Author: tonihall805@outlook.com

Just prior to take off on my American Airlines flight to Kansas a few weeks ago, the pilot announced that facial masks must be worn during the entire flight, except while eating or drinking. He then proceeded to urge passengers not to take out their frustration on the flight attendants as this was a federal regulation. And furthermore, he joked that if you have to act out your anger over wearing a mask, you should fly Southwest or Delta instead. I laughed along with everyone around me. Thankfully, there was no mask rebellion on the flight.

However, what the pilot was speaking to is a serious problem we are facing in our society. It seems that some people have forgotten how to play well with others. Or is it that the few selfish, inconsiderate, domineering, and bullies among us feel emboldened since Trump? I believe the latter to be true. At this point, the question may not be about how we got here, but how we restore a sense of collective responsibility and care for one another? How do we stop these few bad apples from destroying civility, democracy, the environment, and public health?

Perhaps we need to return to kindergarten where we had our first introduction to society. Kindergarten is where we learned to share and to take turns. We learned that we were not an island unto ourselves and that the needs of the group had to be considered. We learned to wait for our turn. Kindergarten gave us our first taste of the concept of fairness and orderliness. Of course, how we also learned the consequences of inappropriate social behaviors in kindergarten depends on the reader’s age. Anti-social behavior was met by either a slap on the hand or a time out. Sometimes parents were informed. The point is that the disruptive class clown and the bully were not rewarded for their antics. However, social media has upset these necessary social lessons.

Without realizing it, our society gave free reign to clowns and bullies who are hellbent on acting on their character deficits to our collective detriment. The insecure, the selfish, the inconsiderate, the ignorant, the power hungry, the greedy, and the hateful people have always been among us. It’s just that we have allowed their voices to be amplified through social media and then their outrageous antics attract news media coverage. I recall how Donald Trump’s ridiculous lies, racist and sexist comments, and insults hurled at his political opponents became big news. Then candidate Trump was calling into the Today Show almost daily and they took his calls on air. The bully was no longer given a time out nor a slap on the risk, but a multifaceted platform on television, Facebook, and especially Twitter. All manner of lies, misinformation, and nastiness were elevated.

We collectively failed to secure the guard rails around our social contract with one another and now the anti-social among us are running rampant, clothing themselves in a false narrative of personal “freedom”. Governor Ron DeSantis, Senator Rand Paul, Congresswoman Margorie Taylor Greene, and Governor Greg Abbott all fit that bill and are causing great harm to public health efforts. The Republican Party itself has been co-opted by this minority of anti-social/anti-democratic people who are loud, belligerent, violent, and largely uneducated. The My Pillow Guy, Mike Lindell, is a perfect example of how an individual can spread lies and threaten to co-opt our democracy. However, the most ridiculous example I’ve seen to date are the parents fighting and threatening school board members over school masking requirements. I’m hopeful that these parents against masking in schools during a pandemic are simply ignorant and not homicidal. Whichever it is, no parent has the right to endanger the lives of others under the guise of their parental rights. Apparently this common sense notion that brought us laws against drinking and driving and smoking in public places is lost on these short-sighted individualists.

Bible readers know that when Cain killed his brother Abel, God asked him where his brother was. Cain cynically replied, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” We know from God’s response to Cain and from the Gospel of Jesus Christ, that the clear and unequivocal answer is, “YES!” The answer is yes because we must live in community together and we affect each other. We share the earth, the air, the water, and every other resource necessary to live.

So, it is time for those of us who recall our lessons from kindergarten to restore the guard rails to curtail the behavior of the ignorant, the selfish, the power hungry, the greedy, the inconsiderate, the bullies, and especially the homicidal by A) refusing to vote for them B) calling them out publicly on social media C) refusing to support media platforms that amplify their voices and D) boycotting their products.

Am I endorsing what some have coined a “cancel culture”. I guess I am. And honestly, I’m inclined to believe that the trend toward labeling demands for reasonable social guard rails as “cancel culture” is a ploy by the clowns and bullies to silence their detractors so they can run rampant. The time to reclaim a civil and social society where we recognize that to some extent, we are in very practical terms, our brother’s keeper.

My mother passed away from breast cancer the year I turned thirty-five. We enjoyed a close and positive relationship and so it made sense that I assumed the blessing of caring for her in my home during her final weeks.  I am especially grateful that my mother and I had escaped the mother-daughter conflict so many experience. As adult mother and daughter, we spent nearly every day on the phone simply chatting.  We went on all day shopping trips.  She stayed with me for a week after the birth of each child and was my number one babysitter.  She was my sounding board and allowed me to be hers. She was my biggest supporter and I was hers. I realize now that our relationship was somewhat unique.  Since I’ve witnessed so many toxic mother-daughter relationships among people close to me, I thought sharing my story might reveal lessons I gleaned from my mother that helped me with my own daughters.

I should admit right off that my mother and I shared in the trauma caused by my alcoholic and violent father.  That experience made me especially protective of my mother because I feared losing her.  Those terrifying years made me grow up way too fast, taking on responsibility and an emotional support role that wasn’t healthy.  Probably, as a consequence of this shared trauma, I was never the rebellious, thrill-seeking teen and she was never the control freak. Despite our awful home life, she managed to provide me with healthy boundaries and high expectations, which I met.  So much so that when I graduated with my bachelor’s degree in business, I actually felt like I had fulfilled my last obligation as her child and I said so.

Soon afterward, I enrolled myself in a 12-Step program for adult children of alcoholics to help me understand my “perfectionist” tendencies and to free myself of my resentment toward my father, and to some extent toward my mother for being in an abusive relationship.  I wanted to understand why I wasn’t a risk-taker and why I was hyper-responsible and so unlike many of my friends. That program led to deep conversations with my parents wherein I was able to forgive my father and to understand my mother.  The person who gained the most freedom from the trauma was me.  I better understood human weakness, addiction, poor decision making, co-dependency, and the release that comes from forgiveness and letting go.  I truly believe that this 12-step process freed me to enjoy future relationships, not just with both my parents, but with others.  It even helped me maintain a positive relationship with my ex-husband so that our kids could enjoy a wholesome relationship with their dad post-divorce.  A therapist once said of the circumstances surrounding my divorce that I was too forgiving of human failures that hurt me, but I disagree.   Forgiveness is about freedom from emotional baggage that leads to destructive behaviors. It doesn’t dismiss accountability nor does it cause amnesia.

Because of that 12 Step program and my mother’s honesty, we transitioned smoothly from the parent-child relationship to true friendship.  She filled the role as my best friend, role model, mentor, and advisor until she fell ill.  However, I’m certain my mother worried about me until the day she died.  But she never allowed her worry to become a move to control me by undermining my self-confidence. I think this might be where so many of us mothers with daughters go wrong.  Instead of active listening and supporting, we try to continue directing the lives of our daughters through criticism, emotional manipulation, and the withholding approval and support.  I see it all the time and it damages the mother-daughter relationship. As social beings, the desire for approval never disappears and so I find that we mothers must remind our young adult daughters that their self-approval is far more important than ours.

I have two biological daughters that I raised and one step-daughter whom I did not raise. Like any good mother, I love them dearly and worry about them obsessively.  I want the best for them. I want them to be safe. I want them to succeed. I want them to be healthy. I want them to be confident, independent women. As a caring mom with more life experience, I want them to avoid the problems, pitfalls, and mistakes common to being human.  I also want the kind of positive mother-daughter relationship I enjoyed with my mother.  

To accomplish this, I first had to realize that my daughters are not me and that we did not share an early trauma where they felt a need to protect me and to be hyper-responsible.  I’m glad about that, but it did mean that our transition to friendship would be different from my mother’s and mine.  I set the same healthy boundaries and high expectations my mother set for me.  But what I didn’t realize until later is that my perfectionist tendencies, although never explicitly forced upon my daughters, were nevertheless perceived by them as my standard of approval.  

It took several years, particularly with my oldest daughter, to undo her perception of an expectation of perfection that I never had.  She “mistakenly” saw me as perfect.  In many heated discussions, I had to disabuse her of the notion that I was perfect and that I expected perfection from her.  I had to repeatedly insist that she didn’t need my approval, but her own. I came to realize that because of my grossly imperfect childhood, I strove to make a childhood for my children that was ideal.  To her, I was “perfect” and had created a “perfect” home and a “perfect” childhood for them.  So, the measure for my approval in her mind was perfection.  No wonder she was the perfect child!  Like me, she never rebelled and never engaged in thrill-seeking.  In fact, none of my children went through rebellion, but the younger two were greater risktakers.  Thankfully, they survived.

The point is that there is no such thing as a “perfect” mother.  Mothers are human and human beings have an affect on other human beings without ever trying to.  I’m convinced that every mother from the perspective of her daughter will need to be forgiven for something!  We need to accept this as a fact and be humble enough to either seek forgiveness or accept responsibility for the harm we caused so our daughters (and sons) are emotionally free. Trying to defend ourselves or denying our shortcomings (real or perceived) only harms the relationship, poisoning any hope for a healthy adult mother-daughter friendship. Today my daughters clearly see that I am only human and we can laugh about it.

I’m grateful that I have a wonderful relationship with all three daughters.  I believe that the key to our open and easy relationships is that like my mother, I resist the temptation to try to continue to parent them.  I worry, but don’t control.  I listen, provide advice when asked, and share my experiences. I ask questions.  When I go to far, they stop me. And I let them know when I’m worried that it is because I love them and want the best for them and not because I don’t trust them.  Mothers worry. That never ends. I treat them like the adults that they are and respect their decisions, keeping my mouth shut when I would make a different choice.  Like my mother, I dole out unconditional love and support and express my willingness to help them if they need it without any strings attached.  However, I prefer to provide loans if needed as opposed to charity because they are responsible adults and I want to avoid reverting to childhood dependency.

The mother-daughter relationship can be difficult.  I think mothers harm the relationship when they seek to control instead of support during the transition from childhood to adulthood.  I think daughters harm the relationship when they hold onto the past and fail to forgive the human failings of their mothers.  On both sides, open communication, forgiveness, trust, and mutual respect will improve or preserve a positive mother-daughter relationship.

At the sound of distress from the people I love, I tend to jump into action. That’s how I unexpectedly ended up in Lawrence, Kansas this week to care for my new grandson and his parents. As God or fate would have it, my son and his wife found themselves in a childcare bind that coincidentally matched a small window of cancer treatment break for my husband. The only thing I had to reschedule to hop on a plane was the colonoscopy I had been waiting for since February. But this was my opportunity to meet my new grandson while also solving a distressing problem for my son and his wife.

My nursing daughter-in-law has to spend a month in Kansas for work and so after the first week together in a hotel, my son flew back to Philadelphia to collect the dog and the nannie who flew in from Columbia and then drive them the 16 hours over two days to Kansas to reunite the entire family. I was needed to fill in the gap until my son arrived with the dog and the new nannie so my daughter-in-law could work.

I spent the first two days in the hotel room with my grandson, occasionally taking him for walks to the nearby Sprouts and Walmart for food and supplies. It was hot, so our trips were in the early morning after seeing mom off for the day. I was surprised that taking care of my 4 month old grandson was like riding a bike. I knew what to do, how to do it, and we get along famously. I bought him some toys, books, and introduced him to nursery rhymes and even my BTS music. He’s a very social baby, a classic extrovert which I find to be a bit tiring. But great love and empathy is getting me through.

Friday night, we moved into an AirbnB house my son pre-arranged before he left. There were only two housing choices that would allow the dog. And the polite way of expressing my dismay at this old house is to say that I’m unimpressed. Everything is old and in need of updating. But to it’s credit, the place is clean, has central air and WiFi which makes it bearable. While I refuse to complain, I’m determined to make this place comfortable for everyone. I’ve stayed at a lot of rental houses over the years for vacations or retreats and none have been as ill-equipped as this one. Had I known it was going to be missing so many basics, I would have shopped differently in Walmart during my one chance before my son arrives.

It was while making dinner that I began to notice things. There was no salt and pepper. There were no serving bowls. There was no aluminum foil or plastic wrap, and most importantly, there was no table. In fact, there were no table surfaces in the entire house. I checked all the closets to see if there was a folding table or TV trays. Nothing. So, we sat in the master bedroom on the only two chairs in the entire house and ate with the plates on our laps. The living room has two sofas and a TV resting atop an old headboard.

I realized that the situation without tables was not going to work. My son has to work from here for the next three weeks. They will need a table to write, to set laptops on, and to eat. I need a table and chair from which to practice my calligraphy properly.

Thankfully, my son is a pretty good negotiator and had no qualms about asking the owner to pay for a set of four TV tables that can stay and be used by subsequent guests. The owner agreed. However, my frugal son was adamant that he didn’t want to purchase items that he would have to leave here.

I guess this is where we differ. I had already decided that if needed I would purchase the TV tables, the aluminum foil, the plastic wrap, a serving platter, baking sheet and salt and pepper and just “gift” them to the house after my family enjoyed them for the rest of the month.

I value caring for my loved ones using the resources I have available to meet comfortable standards. My son and his wife are Peace Corp alumni so they are more comfortable getting by on less. And honestly, my son has been conservative with his money his entire life, so I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m about to spend my money to make this place more livable for them after I return home on Tuesday. Having the money and deciding how to use it is a value judgement. I’m just thankful to be the position to even have this choice. My son will benefit and so will future guests.

My hope is that this experience turns into a life lesson for my son. I want him to consider how it is also a good thing to provide “financial” blessings beyond just your loved ones when you have the financial resources to do so. In this world today, we need more people who are willing when able to care for others.

After I became fully vaccinated, I never took off my mask in public places. Instead I purchased masks from Amazon that clearly indicated that I was vaccinated for a few reasons. First, I needed to protect my husband who is medically compromised so I wanted to mitigate my exposure. Second, I wanted to encourage others to also get vaccinated, particularly other African Americans like myself because we have low vaccination rates in my county. And finally, I wanted to ensure people didn’t mistake me for an anti-vaccine person because I was still wearing a mask. Until this week, I hadn’t viewed my desire to protect the common welfare as a pro-social act. But it is. As an introvert, I’m no social butterfly like my daughters. I used to think anti-social behavior was about avoiding social gatherings and I didn’t like that about myself. But now I realize that this is only one meaning of the word. I learned that the meaning of anti-social behavior has a whole other definition.

Events of this week highlighted the destructive, yet obstinate behavior of some people. In light of the new Delta variant, mask restrictions for indoor activities became necessary again and a stronger push for vaccines became evident. But some people are displaying their anti-social dispositions by filing lawsuits against mask mandates in schools, mounting protests against restrictions, acting out on flights, and even refusing to wear masks indoors or to get vaccinated. Even in my local Target, I saw individuals without masks this week with looks of defiance on their faces. To me, people like this display the same selfishness, lack of morality, and lack of social responsibility as criminals who vandalize, scam, steal, rape, and murder anyone in their path. I looked for a definition for the kind of behavior I was seeing and I came up with “anti-social”. To my surprise, that word hit the mark.

The summary of multiple dictionary definitions for the other meaning of anti-social is: acting in a way that is detrimental to society. It seems that we have a growing number of individuals among us who can accurately be described as “anti-social”. Some are our neighbors, family members, television and radio commentators, and Republican House members like Marjorie Taylor-Green (Georgia), Jim Jordan (Ohio) and Matt Gaetz (Florida). Senator Rand Paul (Kentucky) can be labeled as anti-social for his dangerous rhetoric. And of course Florida Governor Ron Desantis is in this category because of his homicidal policies, outlawing mask mandates. Bullies and purveyors of false information who use television and social media platforms to spread their garbage are anti-social people. And the consequences of these anti-social individuals not only destroys our notion of common decency and safe communities, but the consequences are deadly.

So, what to do? A member of one of my Facebook groups who identified as an older man asked what we should do about people who make rude and nasty comments about others. Some said to ignore them and to model better behavior. Others said it’s not worth raging at them. I thought about it. The answer cannot simply be to pretend like these anti-social people do not exist. I think it makes them act even more outrageously because they are seeking attention and to these people, silence is consent. So they will do whatever they want to get what they want whether it is money, fame, or to feed a destructive addiction unless they are stopped. The problem is that anti-social people become louder and more obnoxious in their behavior if they face little to no consequences for their actions. And we face bigger problems when young people see anti-social people get away with their destructive antics. They feel increasingly unsafe and the few anti-social among them will think it is okay to behave that way. We have seen this first hand.

It should come as no surprise to us that when the media gave Trump a platform to spew lies, bully his opponents, hurl insults, and promote false narratives, others have followed. We now have an epidemic of anti-social behavior alongside a growing mental health crisis and out of control violence. It is time to restore our social contract that we learned in kindergarten. That contract included common decency, courtesy, mutual respect and consideration for others.

I think in our families, work places, social media circles, friendship circles, political lives, and media choices, we must insist on pro-social behaviors that will not destroy the fabric of our general welfare. I don’t think we can afford to ignore those who make destructive comments, who refuse to wear protective masks and get vaccinated, and who knowingly spread false information. Nor can we afford to de-fund the police and release violent criminals from prison early. The kid gloves of the greater society need to come off and consequences have to be doled out to anti-social individuals. House members who make false and offensive statements should be fined and censored. Airline passengers who refuse mask mandates or fight with flight attendants should be fined and banned from future flights. Rude comments on social media should be tagged as rude and unacceptable by “friends” and spreaders of false information should be sued when they cause harm to others who followed their lies. Communities need to ban together to rid themselves of the thieves, bullies, and violent criminals among them. And sometimes that means mothers need to do what is right for society when their sons do wrong.

We’re living in the society we collectively shaped. Personally, I hate what I’m seeing and I want to change it. Biden was right when he said this is a battle for the soul of America. After electing an anti-social president, our society is suffering the consequences of those four years. I’m hopeful that there are more people who are pro-social than anti-social and that we pro-social folks will become more forceful in our insistence on building a stronger and better society that promotes the general welfare.

As a human among other humans, I’ve always felt personally responsible for how good or bad things are in my community. And with that heartfelt conviction, I’ve dedicated time, finances, and energy to actively taking part to make things better. From an early age, I hated four things in particular: violence, needless human suffering, injustice, and eye sores.

I am thankful to have had a mother who convinced the eleven year old me that my thoughts, words, and actions mattered. My mother encouraged, empowered and enabled me to follow my passions in service to people. I have my church members to thank for allowing the pre-teen me to recite original poetry, share opinions, sing in the choir, and to write plays to be performed. I have my teachers to thank for supporting my school improvement projects that began in junior high and extended throughout high school. I have my work colleagues to thank for helping me launch a non-profit to help African American parents understand how to prepare their children for higher education. I have my sorority to thank for its ongoing mission to serve all mankind. I have my professors to thank for providing me with a love of learning, critical thinking skills, research skills, and strategic planning skills. And I have my husband and children to thank for allowing me to spread myself beyond the four walls of our home all these years.

I’ve come to appreciate the importance of our individual and collective efforts as citizens. I also came to understand the heartbreaking reality that we must fight as individuals and collectively for what is good. It was a difficult lesson to learn that there are other humans who strive to maintain the status quo because they either benefit from it or they genuinely fear change. Over the years, I’ve encountered the ignorant, the lazy, the fearful, the stubborn, and the downright evil human obstacles who stand in the way of improvement. These people convinced me of the strength in numbers approach. I came to understand that the power of one person, one leader, one voice, one example lies in the ability to influence others to join in the actions that will make a difference. But I also know that change begins within each individual. So, I’m a huge fan of Michael Jackson’s song, “Man in the mirror”. In the song, he sings, “I’m starting with the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways. And no message could’ve been any clearer. If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make a change.” That’s the starting point, but then you have to rally likeminded troops.

I want to make the world a better place! As I’ve been looking in the mirror these first weeks of retirement, I see changes I can make. The first is how I respond to people on social media. I’ve begun to make it a point weigh in a bit more, to affirm people more, share my experience with those facing difficulty, and to offer my perspective on issues of public importance such as dealing with this pandemic, white supremacy, and voting rights. Each morning, I’m taking a few minutes to engage. I want to do what my mother did for me by using my voice. So, I will encourage, empower and possibly enable likeminded citizens to improve their lives and the community.

The second change is my relationship with the environment. I’m trying to be even more conscience of my use of resources by turning off lights, recycling, saving water, limiting my beef consumption, and going paperless. I purchased a new iPad and an Apple pen to use with the $7.99 Goodnotes 5 app to eliminate my usual yellow pads and notebooks I’ve used for years. I already drive a Hybrid and combine errands. I share all this to encourage the changes we all need to make. However, I can and should do even more.

Beyond paying taxes, which I believe is a very basic responsibility of every citizen in order to support the common good, I revisited my charitable giving to ensure that the charities I contribute to are still in line with my values. In addition, I’m deciding right now whether to contribute to specific candidates or to the Democratic Party or perhaps to both. I’m happy to contribute to help ensure we get political leaders who are ethical, knowledgeable, strategic, and caring. Right now we have many political leaders who need to be replaced.

And finally, I will continue to write to elected officials and to vote in every election, both local and national elections. Elections have huge consequences and if we are not careful, we will wake up to greater human rights abuses, worsening public health, economic downturns, falling bridges, and environmental chaos in our country. In the coming months it will be important to fight for continued access to the ballot for every American and I will do my part to help ensure people are able to vote. At this point I’m uncertain what will be required of me, but as a person who cares deeply about justice and the environment, I will do what is necessary.

Our community belongs to us collectively and I’m happy to say that I haven’t changed my conviction that I have a part to play as an individual and together with others to have a positive impact on it. When I look in the mirror as a retired educator, I still see where the change has to start. And that is with me.

The philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche reportedly said, “That which does not kill us, makes us stronger”. When it comes to being an African American, I’ve often wondered if the many adversities we have faced beginning with surviving the middle passage from Africa to the U.S. in chains, naked, in unsanitary conditions, in the belly of a ship and then enduring slavery, Jim Crowe, lynching, segregation, a civil rights movement, and continuing covert discrimination have made those of us who have survived stronger than many are comfortable with.

I know as a young girl, my mother often reminded me that I had to be better and do better to receive half the recognition. And so I took what intellect and talent I had and worked it. It’s no wonder that at age 16, the doctor said my blood pressure was too high due to stress. I didn’t slow down, but found ways to work smarter. I’m no longer reluctant to admit that I was identified by the state as an intellectually gifted person, but I am sad that I have had to prove my intellect countless times and in multiple settings throughout the years. There was always the assumption that because of my skin color, I was less than I am. I’ve never taken pleasure in proving white people wrong because I recognize that most of those same white individuals will never grant me the status, recognition, or promotion that is warranted. And when the recognition is given, others oppose it, resent it, or minimize it. That has been my lifelong experience but I suppose not being beaten or hanged for displaying intellectual ability is progress.

As a nation, we’ve watched black athletes come to dominate in many sports when access is granted. Who would have guessed just twenty years ago that the best female gymnast of all time would be a black girl named Simone Biles? However, with the rising fame of black talent, we also witnessed the death threats to men like Jackie Robinson and Tiger Woods and the insults hurled at Venus and Serena Williams. White violent backlash to black excellence and prosperity has been the norm among insecure white folks. And our judicial system has turned a blind eye to it. I argue that our nation is not better for it. Today, we see the overly harsh and unfair treatment of sprinter Sha Carri Richardson that will prevent the fastest woman in the world from competing in the 2021 Olympics to bring home the gold for America.

The backlash to black excellence was again apparent with the ascendancy of Michelle and President Obama to the White House. As black athletes, entertainers, intellectuals, business people, and political leaders display their excellence, a few white people grow increasingly intimidated and insecure. They’re too insecure and fragile to face the history of racial discrimination evidenced by the 1619 Project or Critical Race Theory. I wonder how these folks handled the news that Zaila Avant-garde is the first black girl to win the Scripps National Spelling Bee in its nearly 100 year history? Do they stop to think that their white supremacist ancestors only have themselves to blame for this growing display of black excellence?

Given the historical mistreatment of black Americans, the survivors of such harsh treatment have no choice but to evolve to be more intelligent, creative, talented, energetic and resilient. According to evolution, only the fittest survive. And we are still evolving. With continued discrimination in nearly every aspect of American life, the least fit among us continue to die from poverty related ailments such as street violence, environmental hazards, poor diets, stress, lacking healthcare, and now COVID-19. Only the luckiest and most fit black people are surviving and their very public ascendancy poses a threat to the notion of white supremacy. Perhaps this is why too many white people chose racist strong man, Donald Trump, to lead them.

These insecure white supremacist know that in terms of character, grace, intelligence, and integrity that Donald J. Trump can’t hold a candle to Barack Obama. And yet, they embraced the morally and intellectually inferior white guy because they believe he will protect their tenuous position of economic and political power. These white bigots are afraid of black excellence and they are even more afraid of Jewish excellence. Could it be that adversity has also made Jewish people stronger and brought out the creativity, the talent, the drive, and the business acumen that threatens to unseat these white supremacists?

In reality, white supremacists are a threat to the nation’s progress because they are not interested in helping the best and the brightest to succeed and represent the best of us. They are more interested in maintaining a false narrative of white superiority where they maintain power, privilege and economic advantage. They are afraid that if they must compete on a level playing field, they will ultimately loose. And for too many of them, their ego can’t abide such a defeat. They were never groomed to compete, having been handed every invisible advantage from the birth of the nation. As they are confronted with the truth that their manifest destiny was a lie, they are having a very public temper tantrum.

So, we watch in horror and disbelief as they take up arms, march through the streets with Tiki torches, mount an insurrection at the nation’s Capitol and now try to suppress the vote in the next election. Mitch McConnell and other Republican leaders saw the writing on the walls and took over the courts during the Trump administration. And now they desperately want to win the 2022 and 2024 elections by any means necessary. This includes keeping fair-minded citizens from voting. Their ultimate goal is to maintain power and to limit the progress of others. Frankly, I wouldn’t put it past them to take up arms if necessary to preserve their power. Scared people do scary things.

At this moment, the number one job of truly patriotic Americans is to make sure we vote and that every fair-minded American we know is willing and able to cast a ballot in 2022 and 2024. Beyond that, I’m a bit fearful of what comes next. I hope it is a battle for the hearts and minds of white supremacists and not a battle for the right of black and Jewish people to exist.

On day two of my retirement, I tearfully cancelled my flight to Philadelphia to spend three weeks with my new grandson. It was a sad but easy decision as soon as we got the bad news that my husband’s lung cancer has recurred and has spread to his lymph nodes. The doctors plan to treat the cancer aggressively meaning another possible surgery, followed by chemotherapy and radiation. His first appointment is this Tuesday, the same day of the scheduled flight.

I struggled to wrap my head around this huge change in mindset and plans. We never fully recovered from the recent cancer battle and we are about to embark on a more rigorous fight. I find that I process better when my hands are busy, so I spent the day returning my dining room to its pre-pandemic space–not the work space I used it for the last 15 months since COVID-19 sent us all home to work, but an actual dining room. I did a lot of gardening. I cleaned the guest room. And finally, I just sat in my backyard and starred at the flowers and trees, allowing my mind to just wander.

I admit that I am afraid. I also know that this time I must approach this battle differently if I want to maintain my own health while supporting and caring for my husband. I’m aware of an unhealthy pattern I’ve developed when I am in the midst of a cancer battle wherein I focus on the battle at hand and force my anxiety and fears aside. But I’ve learned the hard way that my body absorbs the anxiety and fear that my conscience mind refuses to entertain, resulting in health issues. I’ve traveled the cancer road first with my mother, who eventually died of breast cancer when I was 35. I traveled the cancer road when my husband survived colon cancer about 15 years ago. And then we thought he had defeated this past year’s bout of lung cancer, but it has recurred.

This time I will allow myself to feel the fear. This time I will nurture myself by nurturing my garden. This time I will exercise through it daily. This time I will not allow comfort food to be my primary source of comfort. I will lean more heavily on mediation, prayer, conversations with family and friends, music, and if necessary, I will engage the help of a therapist.

This isn’t how I planned to spend the first months of my retirement, but life is like that. So, when life changes, our best laid plans change, too. I covet the positive thoughts and prayers of my readers as we venture once again into battle against cancer.

I’ve been an observer of human behavior my entire life. At one point in high school after taking two psychology classes, I thought I might want to become a psychologist. Thankfully, I was able to shadow an actual psychologist for a day and that experience completely erased that notion from my mind. I couldn’t fathom listening to people’s emotional traumas and mental health issues all day. However, I am extremely grateful for those individuals who feel called to do this important work and who have the training and emotional capacity to do it well. I’ve even visited them on several occasions to help me deal with particularly difficult times in my life. I found that their empathetic probing and great listening skills were life savers. Seeing a good therapist to help navigate difficult life situations can steer us away from our base killer instincts. I’ve recommended therapy to family members and my students over the years. Those who followed my advice were helped and I wonder how many actual lives are saved by investing in therapy as opposed to guns.

I don’t have a chronic mental health struggle like some, but I am human and so strong emotions can be triggered. I believe there are people with chronic anti-social mindsets. Whether their issue stems from nature or nurture or a combination of both is not the issue. The issue is making therapy much more accessible early on to help these individuals curb their own impulses before they self-destruct or destroy others. Our former president, Donald J. Trump was one of those individuals whose mental health issues have caused and continue to cause great damage to our nation and to individual lives. His pathologies were so obviously dangerous that psychologists broke their own code of ethics to warn the public by exposing the anti-social tendencies they saw. His niece, who is a psychologist, wrote a book about his need to win and his sociopathic mindset. Without apology, she announced that he is not only unfit, but dangerous as a president. For the sake of society, parents, family, teachers, pastors, doctors, and friends need to recommend therapy more often when people around them are struggling.

The times when seeing a therapist meant the most to me were during instances when I recognized that my anger at being unfairly treated could lead to destructive behavior if allowed to fester. There are times when talking things out with a friend. pastor, teacher, or family member is enough, but there are other times when the hurt, frustration, and anger are so overwhelming that one could potentially inflict permanent damage on oneself or others. I acknowledge that in those times, a therapist was able to stand between me and my killer instincts. Thankfully, I didn’t have access to a gun to commit murder, but I recognized that my words can be a pretty lethal weapon too.

The first time I went to therapy was to deal with loss. In the span of a few years, I lost both of my parents and then endured a surprise divorce stemming from my ex-husband’s infidelity. I was so hurt by the betrayal that rage was bubbling up inside me. Not only was I a mother bear wanting to protect her cubs from yet another loss, but I was a woman scorned and tossed aside. Therapy helped me connect with my better angels so that I could continue to be a good mother and regain my worth as a woman. I regained my self-esteem and learned that while I cannot control the bad behavior of others, I can control how I respond to that behavior in a way that preserves life, dignity, and healthy boundaries. Therapy gave me the strength not to transfer my anger towards their father onto to my children, but to use it to build an even better life for myself and them. That it what I did. I also came to understand that despite everything, I really wanted my children to retain a good relationship with their father and that I had the power to explicitly give them that permission. The therapist helped me listen to my heart and my rational mind so that I wasn’t so overwhelmed by my killer instincts that I burned the whole house down, destroying all of us in the process.

The second time I spent time in therapy had to do with being falsely accused at work by a superior and suffering the consequences of those false accusations. It was through therapy that I was able to deal with my emotions and develop a course of action that preserved my dignity, integrity, and didn’t get me fired because I loved my job. Therapy helped me come to terms with the reality that the perpetrators might go unpunished and how I could turn my current lemons into lemonade. The skilled therapist pulls the answers out of the client by asking the right questions and actively listening. The answer to overcoming our killer instincts is good therapy. I understand the rage of individuals who take a gun to their former workplace and kill everyone in sight. I truly believe that people around the murderer knew he was struggling but failed to get him to a good therapist.

Too many people in our nation right now are acting on their killer instincts. They are scared, angry, and frustrated by injustice, afraid of change and a fear of losing what they wrongly believe is theirs. Without receiving help from family, friends, teachers, pastors, or a therapist, we will see a continuation of the mass shootings, the riots, and the ridiculously hurtful twitter comments. These days it is more important than ever that we intervene when we start see our family members or friends start to stray from normal levels of fear, outrage, or frustration. Rage is plaguing our nation.

We must be honest with ourselves that our society has a problem with allowing self-promoting, money-grubbing, fear-mongers like Donald Trump, Tucker Carson, and Matt Gaetz to stoke the flames with lies to purposefully enrage otherwise stable people. They encourage greater access to guns as protection from imaginary enemies. They need to be stopped if we are going to have a society where we can live normally and have some degree of certainty that we can go to the store, to work, to church, to school, or the movies without fear of gun violence.

We can stop Tucker Carson and Donald Trump by calling them out, removing their platform, or simply not supporting them. The Capitol insurrection showed us that any human being can be pushed to act violently. There is an instinctual violence built into us for self-preservation. But what if the enemy isn’t even real? Again, our country has a burgeoning violence problem because we have a burgeoning rage problem. If we don’t stop fanning the fames by continue to allow injustice, white supremacy, and the voices of liars to prevail, the killer instincts will overwhelm our rational minds and we’ll all be prisoners in our homes because of new pandemic: violence in the streets.

As I prepare to retire this week, I hope there are many young people with the desire and the capacity to become psychologists and therapists because they are needed more than ever to help calm our rage, channel our passions, and deal with underlying mental health issues where present.

I’ve been celebrating Juneteenth in Oxnard, California for many years. It is a recognition of the end of slavery for those slaves in Texas who didn’t hear about the Emancipation Proclamation until 2 1/2 years later. Flash forward to Thursday, June 17, 2021 when, amid much fanfare, President Biden signs the bill proclaiming the date June 19th a federal holiday. Of course, more than a few Republican lawmakers opposed the bill, but thankfully they are in the minority. The same minority that promotes the big lie about a stolen 2020 election and the same folks who now want to ban the teaching of Critical Race Theory (CRT). I doubt that they’ve taken the time to understand what it is and even if they did, I believe they aren’t genuine in their opposition to it. But enough white moms are crying that their children are feeling guilty about being white after learning that in this country people who look like them have been afforded some advantages because of their white skin that others did not get because of their darker skin color. The truth is threatening.

I first encountered CRT when I was doing the literature review for my doctoral dissertation at UCLA. It was rooted in legal studies and analyzed the role race played in the policies and practices of American society as it related to the opportunities of racial minorities, in particular black people in the U.S. That said, we all know that the only way to fix a problem is to acknowledge that there is a problem. However, systemic racism is not a problem many on the right want to fix for selfish reasons.

If white Americans are honest with themselves, they will acknowledge that the system of slavery followed by Jim Crow, segregation, housing red lining, and desperate treatment of blacks in education, healthcare, banking, and the criminal justice system have hindered the progress of the majority of black Americans while at the same time benefiting white Americans. The system works well for people who believe in a zero-sum socio-economic game. It goes like this: If I give you fewer opportunities to succeed, then that gives me more. But for that system to continue operating, it must remain hidden because most humans also recognize and truly hate unfairness.

This racist system is a deluded way to think. Instead of wanting to support and utilize the gifts, talents, and ingenuity of the entire populace to benefit the nation, fragile white supremacist are fearful of being exposed as being on the same human level as blacks. For years, white people were brainwashed to believe in their inherent superiority based solely on the color of their skin. And now, they are witnessing the truth with their own eyes. This fear has always lead to violence. We saw it in the lynching of Blacks who dared to display their equality and we saw it in the burning of Black Wall Street. We saw it in the death threats to Jackie Robinson, Tiger Woods, and every other black American who succeeded in ways that threatened the notion of white superiority. And having the first Black president who excluded grace and intelligence seemed to drive the point home.

I’ve said it many times: humans are tribal at our core. I admit to feeling proud when I see a black person excel. But I am also thrilled on an intellectual level because I understand the additional obstacles that person had to overcome to succeed. For example, for all of post-slavery history, blacks were systematically denied the benefit of accumulating generational wealth through unfair housing, banking, job, and even insurance practices. Despite serving in wars, for many years they were often denied access to veteran benefits like the GI Bill that provided jobs, education grants to college, and housing loans. These benefits were conferred easily on white male veterans, giving them a huge head start while leaving black veterans behind to struggle.

Structural systems like that added roadblocks to black Americans but gave easy access to whites in almost every facet of American life. This is what Critical Race Theory addresses. It is evident that white politicians do not want to expose the hidden practices of discrimination that limit the upward mobility of black Americans. They prefer to keep them hidden to perpetuate the lie of a meritocracy that helps whites to succeed while continuing to believe in their superiority.

I encountered this myth with my white university students who honestly believed that black people in poverty only had themselves to blame for their poverty because they were too lazy to work. They believed everyone had been given the same opportunities as they had growing up. They believed so many blacks were in jail because they committed crimes and deserved to be there. They were unaware of the disparities in K-12 education, in targeted policing, in inequitable judicial sentencing, in housing, in job choices, and in access to capital to build businesses. Exposure to the reality of American’s racist and discriminatory history changed their viewpoint and they in turn became advocates for change. It was helpful to show them undercover news reporting that exposed how blacks even paid more for the same cars than whites. It took them seeing that the schools in black neighborhoods had far fewer basic resources than they took for granted for them to appreciate the reality of inequity.

It is important to note that I always assured my white students that while they benefited from this system, they were not to blame for it, and most importantly, they could be part of building a more inclusive and equitable country moving forward.

Critical Race Theory exposes the myth of the level playing field and that is why white Republicans want so desperately to outlaw it. They want to preserve the past in present discrimination that hampers the progress of blacks. And to do this, they understand that they must suppress their vote and the votes of educated young people who want a more just and fair society. Republicans want to continue to claim that everyone has an equal opportunity, while hiding the decades of obstacles that hinder blacks from taking advantage of opportunities. They point to the few exceptional blacks who have made it as an excuse to proclaim that America is indeed the land of opportunity if people are willing to work hard enough. Of course, they leave out the part where some people have to work exceptionally harder than others and be exceptionally more talented, creative, intelligent or lucky.

This is how past in present discrimination looks. An employer sets a minimum standard that applicants must type 50 words per minute to be eligible for the job. Sounds fair except for the fact that the blacks in the employment pool didn’t attend a school that had computers. In this country under-resourced schools in black areas is the norm. The school to prison pipeline is a very real reality because lawmakers do not want to acknowledge the underlying inequities that CRT exposes. The tragic disparities in COVID-19 deaths between blacks and whites is yet another example of how past disparities in diet, environmental pollution, and access to health care lead to pre-existing conditions among blacks that made them more likely to die from COVID-19. CRT exposes the history and current reality around these inequities.

I believe Jesus said it best, “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free”. Juneteenth is a celebration of the truth reaching the slaves in Texas, freeing them. Critical Race Theory is just an attempt to expose the truth of our nation’s racist history so that people of goodwill can work to set things right. After all, our nation was founded on the principle that all men are created equal and should be afforded equal opportunities under the law. If we have lawmakers who oppose this basic value, they shouldn’t be lawmakers. Of course, this is why we must protect access to voting. If we lose the ability to vote, the lies will only continue and fewer of us will be free.