I have unconditional love for those who share my blood line. I think this kind of love is baked into us as human beings. Maybe its some kind of biological imprinting. That doesn’t mean I don’t recognize family members for who they are. They could be horrible, hurtful and even dangerous human beings that we need to cut ties with for safety reasons. However, I discovered that this emotional love persists anyway because I never ceased loving my own father who had been a violent alcoholic who traumatized our family. To deal with my feelings in a safe way, I had to establish clear boundaries around our relationship. These lasted until his death in 1989 and I was the only one of his three children who could say goodbye to him without regret. In the process of loving my deeply flawed dad, I learned a powerful lesson about humans and blood line love. First, I learned that even the most depraved human has some redeeming qualities to offer and second I learned that blood line love becomes emotional poison if denied and unexpressed.
So, during the disappointing circumstances that lead to my divorce in 1996, I sat my three adolescent children down and told them that they were biologically preconditioned to love their father for their entire lives no matter what he had done to hurt our family and that I wanted them to preserve that relationship for their own mental and emotional health. The relationship they maintained with their father was up to them and I would support it. To this day, I am thankful for that wisdom and understanding of blood line love as my children have enjoyed and continue to enjoy a healthy relationship with their dad. I’ve come to see for myself that the love and support of two dads (biological and step-dad) is a definite plus in their lives, especially because we don’t fight for attention, affection, nor control. We are able to keep our love for the children at the center of our relationship. Love for my family in the sense of emotional attachment comes naturally. But love of others outside my family is entirely different. Brotherly love or loving ones neighbor is a decision.
I find it easy to love people who like me, agree with me, and encourage me. I even find it easy to love total strangers. But the other folks–those who get on my nerves, hurt people, and destroy everything in sight are difficult to love. However, I take to heart the lessons from Jesus on loving my neighbor as myself and on loving my enemies. The key is not to expect the same emotional attachment I feel with my family because it does not exist. What does exist is a conviction that each person is God’s creation, each is a human being possessing both good characteristics and flaws. Jesus acknowledged human weakness and how God loves us anyway. So, I’ve come to realize that loving others isn’t about how deserving they are, nor is it about developing or maintaining an emotional connection. It is solely about how I treat others.
For me, being a better human who loves others means that I treat other human beings in the way I want to be treated: with compassion, thoughtfulness, and understanding. It means that I act with consideration, defend humanity, speak hard truths tactfully, and offer assistance based on our basic human needs. Peace and silence are not love. So, loving others does not mean that I ignore justice. It does not mean that I don’t hold people accountable. It does not mean that I ignore rude and destructive behaviors. And it most definitely doesn’t mean I stay silent in the face of dangers to humanity itself. Brotherly love is an action word, not a feeling word.
These days, a lot of humans are making it particularly difficult to love them. They act selfishly, refusing to wear masks in public or to get vaccinated. Believing lies about a stolen election from a morally bankrupt former president, they stormed the Capital on January 6th. Convinced that their white skin makes them superior to other human beings, they threaten violence and enforce discrimination. And the most difficult to love these days are the people who profess Christianity but have become the nastiest, most intolerant, hateful, oppressive, and stingy human beings on the planet. But being a better human means loving them despite their crazy. It means fighting for the best interest of their humanity and ours.
My way of loving these difficult humans is to speak the truth as I understand it without cussing them out, calling them awful names, or threatening them with violence. Admittedly, I have to stop myself from hoping they get what they deserve. I leave that judgement in the hands of the Almighty.
If we could all be better humans who love humanity we would experience greater generosity, kindness, thoughtfulness, and empathy because of an understanding that we are all humans living in this world together.