I grew up with wonderfully supportive grandparents on my mother’s side. My father’s mother died when he was only 15 years old and by the time I was born, his father was on his third wife and recovering from his third stroke. So, what I learned about grandparenting came from the example of my mother’s parents and then from watching my own parents assume the role of grandparents to my three children. My mother was terrific while my father failed miserably because of his struggle with alcohol. My former husband’s father passed away years before we were married, and his mother was too absorbed running a household of unmarried adult children and grandchildren who lived close by to pay any attention to my children.
My grandparents served as a “safety net” for my mother, particularly after she and my father divorced for the first time and my mother became a single parent, abandoned in California when I was two. My brothers were sent back to our hometown, Detroit, to live with the grandparents. For a short time, my grandfather came to California to take care of me while my mother got her footing in the workforce and secured childcare for me. I’m told that my brothers remained in Detroit for two years.
Throughout my childhood, I recall spending summer vacations and a few winter breaks with my grandparents in Detroit. I later learned that my Easter clothes, weekly allowances, and many extracurricular activities were funded by my grandparents. When my parents separated for the second time, it was my grandparents who provided the down payment on a lovely home in the San Fernando Valley for us to live. Even my first trip to Europe in high school was partially paid for by them. Their sustained support for my mother and for us made the difference between stability and instability in our lives. Their economic and emotional support kept us out of poverty and allowed us to thrive socially, economically, and educationally.
I can see now that it was their support (along with the support of my mother’s younger sister) that enabled my mother to thrive in her career, to climb socially as a community leader, and to establish her own import business. When I married and had my own children, my mother clearly decided that she was going to pay it forward. Even though we were not struggling financially, she decided to ease the financial burdens of raising three children by paying for their preschool, piano lessons, Easter clothes, and by providing them with their weekly allowance. We had fun shopping together. She watched the kids so we could have regular date nights and even travel on occasion. She attended recitals, graduations, and every special occasion involving the grandkids. When she visited, she did laundry and cooked. She was available 24/7 for consultation on every issue, sicknesses, or problem that faced me as a mother. My mother had decided to be a blessing to us, and she was.
Sadly, my mother passed away too soon. My eldest was 14 and the youngest, just eight. In my speech at her funeral, I shared how she taught me to be both a mother and an eventual grandmother by her example. I am so grateful that she left both a social-emotional legacy as well as a financial inheritance because none of us could have guessed that shortly after her death, I too, would become a single mom. Her fiscal responsibility, her example of resilience, her loving kindness, her unwavering faith in the Almighty, as well as her wise counsel throughout my life literally got me through the divorce and my seven years as a single parent.
In the last two years, I’ve finally been able to put those grandparenting lessons to use. The difference is that I am substantially older than my mother and my grandparents were when they became grandparents because my children took their sweet time becoming parents. For me, the only good thing about them waiting is that I am retired. I have the freedom, but not the unbounded energy, to come and go without work commitments.
I’m thankful that my children are married, employed, and are all homeowners. Their safety net is broader than my mother’s and mine ever was. They are blessed with parents on both sides who have the desire and means to help support them both socially and financially. Of course, like any family, they have issues and challenges to face because they are human. I’ve acted as consultant on many occasions. I’ve cooked, cleaned, and decorated. And I’ve done far too much worrying for my own good. I’ve suffered under the accusation of being called “pushy” on occasion as well.
But the question I struggle to answer for myself is where to draw the line? How do I reorganize my living trust and my will to provide “what” for my grandchildren? Because they don’t really need a safety net beyond occasional babysitting and consultation, I’m not certain how much spending and inheritance is too much or how much energy spent in caretaking is too much. I laughingly joke about how all my knitting and spending on baby clothes is like a sickness. But I question whether I’ve done too much when my daughter (who just had her first baby) told me that my son explained to her that the thing about Mom was that they’ve never had to buy their son any clothes. That grandson is nearly two years old, and I have yet another box of clothes wrapped up and ready to mail as I write this. Granted my son and his wife are busy professionals who seldom shop and happen to like my style choices, but is this the role I’ve carved out for myself as a grandmother? Child stylist?
I hope it is. The past two weeks gave me a scare when my daughter faced serious complications and even possible death from childbirth related complications. I worked to exhaustion cooking, shopping, cleaning, running errands, and taking care of her and the baby. The thought of having to help raise one of my grandchildren at this advanced age is terrifying to me. I know many grandparents raise their grandchildren and I applaud them for doing so. But I really do not want to be one of them. It would be a blessing to maintain the role of occasional babysitter, consultant, listener, and grandchild stylist. But given that life can be unpredictable, I must have faith that God will give me the strength, grace, and wisdom to face whatever comes my way as a grandparent.
Next month (March), grandson number three is scheduled to be born. And while he does have a lot of hand-me-downs to wear, I couldn’t stop myself from shopping for a few sharp outfits he can call his own.