If we are observant and honest with ourselves, we can acknowledge the uncomfortable truth that boys and girls are different, especially when it comes to communication. My son talked far less than my daughters when I was raising them. In fact, he started speaking later than both of his sisters and when he turned 15 years old, he basically stopped speaking altogether as if forming words was painful. His vocabulary for a couple of his teen years consisted of a series or grunts with an occasional articulate request, a yes or no response, and some short retorts when someone pissed him off. He wasn’t socially awkward but his ability to comfortably express his thoughts and emotions was never equal to the females around him. Thankfully, he was never allowed to use his fist rather than his voice to make his point, as is the manner of too many men. His preference became avoidance. That is what my husband does and what I recently observed in a disagreement with my son-in-law. They simply refuse to engage in emotionally meaningful discussions that challenge them to express themselves in words. I find that most women are far better with words than most men. Of course, there are always exceptions.
Until the socially awkward tech bros rose to extreme wealth and prominence, our society rewarded men with exceptional speaking skills. Articulate men were held in high regard by both men and women and were rewarded with prominent leadership positions. For most of our history, white men who are good with words dominated influential professions in universities, politics, law, journalism, churches, and business. Of course, white male dominance in these fields was only recently challenged and women came flooding in. Not surprisingly, the growing influence of women in highly influential positions threatens the egos and perceived livelihoods of a lot of men, particularly those who are less educated, socially awkward, and far less articulate.
Even though it was clear that both Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris were not only far more articulate than Trump but were also more qualified for the position of president, Trump won. There are many who could not vote for Hillary Clinton nor Kamala Harris because they were female. And I surmise that many men chose Trump because he reminds them of themselves and their desire to dominate without the need for fancy words, intellectual arguments, or social graces. The fact that Trump wins by ignoring social norms and uses name calling, intimidation and brutality rather than cogent arguments, appeals to them. Trump reminds them of a time when men could take from women with impunity. He reminds them of a time when might made right. Frustrated men who felt they are unattractive and powerless in a society that has values education, articulate speech and rational behavior mistakenly feel more desirable when Trump wins. They aren’t.
I now have three young grandsons who were also slow to speak. They are sociable and understand everything, but the words are often missing or unintelligible. My second grandson, at 2 1/2 years old is going to speech therapy and the therapist acknowledged that 90% of her clients are boys. It’s not that boys aren’t as smart as girls. It could be that their brains are wired to focus more on physical tasks as opposed to conversation. For example, I converse with my adult daughters almost daily while I’m lucky to have a real conversation with my son once every few months. I find myself guessing a lot with him and him confirming whether what I’ve surmised is correct or not. For example, this past week my son sent me a random picture of his youngest son sitting naked on the toilet. I texted him, asking if this grandson was actively being toilet trained. I received a one-word response the following day, “yeah”. My girls would have explained the triumphs and challenges of toilet training and their feelings about the whole thing. I learned early on that probing my son to tell me more only annoys him. He talks all day at work, and I know how exhausting that is for him. So, I take what I can get from this hardworking devoted husband and father who is loving, law-abiding and ambitious. The differences between males and females can’t be ignored.
Lately, I’ve been noticing how quickly young men are falling behind in academic pursuits. They continue to dominate the STEM fields where verbal acumen is less valued. When I was working at the university, more female students participated in campus activities while the male students played video games in their rooms. As of today, there are more women enrolled in college than men and women are making progress in the workplace, assuming higher positions when merit-based inclusion policies are in place as opposed to cronyism. I’ll say again that women are not smarter than men, but they are generally far better at articulating their thoughts and ideas and they find collaboration and group projects easier to navigate than many men.
That said, too many men feel threatened or belittled by women who can express their thoughts and feelings better than them. It’s disturbing that so many young men are becoming increasingly isolated as the tech bros have introduced AI companions to replace actual relationships with females. For socially awkward men of few words, the fact that it is no longer acceptable to sexually abuse or silence women using intimidation is frustrating. The fact that women no longer need men to survive is even worse for their future prospects. The Republican solution to this problem is to roll back DEI, limit women’s independence, and reintroduce Christianity.
It’s no wonder men who desire relationships are finding that path through religion. Religion coerces women to assume the role of traditional wives and mothers and doesn’t require men to negotiate through communication. They may not be able to win a verbal argument, but religion allows them to continue to dominate. A lot of women have caught on and are choosing not to marry nor stay married to such men. I’m really tired of men who think they win an argument by saying, “We either do it my way, or we don’t do it at all.” These men are finding that women are choosing to not do anything at all with them permanently.
In this country, at this time, we have to meet the challenge to help men and women find a new way of communicating with each other. The answer is not a return to oppressive male chauvinism. And it certainly is not AI relationships instead. We can begin by recognizing that there are some very basic differences in communication, accepting those differences, and learning to work with them. Women will do well to appreciate the task orientation of most men and men will do well to appreciate the gift of gab among women. Maybe appreciation is the answer, not a return to discrimination to force domination.