Author: tonihall805@outlook.com

As human beings we decide where to spend our time, energy, and talent. Someone once told to me that how a person spends their time determines where their passion truly lies. In a conversation with my son Saturday morning, I realized that I am passionate about justice for myself and others. Against his advice to just pay a fraudulent $500 charge and quietly change banks, I explained that I would not do that because I had a moral obligation to others who are likely victims of the same kind of scam. I explained how I felt driven to do what I can to expose and end the harmful and immoral big bank practice.

I’ve been in this position before, fighting for what I believe is fair and just for myself and others. While I don’t always win, I at least make the perpetrators aware of the harm and injustice they are inflicting on me or others. Maybe the individual or institution changes their practices as a result of the pain I attempt to inflict. At the very least, that is my intention. I don’t necessarily disagree with the cancel culture approach my son advocated by advising me to just change banks. That seemed too easy and doesn’t actually get to the root of the problem if I don’t first try to get them to change. Sometimes, we need to pick a fight to root out injustice. The Selma Bus Boycott was an example of a strategically brilliant fight that attacked the root of a systemic problem.

And I am all about getting to the root of systemic problems. It’s like cutting off the top of a weed, but leaving the root in place for it to simply grow back. So, with this bank situation, I spent time digging deeper, talking to the next person up the chain until it became evident that I needed to file a formal complaint with the Federal Consumer Protection Bureau against the bank because their practice was harmful and unfair to not just me, but to others and actually benefitted the bank at the consumer’s expense. I filed the complaint and I also wrote a letter to the bank detailing my experience, how I wanted them to fix it, and provided a copy of the complaint I filed with the government. I’m not sure if I’ll win, but that really isn’t the point.

When I think about the times I entered these fights, I have never regretted the time, energy nor my talent for persuasion when dedicated to the effort to pursue justice. I once sued my own attorney for mishandling a lawsuit and won against him. I’ve gone before judges to pursue justice on that and several other occasions and won. I once enlisted the assistance of my congressman for help on an issue and got it resolved. But there were plenty of other times when I exposed a wrong, but the perpetrator never apologized. In these cases, I have faith that the perpetrator does not get away unscathed because their misdeed has been exposed, their reputation ruined, and perhaps they have had to spend their precious time and treasure defending their actions or repairing their reputation. And hopefully, they change their behavior moving forward.

I believe we are collectively watching this play out in the police murder trial of George Floyd. What the officer did was criminal and whether or not he is convicted, he has not gotten away with his action unscathed. Everyone knows who he is and what he has done. Whether or not he serves prison time for his inhumanity toward George Floyd and black Americans, his name and his face and his reputation will serve as a reminder to all police departments across the country to be better and to do better. The fact that the Floyd family received a settlement for millions of dollars from the wrongful death suit is also important in the pursuit of justice. That kind of financial pain to a city drives change too.

In my heart and mind, the fight for justice is always worth the time, energy, and talent.

Today is Resurrection Sunday, also known as Easter. So, I’ve been thinking a lot about my beliefs about the meaning of Christ’ resurrection and how it relates to what I believe about the human makeup of body, soul, and Spirit. I might describe it like this, I am an eternal soul, energized by the Spirit of God, and housed in a temporary body made of earth and star dust.

The week before my grandson was born, my youngest daughter expressed her curiosity as to what kind of soul was going to be dropped into his body. I laughed and said that I wondered about the same thing. It seems that humans spend an entire lifetime trying to know, accept, or reinvent themselves. I think what we are really trying to do is reconcile our brains (intellect) with our soul (preferences and personality) with the Spirit (God consciousness). But what my daughter was really curious about was the ultimate nature of my grandson’s basic essence or the core of his preferences and personality. Was he going to be a warm, generous, loving soul or a difficult one? So far, having finally been released from the hospital, he seems to be a determined yet mild-mannered little guy, preserving his fussiness to express his hunger. When I finally get to see him in person this summer, I know that I’ll likely make a judgement as to whether or not he is an old soul because on some level I do believe in reincarnation.

I am a Christian, a follower of Christ, but when it comes to the definition and role of the body, soul, and Spirit to our human existence, I am also influenced by the teachings of other religions as well as my own lived experiences. I believe in the cloud of witnesses, in heaven, and in hell as the separation of the soul from the Spirit. But I also believe in multiple chances for the soul to return to earth to perhaps “get it right”.

Anyone who has spent time with me knows that I view the human body as a tent, a house, or a shell that is knit together in the womb to one day house the soul and Spirit. I view the soul as our individual essence and the Spirit as the life force of God (silent until invited). I believe both to be eternal and inseparable until the final day of judgment. The body is an incredible house comprised of the genetic material that gives us the physical and mental attributes of generations past. I don’t care about skin color or nationality or ethnicity or culture beyond how humans treat each other because of these superficial attributes. I view the brain as a vital part of the body that is shaped by genetics, experience, and environment (nurture & nature). The brain’s interaction with the soul often leads to internal conflict over right and wrong. I believe this conflict takes place in the center of activity called the mind or heart (not the physical organ). When only the brain and soul are active in the mind/heart, I call this a “carnal mind”. On those occasions when both the brain and the soul are mired in negativity, we witness human depravity at its worst.

As I mentioned before, I believe at the center of each human is the mind or heart where the brain, soul, and if permitted, the Spirt interact. To be lead by the Spirit is to be in touch with God and to do and behave in ways that sometimes defy human expectations. Prayer, mediation, and quiet help us connect to and hear the Spirit. Some people think of the Spirit as a still small voice, intuition, or a gut feeling about something. I believe that the brain and soul while valuable, are flawed and should be in brought into submission to the Spirit. Because the brain is easily influenced by outside factors like food, drugs, experiences, and environmental pollution and the soul has been in a fallen state since Adam, we are in need of redemption. As a Christian, I believe Jesus was that redemption. Others may have another path to redemption. But I believe it is the forgiveness of my soul and my willingness to open up that allows the Spirit to become active in my mind, ultimately transforming my soul. For me, this is what it means to be born again. This is what it means to have a renewed mind. And I believe the Bible verse that says that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). The word fruit refers to an outcome or tangible result.

If the relationship between the body, soul and Spirit sounds complicated, that’s because it is. And I honestly don’t even know what is completely true. I do know that I have personally had out of body experiences. I do know that I interacted with my mother and a few others after they died. I also know that sometimes I do things that appear miraculous because I followed the voice of the Spirit and not my logical brain nor my soulish cravings.

I watch a lot of Korean dramas and they seem to really believe in things like fate, reincarnation, angels, and ghosts. I have to ask myself if the story of Jesus meeting with Moses and Elijah was Him meeting with ghosts? I have to ask myself if children who seem extraordinarily wise, talented, or gifted for their young age are not reincarnated? I have to ask myself if my out of body experience in the dentist’s office watching the dentist revive me from an accidental overdose of nitric oxide from the upper corner of the room is proof enough for me of the soul’s independence of the body? Or if hearing my deceased mother’s voice literally directing me to her missing will, which I found in the most unlikely place at her specific direction is enough? I have to wonder if there were times when I narrowly escaped disaster if an angel came to my aide?

I allow the still small voice to guide me as much as possible because it has proven itself to be far more accurate, far more compassionate, and far more insightful than my brain and soul. It gives me the energy to forgive, to be humble, to be brave, and to be patient. I feel the loving energy of the Spirit within me and others have felt it coming from me. I’m grateful that my ancestors gifted me with a strong brain and that perhaps fate granted this body with a kind soul that isn’t overly mired with evil desires that greatly conflict with the teachings of Christ. I know for others, this is not the case and that it is much harder to live life as a decent human being without the power or energy of the Spirit.

So, on this Resurrection Sunday, I am thankful to Jesus for the gift of redemption that can be freely received by anyone. This redemption makes it possible for the Spirit who resides in my mind/heart to actively influence my daily life. And this redemption gives me the confidence that my soul can leave this earth one day to join that cloud of witnesses waiting for the final day of judgment. Happy Resurrection Day.

If the definition of oppression is about being unjustly subjected to unfair treatment or control, then what we are collectively witnessing across the country with regards to treatment of people of color by Republican state and federal legislators is oppression. It feels like Republican legislators aren’t listening to us and weirdly, they are working hard to ensure that we can’t get rid of them. They want to continue to impose their anti-public health, anti-environment, anti-science, and anti-social safety net agenda upon the majority of Americans. The events of this past week highlight the depth of their depravity.

While offering thoughts and prayers to hurting victims of gun violence, weather related events, or COVID-19 is the right thing to do, it is not nearly enough. Thoughts and prayers do not address the root of the problems nor do they provide reasonable solutions. At the center of my frustration are Republican Senators Ted Cruise, Mitch McConnel, and Rand Paul as well as a handful of Republican governors. Their cruelty and tone-deafness are an affront to my ears and have dire consequences for many. Their collective behavior is even more deplorable because they are not ignorant of the facts nor the suffering, but they continue to act counter to the best interest of Americans in spite of this knowledge. Their desire to hold onto power at the expense of screwing the majority of Americans in the process is mind boggling. They show by their words and actions that they will say anything and do anything to maintain the hegemony of wealthy white people and corporations.

At this very moment, these men and those in their party are acting to limit access to voting and to block any attempts at gun control. They want to continue to help the rich get richer while stepping on the necks of poor people and people of color. They stand between every reasonable public health measure like wearing masks, background checks for gun purchases, keeping automatic weapons off our streets, reasonable immigration policies, environmental protections, economic safety nets, and affordable healthcare. It is no surprise that not a single one of them voted for the American Recovery Act. And yet, their priority is to control the body of every American woman, protect the 2nd Amendment, appoint judges, and to give unneeded tax breaks to wealthy individuals and corporations.

I often ask myself why Republicans are so against voter access, reasonable gun laws, public health measures, raising the minimum wage, immigration reform, and protecting the environment and I repeatedly come up with the same reason. They want to maintain white supremacy and white majorities. They want to keep white people in the U.S. at the top of the economic and power food chain even if a handful of white people are also hurt in the process. And the best way to do maintain power is to block all legislation limits white people’s access to guns while killing a person of color who looks like he might have one. They want white folks armed because they may need them to forcefully maintain power one day. January 6th was just the beginning. It is also evident that they want to reduce the life expectancy of people of color by keeping them poor and limiting their access to healthcare and education while allowing greedy corporations to use poor areas as dumping grounds, poisoning poor people’s air and water. Knowing that people of color are more likely to die from COVID-19 because of the core morbidities caused by years of poverty and neglect, they refuse to impose mask mandates.

I am not surprised that white people are getting vaccinated faster than people of color. That too, is by design. And the fact that a black female lawmaker was arrested and dragged away in handcuffs in Georgia this week for simply knocking on the door of the Governor’s office and then charged with two felonies says everything we need to know about the criminal justice system.

As forty-three states work to legislate voter suppression laws designed specifically to limit voting among youth, poor, and people of color, I am glad that civil rights organizations are suing. I am also glad that community organizers are seeking to boycott corporations who do not publicly support free and fair election access. But we as voters need to be prepared to do our part as well.

The time to end oppression is now and the way forward is at the ballot box. We must be determined to vote no matter what obstacles Republicans place in front of us. This may mean making the necessary preparations ahead of time to secure the proper ID, to wait in a long line, bringing our own food and water bottles, saving to take off work or better yet, joining with other employees to implore employers to give time off to vote if necessary. We must ensure that our families and friends are registered and ready to vote in local, state and federal elections. This is how we will end the oppression of the majority by this hateful minority of Republicans over time.

If we want a better America where access to opportunity, health, safety, and justice is truly for all, then we must elect public officials who have our collective best interest in mind. The time of voting for the familiar name is over. We can’t allow the continued cruelty of men like Ted Cruise, Mitch McConnell, and Rand Paul and Republican governors to oppress us any longer.

It’s in my nature to worry. No matter how hard I try to stop myself, worry creeps in. I was worried that my daughter in law looked too thin during her last trimester of pregnancy. I was worried when the baby dropped into position at 34 weeks. I was worried when the mucus plug discharged at 35 weeks and at 36 weeks, my grandson made a rapid appearance after only 3 hours of labor on March 19th. His original due date was April 16th.

He weighed in at 5lbs 4oz and was 17 1/2 inches long. He was given oxygen for a few hours and glucose. His spent his first hours of life in the NICU at John Hopkin’s where ironically his mother interned in pediatrics. He is now out of the NICU and he seems to be thriving. My daughter in law will begin work at Children’s Hospital in Philadelphia this July, as a NICU doctor. So, “Baby James” Edward Pryor, is in excellent hands. I keep reminding myself that things will be fine, although I only slept three hours last night and kept checking my phone.

I’m excited about this precious addition to our family and can’t wait until the worst of this pandemic is over so that I can go visit them. I’ll get my second dose of the Maderna vaccine this week and as healthcare workers, they have already been vaccinated. I’m thankful that technology allows me to see and hear them through my cell phone in real time. I laughed when the baby perked up upon hearing my voice. And it was nice to be “present” for the nurse visit as they talked about his progress and impending circumcision this morning.

My grandson is mixed race. I care deeply about the country he is being born into. Since 2016, many people feel they have permission to put their selfishness, bigoty, misogyny, xenophobia, and racism on full display. It’s been awful and dangerous. How many lives could have been spared if people wore masks and kept their distance? And this week, misplaced anxiety resulted in the murder of eight innocent lives, six of whom were Asian American women. I want a better country for my grandson and everyone else. We deserve better. But it is on each of us to make this country better.

I’ll conclude with a poem I wrote in response to a hate incident on the university campus where I work several years ago. I put the words on t-shirts and handed them out to our campus community. Here is the poem:

My grandson will leave the comfort and safety of the hospital today or tomorrow. I’m praying that a better world will greet him.

Later this month, we will receive our second dose of the Merderna vaccine. Michael is over 70 so he was eligible a week before me. I’m an educator, so I became eligible at the end of February. There are inequities around the distribution of the vaccine that are striking to me.

Michael was lucky to be eligible because of his age despite his recent recovery from lung cancer and reduced lung capacity along with other issues that make him at high risk of dying from COVID-19. I too, have documented health conditions that put me at high risk. But none of that mattered. It came down to age and type of employment. Beyond healthcare workers and first responders, I believe that if we really wanted to save more lives, we would have put the most medically vulnerable next in line. Despite the knowledge that years of economic disparities, medical neglect, and racism have made people of color more likely to die from COVID-19, governors couldn’t bring themselves to put people of color with health conditions near the front of the line. In fact, even today, the availability of the vaccines in communities of color is lower if it is available at all. And the myth that blacks are unwilling to take the vaccine has been dispelled by recent polls that show we are the most willing of any ethnic group at 73% willingness. This is so unfair.

The other inequity that is glaringly apparent is the amount of time many people have to wait in line for the vaccine. On the news, they showed people waiting up to six hours to get the vaccine and so we expected that it would take all day. For Michael, his wait was about 20 minutes and I didn’t have to wait at all. I literally walked into the tent 5 minutes ahead of my appointment and had my shot within 2 minutes of my arrival. There was no line at all.

I’ve often marveled at why some people have to wait in long lines for hours to vote in major elections while I have never had to wait more than 10 minutes. And now I vote by mail just because its more convenient. Republican state legislatures are trying to make the situation worse for communities of color to vote by removing vote by mail, reducing polling place hours of operation, eliminating drop boxes, and demanding voter ID. We all know that the quality of roads, schools, water, air, and even grocery stores is better in white parts of town than others. Something is definitely amiss. A five year old child could point out the unfairness happening here.

When I ask myself what factors are at play to make my access to public benefits like decent roads and schools or easy engagements like getting a vaccine and voting versus someone else’s, I have to admit two things. First, I live in a predominately white area. Second, is our upper middle class economic status. Our taxpayer dollars make these benefits and engagements possible, but why are these funds dispersed so unevenly?

Early on my parents recognized these inequities and opted to move us into a white neighborhood once redlining was challenged in court. We found better roads, better schools, better and less expensive groceries, bigger public libraries, and a plethora of other benefits. While we faced bigotry and prejudice, those obstacles built our resilience, courage, and determination. It also made us aware that not all white people were bigoted nor prejudice. I found good friends who learned from my family that black people are actually as human as they are. So, I too, made the decision to raise my children in a predominately white affluent neighborhood to enjoy the better public assets but also to expand the minds of white neighbors about black people. And although we dealt with occasional bigotry and prejudice, my children grew to be strong advocates for diversity, equity and inclusion.

I understand that public assets are funded by a combination of local, state, and federal tax dollars. But if a depressed area has a lower local tax base because its population is poor, wouldn’t it be fair or equitable for the state and federal government to step in to boost the resources available to repair roads, bolster education, and to have adequate polling places? After all, we all pay state and federal taxes. However, as we know from Donald Trump and even Warren Buffet, the wealthy are paying less in taxes than the average working American. All the more reason for us to insist on equity.

By not insisting on fairness, we are institutionalizing inequity on the basis of race and economic class. Years of red-lining kept people of color locked in poor neighborhoods that effectively strangled the local tax base. And we know about the history of white people violently destroying those black communities that did manage to thrive. And once red-lining ended, white flight occurred as people of color began moving into predominately white neighborhoods. In fact, many formerly white schools and neighborhoods in California are now all black or Latino. Whites moved out and took their generational wealth with them.

It’s time that we start demanding equity from our state and federal politicians who distribute the funds that we all contribute to. In Florida, Ron Desantis is accused of funneling more vaccines to white republican areas. This kind of inequity needs to be called out and politicians who distribute our publicly funded assets unfairly need to be voted out of office. Of course, we need to first secure our collective ability to vote. The time for equity in the distribution of public benefits is definitely now.

This week, with the sexual harassment scandal surrounding Governor Cuomo, I was again reminded that some older white males in this country still view women as their personal play things. I rarely talk about the three times in my life when I paid the price for their sexual folly while they walked away unscathed. Being only 84% black, I have to wonder if my very existence isn’t the result of white male sexual assault upon my female slave ancestors.

The first time I was sexually assaulted, I was ten years old and my family had moved into a white neighborhood in Southern California. The single white male living next door was a television producer and was by all accounts a progressive man who embraced his new black neighbors. So much so that my brothers enjoyed visiting his home. On one occasion when I accompanied them to play, I found myself alone with the man and he sexually assaulted me. Before he got too far, my immediate response was to violently escape his advances and to run back home. However, I remained silent and never disclosed to my parents nor my brothers what had transpired that day. I made the calculated decision that the only one who would get hurt by my disclosure was my black father. Even as a ten year old, I understood that a black man could not safety defend his daughter against a white man. So, I kept my distance from that man, held my tongue, and bore the brunt of that pain alone.

The second incident was when I was a seventeen year old chemistry lab assistant at an almost all white high school. I had considered it an honor as a top student to be invited to assist my former biology and chemistry teacher. It was when we were alone in the lab one afternoon that he grabbed me and tried to kiss me on the mouth. I pushed him away, ran out of the lab and straight to the administration office where I asked to be dropped as his lab assistant. I gave some lame excuse and was released. Amazingly, I was unaware that I began to wear clothes for me that were oversized. It wasn’t until I was shopping several months later that a young sales lady pointed out that she had been watching me try on clothes and she noticed that I was purchasing clothes two sizes too big for me. I realized that I had been traumatized and was hiding and that I wasn’t even aware of it.

The third incident occurred when I was in my thirties and employed at a small private securities firm. At that time I was married with three kids. I had obtained my securities license and was making a ton of money. I enjoyed that job even though the hours were a bit long, but that job provided for a live-in housekeeper, a big BMW, and a nice home. We had it all and my future in the world of finance looked bright until the day the owner of the firm called me into his office, shut the door and tried to sexually assault me. I pushed him away and quit on the spot. Thankfully, my husband had a good job and we had savings to fall back on or our finances could have been ruined. I wasn’t silent this time, telling my husband precisely what happened and warning him to do nothing. Again, the reality was that only the black man would be harmed in the situation.

I say all this to say that I am glad that white men are finally being held accountable for their mistreatment of women. For all of history, we have been the ones to bear the emotional distress, the financial setbacks, and career limitations because of their abhorrent behavior. This has to stop and now is the time to stop it. It’s disgusting and disappointing to me that any woman supports Donald Trump who not only admits to grabbing women by their private parts, but claims that he hoped his daughters would have “the courage” to quit their job if they were sexually harassed at work. That is the kind of twisted thinking that has to end.

When I think of my perpetrators, I wonder what punishment I would have liked to see for them. The television producer belonged in prison because what he did to me was criminal. The science teacher should have been fired. The owner of the securities firm should have lost his wife and his reputation. I ask myself now if an apology would have been enough? Perhaps in the case of the securities firm owner. I was an adult at the time. If he had expressed contrition for his behavior and made a commitment to behave better in the future toward female employees, perhaps that would be enough. I still would have left though.

In conclusion, I guess I have mixed feelings as to whether Governor Cuomo should resign or be removed from office. He has publicly apologized. He has acknowledged his wrongdoing and has made a commitment to do better by female employees. For me, I think on a personal level at this moment in time, that might just be enough.

Earlier this month, my husband returned home from a visit to our longtime mechanic with a frown on his face. He explained his disappointment and frustration over encountering a life-sized cut out of Donald Trump and the absence of masks on the faces of the owner, our trusted mechanic, and his employees. Without a word, he said he turned around and left. I was surprised by the news and then had to stop myself from stereotyping all older white males like our former mechanic as members of the Trump cult.

It is undeniable, however, that many of the insurrectionists caught on camera were clearly older white males and females. Then, the people making their way to Cpac this weekend were those same older white people. Again, I remind myself that not all older white people are Trump cult members. But if someone is a Trump cult member, are they are likely to be an older white person? It could be that older white people are the ones we see on television because they have the financial means and free time to attend these events. No matter the actual demographic of Trump loyalist, I’m baffled by how otherwise decent people fell prey to the Trump cult. And by definition, it is a cult.

A cult is broadly defined as misplaced excessive devotion directed to a particular person or object. Those who continue to swear allegiance to Donald Trump in place of our Constitution and the value of common decency are members of a cult. And that cult has taken over the Republican Party. There are a few old school Republican holdouts, but they are vastly outnumbered and they have targets on their backs. In my view, they have already lost their party and its traditional values.

The Republican Party no longer represents policies around fiscal responsibility, small government, low taxes, law and order, family values, and individual freedoms. Instead it has become a Trump Cult rooted in xenophobia, white supremacy, voter suppression, anti-science, anti-intellect, and targeted discrimination, with lying, corruption, arrogance, mean-spiritedness, scapegoating, and selfishness as a acceptable norms. We got a taste of what happens when these people are in power: 500,000 Americans dead, innocent children in cages and separated from their parents, setbacks in clean water and clean air, a rise in hate crimes, and of course an insurrection over lies about a “stolen” election.

It is not surprising that people who know Trump cultist have reported on their personality changes. Many have abandoned their Christian values altogether in favor of a selfish and unhinged kind of arrogance that means they refuse to wear masks, they openly ridicule minorities, and they choose to accept obvious lies instead of the truth. It’s as though their constant consumption of conspiracy theories about evil democrats and lowlife minorities have so filled them with fear and hatred that they unwittingly fell prey to the Trump con game, believing that he will protect them from these imaginary enemies. He convinced them that he alone can save them and the country from those who are hellbent on destroying “their” country. They are paying his legal bills, pumping his already over inflated ego, and paving the way for a second Trump presidential candidacy in 2024.

We must be vigilant in these dangerous times. We now know that these Trump cultist are armed and dangerous. We now know that they exist among our armed forces and our police departments. We now know that they are running for office at the city, state, and national levels. They have declared war on our democracy in misplaced loyalty to a tyrant. Imagine what our country will become if Trump cultist are fully in charge. We already had a taste! And none of it was good!

I’m glad my husband walked out of the auto-shop. Perhaps it will take acts like my husband’s along with family and friends who are courageous and loving enough to challenge loyalty to Trump when they encounter it. My real hope is that Trump is convicted and imprisoned for his years of criminal behavior and is precluded from ever running for office again. I hope the insurrectionist of January 6th are prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. I hope the current Congress will protect voter rights. I hope Americans will pay closer attention to whom they vote for. And I hope Americans will refuse to support media outlets who spread conspiracies and lies. Maybe then, the cult will die and the true Republicans can get their party back.

I’m still carrying the green purse I was carrying in March 2020 when the pandemic stopped us in our collective tracks. That’s highly unusual for a person who changes her purses in concert with holidays, seasons and special events. My green purse ushers in springtime. My red purse is reserved for Valentine’s month and Christmas. My pink purse is for Breast Cancer Awareness month in October. My purple purse is for the start of the new school year in September and my gold purse is for the end of the school year in May since my University colors are purple and gold. I use a navy purse for summer. But for this entire year, I have not bothered to change purses. It was as though I was emotionally stunted in some way. I realize now that not changing my purses was simply an unconscious way to acknowledge this life disruption.

Because the end of the pandemic is in sight, I decided to acknowledge my emotional escapes that made this year of hell somewhat bearable. It was hell dealing with the pandemic, my husband’s lung cancer, and this presidential election this past year. I learned that I’m not the kind of person who runs towards others to talk about my challenges, but rather I retreat to a solidary place where I can fill my soul with the sights and sounds of life that are more pleasant than my current situation.

I found those sights and sounds in the music and performance of BTS and in the emotional storytelling found in K-dramas. It’s strange that I had to escape to South Korea for a reprieve from what life had become this past year. Many of my evenings were spent watching YouTube videos of BTS live performances, music videos, behind the scenes stuff about them or various reaction videos to the group. I was watching so much YouTube that I purchased an $11.99 premium subscription to rid myself of the commercials. Because the seven members of BTS came to mean so much to me, I became a member of their fan club, called “ARMY”, even purchasing the special membership. My kids, unaware of my purchase, also purchased a membership for me. I fell in love with BT21, a cartoon representation each of the boys created of themselves. For my own birthday I gifted myself the BT21 figurines and stuffed dolls and purchased several of their albums. I highly recommend their newest album, “BE”, in which they write about their emotions during the pandemic. The title song, “Life Goes On” is a masterpiece and many have now heard the song, “Dynamite” which is their first all English track that was released with the expressed intent bring cheer to the world during the pandemic.

As for K-dramas, I watch them on Netflix and Viki. My favorites this past year were the romance dramas that included such titles as, “The King: Eternal Monarch”, “Because This is My First Life”, “Itaewon Class”, “100 Days My Prince”, “Cinderella and the Four Knights”,”1% of Something”, “Strong Woman Do Bong Soon”, “What’s Wrong with Secretary Kim”, “Oh My Venus”, “Halo”, “Crash Landing on You”, “While You Were Sleeping”, and “Goblin”. I just finished “Sky Castle” which isn’t a romance but an excellent critique on the competitive South Korean educational system.

I think it might be mere coincidence that I relate so strongly to South Korean culture. My mother loved South Korea and visited there seven times before she passed away. She was planning another trip there when she became ill. South Korean culture is similar to African American culture in emotional energy which might explain their musical affinity for hip hop, rap, and R&B and our affinity for their performance of it. BTS music and dancing strikes a cord with many African Americans as seen through the reaction videos that feature many black males and females across generations and countries.

Whatever the reason, I am glad that I found an emotional escape in the artistry and creativity provided by the South Korean entertainment industries. The escape from the realities of 2020 was necessary and I’m thankful for the opportunity to do so.

The closing line of our national anthem claims that the United states is the “home of the brave”. Observations of the impeachment trial this week confirm my conviction that we are instead “the home of the cowards“. While I am disgusted and disheartened by the cowardice the majority of senate Republicans demonstrated by their stubborn resistance to convicting Trump who clearly incited his followers to violence, rioting, or insurrection at the U.S. Capitol on January 6, 2021, I am also aware that these cowardly senators are a reflection of us as our representatives.

When given the opportunity in 2020 to oust Trump enablers like Senators Mitch McConnell and Lindsey Graham, American voters re-elected them. American voters also elected Senators Ted Cruz and Josh Hawley and Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene. Their election speaks volumes about we, the American people. It says that we lack the moral courage to stand up for truth and what is morally right. It says that we lack the courage to condemn evidence of corruption, to honestly face our historical injustices, and to do the work of pursuing the value of justice for all. It says we don’t have the courage to hold wrongdoers accountable if there is a personal cost to pay. We have been too afraid to lose friends, family, followers or tax breaks by speaking the truth. Silence in the face of wrongdoing is also cowardice. We only have ourselves to blame for the fragile state of our nation. The lack of courage we witnessed on Saturday is our collective failure. So, we are no longer the home of the brave, but the home of the cowardice.

The moral depravity that we have condoned for too long (perhaps in ourselves and now in our representatives) is evident by the outcome of this second impeachment trial. Even the lawyers for Trump boldly lied in their defense argument without consequence. The senators who took an oath to be impartial jurors, openly strategized with the Trump defense lawyers and received appallingly little criticism. And the argument that Trump shouldn’t be tried after he left office was by made possible by McConnell’s refusal to call the senate into session to try him before he left office.

As a parent, an educator, and a citizen, I take personal responsibility for not fighting harder to send the message to my children, my students, and my fellow Americans to value the courage to seek out and stand up for the truth when presented with lies and corruption. I have failed along with the rest of America to demand better of our representatives, maybe because we have demanded too little of ourselves and each other for too long. While many of us have rightly spent our energy securing women’s rights, gay rights, criminal justice, and making Black Lives Matter, we have simultaneously witnessed the deterioration of moral courage.

I looked in the mirror and decided that I have to do better. With a grandson on the way, I thought about the kind of country he will inherit if we continue to behave like cowards and to elect representatives who lack moral courage. It is important to bolster our own commitment to being courageous enough to speak out against the cowardice we are witnessing today and to vote the cowards out of office, but it is just as important to build up the capacity of future generations to be morally courageous.

I thought about what my part in this could be and decided that during my retirement, I will dedicate myself to writing children’s books that focus on the virtue of possessing courage to confront lies, adversity, danger, and corruption. That is what I can and will do. I hope that parents, grandparents, teachers, preachers, and all patriots will take up the challenge before us to reclaim our place as “the home of the brave”.

It’s time to retire. Both my mind and my body are telling me it’s time. Of course, my husband is in excited agreement since he retired four years ago. I am thankful for the years of diligent saving and investing, rather than spending, that allows us to retire in financial peace. We have done well in that regard, but neither of us can say the same for our health.

Admittedly, some of our issues are inherited, but too many others stem from poor daily lifestyle choices. Michael is addicted to sugar and I’m addicted to salt. Both of us prefer a southern diet with fried chicken, fried fish, and macaroni and cheese being our favorite comfort foods. He loves candy and ice cream while I love potato chips. Although we garden and I work out for an hour five mornings a week and he has returned to golfing once a week, we both sit too much. Nearly all of my hobbies: reading, writing, doing puzzles, watching K-dramas, painting pots, and knitting are all sitting down activities. Even my work requires long hours sitting in front of a computer. Michael has always been a couch potato at home when he isn’t working on a project. We are both overweight by a lot and neither of us sleeps as well as we should. The time for a lifestyle change is past due if we want to live and actually enjoy a substantial time in retirement.

Since the new year, I have given up potato chips altogether. In consultation with my doctor, I am eating only broth soups or salad with homemade dressing for dinner on the nights I have dinner. He has recommended intermittent fasting and so I’m skipping dinner three days a week. I’m getting up and walking around more frequently during the work day and eating considerably less, cutting down on the size of my meals and nearly eliminating rice, pasta and potatoes. I haven’t figured out how to stop Michael from bringing home his sugary treats, though. Threatening and nagging hasn’t worked.

I’ve begun my countdown to retirement by putting a preparation timeline in place. I’ve schedule a training transition for my colleagues. I’ve scheduled all my health and body maintenance checks. In fact I just had my annual mammogram last Wednesday. In addition, my car just received a clean bill of health after paying nearly $500 for maintenance at the dealership to hear the great news. With only 35,000 miles on a fully paid for 2014 Lexus 300 Hybrid, I would think it should be doing well. My only plan is to change out the floor mats. In the next house, I’ll need to park it in the garage to preserve the paint. It was well worth the money to pay for the paint sealing treatment when I purchased the car in 2014 but it is beginning to show signs of wear. I had thought of purchasing a new car at retirement or us making due with just one car, but I realize a new car it isn’t necessary and Michael didn’t like the idea of sharing one vehicle. So I will take my 2014 Lexus into retirement with me.

This month I finally paid off the last of my substantial student loans from my master’s and doctorate degrees as well as my middle daughter’s student loan. It’s crazy in retrospect that I have spent my entire working life paying off student loans. However, that means that with the exception of our mortgage, we are 100% debt free. And our house is worth a whole lot more than our mortgage, so we’re in the positive there. We refinanced from 3.25% down to 2.75% last year and now I wish we had waited because rates moved even lower. But since we plan to move to Las Vegas in a year or two, it may not be worth pursuing refinance again. I suppose I’ll have to make some calculations and find out if it’s even possible.

On Friday, I began removing a few items from my on campus office. My goal is to remove a few items each of the three times a week I go to campus. I will either bring the items home, throw them away, or gift them. My goal is to make leaving my campus office as thoughtful and relaxed as possible when the time comes. Over 23 years, I’ve collected a lot of stuff, so it is a pretty big task. I’ve also collected a lot of unused vacation time, and the payout will be a nice bonus.

The same is true for my wardrobe. I have three closets full of clothes for different occasions. However, when it comes to my clothes, I plan to leave them behind as well. Most will go to Goodwill and my professional clothes will be donated to a shelter for abused women’s shelter to help outfit women seeking work. My goal is to lose 75 pounds in the next year and with that weight loss, I plan to purchase an entirely new retirement wardrobe. It’s going to be fun figuring out my retirement style.

My greatest expense is going to be purchasing an individual healthcare plan while I wait for Medicare to kick in. Even after that, I realize that managing healthcare expenses and supplemental insurance plans will be the greatest challenge and frustration. I see it with my husband and its shameful that things are so complicated.

My last day of work will be June 30, 2021 and I’m finding that as I begin planning my transition, my excitement about what comes next is growing. I’ve already announced that I’m not up for a big party or any fanfare. As a true introvert, I will be the most content to simply slip away quietly when the day arrives.