My mother was right. She once said to me that I could have it all, just not all at the same time. Well, by a stroke of luck (or fate), I did have it all and it wasn’t all at the same time. My “haphazard” life story, the journeys of my daughters, and the state of our society today inform my advice for mothers raising daughters, for ambitious and talented girls, and for young women entering adulthood.
The first thing I will say is that we as females in this particular country (for now) are much more than our uterus and our place is wherever we choose it to be, whether that is the boardroom, the studio, or the kitchen. If a girl is blessed with an average lifespan, good health, energy, talent, and intelligence, then with some strategic planning, she can assume different roles throughout her lifetime without foregoing the fulfillment each role has to offer. In other words, I reject the notion that the vocation of a woman is limited to that of wife, mother, and homemaker.
Let me be clear. These are not vocations, but possible roles and responsibilities that change over time. Let’s start with the role of being a wife. For me, being a wife has always meant being a full partner, confidant, and companion, not a servant. I like being married and both times I was careful to marry men who respect women and honored my independence. However, I realized as a 35-year-old “stay at home” mother of three that fidelity was also important to me so when my first husband decided he wanted a side piece, I had the job skills, the confidence, and the education necessary to forge a different path. I was prepared to take the reins when I filed for divorce, securing the property, alimony, and child support the court ordered.
I learned from that experience that a woman must always maintain her own credit, checking, investments, and savings accounts. Total dependance on another human being is a dangerous and unwise decision that has thrown many unprepared women and their children into sudden poverty. My advice is to be careful when choosing a spouse if marriage is desired. These days there are a growing number of men who are eager to offer women “security” in exchange for a return to the days when women were regarded as property to be controlled. There are men looking for a personal slave who will give them sex on demand, who will cook and clean up after them, who will do as they say, and who will raise their babies on their behalf. They demand obedience and exercise total control. They will use religion, financial security, emotional gaslighting, or brute force to break a woman’s will and to undermine the natural human desire for personal autonomy. So, any man who offers to “take care of you” should be a “no, thank you” because there are always puppet strings attached. You want a partner, not an overseer.
Now, let’s move on to motherhood for those who desire children. My first piece of advice is to pay attention to our biology and to utilize effective birth control to protect against an untimely pregnancy. The inconvenient reality is that our biology intends for us to give birth in our twenties. It is far easier to get pregnant, sustain a healthy pregnancy, give birth, recover from giving birth, stay up with crying babies, and run after a toddler when you are in your twenties and early thirties. And it is also much easier and better for the child to do this with a partner, so I highly recommend first getting married after a few years of college, work experience, and savings in the bank. If given the option, choose funds for a downpayment on a house rather than a fancy fairy tale wedding.
Motherhood and career choices is where the idea of having it all, but just not at the same time comes in. Too many women put off serious relationships and having babies in favor of building a career. Sadly, some find they have waited too long. Yes, there is the option of freezing eggs, but youthful motherhood is still better. I think we need to give ourselves permission to prioritize raising children for a decade or even two. If you do the math, say you graduate from high school at age 18. You go to college and work until you are 25, actively dating in search of the perfect partner. You marry and have your children by the time you are 30, prioritizing child-rearing over work. When you are 40-45, you can return to college for a master’s degree and start or continue your career in earnest, unimpeded by childcare demands. You can then work for as many years as you are able or desire.
Being a mother isn’t a vocation. Most mothers know that raising children is both fulfilling and challenging. But some fail to realize that it is a temporary role. Children grow up and the mother-child relationship along with its responsibilities shift. Mothers will always love and worry, but mothers are supposed to stop “mothering” when their children are adults. I’ve seen plenty of women who mistakenly think that being a mother is their primary vocation and identity. While motherhood is a temporary priority for sure, those who think otherwise panic when their children begin kindergarten, and many feel lost or go into depression when their children leave home. I was never like that because I viewed the role as a temporary one, worthy of my best effort.
While not right or not possible for many, I worked undemanding jobs for a bit and then chose to stay home with my children during their formative years because I wanted to give them my full attention. I wanted to monitor their homework, to teach them life skills, and to give them a very broad range of experiences. However, I always viewed staying at home with them as temporary and I looked forward to sending them into their adulthood as well-equipped humans so I could fully dedicate myself to a career. I lamented that the divorce cut some of that plan short, particularly for my son who was only eleven at the time and my second daughter who was a very vulnerable 14- year-old. However, I put aside my personal hurt and anger over the divorce and encouraged their father to remain active in their lives. They needed him, too, and we remained full partners in parenthood. Alimony allowed me the time to earn a master’s degree and to embark on a new career.
And finally, I’ll give advice about homemaking. When I was a stay-at-home mother, I was the classic Suzi Homemaker. However, in truth, anyone who lives in a home (of all genders and ages) is a homemaker. We each assume specific roles to ensure the security, cleanliness, and comfort of the place we reside. In my home, I happen to be the primary cook because I’m much better at it than my husband. He is better at fixing things, building things, and installing stuff, so he assumes that “handyman” role. We each do our own laundry from start to finish and we both do dishes and clean toilets. We garden and grocery shop together. He cleans the showers and takes out the trash. I vacuum, mop, and dust. We both clean windows. At one point we paid a housekeeper when we were working, but since we’re retired, we’ve divided up the household chores.
I’ve been fortunate to have experienced being married twice to men who respected my independent thoughts and aspirations and my autonomy as a human being. I’ve had the privilege of being a stay-at-home mom to focus on my children until the youngest was eleven. I’ve also had the joy of obtaining a full education, earning a bachelor’s degree early in life and post-divorce, I earned both a master’s and then a doctorate. When the children were gone, I remarried, focused harder on my career and traveled around the world for fifteen years. Today, I am a financially independent retired wife and grandmother who writes a blog every Sunday. My mother was right. I was able to have it all, but at different times.