they are actually anti-science, anti-humanity, anti-history, and anti-freedom. They behave in opposition to the ideals of Christ and American democratic values. Like the Taliban, they are hoping that we will simply hand over the keys to the kingdom and live under their oppressive rule.

Like many of the Taliban foot soldiers, their army of armed insurrectionist are gullible, buying into the lie that white skin makes them superior, that God will override the laws of nature He Himself created because of their prayers, and that their freedoms are being infringed upon by gay marriage, immigrants, wearing masks during a pandemic, and women who aren’t willing to give birth. They are told to ridicule segments of the society like Muslims, blacks, gays, and especially Jews. With COVID-19, they added Asians to their list of people to target.

Like I said before, I hate violence. But I recognize that the only defense against an enemy who threatens our lives through violent means is a show of our resolve to fight with greater force. For right now, our greatest weapon is the vote.

In California, we have been called to arms in the coming weeks to protect ourselves against a ridiculous Republican led recall election. We have to fight to defend ourselves against Republican Taliban and Trump supporter Larry Elder. Looking at Elder’s remarks and values, it is clear that he is the epitome of anti-humanity, anti-environment and in my view, Anti-Christian and Anti-American values. We have a fight on our hands and we can’t afford to lay down our arms (the vote) like the army in Afghanistan or we will suffer the oppression of Republican rule like in Texas and Florida.

All it will take for California and eventually America to fall in the hands of the American Taliban is to surrender our arms without a fight. And at this moment, our greatest weapon of defense is the vote. If we lose that, then I shutter to think what another civil war will look like. Let’s not allow it to come to that.

Just prior to take off on my American Airlines flight to Kansas a few weeks ago, the pilot announced that facial masks must be worn during the entire flight, except while eating or drinking. He then proceeded to urge passengers not to take out their frustration on the flight attendants as this was a federal regulation. And furthermore, he joked that if you have to act out your anger over wearing a mask, you should fly Southwest or Delta instead. I laughed along with everyone around me. Thankfully, there was no mask rebellion on the flight.

However, what the pilot was speaking to is a serious problem we are facing in our society. It seems that some people have forgotten how to play well with others. Or is it that the few selfish, inconsiderate, domineering, and bullies among us feel emboldened since Trump? I believe the latter to be true. At this point, the question may not be about how we got here, but how we restore a sense of collective responsibility and care for one another? How do we stop these few bad apples from destroying civility, democracy, the environment, and public health?

Perhaps we need to return to kindergarten where we had our first introduction to society. Kindergarten is where we learned to share and to take turns. We learned that we were not an island unto ourselves and that the needs of the group had to be considered. We learned to wait for our turn. Kindergarten gave us our first taste of the concept of fairness and orderliness. Of course, how we also learned the consequences of inappropriate social behaviors in kindergarten depends on the reader’s age. Anti-social behavior was met by either a slap on the hand or a time out. Sometimes parents were informed. The point is that the disruptive class clown and the bully were not rewarded for their antics. However, social media has upset these necessary social lessons.

Without realizing it, our society gave free reign to clowns and bullies who are hellbent on acting on their character deficits to our collective detriment. The insecure, the selfish, the inconsiderate, the ignorant, the power hungry, the greedy, and the hateful people have always been among us. It’s just that we have allowed their voices to be amplified through social media and then their outrageous antics attract news media coverage. I recall how Donald Trump’s ridiculous lies, racist and sexist comments, and insults hurled at his political opponents became big news. Then candidate Trump was calling into the Today Show almost daily and they took his calls on air. The bully was no longer given a time out nor a slap on the risk, but a multifaceted platform on television, Facebook, and especially Twitter. All manner of lies, misinformation, and nastiness were elevated.

We collectively failed to secure the guard rails around our social contract with one another and now the anti-social among us are running rampant, clothing themselves in a false narrative of personal “freedom”. Governor Ron DeSantis, Senator Rand Paul, Congresswoman Margorie Taylor Greene, and Governor Greg Abbott all fit that bill and are causing great harm to public health efforts. The Republican Party itself has been co-opted by this minority of anti-social/anti-democratic people who are loud, belligerent, violent, and largely uneducated. The My Pillow Guy, Mike Lindell, is a perfect example of how an individual can spread lies and threaten to co-opt our democracy. However, the most ridiculous example I’ve seen to date are the parents fighting and threatening school board members over school masking requirements. I’m hopeful that these parents against masking in schools during a pandemic are simply ignorant and not homicidal. Whichever it is, no parent has the right to endanger the lives of others under the guise of their parental rights. Apparently this common sense notion that brought us laws against drinking and driving and smoking in public places is lost on these short-sighted individualists.

Bible readers know that when Cain killed his brother Abel, God asked him where his brother was. Cain cynically replied, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” We know from God’s response to Cain and from the Gospel of Jesus Christ, that the clear and unequivocal answer is, “YES!” The answer is yes because we must live in community together and we affect each other. We share the earth, the air, the water, and every other resource necessary to live.

So, it is time for those of us who recall our lessons from kindergarten to restore the guard rails to curtail the behavior of the ignorant, the selfish, the power hungry, the greedy, the inconsiderate, the bullies, and especially the homicidal by A) refusing to vote for them B) calling them out publicly on social media C) refusing to support media platforms that amplify their voices and D) boycotting their products.

Am I endorsing what some have coined a “cancel culture”. I guess I am. And honestly, I’m inclined to believe that the trend toward labeling demands for reasonable social guard rails as “cancel culture” is a ploy by the clowns and bullies to silence their detractors so they can run rampant. The time to reclaim a civil and social society where we recognize that to some extent, we are in very practical terms, our brother’s keeper.

My mother passed away from breast cancer the year I turned thirty-five. We enjoyed a close and positive relationship and so it made sense that I assumed the blessing of caring for her in my home during her final weeks.  I am especially grateful that my mother and I had escaped the mother-daughter conflict so many experience. As adult mother and daughter, we spent nearly every day on the phone simply chatting.  We went on all day shopping trips.  She stayed with me for a week after the birth of each child and was my number one babysitter.  She was my sounding board and allowed me to be hers. She was my biggest supporter and I was hers. I realize now that our relationship was somewhat unique.  Since I’ve witnessed so many toxic mother-daughter relationships among people close to me, I thought sharing my story might reveal lessons I gleaned from my mother that helped me with my own daughters.

I should admit right off that my mother and I shared in the trauma caused by my alcoholic and violent father.  That experience made me especially protective of my mother because I feared losing her.  Those terrifying years made me grow up way too fast, taking on responsibility and an emotional support role that wasn’t healthy.  Probably, as a consequence of this shared trauma, I was never the rebellious, thrill-seeking teen and she was never the control freak. Despite our awful home life, she managed to provide me with healthy boundaries and high expectations, which I met.  So much so that when I graduated with my bachelor’s degree in business, I actually felt like I had fulfilled my last obligation as her child and I said so.

Soon afterward, I enrolled myself in a 12-Step program for adult children of alcoholics to help me understand my “perfectionist” tendencies and to free myself of my resentment toward my father, and to some extent toward my mother for being in an abusive relationship.  I wanted to understand why I wasn’t a risk-taker and why I was hyper-responsible and so unlike many of my friends. That program led to deep conversations with my parents wherein I was able to forgive my father and to understand my mother.  The person who gained the most freedom from the trauma was me.  I better understood human weakness, addiction, poor decision making, co-dependency, and the release that comes from forgiveness and letting go.  I truly believe that this 12-step process freed me to enjoy future relationships, not just with both my parents, but with others.  It even helped me maintain a positive relationship with my ex-husband so that our kids could enjoy a wholesome relationship with their dad post-divorce.  A therapist once said of the circumstances surrounding my divorce that I was too forgiving of human failures that hurt me, but I disagree.   Forgiveness is about freedom from emotional baggage that leads to destructive behaviors. It doesn’t dismiss accountability nor does it cause amnesia.

Because of that 12 Step program and my mother’s honesty, we transitioned smoothly from the parent-child relationship to true friendship.  She filled the role as my best friend, role model, mentor, and advisor until she fell ill.  However, I’m certain my mother worried about me until the day she died.  But she never allowed her worry to become a move to control me by undermining my self-confidence. I think this might be where so many of us mothers with daughters go wrong.  Instead of active listening and supporting, we try to continue directing the lives of our daughters through criticism, emotional manipulation, and the withholding approval and support.  I see it all the time and it damages the mother-daughter relationship. As social beings, the desire for approval never disappears and so I find that we mothers must remind our young adult daughters that their self-approval is far more important than ours.

I have two biological daughters that I raised and one step-daughter whom I did not raise. Like any good mother, I love them dearly and worry about them obsessively.  I want the best for them. I want them to be safe. I want them to succeed. I want them to be healthy. I want them to be confident, independent women. As a caring mom with more life experience, I want them to avoid the problems, pitfalls, and mistakes common to being human.  I also want the kind of positive mother-daughter relationship I enjoyed with my mother.  

To accomplish this, I first had to realize that my daughters are not me and that we did not share an early trauma where they felt a need to protect me and to be hyper-responsible.  I’m glad about that, but it did mean that our transition to friendship would be different from my mother’s and mine.  I set the same healthy boundaries and high expectations my mother set for me.  But what I didn’t realize until later is that my perfectionist tendencies, although never explicitly forced upon my daughters, were nevertheless perceived by them as my standard of approval.  

It took several years, particularly with my oldest daughter, to undo her perception of an expectation of perfection that I never had.  She “mistakenly” saw me as perfect.  In many heated discussions, I had to disabuse her of the notion that I was perfect and that I expected perfection from her.  I had to repeatedly insist that she didn’t need my approval, but her own. I came to realize that because of my grossly imperfect childhood, I strove to make a childhood for my children that was ideal.  To her, I was “perfect” and had created a “perfect” home and a “perfect” childhood for them.  So, the measure for my approval in her mind was perfection.  No wonder she was the perfect child!  Like me, she never rebelled and never engaged in thrill-seeking.  In fact, none of my children went through rebellion, but the younger two were greater risktakers.  Thankfully, they survived.

The point is that there is no such thing as a “perfect” mother.  Mothers are human and human beings have an affect on other human beings without ever trying to.  I’m convinced that every mother from the perspective of her daughter will need to be forgiven for something!  We need to accept this as a fact and be humble enough to either seek forgiveness or accept responsibility for the harm we caused so our daughters (and sons) are emotionally free. Trying to defend ourselves or denying our shortcomings (real or perceived) only harms the relationship, poisoning any hope for a healthy adult mother-daughter friendship. Today my daughters clearly see that I am only human and we can laugh about it.

I’m grateful that I have a wonderful relationship with all three daughters.  I believe that the key to our open and easy relationships is that like my mother, I resist the temptation to try to continue to parent them.  I worry, but don’t control.  I listen, provide advice when asked, and share my experiences. I ask questions.  When I go to far, they stop me. And I let them know when I’m worried that it is because I love them and want the best for them and not because I don’t trust them.  Mothers worry. That never ends. I treat them like the adults that they are and respect their decisions, keeping my mouth shut when I would make a different choice.  Like my mother, I dole out unconditional love and support and express my willingness to help them if they need it without any strings attached.  However, I prefer to provide loans if needed as opposed to charity because they are responsible adults and I want to avoid reverting to childhood dependency.

The mother-daughter relationship can be difficult.  I think mothers harm the relationship when they seek to control instead of support during the transition from childhood to adulthood.  I think daughters harm the relationship when they hold onto the past and fail to forgive the human failings of their mothers.  On both sides, open communication, forgiveness, trust, and mutual respect will improve or preserve a positive mother-daughter relationship.

At the sound of distress from the people I love, I tend to jump into action. That’s how I unexpectedly ended up in Lawrence, Kansas this week to care for my new grandson and his parents. As God or fate would have it, my son and his wife found themselves in a childcare bind that coincidentally matched a small window of cancer treatment break for my husband. The only thing I had to reschedule to hop on a plane was the colonoscopy I had been waiting for since February. But this was my opportunity to meet my new grandson while also solving a distressing problem for my son and his wife.

My nursing daughter-in-law has to spend a month in Kansas for work and so after the first week together in a hotel, my son flew back to Philadelphia to collect the dog and the nannie who flew in from Columbia and then drive them the 16 hours over two days to Kansas to reunite the entire family. I was needed to fill in the gap until my son arrived with the dog and the new nannie so my daughter-in-law could work.

I spent the first two days in the hotel room with my grandson, occasionally taking him for walks to the nearby Sprouts and Walmart for food and supplies. It was hot, so our trips were in the early morning after seeing mom off for the day. I was surprised that taking care of my 4 month old grandson was like riding a bike. I knew what to do, how to do it, and we get along famously. I bought him some toys, books, and introduced him to nursery rhymes and even my BTS music. He’s a very social baby, a classic extrovert which I find to be a bit tiring. But great love and empathy is getting me through.

Friday night, we moved into an AirbnB house my son pre-arranged before he left. There were only two housing choices that would allow the dog. And the polite way of expressing my dismay at this old house is to say that I’m unimpressed. Everything is old and in need of updating. But to it’s credit, the place is clean, has central air and WiFi which makes it bearable. While I refuse to complain, I’m determined to make this place comfortable for everyone. I’ve stayed at a lot of rental houses over the years for vacations or retreats and none have been as ill-equipped as this one. Had I known it was going to be missing so many basics, I would have shopped differently in Walmart during my one chance before my son arrives.

It was while making dinner that I began to notice things. There was no salt and pepper. There were no serving bowls. There was no aluminum foil or plastic wrap, and most importantly, there was no table. In fact, there were no table surfaces in the entire house. I checked all the closets to see if there was a folding table or TV trays. Nothing. So, we sat in the master bedroom on the only two chairs in the entire house and ate with the plates on our laps. The living room has two sofas and a TV resting atop an old headboard.

I realized that the situation without tables was not going to work. My son has to work from here for the next three weeks. They will need a table to write, to set laptops on, and to eat. I need a table and chair from which to practice my calligraphy properly.

Thankfully, my son is a pretty good negotiator and had no qualms about asking the owner to pay for a set of four TV tables that can stay and be used by subsequent guests. The owner agreed. However, my frugal son was adamant that he didn’t want to purchase items that he would have to leave here.

I guess this is where we differ. I had already decided that if needed I would purchase the TV tables, the aluminum foil, the plastic wrap, a serving platter, baking sheet and salt and pepper and just “gift” them to the house after my family enjoyed them for the rest of the month.

I value caring for my loved ones using the resources I have available to meet comfortable standards. My son and his wife are Peace Corp alumni so they are more comfortable getting by on less. And honestly, my son has been conservative with his money his entire life, so I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m about to spend my money to make this place more livable for them after I return home on Tuesday. Having the money and deciding how to use it is a value judgement. I’m just thankful to be the position to even have this choice. My son will benefit and so will future guests.

My hope is that this experience turns into a life lesson for my son. I want him to consider how it is also a good thing to provide “financial” blessings beyond just your loved ones when you have the financial resources to do so. In this world today, we need more people who are willing when able to care for others.

After I became fully vaccinated, I never took off my mask in public places. Instead I purchased masks from Amazon that clearly indicated that I was vaccinated for a few reasons. First, I needed to protect my husband who is medically compromised so I wanted to mitigate my exposure. Second, I wanted to encourage others to also get vaccinated, particularly other African Americans like myself because we have low vaccination rates in my county. And finally, I wanted to ensure people didn’t mistake me for an anti-vaccine person because I was still wearing a mask. Until this week, I hadn’t viewed my desire to protect the common welfare as a pro-social act. But it is. As an introvert, I’m no social butterfly like my daughters. I used to think anti-social behavior was about avoiding social gatherings and I didn’t like that about myself. But now I realize that this is only one meaning of the word. I learned that the meaning of anti-social behavior has a whole other definition.

Events of this week highlighted the destructive, yet obstinate behavior of some people. In light of the new Delta variant, mask restrictions for indoor activities became necessary again and a stronger push for vaccines became evident. But some people are displaying their anti-social dispositions by filing lawsuits against mask mandates in schools, mounting protests against restrictions, acting out on flights, and even refusing to wear masks indoors or to get vaccinated. Even in my local Target, I saw individuals without masks this week with looks of defiance on their faces. To me, people like this display the same selfishness, lack of morality, and lack of social responsibility as criminals who vandalize, scam, steal, rape, and murder anyone in their path. I looked for a definition for the kind of behavior I was seeing and I came up with “anti-social”. To my surprise, that word hit the mark.

The summary of multiple dictionary definitions for the other meaning of anti-social is: acting in a way that is detrimental to society. It seems that we have a growing number of individuals among us who can accurately be described as “anti-social”. Some are our neighbors, family members, television and radio commentators, and Republican House members like Marjorie Taylor-Green (Georgia), Jim Jordan (Ohio) and Matt Gaetz (Florida). Senator Rand Paul (Kentucky) can be labeled as anti-social for his dangerous rhetoric. And of course Florida Governor Ron Desantis is in this category because of his homicidal policies, outlawing mask mandates. Bullies and purveyors of false information who use television and social media platforms to spread their garbage are anti-social people. And the consequences of these anti-social individuals not only destroys our notion of common decency and safe communities, but the consequences are deadly.

So, what to do? A member of one of my Facebook groups who identified as an older man asked what we should do about people who make rude and nasty comments about others. Some said to ignore them and to model better behavior. Others said it’s not worth raging at them. I thought about it. The answer cannot simply be to pretend like these anti-social people do not exist. I think it makes them act even more outrageously because they are seeking attention and to these people, silence is consent. So they will do whatever they want to get what they want whether it is money, fame, or to feed a destructive addiction unless they are stopped. The problem is that anti-social people become louder and more obnoxious in their behavior if they face little to no consequences for their actions. And we face bigger problems when young people see anti-social people get away with their destructive antics. They feel increasingly unsafe and the few anti-social among them will think it is okay to behave that way. We have seen this first hand.

It should come as no surprise to us that when the media gave Trump a platform to spew lies, bully his opponents, hurl insults, and promote false narratives, others have followed. We now have an epidemic of anti-social behavior alongside a growing mental health crisis and out of control violence. It is time to restore our social contract that we learned in kindergarten. That contract included common decency, courtesy, mutual respect and consideration for others.

I think in our families, work places, social media circles, friendship circles, political lives, and media choices, we must insist on pro-social behaviors that will not destroy the fabric of our general welfare. I don’t think we can afford to ignore those who make destructive comments, who refuse to wear protective masks and get vaccinated, and who knowingly spread false information. Nor can we afford to de-fund the police and release violent criminals from prison early. The kid gloves of the greater society need to come off and consequences have to be doled out to anti-social individuals. House members who make false and offensive statements should be fined and censored. Airline passengers who refuse mask mandates or fight with flight attendants should be fined and banned from future flights. Rude comments on social media should be tagged as rude and unacceptable by “friends” and spreaders of false information should be sued when they cause harm to others who followed their lies. Communities need to ban together to rid themselves of the thieves, bullies, and violent criminals among them. And sometimes that means mothers need to do what is right for society when their sons do wrong.

We’re living in the society we collectively shaped. Personally, I hate what I’m seeing and I want to change it. Biden was right when he said this is a battle for the soul of America. After electing an anti-social president, our society is suffering the consequences of those four years. I’m hopeful that there are more people who are pro-social than anti-social and that we pro-social folks will become more forceful in our insistence on building a stronger and better society that promotes the general welfare.