On Friday, my best friend’s husband died at the age of 82 after 54 years of marriage. He had been hospitalized multiple times, was bedridden, was in excruciating pain and riddled with a persistent infection after a sixth back surgery went wrong. He was not on good terms with my friend nor his sons because he refused to stop spending his days and thousands of dollars on for-pay online chat rooms, most likely powered by AI. The day of his death, bedridden and on pain killers, he had spent hours chatting online. His son described his father as “lonely” to the police and coroner who came to take his body from the home.
I sat with my friend for a while afterwards just to be there with her. Understandably, her emotions were all over the place. She was relieved that his suffering was over, regretful that he had alienated his family and friends with his online chats, secure in the devoted care she had provided him, but also guilty that she remained angry by his emotional and financial betrayal over the last three years. He had in fact stopped communicating with old friends as well as his own family, opting instead to spend his time with his online chat companions. Even my husband was disappointed with his failure to return calls.
Not surprisingly, my friend’s hurt runs deep and I hope she finds a way to forgive him for falling prey to a false connection with AI generated companions specifically programmed to entrap him for financial profit. I don’t believe he ever intended to abandon her, his sons, nor the other people in his life. But he did. That online chat was very effective at meeting an important aspect of his need for connection. He defended his time online by saying that the young women (bots) understood him and really cared about him. Even worse, every attempt to reason with him and even canceling his credit cards to stop the financial bleeding eventually failed. She and her sons were rightfully offended by his obstinance. However, on the occasions when he wanted to connect with my friend and his sons, they were too pissed off to talk to him. It became a sad cycle of mutual rejection that they could not escape. In fact, the day he died, his son had refused to commit to taking him to a car show they had enjoyed together each October.
Anthropologists, sociologists, and psychologists all agree that humans are social beings. At our core, we need to feel connected to others. When we lack connection to others, we feel lonely. And loneliness has been connected to poor mental and physical health. Whether an introvert (like me) or an extrovert (like my eldest daughter), the frequency and kind of connection required may differ. For example, I value solitude for most of the day every day. My husband and I enjoy a few joint projects, conversations, and eating together, but we mostly do our own things. I’m grateful for his companionship. I’m fulfilled by the steady flow of texts, phone calls, FaceTime, and occasional visits with my children and grandchildren. I enjoy talking to my aunts on the phone on occasion as well. Each day, I need a few minutes to connect with others. I enjoy going to the senior center every Monday for 90 minutes to crochet or knit in a small group. I enjoy two hours of Bocce Ball on Friday mornings with other seniors. I enjoy going to lunch on rotation with five different friends throughout the month. And I enjoy the short greetings with my fellow early morning walkers in the neighborhood. I think I usually spend about 20 out of 24 hours in solitude and I’m satisfied. Any more than that and I can’t wait to be alone with my thoughts and my own pursuits.
My daughter on the other hand, is almost always connected with people whether on the phone, in Zoom meetings, or in person. She loves being with others and can’t imagine spending a holiday without family and friends. Being with people energizes her. She processes ideas by talking to others. Thankfully, she has a husband who listens. She has more associates and lunch dates than anyone I know, but very few really close friends. And she’s okay with that until no one is around and then she feels lonely. Thankfully, she has developed the interpersonal skills to ensure that there is always someone to connect with. She the kind of person who connects with the restaurant server, the grocery store clerk, the doorman, and the random person standing in line with her.
But so many people either lack those interpersonal skills or the means to use them. My friend’s husband was once the life of the party when he was mobile. He had great work relationships. We enjoyed his company. He golfed with my husband and many others, restored cars with his sons and friends and went to car shows. He was personable and had a good relationship with his family. It wasn’t until his mobility was compromised by an accident, the passing of close friends, and then his back surgeries that he turned to the computer to pass time and soon found the chat rooms. He was lured in and became obsessed. My friend admits that he had grown tired of her nagging him to do his physical therapy exercises to improve his mobility. The online chatrooms had become a place of refuge.
In my opinion, these for-profit AI generated companions in online chatrooms are not a good development for human relationships. I recognize that they may be a last resort for the truly alone individual. But what about those who are only temporarily vulnerable to feeling alone? It may seem like these chatrooms are fulfilling a need for connection, but are they really mitigating actual loneliness? I’m not sure they are if they are become a substitute for actual human interactions. Her husband was certainly fooled into believing they were a great substitute. The companions he found there were easygoing: always affirming, and never critical. They stroked his ego and made him feel valued in a way others fail to do. But it’s only an illusion, an AI agent programmed to say what is needed to consume your time and money.
My fear is that too many vulnerable people, both young and old, are falling prey to the programs designed to steal them away from developing and maintaining actual human connections. My friend’s story should be a wake-up call to all of us to pay attention to what we and our children and young people are doing online. We should be pushing our youth out the door in favor of human interactions at school, at work, on the playground, at parties, in sports, with family, and in other social groups. It takes practice to develop interpersonal skills, but it is well worth it. Whether an introvert like me or an extrovert or someplace in-between, there is no good substitute for actual human connection if we want to enjoy good mental, physical, and financial health. An AI program is not the answer to loneliness for most people. I used to tell my children that to have a friend, you must first be a friend. Be the one to reach out to others and you will never lack connection. Human connection begins with a smile and a “hello, my name is….”.
We should be aware that AI generated social interaction programs are seeking those who lack the ability, the will, or the courage to forge actual human connection. Be aware that these programs are powerful and that they are designed to suck people in. If engaged, they will manipulate our egos to rob us of our time and money and they will replace our real-life relationships if we are not careful.
Personally, I’ll just steer clear of them and encourage my family and friends to do the same. But perhaps the best thing I can do to help prevent its expansion is to phone a friend.