Author: tonihall805@outlook.com

The past few years have been isolating and difficult for many of us. I know our family has been unable to gather in our home for the holidays since the pandemic conspired with my husband’s colon cancer to keep us apart. It’s been disappointing. I deeply miss the laughter, the hugs, the games, the conversations, the presents, and the breaking of bread together.

While health issues and distance continue to keep us apart for yet another year, I’ll make the best of our “couple’s only” Christmas at home. At my husband’s request, I’m making Cornish hens stuffed with wild rice, basil balsamic green beans and peach cobbler for dessert. I mailed Christmas gifts to the kids and grandkids along with most of those therapeutic hand-painted items I completed. We purchased gifts for each other to open, too, although mine is a Cricut hot press that I chose myself. And just for a fun surprise, I purchased $40 worth of holiday-themed scratchers. It will be fun to see if we win something. I’m planning to speak with all the kids and close family members today to help close the distance between us.

To you readers, please know that I appreciate you taking the time each Sunday to read about my life experiences, my thoughts, reflections, and ideas about how to improve our lives as humans. I pray that there is something in my commitment to be transparent and vocal about life as an older black woman in America that helps or inspires or encourages you.

I wish you a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Happy Kwanzaa, and Happy Holidays. May the joy of the season surround you whether you are alone or surrounded by family and friends. If you feel a bit lonely today, I encourage you to treat yourself well and then to reach out to family and friends who will love hearing from you. I pray that 2023 is better in many ways than 2022.

Along with others, I was deeply saddened by the suicide of TWitch (Stephen Boss). I had followed this young man’s career from his beginning on the dance competition show, “So, You Think You Can Dance” through to his DJ and executive producer position on the “Ellen Show”. He seemed to have it all. He had a charismatic personality, a lucrative career, a beautiful wife and three children, and a star that just kept rising. But obviously he still wasn’t happy enough to want to keep on living. I’ve known how that feels.

I consider myself to be a successful person, too, having worked hard to overcome discrimination and childhood trauma. I have a lovely family, I’m educated, I enjoyed a fulfilling career and I’m financially stable enough to allow me to travel and pursue my passions. My passion has always been to help alleviate human suffering and to help secure social justice for humanity. I’m highly empathetic, deeply feeling the emotional and even physical pain of others. Experiencing sympathy pains was such a frequent occurrence during my adolescence that my mother strongly advised me against pursuing a career in medicine. I’ve never been able to sit by and watch people suffer. So, I’ve spent my entire life fighting against suffering and injustice, worrying about these things, warning and protecting loved ones to avoid danger, and praying about these things.

However, in these last few years it’s been really tough to watch humanity spiral toward hate-fueled destruction of everything I hold dear. The bad actors seem to be gaining ground and hurting more people while so called “Christian evangelicals” are actively working to roll back gains in social justice. And so, while taking our daily walk last week, I found myself confessing to my husband that I’m discouraged by the growing lack of human decency and outright human inhumanity to other humans and the planet. I confessed that if given the choice of whether or not to return to this earth to live another life, I would choose not to. I told him that the only reason I was still here was because of the people I love. I couldn’t hurt him or the children and so I live on and press on.

As the tears flowed down my cheeks, taking him by complete surprise, I confessed that I really needed to ride around the neighborhood at night to see the Christmas lights. I explained that those lights and decorations people put up are expressions of kindness to others. They are meant to feed the soul and I really needed to see them right now. I explained that Christmas lights aren’t put up for the enjoyment of the people inside the home, but for others to see and enjoy. I told him that I really needed to see that right now to feel that there were positive humans in the world. As I was expressing this sentiment, a couple with a home nicely decorated for the holidays, was moving towards their vehicle, apparently on their way to work. I stopped walking, turned to them, and said, “Thank you for decorating your home for Christmas. It really means a lot to me to see your decorations.” They simply smiled and I think my husband thought I had truly lost my mind.

The following week, despite all my prayers, personal tragedy struck our family and I felt yet another wave of discouragement and anguish over life on earth. I had begun painting as a therapeutic measure from the previous week. And so, I just redoubled my painting efforts. I painted nearly all day, every day for about 10 days. I know my husband was worried about me because the only thing worse than seeing the world in turmoil was to see my children in pain. And they were in pain over this unexpected loss. And so was I. I moved quickly from disbelief, to sorrow, to anger at the universe.

On another morning walk a couple of days ago, I reassured my husband that I understood and accepted that life was a mixed bag and that I couldn’t pray myself nor family members out of experiencing the random meteors that strike our lives. I admitted that I thought the universe was just as “mean” as it was generous and that I had to accept that. I explained to him that I had enough joy in life to keep me here and that I knew I had to expect the ugly, the awful, and the painful just as much as I accepted the beauty, the gains, and the lucky breaks. I was thankful that the universe provided the beauty of flowers and trees, delicious foods, creativity in the arts, technological innovation, and the comfort and support of family and friends. With the cruelty came comfort in these things like Christmas lights. They offered me hope for humankind and a restoration of my soul, if I looked for them.

My bout of discouragement ended as I realized that although the universe is cruel and random in its distribution of destruction, I can choose how to respond to it. I’m not clinically depressed, so I can choose to not give in to bitterness, hopelessness, anger, nor resentment. But many are clinically depressed and need to seek help from a mental health professional. Whether through medication or talk therapy, depression can be overcome. I’m thankful for the ability to dial 988 in case of a mental health crisis and I’m sad that TWitch wasn’t in the state of mind to access the help he so desperately needed.

That said, I choose to be a person who puts up Christmas lights to remind other humans that there is kindness, joy, and beauty to be found on this earth. I choose to use my voice and my pen to pursuit social justice. I choose to give to those who are in need. I choose to continue to pray and warn of danger. And I now choose to spend a bit more time looking at the Christmas lights for the strength to continue to fight against the negativity than vows to consume us.

The other day, my husband and I were watching television together when a commercial featuring an affectionate same-sex couple filled the screen. My husband groaned and got up, exclaiming that he can’t watch it. And that’s his right. I groaned too, but for an entirely different reason. I felt frustration and sadness and a renewed desire to help others, who unlike my husband, aren’t willing to at least tolerate an expression of humanity that doesn’t harm others.

But the reality is that we are in a continuing battle to determine how our society will function with its relatively new reversal of legal discrimination against women and every kind of minority group. At the forefront are important issues surrounding the legalized freedoms, equitable treatment, and inclusion of minorities, women, and poor people throughout our society. I admit to being a progressive when it comes to equal access to opportunities, to dignified and just treatment, and to the freedom of human beings to openly express who they are so long as they do not endanger the lives of others.

I’m also a Christian. But no longer in the conservative evangelical Christian sense. I grew up listening to a self-serving chauvinistic view of Christianity that infantilized women, demonized homosexuality, and sanctioned tyranny as God’s order. I think I was about sixteen years old when I began to reject this view of Christianity.

I recall a conversation with my eldest brother after one of those sermons about men being the head of the household and how wives had a Christian duty to obey their husbands and to follow his lead as though they were following Christ Himself. I told my brother that I would never marry if that was the case. I couldn’t understand why God would give me a brain and a will if I wasn’t allowed to use them after I got married. That mindset carried through to their belief that women were unsuitable for leadership over men in the church, the workplace, and in public life. For me, this relegation of women to second class status was without regard to a woman’s intelligence, talent, and wisdom and it was the first crack in the worldview of conservative Christianity.

I was also taught to believe that the wages of sin was eternal damnation in a fiery hell, but that the gift of God was eternal life through the sacrifice of Jesus on the Cross. I was taught that our job as believers was to share this “Good News” to save sinners from their inevitable fate. The difference between evangelical Christians of my youth and those today is that we didn’t try to legally force “sinners” to live as saints or to at least hide their sinful behaviors to make us feel more comfortable in society. In the more conservative society of my youth, we could simply remove ourselves from situations and segments of society that were offensive to us. But things started to change as society loosened its restrictions on what was considered decency and legislatures codified civil liberties around speech, marriage, and access to opportunities.

I recall ministers spending a lot of time telling us what music we couldn’t listen to, what movies we couldn’t watch, which television shows were inappropriate. One time our youth choir was not allowed to sing on a Sunday morning because they were caught enjoying a secret dance party the night before. School became difficult. In fact, I gave up drama class and drama competitions because the material I was being asked to perform was too offensive. Conversations with non-believers became difficult. Parents began home-schooling their children to protect them from exposure. Ministers began preaching against higher education as a corrupting force to be avoided. But I intended to go to college and my family understood higher education was an economic necessity for good employment. The list of restrictions kept growing as society became more openly accepting of the full spectrum of the human condition. Churches began to fracture over what constituted sinful behavior and what didn’t. Conservatives worked to produce contemporary music, movies, television programs, spiritual dance teams, and to build schools that would educate young people.

However, the revelations of sexual and monetary improprieties were exposed among prominent church leaders across the nation, including in my own church. Political pundits stepped in and offered a return to public decency through government. They asserted that this was a “Christian” nation, and that the nation would be destroyed if Americans didn’t repent and return to “God’s ways”. I eventually left what was obviously an institution full of self-righteous hypocrites who had adopted a “do as I say, not as I do” model of leadership. I decided to follow Jesus’ teachings and not those of self-serving controlling men. And once I left, I met decent people who thought differently and lived differently. I took a world religions class in college. I traveled abroad. I experienced secular music and movies and television and broadened my worldview. I learned that I could love and mingle with people from a wide range of backgrounds and not be contaminated by them.

I learned to trust myself and to listen to the voice within to decide how to be a good Christian. I could decide for myself what music and shows inspired and encouraged me to do good and what was a bit too much for me. I gained a different perspective on what sin actually was and wasn’t. I now view sin as intentionally doing harm to others. I discovered that I don’t like violence. I don’t like seeing people intentionally hurting others. I realized that I don’t like things that are too sexually explicit. I don’t like exploitation of any kind. And I especially don’t like the tyranny we are witnessing today.

A tyrannical form of Christianity has joined with white nationalists against freedom-seeking people in a fight over how this society will function moving forward. These white conservative evangelical Christians and white nationalists want to move about freely in the country without having to see gay people, transgender people, or women and people of color in positions of power. They think their bigotry, sugar-coated as morality and “greatness” is more important than other people’s civil liberty and so they vehemently argue that their religious freedom is being challenged by someone else’s same sex marriage or abortion or sex change operation. They demonize teachers who teach equity and inclusion as “groomers” and they think everyone is trying to recruit children into homosexual lifestyles or to confuse them regarding their gender, as if that was even possible.

I realize that their hatred of Jews stems from the prominence of Jews in the media that produces music, movies, and television shows that showcase the spectrum of humanity. They blame Jews for helping with the Civil Rights Movement, for promoting diversity, and for rising to economic power through education and business acumen. White nationalists in particular are frustrated that they are no longer the ones pulling the strings. Their chant in the Charlottesville march was, “Jews will not replace us!” However, in a free-market democracy, those with the capital and the creativity get to produce the products for consumption. This is precisely why they are now willing to terrorize minorities, demonize “wokeness”, and throw out the democracy.

My message to Americans is to first protect the democracy against religious tyranny and white nationalists and then choose with your feet and your pocketbooks what you will consume. If you don’t like abortion, don’t get one. If you don’t like gay marriage, don’t get gay married. If you don’t like sex-changes, don’t have one. If you don’t like violence or explicitly sexual movies. games, and music, don’t consume them. Jesus never forced anyone to follow Him; He was all about our freedom of choice.

Last week, I wrote about the wonderful shows we enjoyed on our trip to New York. But New York is also known for its great variety in dining options. It’s on par with San Francisco, notably the highest ranked city for dining in the country (primarily by me and a few experts). So, I understood that this was going to be fun. I mentioned that my daughter left me in charge of our dining arrangements because of my self-imposed eating restrictions. For this trip, I did ease up on my restrictions on the consumption of animal products, opting for chicken and fish, while also maintaining my intermittent fasting schedule.

That said, I began my research on the internet where I selected top ranked restaurants in Manhattan from a variety of categories that were close to the theater district. I purposely left a few slots open for on the ground recommendations from locals and that strategy didn’t disappoint.

Our food journey began with a recommendation from the door man who stored our bags at the hotel prior to check-in. It was 11am and I was ready to eat. My daughter craved a hamburger, and I craved a relaxed atmosphere post train ride to enjoy a tasty meal. He directed us to one of his favorite spots that is frequented by locals called the Red Flame Diner on West 44th Street, just a few short blocks away. My daughter ordered a burger and onion rings as well as country fries (just to try them). I was happy to see that they had an Impossible burger with French fries on the menu. So, I ordered that. This was a bustling diner with decent service and an extensive menu. We’re not drinkers of soda nor alcohol, so throughout the trip, we only asked for water. The burger was average, but the onion rings and French fries were outstanding. The country potatoes went largely untouched. The pre-tip total for the meal was $45.80. That’s quite a bit for hamburgers. So, on a scale of 1 – 5 stars, I give the Red Flame Diner 3.5 stars.

For dinner, I had made a reservation online through Open Table at Carmines, a highly recommended Italian restaurant, also on W. 44th Street. I didn’t know about the family style portions when I made the reservation. Thankfully, we were seated next to two other couples who, like us, were visitors to the city and were unaware of the huge portions that were to come. The young couple beside us were on an anniversary trip from Virginia and ordered the House salad to start their meal. What came out was a shock to the six of us. They offered to share the salad with us and the other couple who were visiting from Puerto Rico. We gladly accepted. There was more salad than the six of us could consume. We ordered Chicken Lemon over angel pasta for our meal and ended up offering the untouched leftovers to the hotel clerk who was happy for a nice meal from Carmines. Both the salad and chicken entree were delicious. The service was exceptional. The price was reasonable at $50.57 pre-tip. Granted we did have free salad as a starter. I give Carmines 4.5 stars only because I wish they offered a meal option for two. Having to select the same main course was limiting.

The following day, we had reservations at a tiny Chinese Restuarant called Kung Fu Kitchen on 8th Avenue (in Hell’s Kitchen) that I found during my internet search. This place specializes in dumplings and buns and didn’t disappoint. We had guests join us for this meal and we seemed to order nearly everything on the menu because my daughter is really into sampling. My favorites were the green onion pancakes, the chicken and vegetable dumplings, and the noodle stir fry. The restaurant was busy and had a booming take out business. The food easily earns 5 stars, but the ambiance gets only 3 stars as there was nothing pleasing to the eyes about this little hole in the wall.

The opposite is true of the fine dining experience I booked for that evening at Del Frisco’s Double Eagle Steakhouse on Avenue of the Americas. The service was excellent, the ambiance was outstanding, and the food was worth the high cost of every bite. At least that was true for me. We agreed that the dinner salads we ordered were the best we’d ever had. I had a Ceasar, and my daughter had a wedge. But we had divergent experiences with our main courses. My daughter ordered a steak (well-done) and au gratin potatoes. Neither met her expectations. I ordered crab cakes and a baked potato. Both were so delicious that I forced myself to continue eating past being full. (Note to self: listen to the server when she suggests that one crab cake might be adequate.) The blue crab cakes are huge and honestly far better tasting than all the crab cakes I’ve consumed in Maryland. The price tag on this meal was well over $120 each before tip and we only drank tab water. Thankfully, being the frugal person I am, I only scheduled one expensive meal for the trip. Not surprisingly, I give this restaurant the full 5 stars, although my daughter might only give it 4 since she didn’t enjoy her entre as much.

We ate cheese pizza slices from a busy hole in the wall pizza joint that operated like a well-oiled machine and loved it. I enjoyed an almond milk hot chocolate from Starbucks in Times Square while chatting with a Brazilian tourist. We ate with Nicole’s actor clients at Junior’s, a famous diner that has two locations in Manhattan and is extremely busy. The food was unremarkable, but plentiful, earning it 3 stars from me. I think it was bit overpriced as well.

We also ate at Serafina’s on West 49th Street, an Italian restaurant frequented by two of her New York agents. The restaurant was located on the ground level of the Time New York Hotel, just steps away from the theater where the “The Book of Mormon” was showing and where one of the agents had just finished performing when he joined us. I had an incredible mushroom pizza at 9pm. This was the only time I ate past my allowed eating window because I felt it was worth trying a pizza made from ingredients all imported from Italy. My daughter boasted that her simple pasta dish was the best she ever tasted. I give that unknown restaurant 5 stars for great food, great ambiance, beautiful decor, and excellent service.

And finally, we had reservations at Virgil’s Real BBQ in Times Square on West 44th Street. The southern soul food menu and the black wait staff was a refreshing change. I had fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, collard greens, and corn bread. Nicole had ribs and a bunch of sides she wanted to sample. This meal was exceptionally satisfying and priced just right. The ambiance was relaxing, and our server was friendly, honest, and knowledgeable, steering us in the right direction. He was so charismatic that my agent daughter had a private conversation with him afterwards. (Agents are always looking for new talent.) Anyway, it turns out that Vigil’s is a sister restaurant of Carmine’s without the required family sized portions. So, I give Vigil’s Real BBQ the full 5 stars and a promise to return if I’m ever in New York City again.

If and when I do return to New York City, I will also revisit Kung Fu Kitchen and order my favorites. I would spend the money and return to Del Frisco’s and order their Cesar salad and just one crab cake. And I would buy a slice of pizza from any one of the many pizza vendors in the city. Dining in New York City is worth the time, money, and effort to travel there.

I’m no stranger to New York City, nor to Broadway Shows. However, this trip to New York City was very different from my previous excursions. For starters, it was a freezing cold third week in November, and I was accompanying my daughter who owns and operates a talent agency after a career in musical theater herself. She has many contacts and talents working on Broadway and what was a business trip for her was an opportunity for me tag-a-long to discover the joys in a visit to New York City worth blogging about. And there were a lot.

Few successful trips happen without preparation. I wanted to enjoy everything to the fullest and that meant setting the foundation for physical and emotional comfort and convenience. First and foremost, years of travel taught me the importance of traveling lightly. I use a small carry on and a small travel purse that fits in my light backpack. My small carry on is adequate for four weeks because I pick a basic color theme and plan my outfits around this theme, washing clothes each week (sometimes by hand). This time I chose black and dark grey with burgundy and teal as my pops of color. I purchased two important items specifically for this trip: black walking sneakers and a burgundy down coat. I got lucky on the coat. Macy’s was having an early Black Friday sale and I was able to purchase a Michael Kors burgundy down hooded coat for only $99, shocking the sales lady at the register. The retail price was $270. That purchase was a gift because it was freezing in New York City, and I wore that coat every moment we were outdoors.

Since I’m on a plant-based diet and do intermittent fasting, my daughter tasked me with finding restaurants. Before researching the best restaurants in New York City, I made a couple of decisions. First, I loosened my strictly plant-based diet for the week. I would allow myself diary, fish and chicken, but no processed meats. I would limit sweets and concentrate mostly on vegetables at every meal. And second, I would continue to eat only during my eight-hour window that coincided with my California eating times. That meant eating our first meal at 11am and our last meal before 7pm. It worked out perfectly because my daughter doesn’t do breakfast and we generally missed the crowds at very popular restaurants where I couldn’t make a reservation.

I’ve never been one to get star struck. Perhaps it’s because my parents exposed me to so many entertainment industry people growing up in California. That early experience exposed me to the sad reality that many celebrities have greater insecurities and fewer freedoms than others. As I’ve aged, many of the actors I encounter refer to me as “Mom” and find a weird comfort in my company. This trip was simply more of the same as we dined and socialized with Broadway actors, producers, and production people after shows and between shows. I enjoyed the VIP treatment while watching my highly competent daughter be the networking guru that she is as a former performer turned businesswoman. We met with her New York agents, and I got to see first-hand how highly respected she is as a boss-lady.

As for the shows, upon arrival in New York, we attended the video taping of Sherri Shepherd’s show as VIPs because my daughter’s good friend is the producer. It was fun. Sherri really caters to a Black female audience whom I would characterize as “church ladies”. That evening we went to see “MJ”, sitting center orchestra. I highly recommend the show to anyone who, like me, was a fan of Michael Jackson. The young actor who plays Michael, Myles Frost, won a Tony Award for his portrayal. Personally, I was amazed by his presence and his dancing, but I couldn’t understand a word he was saying. It might have been a problem with his mic or my plugged ear situation acting up. The playlist included all my favorite Michael Jackson hits and that alone put a smile on my face.

My daughter’s long time best friend, Jewelle Blackman, is starring as Persephone in “Hades Town” and so we went to see it. We later had lunch with her and one of the production designers who is also her boyfriend. It was by far my favorite show of the week. I loved the story, the music, the production, and the set design. No wonder it won a Tony Award for the Best New Musical. Again, we had the best seats in the House, but I hated the lack of leg room in that theater.

We also had great seats for “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child”. The magic in that production is unbelievable, the production stellar, and the story is really interesting. But what impressed me the most was the diversity of the cast. Unlike the movies, there were people of color cast in a variety of roles. Most surprising of all was that the role of Hermione Granger was played by an amazing Black actor, Rachel Leslie. Again, the lack of leg room afforded to audience goers was uncomfortable and detracted from the overall experience. It may just be me who hates feeling cramped.

And finally, we went to see K-Pop pre-opening (front row seats) and then again on Opening Night (back row seats) because my daughter has two actors in the show. Trust me, the back row seats in the small theater is much better. I’m a big BTS fan, but not a huge K-Pop fan. However, the show was a real treat for the eyes and sometimes for the ears as well. The lights, the costumes, the dancing, the production and even the story were on point. My favorite songs were performed by the K-Pop star, Luna. Some of the other songs were less memorable and there was one song in particular that I actually hated. I was tempted to make a comment about that song to one of the producers whom I met in the lobby the first night. I held my tongue since opening night was the following day and I knew the entire cast was under tremendous pressure. So, I complimented him on the show, hoping that someone would catch and correct that one egregious moment when everything was so off. Unfortunately, it was still there Opening Night and I just wanted to cover my ears until it was over. Thankfully, Broadway shows are notorious for self-correcting weak moments.

I thoroughly enjoyed our jam-packed four days in New York City despite the cold weather. It neither rained nor snowed and we felt safe in the city. We interacted with wonderful people every day including industry people, restaurant servers, hotel staff, Uber drivers, and tourists. In my experience, being kind and caring towards others brings out the best in people and that’s what we experienced. On day two, our doorman began hugging us every time we returned to the hotel to welcome us in from the cold. Upon our final departure, I left a thank you note for him with the front desk clerk whom we had shared untouched leftovers from Carmine’s a couple of days before.

Well, this post is getting way too long, so I will save our restaurant and other great experiences for next week’s blog post.

I’m taking a break to be fully present in New York City with my talent agency owner daughter as we dine at recommended restaurants and enjoy five shows plus an opening night, a talk show taping as VIPs, and meet with her industry clients and associates. I’ll share the experience at a later date.

For today, I’ll share one of my seven October 2022 poems. The entire set of frameable poems and other promotional products are available in the store at www.fullypresentbetterhuman.com. All proceeds go to further the Fully Present Better Human Project.

Woke up this morning to hear about yet another mass shooting. This time at an LGBTQ nightclub in Colorado Springs. What sadness we keep inflicting upon ourselves as humans. We must be better and do better.

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A few weeks ago, I went to get some blood work done. Like many medical offices and businesses, the check in process is now handled via a touch pad where you enter your information. I found it easy and pretty straight forward. While waiting, a big screen displayed my place in line and an approximate wait time. I thought the system was easy, efficient, and a definite improvement. However, an older woman who sat in the socially distanced chair beside mine wasn’t at all happy. In fact, she was unnerved enough to look my way and comment that she hates all these changes. I confirmed that there are in fact a lot of changes coming our way pretty fast and that it’s sometimes difficult to keep up. And then she expressed how she hated the changes and how she wished it would all just stop. I tried to empathize and point out how that many of these new ways have actually improved our lives.

In that moment, I was reminded that change is very difficult for a large segment of the human population. They see change on a continuum ranging from inconvenience to a life-altering threat. However, I happen to be one of those people who is excited by change and innovation. That doesn’t mean I love every change, but I’m not opposed to change because I tend to imagine greater efficiencies or new doors of opportunity. I find change akin to the eagerness I feel when opening a gift to discover the treasure inside. Admittedly, some treasures turn out to be better than others. These days, change is rapid with innovations in language that reflect changes in culture, social awareness, and technology. And those technological innovations create changes in how we work, shop, and interact socially. I’ve noticed that many of my fellow baby boomers are somewhat resistant to change. It takes us a while understand the rapid influx of new systems, new technologies, and new social norms.

In fact, my husband is definitely one of the slower adopters, especially when it comes to social changes regarding human sexuality and sexual orientation. He struggles every time he sees a transgender person on television. He has a physical reaction when he sees same sex affectionate behaviors. After many conversations with him on the topic and numerous interactions with some of my students over the years, the best I’ve been able to expect from him is respectful behavior. My husband is the type of person who won’t even try food that he didn’t grow up eating. I have to assist him with new technology because he is often too impatient to bother learning how to use it. In so many ways, I feel he is missing out, but the rapidly changing world causes him stress and anxiety, not anticipation for new experiences that might be enjoyable.

My husband’s resistance to change helps me understand why so many Americans embraced Trump. Like my husband struggles to embrace new foods, new technologies, and transgender and gay people as full members of society, Trump supporters were unprepared to see people of color and LGBTQ people in positions power. Trump promised to turn back the clock for change-resistant Baby Boomers and Silent Generation folks who reject the changing times that make them feel powerless and left behind. The changing demographics and outspokenness of people who were previously hidden and silent now appear before them at every turn and they find it unsettling, even repulsive.

Obama was a wake-up call that social progress was here. When you think about all the changes such as climate change, same-sex marriage, gender fluidity, female sexual empowerment, a “Me Too Movement” that exposed the prevalence of unchecked male sexual misconduct against women, and Title IX reforms that insists on female equity in education and sports, it’s easy to understand why some older people are simply overwhelmed. Even some Generation X people are distressed by the notion that the values of their parents and ministers are being overrun by the masses of “godless” Americans they see on television and in the movies.

I get that change is hard for some people. But not all change is bad, nor does every change affect us. It is our responsibility as those who see the opportunities for inclusion, equity, and improvements in these changes to have sensitive conversations with our resistant friends and family members about the changes, employing our empathy, understanding, and patience. We can ask them how same-sex marriage impacts their heterosexual marriage and listen to their response before pointing out elements of our constitution that grant everyone the right to life, liberty, and the pursue happiness. We can listen to their complaints about pronouns and gently remind them of how much they, too, want to be respected for their identity. We can talk about climate science and why changes in how we interact with the environment is consequential to the livability of the planet. We can ask those Christians among us who embraced Trumpism for examples from the Bible where Jesus asked His followers to harm others to make them comply to their values and beliefs. Our best chance to bridge the divide that is tearing our nation apart is to listen with empathy and respectfully share our own perspective.

Change is inevitable. It has always been a part of the human experience. Our job as citizens is to elect and then insist that our lawmakers and governors adhere to the basic precepts of our Constitution that grant us the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness and that they pass laws that acknowledge the truth that all humans are created equal. We must insist that they acknowledge that we are guaranteed freedom of religion and that there is no state religion. It is our duty as citizens to not only vote for candidates who will uphold these principles but to petition the government and leaders when they try to violate them.

With this new, almost evenly divided Congress and Senate, I plan to take every opportunity to reach out to our representatives via email, written letter, or phone call to let them know that I expect them to adhere to enact laws that protect lives and that adhere to the principles in our Constitution that give us the freedom to live and love as we see fit so long as we do no harm to others. I will let them know that I value dignity and justice for everyone and that equal protection the law is a priority for me. I will let them know that although I am a Christian, evangelism is not the job of the state. I will let them know that I value integrity and allegiance to the nation, not a lawless political bully and that I will hold them accountable for their actions moving forward.

The opportunity I see with historically different mid-term election, makes me excited about the opportunity to encourage lawmakers to address issues like immigration reform, climate change, crime, and truth in information in the public square. These are issues where we share common concerns and so if we join forces as citizens and insist, I anticipate a robust debate that can result in the enactment of changes that benefit the nation moving forward.

I understand that folks are busy with time-consuming and energy-sucking activities like earning a living, getting an education, raising a family, keeping house, and just having some fun here and there. That’s life. And for many years that was my life as well. However, throughout all those years, I still made time to vote. I fully acknowledge that there are more distractions today that make voting more challenging for busy folks. In my early years, a more reliable news media and local election boards made it easier to select candidates and to vote at the polls. Aggressive journalists kept politicians on their toes so that issues were more important than personality. Living in an affluent area, the longest I had to wait in line to cast a ballot was 15 minutes. These days, because California is awesome, I vote by mail for even greater convenience. Other states don’t have it so well. In recent years I started hearing about people standing in line for 9-11 hours in poor urban areas to exercise their right to vote. That’s one way to make it harder to vote. But there are others.

In the pre-Trump era, politicians were far more truthful and less hypocritical because there were scores of journalists ready to expose lies and misdeeds. Candidates or office holders who lied or misbehaved in egregious ways were shamed into apologies or disqualification for office. They either withdrew their candidacy or resigned from office. Most Democrats still do this, but Republicans do not. Since Trump, public shaming no longer works on Republicans. They keep their eyes on the prize that power brings and just wait out any bad press. In addition, they created their own news media outlets to minimize, hide, or simply lie about their misdeeds while actively accusing Democrats of egregious acts. I’ve said repeatedly that Republican accusations of wrongdoing keep turning out to be confessions. But it doesn’t seem to matter. Hypocrisy has become the norm and they use “Christian” forgiveness as a tool to excuse a multitude of their own misbehaviors but deny that same grace when it comes to Democrats. Go figure.

It seems that everyday people are just too busy to care these days. Republican strategists determined that it was advantageous to replace actual journalists with commentators on television and radio and social media to spread misinformation, ignore truth and bad behavior, while stoking unfounded fears and openly enraging their audience against Democrats with baseless claims of stealing an election, communism, open border policies, defunding the police, pedophilia, and child sacrifice in their devil worship. With an older audience groomed to trust the media and people too busy or too ignorant to fact check, they found this to be an effective way to lure people away from Democrats while promoting candidates who will push a White Christian Nationalist agenda that suits the religious values of some, the white supremacist social values of others, and the power and wealth agenda of a few. This is the coalition that was formed to “Make America Great Again” while actually destroying the moral fabric and democratic underpinnings of the Republic.

History has shown that when the majority of people are too busy living their lives to notice a radical political shift against their freedoms, a minority of voters who are hyper-focused, hyper-motivated, and hyper-scared of progressive changes they seize power. The motivated minority are otherwise reasonable people who are fed an overwhelming amount of misinformation, fear mongering, and hateful rhetoric coming from charismatic voices. Those voices have a tyrannical agenda posing as protection from manufactured evils. With the majority busy living their lives, elections swing in a direction that is detrimental to freedom and democracy. The many will suffer at the hand of the few before they realize what has happened.

We’ve already seen the consequences of the 2016 election. We now have a Supreme Court that repeatedly upholds a White Christian Nationalist agenda as the law of the land, overturning Roe v. Wade and poised to overturn Affirmative Action. Next will be gay marriage and transgender rights. White Christian Nationalists are on the ballot in every state, and they are counting on the majority of Americans to be too busy to notice their actual agenda or to even vote. MAGA folks have even taken to voter intimidation in some places. And even the polls can no longer be trusted to accurately predict the outcomes of elections since they screw towards older white Americans who have the time to take them. In 2016 people who were polled were too embarrassed to admit that they were going to vote for Trump and so the polls were misleading. I pray they are again off the mark and that Democrats will be able to win governor races, secretary of state races, and hold both the House and Senate. But without a huge turnout of voters, winning is not certain and I fear what is in store for our nation.

If MAGA Republicans win this election and keep on winning, LGBTQ rights will be rolled back. Not only abortion, but contraceptives will be banned. Social Security and Medicare will be on the chopping block. Clean energy and climate change initiatives will be rolled back. It will be harder to vote for the changes because voting rights will be suppressed. Actual science and history will be subject to religious and ideological changes. Diversity, equity, and inclusion will be replaced by legalized discrimination. Law enforcement will be permanently outgunned by vigilantes and criminals alike. The streets will overflow with the blood of innocent lives. Prisons will explode with dissenters, LGBTQ folks, doctors, and people of color falsely accused and plea-bargained into prison sentences. Americans will die from the lack of clean water and air, increased natural disasters due to climate change, and the inability to afford adequate healthcare. And make no mistake, this country will become a theocracy where vocal professors, musicians, artists, filmmakers, and writers are silenced.

It sounds ridiculous and unbelievable. It sounds too ludicrous to even believe such a society could exist in the U.S., but that is where this nation is headed if the majority of Americans don’t vote in this election and the next. Things will get bad as rights are stripped away by a minority of white religious nationalists who have guns and political power. My greatest fear is that busy people will allow this to happen and then suddenly they won’t be so busy anymore. And then all hell will break loose.

In 1997, psychotherapist Dr. Richard Carlson popularized the phrase, “Don’t sweat the small stuff” and authored a few books on stress management using that phase as the first part of the titles, the most popular concluding with “and it’s all small stuff”. Of course, most issues in our lives are small stuff and he does acknowledge that sometimes there are big issues that we do need to address with our intelligence, energy, and determination. The key is being able to distinguish between issues that are worth fighting over and those that are a waste of time and emotional energy.

Fighting is a big deal. Every fight utilizes vast amounts of time and energy while requiring an investment of mental and emotional effort. These are all limited resources for human beings and should be used wisely. Over the years, I’ve decided what is worth fighting for based on a few values I hold dear.

The first is a devotion to my children’s welfare. As a parent and now a grandparent, I make a silent vow each day to do my best to guard and protect them to the best of my ability. However, the way that devotion is executed changes over time. Now that my children are grown and having their own children, I’m learning what it means to fight for their well-being in age-appropriate ways. For example, I recall making a conscious decision as they became teenagers to only fight about important issues. Among friends I called it, “picking my battles”. I decided that I would fight to ensure their health, safety, ethical development, and education. And I won those battles. They all reached adulthood as healthy, ethical, law-abiding citizens who are college educated and have life skills.

However, I discovered that my devotion to their well-being didn’t end with their adulthood. I find myself still fighting for their well-being. I channeled that care into supportive availability, observations, suggestions, and advice in my communications with them. However, I only fully realized this week that I needed to ensure that they understand that I have fully relinquished parental authority over their decision-making. While I have never used threats of withholding money, relationships, or guilt to bend them to my will or to try to retain parental control that is no longer rightfully mine, I still found myself being called “pushy” this week and my feelings were hurt. We worked it out. They confirmed that they valued my continued input or advice, and I insisted that I only deserved appreciation and consideration, but not necessarily compliance. Getting to this understanding took two full days of concentrated negotiation, but it was worth it because fighting for their welfare is worth it.

The second fight worth having is for the soul of our nation. I’ve spent my career fighting for the acceptance of diversity, inclusion, and equity in a nation built on the exploitation of people and the environment for economic gain. The reality that some Americans want to maintain the status quote that gives opportunity to a few people at the expense of everyone else is a fight worth having on behalf of my children and grandchildren and everyone else’s children. I think conservatives have faith that they can allow industry to destroy the environment through deregulation because eventually human ingenuity will fix the problems before the polluted water and air reaches their neighborhoods. They have shown that they are perfectly content to deny the poor and people of color access to clean air and water. In addition, I’m convinced that they will continue to deny climate change until they see the profits that can be gained by addressing it.

I’ve fought my entire life to insulate myself and my family from the effects of their policies. But the truth is that I’m still affected by the dangerous Republican Party agenda despite the fact that I am a retired, well-educated, financially independent (wealthy), cis-gender heterosexual female who is post-menopausal and Christian. I also live in an upper-middle class white suburban neighborhood with low crime rates, with easy access to voting, well-stocked grocery stores, and I have health insurance. But their policies still put me and my family at risk. We’re black and that means under Republican policy rule we are at greater risk for mistaken identity, police brutality, and continued poorer healthcare outcomes. MY husband and I often lament that if a burglar entered our house, it would be dangerous for us to call the police because they would likely shoot my 6’4″ black husband instead of the burglar. Eliminating the inequities that remain in our nation for many women, poor people, LGBTQ, and people of color is a fight worth having. Discrimination and equity are not small stuff issues, and the fight for diversity, inclusion, and equity is getting fiercer as Republicans are determined to roll back every newly gained civil liberty and to stop protecting the environment.

So, as an individual I use every tool in my toolbox to continue to fight and enlist others to fight alongside me. These days, I write to lawmakers and public officials. I post issues on this blog and on Facebook and Instagram. I respond to political posts on Tic Tok and Facebook. I started my Fully Present Better Human Project to inspire us all to be better and do better. I encourage people to vote. And I vote.

There are things in this life that are worth fighting for. In my life, I have chosen to fight for the well-being of my family and for the soul of our nation.