As a mother and grandparent, I’ve always believed that my most important responsibility is to instill in my children (and by extension my grandchildren) a sense of personal responsibility for their lives. I learned from my mother that nothing worth having is given to us without struggle; the most worthwhile things must be earned with skills, hard work, and determination. I’m forever grateful that despite societal obstacles and numerous family shortcomings, she instilled in me a strong sense of agency and a belief that I could be successful if I was diligent and realistic about my capabilities. She pointed the way, not only with her encouraging words, but by example. She taught me great moral values.
I passed along these values to my children like faith in God, listening to their gut, generosity, getting an education, loyalty, integrity, hard work, asking questions, persistence, and standing up for themselves. Blaming others for their failures or lack of opportunities was never anything to dwell on because there will always be people trying to block our way or drag us down. Sometimes those people were other black folks. It was okay to be disheartened and even angry about it, but it was never okay to give up because of other people. Our job was to get up, dust ourselves off, and start searching for another door or the open window. It’s no wonder that my son’s first big word was, “persevere”. I’m thankful that he learned early that perseverance is such an important character trait.
Today, I am glad to say that my children are all college-educated, married, own homes, and are living what many would call the “American dream”. They live in affluent neighborhoods and continue to pursue their best lives. I’m thankful that they followed the same footsteps my mother laid out for me and that they got the same results. Of course, there were obstacles to maneuver every step of the way (there always is). There were temptations to overcome and sacrifices to make. The path was never straightforward, nor was it easy. Tough lessons were learned when bad choices were made. However, there were a few foundational keys to our progress.
The first was faith in God and the power of prayer. I continue to believe that He would never leave us nor forsake us. I lived by the belief that God would ultimately repay my enemies on my behalf so that I didn’t need to waste my time nor my precious energy on revenge. I was quick to forgive and modeled that for my children. Hate and the desire for retribution only hinders our ability to move forward. Asking for forgiveness and being quick to forgive is a foundational principle I learned and taught my children. It has kept our family and friendship relationships strong, building a loving and dependable support system.
Another foundational key was generosity and kindness. Giving to others in need out of compassion and empathy was something I saw modeled by my mother and confirmed in the Gospels. I adopted this for myself and taught it to my children. Being welcoming of the stranger and keeping company with the lonely is my practice and I’ve seen that behavior in my children. Over the years, I took in foster children, I continue with volunteer work, and I give generously to the needy. It’s great to watch my children do the same in their own ways. My mother used to quote the scripture that says, “To whom much is given, much is required”.
Yet another foundational key is doing your best work and being thorough. Cream rises to the top and I’ve taught my children that they only need to combine their best effort with the necessary time needed to complete the job and they will succeed. Of course, natural talent helps, but consistently hard work will outshine innate talent alone. When you combine natural talent with hard work, you’re going to rise. To avoid bragging, I’ll just say that this is a formula that has worked repeatedly in our experience.
And finally, the last foundational key is financial literacy. I follow the proverb that says, “Only a fool spends everything he makes”. I have been a saver since childhood and investing has multiplied my income to the point of financial independence. My greatest expenditures were in support of the education and wellbeing of myself and my family. For me that meant purchasing a home in a safe neighborhood with excellent schools and paying healthcare and for extracurricular activities. I took the financial advice of Susy Orman early on and passed on her wisdom to my children. I’m thankful that because of those lessons, I don’t have to worry about money, and I have the freedom to do and purchase what I want. I’ve cared more about investing in myself and my children and watching my savings grow than developing a taste for extravagant things. I made my own coffee and carried my own lunches until I retired. I didn’t buy designer clothes or shoes, but I was always dressed for success.
A big part of financial literacy is to be diligent about maintenance of my body and my things. I don’t need a shiny new car every few years. I start by purchasing a reliable car over a fancy car and follow the maintenance schedule. I keep my cell phone until a new one is absolutely necessary and by then it is free. I brush and floss twice a day and get my teeth cleaned every 6 months. I get all my medical check-ups. I keep my house clean and organized. I exercise my body and my brain to retain my independence as long as possible. I grow most of our produce and cook 95% of the time. As the saying goes, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”.
The fewer the bills, the better, because a penny saved is truly a penny invested. I’m glad to have an inheritance to pass on to my children because I contributed to my 403b (like a 401k but for non-profits) and I also invested monthly in a good index fund since my 20s. I didn’t try to time the market and that consistent investment paid off. I’ve always kept a good emergency fund and avoided credit card debt, opting instead to collect the rewards.
I share these pieces of my life because I realize there are those among us who are scapegoating immigrants and others for their lack of progress. Immigrants aren’t taking your jobs. Immigrants aren’t taking your housing. If you don’t have a job or adequate housing, look in the mirror. What choices are you making that to prevent you from getting the job training or education you need to get a decent paying job? What personal traits keep you from being consistently employed? The safety nets have been in place, and the doors of opportunity were opened, but did you walk through them? I’ve met some lazy folks and some folks with attitude problems that answer that question. So, unless you are physically or mentally unwell, you should only point a finger at yourself for your lack of progress.
It has not mattered to me personally whether the Democrats or the Republicans were in power until now. And that’s only because white nationalists have overtaken the Republican Party and they have an agenda to end the social safety net, to deport immigrants of color, and to close the doors of opportunity to women and people of color. They want to make America white again and to re-establish a racial hierarchy with white people on top. Stop listening to anyone who tells you that someone else is holding you down or stealing what is yours. Those people covet your support for their ethnic cleansing. Believe me, you will not be better off when the immigrants are gone because you are still you and they will see to it that you can’t get ahead of them.
Blaming others is a fool’s errand and doesn’t lead to anything but heartache and pain for everyone involved, both the scapegoater and the scapegoated. It’s time to take personal responsibility for ourselves and our progress. In this country, if we are physically and mentally healthy, we can make lifestyle choices that will lead to our personal prosperity. It’s time more people take personal responsibility for themselves and stop jumping on the scapegoat wagon.