Lately, I’ve met the nicest people during my trips to the grocery store, the doctor’s office, the post office and to restaurants. People seem to be going out of their way to be kind, engaging, and helpful. Some don’t even work at the place; they’re just patrons like me. Workers and patrons alike are engaging in empathetic conversations with me about food, the weather and just life in general. I welcome the engagement. Sometimes, it starts with a simple, “How’s your day going?” On several occasions, someone has noticed me reaching for a product and asked what I was planning to do with it. Other times, it’s just a comment on a shared circumstance like a really long line. I’ve received a lot of compliments on my gray hair. My everyday lived experience out and about is nothing like what I’m seeing on the news or on social media. You’d think there was a “Karen” lurking around every corner to challenge your right to exist, or an undocumented criminal lying in wait to rob or assault you, or a non-binary person screaming at you for using the wrong pronoun, or some MAGA cult member itching to start a fight over politics. I’ve experienced none of this.
What I realize is that most people are decent. Like me, they simply want to live in a society where people treat others with dignity and respect and where they can simply go about their day peacefully with positive interactions sprinkled throughout. We are social beings who want to be accepted for our basic humanity, and I think that the pandemic really robbed us of the daily connections that helped keep us emotionally healthy. So, I welcome the now more frequent simple and positive conversations with strangers sharing a common space. It brightens my day and I’m pretty certain it brightens theirs as well. I can tell by the smiles and the parting wishes for a great day.
The problem is that we have collectively given economic and social incentives to the media and content providers to highlight the most indecent behaviors. The market rewards poor behavior with views. The more socially deviant, the better because we are mesmerized by violence, sex, and craziness. Videos of outrageous “Karen” behaviors go viral. Other examples of rare but indecent behaviors that are exploited for gain are the rare teacher who pushes inappropriate material on students, the heinous crime of an illegal migrant, the “smash and grab” thieves running wild in a store, the high-speed car chase through crowded streets, the star who wears the most revealing outfit at an awards show, or the politician who makes the most xenophobic, homophobic, misogynistic, and racist statements. Highlighting indecent behavior promotes more indecent behavior. And even worse, the constant onslaught of rare but outrageous behaviors and unusual but scary events, skew our perception of reality and makes us vulnerable to support those who intentionally generalize atypical indecent human behavior as typical to use as a fear tactic.
I am convinced that many of the culture war issues are in fact manufactured. Politicians realize that it is effective to turn rare indecent incidents into epidemics of indecency. Let’s face reality. Not one of us has ever been forced to attend nor to take our children to a drag show or a drag queen story time. It will be rare for any of us to encounter a dangerous transgender person in a public restroom. We are far more likely to be murdered by another American citizen and someone we actually know, than by an undocumented migrant. And almost none of our children have been in a classroom with a teacher who is actively working to make them gay or to question their gender identity. The books being banned are about accepting differences among people; not creating them. And the goal is to reduce bullying by promoting understanding and tolerance.
Are there people in America who lack common decency? Of course there are. I once took a sociology class on social deviance. The professor said it was a class about “nuts, sluts, and perverts.” They certainly do live among us, and we definitely want to curb their behavior when it harms others, not promote it. I don’t know any person from either political party that wants to normalize violence, open borders for terrorists, human trafficking and drug dealing, pedophilia, rudeness, bullying, or the sexualization of children. Anyone who is pushing that narrative is lying. Most people are decent and prefer decency to indecency.
The problem is that the media outlets are incentivized to give the indecent airtime and we are too quick to watch the spectacle on television and on social media. There is an old saying that the things that get rewarded, get repeated. We have collectively rewarded the media and content providers with our views and clicks for which they are monetarily rewarded. They likely know that our viewership and clicks are linked to our disapproval, but that is not the point. Outrage, fear, and incredulity sell best. They know that we may watch a bridge collapse in horror, and that the effect is our fear that the bridge in our area may also collapse. They know that the extra attention given to the nearly naked singer accepting an award on television only encourages other young singers seeking attention to also dress that way. Ratings are not approval, but they are money. Often there is dismay and outrage behind the views, but the goal is to make a profit and that comes from viewership. The negative consequences to societal norms be damned.
I recall when Trump first came on the political scene. I was appalled by his crude and dangerous rhetoric. Almost daily, he would call into NBC’s Today Show and talk nonsense. I actually wrote to them and asked that they stop giving him airtime every morning or I would stop watching. Apparently, I was in the minority and people kept tuning in to hear the next outrageous thing Trump had to say. They continued to take his calls. I haven’t watched them since. The profit incentives within corporate media made Donald Trump a political contender and today they keep his candidacy alive. They know he is a clear and present danger, and yet they can’t forgo the profit from the impending train wreck. I won’t ever forgive them for it.
In short, we get the society we are willing to pay for with our clicks and our views. If we want less violence, explicit sex, rudeness, and lude behaviors to fill our television and social media feeds, then we simply need to turn the channel or scroll past them. Most people are decent, experience everyday decency, and yet also desire decency within the public square. It’s within our collective power to restore it with decent viewing habits.