In 1997, psychotherapist Dr. Richard Carlson popularized the phrase, “Don’t sweat the small stuff” and authored a few books on stress management using that phase as the first part of the titles, the most popular concluding with “and it’s all small stuff”. Of course, most issues in our lives are small stuff and he does acknowledge that sometimes there are big issues that we do need to address with our intelligence, energy, and determination. The key is being able to distinguish between issues that are worth fighting over and those that are a waste of time and emotional energy.
Fighting is a big deal. Every fight utilizes vast amounts of time and energy while requiring an investment of mental and emotional effort. These are all limited resources for human beings and should be used wisely. Over the years, I’ve decided what is worth fighting for based on a few values I hold dear.
The first is a devotion to my children’s welfare. As a parent and now a grandparent, I make a silent vow each day to do my best to guard and protect them to the best of my ability. However, the way that devotion is executed changes over time. Now that my children are grown and having their own children, I’m learning what it means to fight for their well-being in age-appropriate ways. For example, I recall making a conscious decision as they became teenagers to only fight about important issues. Among friends I called it, “picking my battles”. I decided that I would fight to ensure their health, safety, ethical development, and education. And I won those battles. They all reached adulthood as healthy, ethical, law-abiding citizens who are college educated and have life skills.
However, I discovered that my devotion to their well-being didn’t end with their adulthood. I find myself still fighting for their well-being. I channeled that care into supportive availability, observations, suggestions, and advice in my communications with them. However, I only fully realized this week that I needed to ensure that they understand that I have fully relinquished parental authority over their decision-making. While I have never used threats of withholding money, relationships, or guilt to bend them to my will or to try to retain parental control that is no longer rightfully mine, I still found myself being called “pushy” this week and my feelings were hurt. We worked it out. They confirmed that they valued my continued input or advice, and I insisted that I only deserved appreciation and consideration, but not necessarily compliance. Getting to this understanding took two full days of concentrated negotiation, but it was worth it because fighting for their welfare is worth it.
The second fight worth having is for the soul of our nation. I’ve spent my career fighting for the acceptance of diversity, inclusion, and equity in a nation built on the exploitation of people and the environment for economic gain. The reality that some Americans want to maintain the status quote that gives opportunity to a few people at the expense of everyone else is a fight worth having on behalf of my children and grandchildren and everyone else’s children. I think conservatives have faith that they can allow industry to destroy the environment through deregulation because eventually human ingenuity will fix the problems before the polluted water and air reaches their neighborhoods. They have shown that they are perfectly content to deny the poor and people of color access to clean air and water. In addition, I’m convinced that they will continue to deny climate change until they see the profits that can be gained by addressing it.
I’ve fought my entire life to insulate myself and my family from the effects of their policies. But the truth is that I’m still affected by the dangerous Republican Party agenda despite the fact that I am a retired, well-educated, financially independent (wealthy), cis-gender heterosexual female who is post-menopausal and Christian. I also live in an upper-middle class white suburban neighborhood with low crime rates, with easy access to voting, well-stocked grocery stores, and I have health insurance. But their policies still put me and my family at risk. We’re black and that means under Republican policy rule we are at greater risk for mistaken identity, police brutality, and continued poorer healthcare outcomes. MY husband and I often lament that if a burglar entered our house, it would be dangerous for us to call the police because they would likely shoot my 6’4″ black husband instead of the burglar. Eliminating the inequities that remain in our nation for many women, poor people, LGBTQ, and people of color is a fight worth having. Discrimination and equity are not small stuff issues, and the fight for diversity, inclusion, and equity is getting fiercer as Republicans are determined to roll back every newly gained civil liberty and to stop protecting the environment.
So, as an individual I use every tool in my toolbox to continue to fight and enlist others to fight alongside me. These days, I write to lawmakers and public officials. I post issues on this blog and on Facebook and Instagram. I respond to political posts on Tic Tok and Facebook. I started my Fully Present Better Human Project to inspire us all to be better and do better. I encourage people to vote. And I vote.
There are things in this life that are worth fighting for. In my life, I have chosen to fight for the well-being of my family and for the soul of our nation.