I raised my son at a time when it wasn’t so confusing what it meant to be a good man. I was grateful that he had two older sisters who essentially conditioned him to be respectful and considerate of their talents and desires as females. Following the advice of multiple child experts, I ensured his cognitive development, self-control, discipline, and attention to his body. He had an adequate supply of male role models, including his father and stepfather, my brothers, men at church, scout leaders, and a stream of athletic coaches. None of these men were perfect human beings, but they demonstrated a form of masculinity that was confident, caring, considerate, competent, and protective. It takes a village to raise a child and that applies to sons in particular. Today my son has a beautiful wife who is a physician and two handsome young sons. He works hard at being a nurturing father and a full partner to his wife.
In reality, considerate partnership is all women want from the men in their lives. Sadly, too many young men say they are lonely and can’t find a partner. They think women are too independent to want them or that all women think men are too toxic. The reality is that they are not being the kind of man women today are looking for. They have spent too many hours playing video games, scrolling on social media, and watching television and too little time preparing themselves socially for a productive life that will make them an attractive partner.
There is a crisis happening before our eyes when it comes to young men in the United States. The rate of male college attendance and completion has fallen significantly below that of their female counterparts. Low teacher salaries have resulted in fewer male teachers who understand male learning patterns and who can serve as good role models. Male disciplinary problems in school and lower achievement are the result. And worse, the actual levels of testosterone and libido have fallen by nearly 50% in men under age 30. The percentage of men who want to marry and have children hasn’t fallen that much, but the ability to find a partner and then to produce enough healthy sperm has fallen drastically.
Researchers have looked at a variety of reasons for this biological change and have found a connection between excessive porn viewing and low testosterone. This is why China actually banned porn. Testosterone is responsible for more than just producing healthy and adequate amounts of sperm. It is also responsible for competitiveness, muscle strength, sex drive and making new red blood cells. Thankfully, there are now effective therapies available to boost testosterone levels.
Beyond low testosterone, young men are reporting a crisis of identity. They are struggling with the loss of their traditional role in this society as leader, provider, and protector. They mistake job competition for discrimination. They aren’t being discriminated against; they just aren’t automatically entitled to the job, that raise, or that promotion ahead of women like they once were. Women have been working harder to get ahead, delaying marriage and pregnancy that once hindered their career progress.
In my youth, many of the women attending college with me were seeking a “Mrs.” degree above academic achievement. That has changed. Is it a good thing that birth control and reproductive choice liberated women to make their own money and to pursue careers outside the home? I think it is good that women are no longer expected to become a wife and mother or face the once stigmatized life of a lonely spinster who owns cats. I recall the days when my 25-year-old girlfriends were in full out panic mode if they were still single. As a solution to this male identity crisis, some men are trying to drag women back to those days. However, shaming women will solve their problem and banning birth control and abortion has its negative consequences that no one is ready to deal with.
As greater numbers of women put off family life, rejecting the traditional roles of dependent wife and mother, to take advantage of enhanced access to higher education, well-paying careers, politics, and even sports, many men have been left wondering what they are supposed to be doing. They are tuning in to alpha male pod casts in record numbers for answers. Let me just say that Andrew Tate does not offer good answers and thankfully, he was arrested for sex trafficking this past week. But we can’t ignore the distressing fact that young men are turning in increasing numbers to Trump and Vance in the hope that they will restore their place of power and authority in society.
Many men wrongly think that most women do not need nor want them. They think that if they can’t be the head of the family and the main provider, then what good are they? They want to cling to the notion of the bread winning husband who comes home from work and is greeted by a loving wife who caters to him. On social media, some men (and a few women) have taken to insisting on that traditional order of things, insisting that a real woman’s role is to obey men, do the cooking and cleaning, and mother their babies while allowing their man to provide for them. Others have given up on women, marriage and children altogether, choosing to concentrate on themselves. And many others are left wondering what to do and how to be a man that women desire.
The answer in my humble opinion is simple. Most women today want a partner (not a master) who is educated, competent, hardworking, considerate and who uses his extra muscles to help around the house and to protect, not to abuse and dominate. Some men are clearly getting it, and they post videos online of themselves cooking and nurturing their children. My son and sons-in-law don’t post videos like that, but they are those men.
I see my children are raising my grandsons to nurture their physical and mental strengths, to be athletic, to respect women, to be considerate, and to value and pursue a fulfilling education and career so that one day they will be attractive as potential partners in life.