Author: tonihall805@outlook.com

Some people think anger a bad emotion to be avoided at all costs. I don’t. To be slow to anger is certainly a virtue, however, an even greater virtue to channel righteous anger into activities that drive positive social changes. As a follower of Jesus, I see His example of turning over the tables of immoral money changes in the temple, calling them “thieves” as a call to action in the face of social injustice. In this moment, there are so many things to be angry about. This week, after yet another school shooting and Margarie Taylor Green’s false claim on 60 Minutes that democrats are the Party of pedophiles, I pulled out my laptop while students in Tennessee crowded their State House to protest.

While we may have a 2nd Amendment right to keep and bear arms, the Constitution does not specify which arms. It is left up to our representatives who make the laws to decide this question. We must take seriously that lawmakers represent us and that we have the right to vote them into office and to petition them regarding our desires. And so, I sent the following letter to the Speaker of the House, Kevin McCarthy.

April 6, 2023

Dear Speaker McCarthy,

Once again, I must write a letter to you to express my disappointment with our legislative body.  The Constitution guarantees us the right to keep and bear arms, however, it does not specify what kind of arms a reasonable person should be able to keep and bear.  Can I keep a nuclear bomb or a rocket launcher?  Arms that have no value except to kill as many people as quickly  as possible have shown themselves to be contrary to the public health and welfare of the American people. 

Isn’t it the job of Congress to pass laws in service to our safety, liberty, and welfare?  I call upon you and the Republican Party to ban these high powered semi-automatic weapons.  It is not enough that they are fun to shoot or that they make for great family Christmas photos.  Americans are being killed daily and our children have become targets.  Registration of guns is a necessary first step.  But an outright ban of these particularly dangerous weapons is what is really called for.  Please do your job!  Your legislative failures will have consequences.  I predict that this upcoming generation will vote all of you out of office the first chance they get.  They are the actual “pro-lifers”.  They care about the climate and the lives of women and about transgender youth. 

The answer to a bad person with a gun is not a good person with a gun.  Law enforcement will not know who the good person is.  And Uvalde taught us that the courage of good people with guns cannot be relied upon to protect anyone.

On another note, you really need to chastise Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene.  Allowing her to call the President of the United States and all democrats pedophiles deserves a strong reprimand if not expulsion.  Her rhetoric is reckless and dangerous and has no place in our Congress.

Sincerely,

Dr. Juanita Hall

Voting citizen of the United States

My hope in sharing this letter with readers is to inspire action motivated by righteous anger. It’s not enough to punch a wall, go for a run, or to seethe in silence. That may consume the energy of anger by displacing it, but it does nothing to drive the changes we need in our society. As I was writing this letter, my daughter called me on the telephone and asked what I was doing. I explained the contents of my letter and I was shocked that she wasn’t really aware of the shooting nor of the comments by the congresswoman. I realized that there are plenty of people who are avoiding the news because they don’t want to be angered. Ignorance is bliss until all hell breaks out and you wake up to find yourself without rights and subject to legalized discrimination.

Our representative democracy is under attack by a white Christian nationalist movement and that should anger any decent human being. The key is to allow that righteous anger to motivate us to raise our voices in protest, utilize our talents, cast our votes, donate to frontline fighters, and use our creative tools to demand change. If we are quiet in this moment, we will soon find ourselves living under the rule of fascists.

It’s going to take all of us working together to improve our quality of life and to defend our Constitutional freedoms. In addition to writing letters or protesting and voting, we can fight by financially supporting organizations like the Florida NAACP Legal Defense Fund who are fighting a plethora of civil rights lawsuits in Florida, including the fascist “anti-woke” laws Ron DeSantis is passing through the state legislature. We can fight by donating to organizations like Sandi Hook Promise and March for our Lives as they continue fighting for much needed gun control.

Anger is truly a virtue when it drives us to do something positive with it.

It is easy to forget that leaders are human beings who have strengths and weaknesses, prejudices and preferences, and both insights and blind spots. They are neither perfect nor all-knowing, but they are accountable to those of us who to pay attention. Even as a school kid, I made it my business to pay attention to the decisions and behaviors of my classroom elected officers. Early on I realized that they were representing me and that the decisions they made on my behalf impacted my daily school life. And so, I was diligent about making my wishes known. Being an introvert, I never sought leadership roles that required constant interaction with others. Instead, I preferred to whisper my concerns, approval or disapproval directly into the ear of the leader. I learned back then just how powerful my whispers were because very few of my peers bothered to provide the leader with any input or feedback; they simply went with the flow. But I realized early on that without input and feedback, leaders are left to their limited understanding, gut feelings, and personal whims on issues that affect others.

So, I am grateful to live in a country where we have a constitutional right to petition our government. Writing, calling, or speaking directly to leaders about issues of concern continues to be my preferred form of activism and advocacy. I’ve experienced the power of a letter or a speech before a city council. In the past few years, writing letters or sending emails have become a major past time because consequential decisions are being made by elected leaders who are ignoring the rule of law and who are ignoring the important principle of a separation of church and state. If people who are paying attention say nothing and do nothing, then our nation will be run by lawless men who behave like an American version of the Taliban.

This week, I wrote several letters to lawmakers. One of them is Congressman Bryon Donalds, a black Republican from Florida who went on television after the most recent school shooting to say it was time to grieve, not to discuss taking any action to prevent more gun violence. He also claims in interviews and on his website that systemic racism may have existed a hundred years ago, but it doesn’t exist today. Here is my slightly edited letter to him:

March 29, 2023

Dear Rep. Bryon Donalds,

First, I want to say that I was once a rare African American Republican because I believe in hard work. I am a grandmother who has a lot of life experience. I eventually changed parties when Republican friends started bringing a new political agenda into our church, claiming that the U.S. was a “Christian” nation, villainizing my University education, asserting that they were “colorblind”, and asserting that abortion was murder.  Previously, we had believed like the Jews, that life began with breath like when God breathed into Adam and he then became a “living soul”.  We believed that this body is just a temporary tent formed in the womb. We didn’t lament miscarriage as God killing a person.  Suddenly, unborn fetuses became babies who needed protection and abortion was murder.  It made no sense that a heartbeat determined personhood, especially because a heart can literally be transferred from one person to another.  And even today, it makes no less sense to me since embryos can be frozen.

That said, I am writing to you because I saw your pathetic deflection on television, using hollow respect for grieving families to avoid addressing the outrageous everyday problem of gun violence in this country.  Personally, I’ve stopped going to the movies because of it. I’ve stopped going to concerts and large gatherings.  I look for the quickest escape route when I go to the grocery store, the nail salon, or a restaurant. I eye people suspiciously in case they might be the next mass shooter.  When I was working, we had mass shooter trainings on a regular basis.  Unfortunately, we loss a student during a mass shooting at a local nightclub.  None of us have ever recovered from that trauma because these are daily realities somewhere in the country. We are the only nation in the world that is forcing its population to live in this kind of daily terror.  The job of government is to protect its people and you and your colleagues are failing us.  The right to bear arms is not a license to threaten the entire population.  It can and must be regulated with gun safety training, licenses, and background checks.    

You say you joined the Republican Party because you believe in liberty.  All I see is a Party that wants to take away liberties like fair access to voting, a woman’s right to choose, the rights of LGBTQ+ citizens to pursue happiness and freedom of speech.  Your party is banning books and drag shows and science and history, and sex education.  Your Party is stealing personal liberties from anyone who is not white and doesn’t believe a certain brand of Christianity.  The only “groomers” I see are in the Republican Party which I now consider the American “Taliban”.

As for systemic racism which you claim no longer exists, I can tell you that you are wrong.  It continues to exist.  Look at the criminal justice system.  I live in a predominately white suburb.  Every time my brothers came to visit me, they were stopped and searched by the police. My black and brown students experienced the same thing at the University where I worked to the point that I regularly met with the police department about it.   That is systematic racism.  As a child, we moved to a predominately white neighborhood and were uninvited from attending the well-resourced white elementary school that had a cafeteria with hot meals, beautiful buildings, and great playground equipment.  We were forced to attend the school with other children of color that had no cafeteria (only a Thursday “hotdog” day), bungalows, and a playground absent any fancy equipment.  Financing a house took a lot of work.  It wasn’t until we were refinancing our house that my white banking friend (who was a bank executive) explained to me that banks routinely require more documentation and look at closer at black applicants.  That, sir, is systemic racism.  A few years ago, I had a white provost say to me in casual conversation that he could hire a black English professor from Harvard and pay him less because he was black.  I had to inform him that that was illegal and he looked genuinely surprised. Ironically, it turned out that this exact thing was happening to my husband for years.  That situation was only rectified when his boss retired and a new boss saw the disparity, apologized and then immediately boosted his salary and provided a bonus to help make up for years of underpayment.  I inadvertently witnessed a similar situation when I noticed that a Latina employee with a master’s degree and more experience was being paid $10,000 less than a white employee in a similar position who only had a bachelor’s degree and less experience. The Vice President immediately gave that underpaid employee a huge raise and she never knew exactly why. In my years of work experience, home buying, and raising kids in white schools, I have personally witnessed systemic racism in the treatment, education, and compensation of people of color. With each house I sold, I knew enough to remove all traces of our “blackness” when we sold our home so we could get top market value.  Like my mother before me, I had to insist that my children were put into college preparatory courses despite their high-test scores and excellent grades.  They are all successful college graduates today, but it wasn’t without pushing against a system that was set against their progress.

You really need to reconsider your decision to become a Republican.  Perhaps being an independent might be more suitable as your Party seems to offer nothing beneficial to the American people these days.

Sincerely,

Dr. Juanita Hall

Voting citizen of the United States

American descendant of slaves

I believe that most leaders have a desire to serve. As citizens who rely on them to make good decisions on our behalf, we have a responsibility to provide input and constructive feedback. However, our greatest responsibility is to refuse to elect people who covet positions to feed their pathological need for power and fame.

I’ve always been a fighter. And I’ve chosen my vote, my pen, and my pocketbook as my weapons of choice. You generally won’t find me protesting in the streets, although I have marched on occasion. You will find me either boycotting or actively supporting certain businesses, participating in online debates on social justice issues, and speaking publicly about issues I believe are important. I regularly donate to specific political campaigns and political organizations like Moveon. org and Emily’s List. And I haven’t missed voting in an election since I was 18 years old. I recognized long ago that I can’t afford to be uninformed and silent in a society where leaders must be forced to recognize my value and full human rights.

This past week, I heard Representative Bob Good (of Virginia) on C-Spann Washington Journal say some pretty egregious things in favor of “parental rights” that were not only inaccurate but downright dangerous. And so, I wrote him a letter even though I am not in his district. Below is an excerpt from the letter I sent him. I share it with hopes that my readers will be encouraged to also communicate with lawmakers across the country on issues that affect us all.

March 23, 2023

Dear Representative Bob Good,

I saw you on C-Spann Washington Journal this morning and was deeply disturbed and greatly disappointed by your insistence that biological sex is perfectly created by God to be male or female and that science confirms this.  Either you are ignorant of the science or worse, you are intentionally misleading the American public on the issue.

Because you are in a position of leadership to help make laws in this country, I believe you have a duty to be informed of the facts and also to exercise a high level of integrity. With that in mind, I am providing you with the link to the Scientific American www.scientificamerican.com .  Look for an October 22, 2018 article titled, “Sex Redefined: The Idea of 2 Sexes is Overly Simplistic” with the byline, “Biologists now think there is a larger spectrum than just binary female and male”.  I strongly suggest that Congress bring in scientific and medical experts to learn more on the topic before passing laws that are harmful to real Americans who do not fit the binary you articulated on national television to the detriment of many.  The same can be said about the GOP stance on abortion in many respects.  There is a willful ignorance on the topic.

I learned that there are multiple variations in the sex chromosomes beyond the simple XX and XY makeup. While working as a university educator, I encountered several intersex students whose parents literally were asked to choose their gender assignment at birth.  Sometimes the parents got it wrong because guest what, scientists have discovered that our brains have a gender that might not match with our sexual anatomy and these brain differences can actually be observed.  Sex is not just a function of anatomy, but brain neuropathways as well.      

On a practical note, good teachers are trained to care for their students as whole people because we understand that learning cannot take place when a student is hungry or experiencing emotional trauma.  Discovering that one is gay or realizing that you are a female trapped in a male body are traumatic events in a person’s life.  Unfortunately, your Party is making the trauma worse by further ostracizing these students and by making being different something to be ashamed of.  I have a nephew who is gay.  He knew it early on and thankfully he had parents who were accepting and so he was able to come out to them. Not every young person has that luxury.  I’ve had many college students who came out to me (not their parents) and many more who came out only after they graduated from college because the stigma was too great to bear.  Forcing teachers to out a child to their parents is wrong!  Some parents are narrow-minded and downright abusive. There is a reason some students choose NOT to tell their parents!  I do not believe that parents have a RIGHT to know. I would wager that your parents don’t know everything about you!  

I also find your stance on parent’s rights to be one-sided.  Parents like me believe I should have the right to help my child to get the medical attention I believe is necessary to preserve his or her mental and physical health.     

Your insensitive and ignorant policies will literally drive-up bullying, homelessness, and suicides among these young people. Perhaps that is okay with you because you might hold a religious belief that being LGBTQ+ is sinful.  That’s fine on a personal level but not a public policy level in our laws.  That goes against our Constitution!  Our children should be taught the truth found in science and save the religious beliefs for churches and homes where they belong. 

In closing, I urge you to educate yourself or stop misleading the American people, and I insist that you pass laws that honor the actual freedoms guaranteed to us in the Constitution for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness as opposed to promoting the right to discriminate and oppress others based on a particular religious belief.  Sounds more like the Taliban to me. 

Sincerely,

Dr. Juanita Hall

Voting citizen of the United States

I recognize that watching the news everyday can leave a person feeling depressed, discouraged, and even helpless. I’ve heard intelligent people say things like, “What’s the use?” or “Nothing’s going to change” or “No one will listen to me”. But I retort with the quote attributed to Edmund Burke, “The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.” I’m also fond of reminding people that “Silence is consent” (taken from Plato who reportedly said, “Your silence gives consent”).

I sincerely believe that there are more of us good humans than those currently perpetuating the evil of misinformation and a roll back of our civil liberties. Many of must get off the sidelines and do something to turn the tide toward justice and liberty for all.

This week I gifted promotional products from my current passion project, “The Fully Present Better Human Project“, to the three other women who gathered to help cast my grandson Ryder’s hands and feet in plaster. Aside from my daughter, the three other women were also over 60. One was Ryder’s other grandmother, another was his second cousin, and the third was the woman leading the casting project who was a friend of my daughter. Helping new parents cast their children’s hands and feet to create memorable pieces of art was her passion project. I soon discovered that each of us were pursuing passion projects beyond our actual careers.

A passion project is productivity driven by a determination to meet a need or express ones’ values, interests, and creativity. It is a passion of the soul that transcends the desire for compensation and recognition. It is something that one must do. Some passion projects feed our souls through the arts while others serve humanity through invention, problem solving, advocacy, or hands on intervention. I think of the many church pianists or choir directors who contribute their time and expertise every week. I think of those who house the homeless or feed the hungry. I think of those who start organizations, foundations, or charities to meet human needs like Habitat for Humanity where former President Jimmy Carter spent his retirement. Or organizations like NAMI who advocate for the mentally ill by educating society while pushing for improvements in public policy. People can have multiple passion projects throughout their lives or at least contribute to the passion projects of others. I know I have had a few passion projects throughout my life and have supported many others.

My very first passion project was in creative writing when I was eleven years old. I started with a simple poem to express my gratitude after becoming a Christian. I went on to write poems for church programs and plays for youth groups. I tried to write songs from melodies that popped in my head, but one mocking comment from a family member cut that endeavor short. I journaled on a daily basis which eventually led to this weekly blog. I passed the AP English exam and earned an A in my upper division writing class at the USC. On my own, I continued to study grammar and I attended multiple creative writing workshops. I started a magazine, called “Rejoice” (a magazine “for becoming Christian women”) that I ultimately abandoned because of a horrific business betrayal. By my early thirties, I had written three (yet to be published novels). I turned down a publishing offer because as the mother of three, I could not commit to the promotional travel schedule terms laid out in the contract. The novels remain tucked away with my thought to one day revisit them and perhaps self-publish them.

I’ve had other passion projects over the years. In junior high, I wanted to help change the culture of my all-black junior high school that was riddled with daily fights and poor academics. I started the “Get it Together Club” and held school wide rallies to instill a pride in black excellence. After my own children went to college and I was working in education at the University level, I wanted to share my knowledge of the educational system to guide other black parents on how to prepare their children for higher education. I created “Reachable Heights”, a non-profit with the sole purpose of educating parents on how to navigate the educational system, parent for academic success, and understand the college admission requirements and process. The first years were spent raising the funds to pay for the workshop equipment, workbooks and supplies. The years of doing workshops and guess speaking on the topic were productive and fulfilling and I’m hopeful that many parents and children benefited.

I was blessed that my 25 years in higher education as a full-time administrator and occasional part-time professor was a fulfillment of my passion to educate and advocate for diversity, equity, and inclusion as a means to create a better society. That passion continues in my retirement, especially as our society experiences the inevitable pushback from those who feel threatened by rapidly changing racial demographics and a cultural shift away from discrimination against marginalized groups. I always warned my students that those who benefit from discrimination will never willingly relinquish the power to discriminate unless they see a personal benefit, feel morally obligated, or are secure enough to do so.

I created the “Fully Present Better Human Project” in response to the current times. It is my passion to spread the message of the nine principles that I believe will make for a safer and more equitable society for everyone. The project is simply a commitment to be better as human beings living among other “equally valuable” human beings. It is an acknowledgment that collectively we aren’t giving our best to create a society that is as just, equitable and safe as we desire. In truth, we are backsliding. The goal of the Project is to inspire, fortify, and empower those who want progress. The Project espouses the idea that when we do better, our society will be better for everyone, including those we love and care about.

To help spread the message and to support the cost of the project, I created a bunch of promotional products for sale. My hope is that those who appreciate the message will learn the principles and spread the message by using the everyday products I made available. The website I created details the project and has a store where the promotional products are sold. Visit at www.fullypresentbetterhuman.com and become part of the push for better humans.

In my later years, I’ve come to realize that passions when acted upon become “passion projects” and these can go a long way toward personal fulfillment while also improving the lives of others. I feel fortunate to have had the support of family and friends as well as the financial resources needed to pursue multiple passion projects in my life.

At one point in my life, I was content to remain a step-grandparent to my husband’s grandchildren. It didn’t seem likely that my biological three children were going to procreate. But then, later in life, they decided to become parents and I was thrust into the role of grandmother as soon as I retired. How convenient for them in the sense that I had the time and freedom to devote to my family, but how difficult for them as older parents dealing with pregnancy, childbirth, post-partum, breastfeeding and sleepless nights.

I have a difficult time relating because I had my children during my twenties when my body was at its peak and fully energized, so everything seemed to be a lot easier. I had easier pregnancies, easier deliveries, easier post-partum, fewer breastfeeding issues, and sleepless nights weren’t much of a hardship. I was young and naive, so I eagerly accepted childcare advice from my mother. The few books at my disposal were helpful, too, as was the occasional advice from my pediatrician. My friends and I raised our babies together and that was a huge support. Because of the pandemic and the reality that most of their friends aren’t new parents anymore and the fact that many are too busy with careers to spend quality time together, they are on their own. They seem much more isolated than I ever was. Of course, there was also no Facebook or Instagram upon which to post my new parenting experiences and pictures for others to like or to judge.

This past week, my son-in-law mentioned the experience of having his son circumcised and my daughter and I were bombarded with hateful comments from anti-circumcision advocates. Parenting is hard enough without the public scrutiny and harsh judgment of strangers. These were haters who took it upon themselves to attack their decision to have their baby circumcised and to attack me as a grandparent for not stopping them. As though I had any say in the matter.

And I truly do not have an actual say in anything. I’ve learned the hard way that much of my role as a grandmother is to worry (and pray) in private about the welfare of my grandchildren and to provide only the advice that is welcome. It is really hard to harness a wealth of experience and knowledge into the best combination of timing and tact and sensitivity and humility and gentle nudging and soft encouragement to help give much needed guidance to insecure, exhausted, yet mature new parents who are not as naive as I was, nor as receptive to guidance. The balancing act, which I often get wrong, has led my children to label me as “pushy” at times. I’ve been the target of a lot of anger these days for simply raising concerns, directing them to research, or sharing personal experiences and that’s no fun It’s not lost on me how they gladly accept my generosity of time and treasure in support, but how knowledge, concerns, and advice must be approached with so much constraint, caution, and consideration that it’s sometimes a bit annoying to the point of just wanting to bite my tongue altogether.

In many instances, I’ve adopted the attitude of “let them figure it out” if my grandchild can safely survive a given situation. I realize that they will learn through trial and error, or they can avail themselves to YouTube videos like my son-in-law did when confronted with the issue of how to safely introduce their three large house dogs to their newborn son. It was a scary situation that to my knowledge they hadn’t given any consideration to until I was forced to carefully bring up the topic a second time after pressure from other family and friends. Although the topic was initially met with anger, it was well worth the attack. I think the gravity of the situation must have finally sunk in because my son-in-law turned on the television to watch six YouTube videos on the topic. He developed a winning strategy to safely introduce the dogs to Ryder and vice versa. It worked. He brought home a used receiving blanket from the hospital to introduce Ryder’s scent to the dogs prior to his arrival. The dogs were not initially allowed near my daughter and the baby for the first few days just as a mother dog disallows anyone close to her puppies. They accepted the space and have continued to give the baby his space. Disaster averted.

Being a grandmother is like walking a fine line between benefactor, cheerleader, and unwelcome guidance counselor. It entails a whole lot of prayer, sleepless nights, and sacrifice of time and treasure to ensure the best for the parents and the grandchildren. But most of all it is a reminder that the capacity to love is limitless and reminds me how my heart has the capacity to expand to love more people without fear or failure to give my all even when important aspects of what I have to give sometimes feel unwelcome and unappreciated.

I’ll begin this post by saying that I am a huge fan of the book, “Just Mercy” by Bryan Stevenson. He is absolutely right that the current criminal justice system targets and criminalizes our black children as though they were adults with mature brains. I must also state that I support those aspects of the Black Lives Matter Movement that seek to end police brutality, racial profiling, the over-policing of black neighborhoods, for profit prisons, and the unfair incarceration with harsher sentencing of blacks as compared to other racial demographics. However, I am against the notion of “defunding the police” because it would be disingenuous to assert that police don’t have an important role to play in investigating and prosecuting actual crimes, regardless of the race of the criminal. That said, I understand why New York elected Eric Adams as major and why Laurie Lightfoot lost her bid for re-election for major of Chicago. Crime is out of control and victims of crime, many of whom look like me, are scared that the crime situation will continue to get worse, leaving us prisoners in our own homes. And honestly, there is good reason for the fear.

In my early thirties, I considered becoming part of the rehabilitation of young women caught up in criminal activity. However, after just one visit to the juvenile detention center where I talked to individual young women and observed their group therapy session, I was convinced that I was ill-equipped to meet these young women where they were. I couldn’t relate to their way of thinking at all. In fact, I found the chasm between their sense of morality and mine to be too wide to even imagine where to begin to build bridges that would allow us to share a common language, let alone a common set of values to build upon. Some were clearly sociopaths, some had learning disabilities, while others received their moral upbringing from adults unable or unwilling to instill the basics of social norms. They were all victims of trauma, desperate to survive. I had compassion for their situation but no way to reach them. It was like we were from different planets, speaking a different language and living by different social rules.

What I observed were young women with low self-esteem who were raised in poverty, had little to no empathy, were poorly educated, and yet had a sense of entitlement that baffled my mind. There was no sense among them that others deserved respect or had any rights to security in their person or property. They took what they wanted or needed by any means necessary whether manipulation, theft, or violence. Might seemed to make right. In that place, it was apparent that mental toughness and physical strength determined the pecking order. With all the guards around, I didn’t fear for my safety, yet I felt a strange uneasiness by the predatory looks I saw directed at me. I saw young women calculating how they could use my presence to their advantage. These were young women who were in survival mode. They had been abused, neglected, and knocked around their entire short lives and now they viewed others as a means to their survival. I left the facility that day, not only discouraged, but feeling helpless to turn any of these girls around. I didn’t blame them for their predicament; I blamed the adults who were supposed to nurture and protect them but failed to do any of it. I hoped that there were other women who were equipped to mentor these young women into becoming productive members of society as opposed to allowing them to become more cunning and dangerous predators.

I guess I view most actual criminals to this day as predators who have little respect for the lives and property of others. Except for the few with actual social disorders, I continue to blame the system of oppression we live under in addition to the generations of adults who brought them into the world and then failed to raise them. The saying goes that hurt people, hurt people. Among my African Americans peers, I’ve witnessed the emotional trauma caused by discrimination, racism, violence, and low self-esteem. All contributed to a sustained poverty that is difficult to break free of. The reality is that it takes an extra-ordinary level of resilience, resourcefulness, and intelligence to overcome the legacy of slavery and ongoing systemic racism and prejudice in a society that is anti-black at its core. White people like to ignore the systemic obstacles while pointing to the few successful blacks as if their rise from poverty proves that success is likely if only black culture wasn’t so lazy and violent at its core. What a lie and a false justification for over-policing and outrageous incarceration rates, many from unfair plea deals.

So, we have a lot of hurt and neglected young women bringing babies into this society without the capacity to adequately nurture and effectively guide them because they themselves received too little nurturing and not enough proper guidance. Many of the young women at the detention center were already mothers whose children were in foster care or being raised by relatives. The reality is that mothers learn how to mother from their own mothers, passing neglect and abuse from one generation to the next.

Over the years, from childhood to adulthood, I’ve silently observed abusive black mothers in their homes, in church, at the beauty shop, and at the grocery store. Each time, I’ve lamented the damage being done and I knew I had to mind my own business because not one of those women would tolerate my intervention. Impoverished, traumatized, uneducated, and desperate people are the most dangerous people and unfortunately, these people exist among us in growing numbers. The more children born into poverty to traumatized women, the greater the number of desperate people seeking survival by any means available to them. However, there are ways to mitigate the problem.

The first is to nurture other people’s children every chance we get. It means taking the time and effort necessary to engage the children in our lives, especially those who appear to lack nurturing and guidance. We must support community efforts to boost the self-esteem of black girls and boys through role modeling, empathy, education, programs, career opportunities, and access to health care, including abortion care. We need to treasure and raise our children in community to ensure that each black child (and their mother) receives the nurturing, love, encouragement, support, guidance, and financial stability they deserve. If we see each black child as our responsibility, fewer will grow up with that dangerous survival mentality. My mother was a very nurturing person, but so were my maternal grandparents and so were my aunts and uncles. They surrounded us with love, guidance, correction, and financial stability. Because of extended family (including church family) and a few nurturing schoolteachers, we grew up with high self-esteem, a good work ethic, and respect for others. Thankfully, our run-in with law enforcement have only included traffic tickets (sometimes without merit) and profiled traffic stops for driving while black.

The second thing we can do is push our city leaders to reform our police departments. We must insist that they hire mentally stable police officers who actually want to protect and serve the community because we know that bad actors really do exist. We must report every unfair traffic stop and disrespectful police officer. We must demand that there be accountability for anti-black policing, charging, and sentencing in the criminal justice system.

The third thing we can do is demand more of our education system so that our children receive an equitable education. We should be pouring our resources into our schools and insisting that the children in our lives excel in school. We need to show up at School Board meetings to demand that our history be taught and that every teacher in our schools is actually qualified to teach. Under the pressure of violence, crazy parents, and low pay, good teachers are leaving the profession and children will suffer the consequences. A teacher without training will set children back and black children have suffered under this problem for years and it is only becoming worse. As parents and relatives of black male students, we must insist that our boys do better in the classroom than on the playing field. We should ask to see their report card before asking when their next game is. Let’s remind them that they should be scholar-athletes, but not just athletes.

The school to prison pipeline that we are witnessing must stop and we ourselves must be the ones to stop it. Those of us who, by the grace of God, have managed to escape the generational trauma of poverty, neglect and violence have a special responsibility to help others to find their way, too. It may be through mentoring in a juvenile detention center or it may be through tutoring, teaching Sunday School, coaching, becoming a Big Brother or Big Sister, or giving to a local foodbank. It may be getting more involved as an aunt, uncle, older cousin, or grandparent.

For several years, I’ve taught parenting classes. I’ve been on community panels against racial profiling that spoke directly to police cadets. I’ve mentored countless black college students and young black professionals throughout my career. I’ve actively raised scholarship funds. These days, I donate monthly to the Boys and Girls Club of Detroit, Michigan. And now, I am encouraging others to get involved. Each of us can assume a role and we must if we want to combat crime instead of being consumed by it.

I grew up with wonderfully supportive grandparents on my mother’s side. My father’s mother died when he was only 15 years old and by the time I was born, his father was on his third wife and recovering from his third stroke. So, what I learned about grandparenting came from the example of my mother’s parents and then from watching my own parents assume the role of grandparents to my three children. My mother was terrific while my father failed miserably because of his struggle with alcohol. My former husband’s father passed away years before we were married, and his mother was too absorbed running a household of unmarried adult children and grandchildren who lived close by to pay any attention to my children.

My grandparents served as a “safety net” for my mother, particularly after she and my father divorced for the first time and my mother became a single parent, abandoned in California when I was two. My brothers were sent back to our hometown, Detroit, to live with the grandparents. For a short time, my grandfather came to California to take care of me while my mother got her footing in the workforce and secured childcare for me. I’m told that my brothers remained in Detroit for two years.

Throughout my childhood, I recall spending summer vacations and a few winter breaks with my grandparents in Detroit. I later learned that my Easter clothes, weekly allowances, and many extracurricular activities were funded by my grandparents. When my parents separated for the second time, it was my grandparents who provided the down payment on a lovely home in the San Fernando Valley for us to live. Even my first trip to Europe in high school was partially paid for by them. Their sustained support for my mother and for us made the difference between stability and instability in our lives. Their economic and emotional support kept us out of poverty and allowed us to thrive socially, economically, and educationally.

I can see now that it was their support (along with the support of my mother’s younger sister) that enabled my mother to thrive in her career, to climb socially as a community leader, and to establish her own import business. When I married and had my own children, my mother clearly decided that she was going to pay it forward. Even though we were not struggling financially, she decided to ease the financial burdens of raising three children by paying for their preschool, piano lessons, Easter clothes, and by providing them with their weekly allowance. We had fun shopping together. She watched the kids so we could have regular date nights and even travel on occasion. She attended recitals, graduations, and every special occasion involving the grandkids. When she visited, she did laundry and cooked. She was available 24/7 for consultation on every issue, sicknesses, or problem that faced me as a mother. My mother had decided to be a blessing to us, and she was.

Sadly, my mother passed away too soon. My eldest was 14 and the youngest, just eight. In my speech at her funeral, I shared how she taught me to be both a mother and an eventual grandmother by her example. I am so grateful that she left both a social-emotional legacy as well as a financial inheritance because none of us could have guessed that shortly after her death, I too, would become a single mom. Her fiscal responsibility, her example of resilience, her loving kindness, her unwavering faith in the Almighty, as well as her wise counsel throughout my life literally got me through the divorce and my seven years as a single parent.

In the last two years, I’ve finally been able to put those grandparenting lessons to use. The difference is that I am substantially older than my mother and my grandparents were when they became grandparents because my children took their sweet time becoming parents. For me, the only good thing about them waiting is that I am retired. I have the freedom, but not the unbounded energy, to come and go without work commitments.

I’m thankful that my children are married, employed, and are all homeowners. Their safety net is broader than my mother’s and mine ever was. They are blessed with parents on both sides who have the desire and means to help support them both socially and financially. Of course, like any family, they have issues and challenges to face because they are human. I’ve acted as consultant on many occasions. I’ve cooked, cleaned, and decorated. And I’ve done far too much worrying for my own good. I’ve suffered under the accusation of being called “pushy” on occasion as well.

But the question I struggle to answer for myself is where to draw the line? How do I reorganize my living trust and my will to provide “what” for my grandchildren? Because they don’t really need a safety net beyond occasional babysitting and consultation, I’m not certain how much spending and inheritance is too much or how much energy spent in caretaking is too much. I laughingly joke about how all my knitting and spending on baby clothes is like a sickness. But I question whether I’ve done too much when my daughter (who just had her first baby) told me that my son explained to her that the thing about Mom was that they’ve never had to buy their son any clothes. That grandson is nearly two years old, and I have yet another box of clothes wrapped up and ready to mail as I write this. Granted my son and his wife are busy professionals who seldom shop and happen to like my style choices, but is this the role I’ve carved out for myself as a grandmother? Child stylist?

I hope it is. The past two weeks gave me a scare when my daughter faced serious complications and even possible death from childbirth related complications. I worked to exhaustion cooking, shopping, cleaning, running errands, and taking care of her and the baby. The thought of having to help raise one of my grandchildren at this advanced age is terrifying to me. I know many grandparents raise their grandchildren and I applaud them for doing so. But I really do not want to be one of them. It would be a blessing to maintain the role of occasional babysitter, consultant, listener, and grandchild stylist. But given that life can be unpredictable, I must have faith that God will give me the strength, grace, and wisdom to face whatever comes my way as a grandparent.

Next month (March), grandson number three is scheduled to be born. And while he does have a lot of hand-me-downs to wear, I couldn’t stop myself from shopping for a few sharp outfits he can call his own.

After 11 years of trying to get pregnant, my 40-year-old daughter Kim gave birth to a small (5 lbs, 2 oz) healthy son they named Ryder. After being induced because of her age and high blood pressure, three days later she ended up delivering Ryder via emergency c-section under general anesthesia on Super Bowl Sunday. That was followed by two consecutive trips to the emergency room for swelling and extremely high blood pressure (like 181 over 114). It turned out to be post-partum preeclampsia. Needless to say, I’ve been extremely busy cleaning like crazy, taking care of their 3 huge dogs, helping the baby and couple adjust, stocking up on supplies, running errands, and of course praying to keep from worrying. All this drama left no time to write my weekly blog. However, I hope you, my readers, will use this time to catch up on previous posts that were missed or revisit your favorite past posts. I’m always grateful to you readers for taking the time read about my life and I’m hopeful that my stories and reflections in some way enrich your lives.

Things are better now. The house is immaculate, supplies are well stocked, my son-in-law is fully invested in his new daddy role, and we’ve built a schedule that allows all of us a bit of sleep. I plan to return home sometime this week and should have a new blog post for next week. Believe me, I’ll be spilling on the drama of this birth experience.

It’s disheartening to see that some people are so resistant to change that they refuse to accept new information if it threatens their previous understanding of the world and the people in it. I was on another Tic Tok Live discussion where a black conservative male led a discussion on whether the term “cisgender” was offensive.

At first, I wondered why this was even a topic. But when I heard one woman after another complain that it was highly offensive to them to be referred to as cisgender, I realized this was yet another aspect of the culture wars. They agreed that they as original or authentic women saw no reason for anyone to add the “Cis” to their label because there are only two sexes: male and female. One woman was adamant that transgender folks were mentally ill or confused and that because transgender women could never give birth, they were not “real” women. She and others concurred that transgender women will never know what it is to be a woman and that adding “cis” in front of any gender was a slap in the face. They espoused the outdated science that people are genetically and anatomically strictly male or female at birth. They had no notion that there was a difference between sex and gender. Some said they had nothing against transgender women, because people can be who they want to be, however, they resented having to play along with their folly by being called “cis”.

Eventually, a brave transgender woman entered the Live discussion and tried to share her story and said that not all women experience womanhood the same way and pointed out that some biological women can’t have babies either. She tried and failed to convince them of a difference between sex and gender. She tried and failed to convince them that cisgender simply means that your sex assignment usually determined at birth matches your gender identity or comfort with set gender roles for males or females. She explained her own journey to her true gender identity, saying she felt like a girl trapped in a boy’s body from childhood. They belittled her feelings and attacked her horribly. One woman told her she would never know what it feels like to be a woman.

There were dissenters in the chat, like me, who tried to explain that “cisgender” is neither derogatory nor threatening to anyone’s gender identity. I asked them to educate themselves on the current science regarding chromosomes and how they have found that it is not actually the binary we once thought. I asked them to read up on the brain findings that biological sex is also determined in the brain and that sometimes the brain sex does not match a person’s genitalia. Others tried to explain that not everyone is born with clear physical appearance as a male or female and that a parent’s guess for sex assignment can turn out to be different from the biological brain sex.

And then an actual neuroscientist entered the live chat and explained in great detail using scientific language how about seven years ago they discovered that sex is a biological brain function as much as it is determined by genitalia and how sometimes they do not match. The scientific language proved too challenging for the women in the Live discussion, and they refused to even try to understand her. Upon request, the neuroscientist broke it down in plain language and they refused to accept it, saying if this was true, it would be all over the news. The neuroscientist explained that it is widely known in the medical field and in academia but that scientists aren’t necessarily the best communicators with the public. They were trying to get the word out as best they could but that scientific news that contradicts religious ideas and political agendas receives inadequate coverage from some new outlets. This was her reason for joining the discussion, but she was disheartened by the lack of basic science to build upon and by their refusal to even try to understand. One woman actually said she was too busy giving her biology teacher a blow job to learn the basics.

And the neuroscientist was absolutely right. The women reacted as poorly as people did when others first claimed that the earth was round and not flat. One woman said that she was taught in high school biology that people have either xx or xy chromosomes and she’s sticking with that. It was impossible to convince her otherwise.

Because I kept emphasizing the need for them to educate themselves on the current science to appreciate the actual sex and gender diversity that has always existed and in the sex chromosomal make up beyond the xx and xy, and because I insisted that “cisgender” is the language of the informed, educated, and inclusive, the moderator commented that they didn’t need to listen to me because I didn’t have a lot of followers. Others accused me of being transgender. I assured them that I was a “cisgender” female who was a mother and grandmother who happened to be educated and that I found nothing to be angry about because someone identifies me as “cisgender” which is simply the opposite of “transgender”. I wrote repeatedly in the chat that cisgender simply means that gender expression matches my sex genitalia.

Some of the women were outright bigots and bullies. The man who hosted the chat sat back silently and let the women attack and insult the transgender woman who joined the discussion in an effort to educate. She finally further identified herself as an academic professor and a practicing therapist who thought she could be provide information and a useful perspective to the discussion.

Sadly, some on the panel and others in the chat used that information to attack her professionally as well. It was appalling and I was among a few who stood by her side, on the side of empathy, science, an open mind to developing information, and educating oneself. Transgender people may be a small minority among us, but they are none-the-less people deserving of safety, dignity, and respect.

One principle of the Fully Present Better Human Project is to be a lifelong learner. Not only it is healthy for the human brain to keep active through learning new things, but it is good for humanity itself. We need fewer bigots and bullies in our society and lifelong learning is essential for good decision making and for understanding the people with whom we live and interact. For transgender folks, our collective learning and acceptance of the full range of human sex and gender could be the difference between a complete denial of some people’s right to even exist.

I spent a significant amount of time this past week participating in several Tic Tok Live discussions centered on a variety of issues vying for supremacy in the clash between conservative thinking and progressive thinking. My next few posts will focus on unpacking the opposing viewpoints and what I believe makes sense and what doesn’t. One Live that captured my attention (and my input) was a discussion on how some frustrated black men (termed “Passport Bros”) are leaving the country in search of submissive wives.

Before that Tic Tok Live, I had never heard of the Passport Bros. Apparently, there are black men with the means to travel who leave or are threatening to leave the country in search of submissive women to marry because black women in the U.S. aren’t submissive enough. The men on the panel were of two mindsets. There were the outright misogynists who expect women to obey them without a word and to service their needs and ambitions. The other men, saw themselves as compassionate men who wanted to take care of “their woman”. They, too, believed that the role of women was indeed to be submissive and supportive, but they saw value in legitimate questions and respectful challenges, so long as their decisions were followed. Both men acknowledged that finding black women who wanted to be submissive on their terms was nearly impossible in the U.S. and so they needed to go abroad.

I found it interesting that the women were also of two minds. The first group of women were willing to be submissive with the right man in charge and the other viewed marriage as a partnership between two thinking adults with differing skill sets. I was part of the latter group.

The major criticism of the Passport Bros was a perception that they were insecure men seeking to enslave, control, and dominate vulnerable women who were poor, passive, and uneducated. They bashed black women and saw themselves as sticking it to black women by going abroad, but the women on the panel and in the chat were like, “Good riddance; please go” because no adult female with a healthy self-esteem and an education would willingly submit to blind obedience and exploitation. These men seemed desperate to fulfil a need to exploit women for sex and ego. It seemed that they either had a distorted view of women or that they cared nothing about the humanity of women, making them capable of treating women like children, sex toys, and slaves that they would “treat well”. Even the “reasonable” men had expectations that any self-respecting educated woman with ambitions and a voice of their own would find unacceptable. Later, a female law enforcement officer on the panel acknowledged that men who viewed women in this fashion were the most prone to use violence against their wives and girlfriends.

The men on the panel weren’t interested in partnership nor collaboration while the women were either seeking an unattainable level of competence, confidence, and strength in a male to submit to or like me, a partnership. But the reality in the U.S. today is that black females have college degree attainment at twice the level of their black male counterparts. They are less likely to have prison records and less likely to be unemployed. A combination of poverty, mass incarceration, violence, and single parent households as experienced in the U.S. have led black women to depend on themselves. Black females have gained a reputation for being educated, strong-willed, independent, hardworking, competent, ambition and very vocal. I guess it should be expected that many black males (along with others) find black women intimidating and emasculating. Many black women neither need nor want to be lead, however, they do want to be nurturing and loved and some are willing to be submissive under ideal circumstances. To the lament of many black women, it’s become common to find educated black males with white women.

On the flip side, black women are turning to men of other races for partnership much more frequently. All three of my biological children have married outside their race and I don’t find anything wrong with it. They have found someone who is a loving partner to them and that makes me happy. They have all elevated their social-economic status in partnership with the person they married. Contrary to the myth, they haven’t encountered a whole lot of drama from their ethnic differences. Rather, their life experiences and opportunities for growth have been expanded. At the same time, their spouses have become greater advocates for black lives. While I never married outside my race, I would not have been opposed to it. I just happened to meet partners who were black.

I’m thankful that twice in my lifetime, I married black men who were seeking a partner, not someone to dominate. We recognized each other’s knowledge, skills, and expertise and deferred to each other accordingly. The first marriage ended because he finally admitted that he didn’t believe in monogamy. I was confident enough in myself to file for divorce, but many women are not. Because we had been partners, we negotiated the terms of our divorce without drama and remained as collaborative co-parents. In both of my marriages, major decisions have been made through discussion until we reached consensus. The idea that one person makes all the decisions and the other mindlessly follows only works when the follower is incapable of rational thought. I pity the many women I saw in church who were passively submissive wives and later found themselves thrust into poverty and hardship when the man they trusted moved on.

I know there are religious women who believe in total submission because they accept the teaching that man is the rightful head of the household. That system works for women who are willing to place their trust, their talents, and their personal feelings in service to the ego, whims, and ambitions of a man because they trust God. If the man is generous, kind, really smart, has integrity, and values his wife’s feelings and gifts, then it might work. The problem is that very few men can meet the high standard required to command absolute submission. So, in my humble opinion, I’ll take partnership and collaboration in marriage over absolute submission any day.

I doubt the Passport Bros will change their mindset and so I feel sad for the women who may become their victims. A few may be happily submissive and do well in these marriages. But moving forward, I hope we as mothers and grandmothers do a much better job of raising our sons to respect and value the full humanity and dignity of women.