I feel blessed and satisfied to observe the respectful and productive lives of my adult children. I raised them with intention, sensitivity, patience, and sacrificial investment while having full faith in Proverbs 22:6 that reads, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
There is a special joy that comes from hearing and watching my adult children put into practice the life lessons and values I instilled in them regarding hard work, integrity, diligence, determination, and respect for others. It wasn’t always easy. In fact, at times when they were growing up, it was really hard, especially during those adolescent years. I had to remind myself that being a teenager isn’t the “old” that verse was talking about. Those teenage years were really tough and sometimes very scary as they took risks and did things that were contrary to the values and common sense that I was trying to instill in them. I found that the key to those teenage years was persistence, insistence, and vigilance.
Proverbs 19:18 reads, “Chasten your son while there is hope, and do not set your heart on his destruction.” I believe that is talking about those teenage years when they are hell bent on testing the waters, your patience, and the boundaries. Contrary to some, I believe those are the years when our hearts, ears, and eyes need to be the most open. During those years they need constant reassurance, the greatest display of unconditional love, the assurance that failure is an opportunity to learn, the sting of consequences for their actions, and an understanding that supervision is different from surveillance. Navigating those teenage years was difficult but understanding that their brains were not fully developed and that they were still being shaped and influenced by my example, approval, disapproval, and guidance, helped me be the parent they each needed.
And each of them needed something different from me. I took to heart that part in the verse that said, “in the way he should go” to mean that each child had a specific path that was right for him or her. They each had different personalities, different interests, and different needs and challenges. I believed it was my job to observe my children to discover and help them realize and accept their individual talents, their passions, and the personal challenges that emerged. I never adopted a “one size fits all” or everyone gets the same thing as a principle of fairness. To the contrary, I saw fairness as providing each child with what he or she needed to succeed. One child required greater financial investments while another required more disciplinary creativity and another a greater investment of time.
When it came to discipline and correction, I was far more inclined to use positive reinforcement, recognizing the innate human need for attention and approval. In my mind, the rod of correction talked was not only a belt or paddle, but rather the time I spent explaining why certain behaviors deserved praise when others did not. I was not a parent who relied on the “because I said so” explanation because I saw that as tyranny over the will of a rational human being. A person can’t self-parent later having only heard, “because I said so” as a reason for avoiding certain behaviors. However, I did have a paddle. It was there for those very rare occasions when the incentive to do wrong outweighed rationality. I believe I used it twice when they were growing up and only after a lengthy explanation regarding the continued and intentional wrongdoing that would lead them towards a living hell.
As an educator, I never left the education of my children to the schools. Reading was a requirement in our home because it expands knowledge, experience, possibility, and creativity. We took trips to the library, I read to them, and they got to follow their own reading interests. We did homework at the table together when they were younger, and I provided educational toys, educational field trips to museums, zoos, factories, farms, and amusement parks. We played in parks, went camping, fishing, and hiking. I gave them cooking lessons and together we operated a candy store from our garage. Our family vacations included historical sites as well as family visits and reunions. We did crafts and they had chores. Each got to choose a musical instrument to learn and one or two athletic endeavors. All played team sports for as long as they were interested. I’m thankful for church activities, youth groups and scouting that further supported their growth and development.
As they matured, they were always busy going in different directions and at times I was exhausted. I’m thankful that I had an incredible mother who provided loving and competent childcare whenever I needed a break and she also provided financial support when opportunities seemed beyond our budget. It is because of her example and how much our family benefited from her generosity that I’ve been determined to return that favor to my children as a grandparent.
I haven’t provided a lot of specifics about each child because I want to protect their privacy. But I will say that all that time and attention I invested in training my children in the way they should go definitely paid off because now that they are old (in their late thirties and forties) they have not departed from it, and I am so proud of each one of them for the successful, respectable and productive adults they have become. They continue to seek advice and I am quick to provide it with a gentle reminder that they no longer need my approval. They always reply that they know that and for that I am even more grateful.