Author: tonihall805@outlook.com

Yesterday, Independence Day, I laid in bed from about 4am to 6am listening to a variety of Americans answer whether or not they were proud to be an American. Apparently, a recent Gallop poll revealed that the percentage of Americans claiming to be very proud or proud had slipped. As I listened carefully to the responses, I realized that C-Span was asking the wrong question. They should have been asking whether we love our country, not if we are proud to be American. To be proud of someone or something indicates approval and acceptance of what that person or entity has achieved or stands for. It was evident that those who see the trouble in our streets and problems with our government or who are grabbling with the racist history of the nation more often struggled to say they were proud Americans. However, the least educated seemed to be gushing with pride. For this, I blame our K-12 educational system and the history books that were designed to engender a sense of pride and patriotism by omitting or downplaying the warts, failures, and misdeeds of the country.

I was taking an American history class in college when I got my first glimpse of the true history of America. And what I learned wasn’t at all the rosy picture that was painted for me in K-12 where Christopher Columbus discovered America; where indigenous people gladly moved into missions and onto reservations; where cheerful African slaves picked cotton for their caring planation owners and then were freed by Abraham Lincoln because white Americans came to believe slavery was wrong because of a book called, “Uncle Tom’s Cabin”. The Civil War was about succession and states’ rights, not about slavery and both sides were to be respected and honored. Women were given the right to vote because the country evolved. Nothing was ever mentioned about the immigration policies and legal discrimination that shaped the demographic and economic structure of the country in a way that privileged whiteness. The heroes of the nation who fought and died in our wars were all white males. The classic books were by white authors. The museums were packed with art from white people and even today only 1.2% of the art in our national museums are by black artists. It is likely even fewer are from other minority groups.

The seeds of the cognitive dissonance between what I was programmed to believe about America and the reality I was living needed further explanation. Our school system was created to turn out patriotic adults who believe that America is the best place in the world “with liberty and justice for all”. The rich and powerful need ordinary Americans to be proud enough of their country to willingly pay taxes and to die for it so they can maintain their place. But knowing the actual history puts that blind patriotism in jeopardy. In my gut, I knew something was wrong. The narrative and the reality didn’t match up. And so, I began to read. I read a lot. One of the first books to provide me with a much clearer understanding of U.S. history was, “Lies My Teacher Told Me: Everything Your American History Textbook Got Wrong” by James W. Loewen. There were others, but notably, “The Warmth of Other Suns” by Isabel Wilkerson helped me better understand my family’s journey from Mississippi to Detroit, to California. And finally, “A People’s History of the United States” by Howard Zinn.

Granted, the actual history of the U.S. does not make one overly proud. So, it is not surprising that as Trump inadvertently exposes this dark history by scheduling a rally during Juneteenth close to the site of the 1921 Black Wall Street massacre near Tulsa, Oklahoma, the nation as a whole is exposed to a horrifying piece of American history that has been locked away from view. And Friday, yet another episode of American horror stories was revealed when he held his rally at Mt. Rushmore amid protests from the Lakota Sioux Indians who claim that land as sacred and we learn how it had been stolen from them-a ruling upheld by the Supreme Court in 1980. His current actions also reveal that monuments to traitors and slave perpetrators standing in public places in the south were erected in order to proclaim white supremacy during the time of Jim Crowe. I’m grateful that his inadvertent exposure is helping to destroy a collective false pride and invigorate the need for change.

While I don’t claim to be a proud American, I do claim to be a patriotic American who loves my country and will work hard to see her reach her full potential of her promise. I actually think that loving America is better than being blindly patriotic based on a sense of pride predicated upon a mythology and ugly hidden truths. As a nation, I think it’s like we are learning for the first time that our parents are not perfect. But like children, once the shock wears off, they realize that they love their parents none the less and will protect them at all costs based not on their perfection, but on love and devotion to them. So on this Independence Day weekend, I can say with confidence that I love America. And one day, maybe I will be proud of her, too.

I woke up Saturday morning with my heart racing because of yet another nightmare. I’ve been plagued by them lately as my subconscious struggles to deal with the fears I suppress during the day in an effort to be productive. This nightmare was based on a combination of two fears: white supremist terror and COVID-19.

In my nightmare, I was shopping in a local store wearing my mask and minding my own business when this older white man, looking like one of those stereotypical Trump supporters, stepped up to me without a mask, blew right into my face and said, “I hope you die.” I startled awake and could no longer set aside my fear that there really are a few people in this country who would do something like that.

The day before, a dear old friend from high school posted a June 25th article on Facebook from the New York Post about a county sheriff in Washington state who used a bull horn to tell residents, “Don’t be sheep” and to defy the governor’s order to wear masks in public. That sheriff, Robert Snaza, is a republican and a law enforcement officer who deserves to lose his job for encouraging people to break the law, endangering public health, and all while wearing his law enforcement uniform. He was in a church parking lot, surrounded by a crowd of those stereotypical white Trump supporter types and a second sheriff. He is precisely the kind of officer we need to take off the streets and I hope both officers are summarily fired. You have the freedom to speak, but it is not the freedom from consequences of that speech, especially when you are being paid with public funds to protect and serve.

While I believe these officers violated the public trust and their duties as law enforcement officers, I also think that people like them are going to help usher in disparities in survival rates between the educated and the uneducated. The sheep are the ones who listen to Donald Trump, the politician who refutes science and common decency clearly influenced these idiots in a uniform. Too many Trump followers willingly and stupidly expose themselves and their loved ones to a deadly virus to prove an irrelevant point in this situation: freedom. Freedom to jeopardize the health and well being of other human beings. Some have gone so far as to threaten public health officials and governors over their promotion of mask wearing to protect against this virus. How inconsiderate can people be? For people who say they value life, where is that value now? Sadly, COVID-19 will have its way with people like this and everyone unfortunate enough to encounter them. That’s why I’m having nightmares.

As a society, we have generally agreed that our collective public health should not be left to the whims of individuals. We’ve enacted speed limits, safety belts, traffic lights, alcohol limits for driving, driver’s licenses, age limits on cigarettes and alcohol consumption and many other laws to curb human behavior. Why? Because we recognize that some people are not wise enough nor considerate enough and as a result they risk the lives of others.

The requirement to wear a mask in public during a pandemic is no different. Clearly we cannot depend upon the wisdom and good will of our fellow Americans. So, I’m for making the wearing of masks in public places the law of the land and imposing stiff fines or community service on those who refuse. It’s an issue of public safety, not freedom, and it might help end my nightmares.

I’m tired. I’m tired that we’re having a public debate over whether or not human beings should wear masks in public to protect each other from a deadly virus that doesn’t care about individual freedoms, political affiliation, age, religion, or race. I’m tired that a president who has shown himself to be corrupt, lacking in sound judgement and leadership, lawless, and morally depraved is even on the presidential ballot this November. I’m tired that in 2020 anti-blackness is still a thing that has to be spotlighted, explained, argued about, and protested against in the streets. I’m tired that it takes the Supreme Court to rule that LGBTQ people have a right to work. I’m tired that the debate over Dreamers remains an issue. I’m tired that Mitch McConnell is still the Senate Majority Leader despite his devil’s horns on full display.

Being so tired this week and looking for a way to rally, I called to mind a poem I often read in my youth titled, “Don’t Quit”. The author is none other that American Quaker and abolitionist, John Greenleaf Whittier. It just so happens that this past week, his statue was vandalized and that, too, makes me tired because the vandalism was an assault on what this man stood for. But even before I heard about that incident, I was fixated on one particular line in the poem that I repeated over and over this week as a mantra. The line was, “…..rest if you must, but don’t you quit.” This week I will simply share the first part of this poem as I rest. But rest assured, I will NOT quit.

When my children were young and they injured someone, I taught them that it wasn’t enough to simply apologize. An apology was to be followed by, “Are you okay?” with the responsibility attached to it of repairing any damaged resulting from their actions even if unintended. The collective of the U.S. has injured black Americans dating back to 1619 when the first African slaves were brought to this country. It is not enough to only now acknowledge the injury of slavery, Jim Crow, lynching, and anti-black systemic racism that has finally been exposed for what it is. An apology isn’t enough. Just as freeing slaves in 1863 without education, money, and a place to work or live was not enough. America literally said, “You’re on your own now and because we see you as inferior to us, we won’t hire you unless you work for less. We won’t allow you to go to our schools. We won’t let you compete for our good jobs. We won’t let you live in our neighborhoods. We won’t let you go to our hospitals, stay in our hotels, or eat in our restaurants. And when you build your own, we will burn them down. We will do whatever we can to keep you from voting. When you talk back to us, question us, or make us feel uncomfortable, or run away from us, we will kill you with impunity. In fact, we look for legal reasons to lock you up and throw away the key.” America can finally see that the lingering poverty, lack of opportunity, exclusion, health and education disparities, and emotional and physical vulnerability of blacks was caused by 400 years of systemic racism towards blacks. Reparations are required, starting with an acknowledgement by every governmental and educational institution as well as corporate business that black lives matter.

I actually smiled a little at the June 12th announcement by Band-aid that they are launching a new line of band-aids that matches the range of skin colors in this country. This is a form of reparations. It is righting a wrong that has existed since they introduced the band-aid. Walmart is unlocking the cases that prevent black people from accessing black hair products without assistance in their stores that implemented that practice. Removing that indignity is a form of reparations. Cofounder of Reddit, Alexis Ohanian, gave up his board seat to be replaced specifically by a black person as an act of reparations. The University of California removed the SAT from its admission requirement. Eliminating a test that has long been known to privilege wealth is a form of reparation. The NFL finally acknowledged that it was wrong to denounce and punish Colin Kaepernick for taking a knee and is now supporting the Black Lives Matter movement. This is only the start of repairing their wrong. When we see Colin signed to another team, then they have truly acted to repair their damage.

Reparations are not handouts or charity. They are acts to take responsibility for damage inflicted by proactively working to repair the damage. In my mind reparations from a state and federal government means that we fully fund our public schools so that a child who walks into a school in the inner city will have access to the same facilities, materials, activities, and quality teachers as children in the suburbs. But in addition, repairing the damage in minority schools means putting in place social services to repair the years of financial, mental, and physical neglect. Reparations means that police and the criminal justice system are held accountable for their desperate treatment of people of color. Those who have been given sentences greater than their white counterparts for the same crime, should have their sentences reduced. Those who served longer sentences should be paid for the extra time served. Communities who have been over-policed and fined should be provided with community development grants by their state to build libraries, parks, community centers, business development centers, free health clinics and hospitals and mental health centers. Police departments should be dismantled and rebuilt under a model that truly seeks to protect and serve all humans. Mental health screening must become a part of the police hiring process to root out the sadists, bullies and white supremacists. And finally, police departments and offending officers should be subjected to civil lawsuits for excessive force that ruins the lives and livelihoods of many black families. A new name was just added to the list of racist police deaths in Atlanta, Rayshard Brooks. In health care, reparations means providing blacks and Native Americans with Medicare. The physical and emotional toll on the health of Native Americans and Blacks specifically because of this nation’s racism is well documented and must be repaired. Price gouging in stores in communities of color should be illegal and fines that benefit the community should be imposed on violators. State and local governments need to pass laws that require banks to pay fines directly to victims who experience discrimination in lending. Trade schools, community college, and state universities throughout the nation should be free for blacks and Native Americans for the next 20 years. And finally, black social security benefits should be raised to compensate for the years of discrimination that stifled the earning capacity of current retirees.

For all of this nation’s history, Black lives have been devalued, oppressed, and discriminated against to their detriment. Black lives have been diminished, denied opportunities, and even lost too soon as a result of systemic racism. It is time to acknowledge the collective wrong of a nation and to not only acknowledge that wrong, but to repair that wrong with real investment that actually pulls people up to a level playing field. The time for reparation has come.

I listened to people in powerful leadership roles this week deny the existence of systemic racism. It occurred to me that the denial of such a system actually helps keep an effective system of white privilege in place. These leaders keep insisting that racism is the problem of a few depraved individuals. They refuse to acknowledge that the system in place (the institutional and societal set of policies, processes, and practices) actually enable the individual acts of racism to proceed largely unchallenged and unabated. It is important to understand how systemic racism operates under the radar of most white Americans. And at its roots is a fairly recent anti-black mindset that was introduced to promote and perpetuate the institution of black slavery throughout Europe and the Americas.

Before institutionalized black slavery, the tribal mentality built into the human psyche had led to constant Us versus Them tribal conflicts. It is surreal to me how these basic conflicts continue to plague the human race today. Throughout the world, the tribe with the better weapons of war, immunity to diseases, or cool new gadgets dominate and enjoy the spoils of both land, power, and subjugated human labor. It was once normal for conquered people to be turned into slaves. Originally, slavery wasn’t based on the notion of the innate human superiority of one race over another. In fact, racially homogeneous societies operated and continue to operate under a class system where there is a ruling class, an educated and merchant class, and then a working class (which includes slaves) based on inherited family status. Humans also seem to be trapped by an instinctual need rank each other. These hierarchies serve those at the top while brutalizing those at the bottom. And to this already unjust societal norm, humans added a new layer of ranking: ranking according to skin color.

What began in the 1500s as white tribes seeking to dominate the world for wealth and power (greed) became scientific racism by the 17th century wherein white tribal success lead scientists to began to speculate that some races were inherently better than others, with the White race on top. These false notions gave moral fuel to a highly profitable system of black slavery, providing justification to classify blacks as only 2/3 human, inherently inferior to every other race, and therefore deserving of perpetual slavery. Later, the eugenic movement, led by Americans and taken up by the Nazis has solidified itself into the mentally of people all over the world. It’s like racism easily latched on to the human brain’s proclivity for tribalism and ranking. The notion that one tribe is better than another based solely on skin color has infected the entire human race. These deeply embedded beliefs pollute the minds of almost every American, including black Americans themselves (internalized racism). Since the 1940s the Black Doll Test has consistently shown that the majority of young children, including black children, associate white skin with good character traits and dark skin with bad ones. When whiteness is the standard for all that is good and right across the world, it is impossible not be a little scared and repulsed by blackness.

Racism is a combination of this inherent belief in white superiority mixed with the power to make decisions. It is the belief in the inherent inferiority of a particular person and the power to act negatively toward them. Systemic racism is the societal set of policies, processes, and practices that the ruling class has in place to uphold, excuse, and permit individual racist behavior. The following example should help to illuminate how this works.

An apartment owner has an apartment for rent and places an add in a local newspaper. A black couple shows up to view the apartment and the apartment owner, believing that black people are too poor, too dirty, and will lower his property value, tells the couple that the apartment is no longer available. This is individual racism. The individual is acting on his belief in the inferiority of the black couple and has the power to simply deny them the opportunity to rent his apartment based on his racist behavior even though there are fair housing laws on the books. In order to pursue their rights, the black couple would have to spend money, time, and energy to prove housing discrimination. And even if they did sue, they would likely face a white judge who is sympathetic to the plight of the apartment owner. The system works in favor of the racist apartment owner who can act with impunity because the process and practices in place to ensure fairness even when the policies are fair are is too cumbersome.

Examples like this are everyday happenings for people of color. With policies, processes, and practices in place that signal to people of color that the individual racist will not be held accountable for his racist actions, the system allows for teachers who have low expectations of their students of color to continue teaching with racists views, employers who don’t hire qualified people of color or set higher barriers for employment and promotion to continue to discriminate, for bankers who require additional layers of financial scrutiny for home or business loans to continue to deny loans to people of color, and for the criminal justice system that arrests blacks for crimes they ignore among whites to continue to fine, brutalize and incarcerate blacks in unpresented numbers and for longer sentences to continue to do so.

This is what systemic racism looks like and this is why people are taking to the streets. This is why black people are screaming that their lives matter. Not that they matter more than brown or white lives, but that they matter at all in a nation that continually demonstrates that they do not matter. Despite the debunked science of racial superiority or inferiority, we continue to live among racist individuals in a system that protects the racists. We are tired of living in a nation that continually demonstrates that black skinned people deserve less and that black lives do not matter. On every metric of survival and success, black lives are at the bottom. Many want to deny the racist system and blame black people for their own plight. There is no equal protection under the law and no ability to pursue life, liberty and happiness when a system of policies, processes, and practices block black people from receiving it.

I hope I have adequately explained systemic racism. I hope that now is the time that our society will begin to dismantle it. Change only begins with acknowledging the problem, confronting it, and then working really hard to fix the problem. I hope and pray that protesters will be able to force the ruling class to acknowledge the system they have upheld for centuries and then force them to tear it down. All of that is a heavy lift, but we are capable together.

For Americans who care about social justice and basic human dignity, silence is not an acceptable option in this moment. The recent events in which video captures the murders of Ahmaud Arbery and George Floyd and the endangering of Christian Cooper by a privileged white woman (Amy Cooper, no relation) who calls the police with a false claim of threat. As I watch protests give way to full out rioting including the spectacle of both fires and looting across the country, I ask myself which path is the most effective.

Speaking as a black woman in America, I know we need change. We demand it. We have been demanding it since slavery and Jim Crow. I understand that blacks aren’t the only ethnic group who need a more equitable system in this country. Our nation’s history has shown that skin color determines treatment. And in this particular moment, black people are once again the ones under attack from multiple sides.

Years of economic, environmental, and healthcare discrimination have left us particularly vulnerable to dying from COVID-19. The virus doesn’t see skin color, but seeks opportunities. The economic and social systems in place created the heath disparities in conditions like asthma, high blood pressure, and diabetes coupled with an overrepresentation in frontline essential work that leaves us particularly vulnerable. And the fact that it is more difficult for blacks to even be tested speaks volumes about who is valued and who is not in this nation.

It wasn’t enough that COVID-19 is ravaging our families, but once again we have unjustified murders and a justice system dragging its feet toward accountability and justice. We only know about the murders caught on video. My guess is that many more go unreported, particularly involving police, because the cameras are not rolling. And just how many are serving prison sentences or paying large fines because of police malfeasance?

How can any decent American stay silent? At the very least protests are called for. Protest in social media. Protest among friends. Protest from microphones. Protest in writing to newspapers and lawmakers. Protest in the streets, but while wearing masks and practicing social distancing.

But has the level of offense against black lives reached the level where rioting is called for? Perhaps. But this is not my preference because it is scary and riots have proven to be self-destructive rather than constructive. I get that there is a symbolic meaning behind burning down buildings. It is a symbolic call to destroy an entire system. Burn it down to the ground in order to start again is the meaning. There is meaning behind looting, too. The meaning is that the economic transactional system currently in place is unfair in which the rich always win and the poor always loose. So, looting is a way to reject the transaction. For some, they think its just an opportunity to get free stuff. But even that mentality itself is a byproduct of an unjust system.

At this moment in time, I side with both the protesters and the rioters. I worry because I don’t see the street protesters and rioters wearing masks or practicing any social distancing. In 2-3 weeks there will likely be a horrible price to pay in more COVID-19 illnesses and deaths. This sad reality makes me even more hopeful that our business leaders, educators, and political leaders really see, really hear, and really understand that the present system is unjust and cannot persist.

People like me are longing for the current system that is built on structural racism to collapse. Death, destruction, and chaos are in our future if these leaders do not act to change things quickly. If these leaders just look at the burning cars and buildings and the looters as irrational acts of violence, then they are missing the point and eventually the whole system will be burned down with them inside it.

I’m a fan of Asian dramas in general and South Korean dramas in particular. Beyond gaining insight into the culture, history, and landscape, I like them because they spotlight, in the most real way, the human condition. Inside a K-drama I can laugh, cry, be scared, be angry and experience the harshest of human frustration and finally satisfaction. Netflix recently released its newest K-drama titled, “Itaewon Class”. The 16 episodes depict the reality wherein the rich and powerful ruthlessly trample on the both the rights and the dignity of the poor and weak. In one scene, the arrogant heir brags that laws are in place to control the poor, but didn’t apply to people like him. Sadly, I think this reality is true all over the world, including here in the U.S.

We have huge numbers of black, brown, and poor people in prison for crimes that the well-connected and wealthy get away with every day. Watching both Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen both be released from prison this week says a lot about our society and our two-tiered justice system. Both men will get to spend the rest of their prison sentences in the comfort of their luxury homes surrounded by family and eating great food. Yes, they are on “house arrest” but look at the houses. And yet, this is the society we have collectively allowed to exist. We shrug our shoulders, stay silent, and accept that this is just the reality of things, recognizing the perversion of justice but feeling unable or unwilling to do anything about it.

In our society, like that depicted in the South Korean drama, the rich and powerful get to lie, cheat, steal, kill, and break all the laws of human decency and honor while pointing their dirty fingers at others with impunity. And despite this shameful reality, we not only allow this strange order to exist but in 2016, we actually elected a person who epitomizes this perverted order to be president of our country. Since Trump’s election, the perversion of justice and decency seems to worsen every day. Now we even have to contend with lies being spewed about Obama, the continual firing of any person who tries to hold wrongdoers accountable, and with an abuse of power that has never been so blatant and so overtly cruel. This president has actual blood on his hands with his handling of the border and now COVID-19.

And yet, we’ve become so perverted that there is still a question as to whether we would re-elect such a person in November. The sad thing is that a lot of this perversion can be laid at the very feet of Evangelical Christians who once were the standard bearers for what is good and right and decent and loving. Jesus told us that we would know a tree by the fruit it bears. But too many of them refuse to look at the fruit because they want judges who will trample on the rights of those who disagree with their theology. Too many Christians have turned away from the teachings of Christ and have embraced a man who breaks every law of love that Jesus has taught us. The poor and strangers whom Jesus told us to embrace don’t stand a chance with Trump in power. They want to protect the rights of the unborn while enacting death-sentence policies for the people who are already walking this earth. The perversion is not only real, but growing with these Trump supporters protesting against public health policies designed to keep us safe from a deadly virus.

The first step in solving a problem is to realize there is one. I’m calling out the perversion I see in the hope that others will recognize it and join me in helping to turn the tables. In the K-drama I just watched, the main character is fighting hard to turn the tables. The struggle was hard and painful and hellishly frustrating at times. But in the end, with the help of others, the table is turned and justice prevails.

The point I took away from the story is that “liberty and justice for all” doesn’t happen on its own. We have to bravely and collectively make it happen. For us in the U.S., this begins with voting in the presidential election this fall against Donald Trump and convincing our friends and loved ones to do the same.

Places are opening, perhaps too soon, but still opening. One such place is our local golf course. So, my husband, an avid golfer, went. While at the golf course, my husband told me about an old golf buddy who tried to approach him without wearing a mask. He stopped him from coming any closer and the friend accused my husband of being “one of them”. I guess the “one of them” are the mask-wearing, handwashing, surface sanitizing, glove wearing, social distancing people. My husband replied with a simple “Yes, I believe the science and this virus is nothing to play with.” And herein lies the problem and why I’m scared of too many of my fellow Americans.

Our communication with one another has been poisoned by too many lies in the public sphere. Because our political and corporate leaders who were supposed to be trustworthy have shown themselves to be self-serving liars so much of the time, the average person has to choose whom to believe. Sadly, too many are choosing to believe conspiracy theorist who occupy spaces on the radio and on social media and who themselves have an ego or profit motive for spreading their lies and misinformation.

But now the stakes are really high, even deadly. People are going to get sick and others will die because of the lunacy we have allowed to take root in our public discourse. Certain people have shown us who they are and that we definitely cannot trust them. We know we can’t trust this lying president Trump and his muzzled administration. We know we need to be skeptical of what business people say because of their profit motives. Certain news media outlets have ceased being committed to the truth. But we can and should seek truth from our scientists and health professionals who remain dedicated to the survival of humans and the planet.

I am terrified of people who show up in supermarkets without masks. I am frightened by people who defy stay at home orders to show up at beaches and frequent house parties either denying the risks or ignorant of them. I am even more terrified of people who show up at government buildings with guns demanding the lifting of all restrictions because some of them believe the whole COVID-19 thing is a hoax and others are protesting government infringement on their “freedom”. I suppose these same individuals are opposed to speed limits and stop signs as well.

We have the freedom to be stupid. We have the freedom to believe what we want to believe. We have the freedom to risk our own lives. But should we also have the freedom to put others lives at risk without consequence? The most vulnerable among us are being offered as sacrifices to the gods of money and freedom of movement. The scientists and health experts have made it clear that we are not yet adequately prepared re-open the country in a way that will protect human lives. But too many American leaders are ignoring these warnings re-opening businesses. And way too many Americans are rushing into bars and restaurants.

I am really afraid. The cost in the coming months will be the premature deaths of vulnerable loved ones, healthcare workers, first responders, and people working on the front lines who provide the essentials. I’m not ready to become a victim of insensitive, selfish, or ignorant Americans who do not take this COVID-19 threat seriously.

So, my husband and I will continue to be “one of them”: the mask-wearing, handwashing, surface sanitizing, glove wearing, and social distancing humans with even less freedom of movement because of the scary Americans out there who ignore the science and choose to act as if there is no danger.

I’m in love with K-Pop which is South Korean pop music. I enjoy it with or without the English subtitles. The K-Pop world paid close attention to the artistry of Michael Jackson that combines catchy music, incredible dance choreography, a moving storyline, mad aesthetics with attention paid to makeup, clothes, set design, camera angles and lighting, and production. K-Pop captures and nurtures my soul in the same way Michael Jackson captivated me. Surprisingly, it was my pre-debut Astro boys who lead me to the most popular K-Pop boy group on the planet, BTS. It was while watching pre-debut Astro members dancing to catchy songs that prompted me to find the songs. I discovered that both the songs and the choreography were from BTS. And so, I delved into BTS and became a huge fan.

The name BTS stands for a few things. Originally, Big Hit Entertainment had them slated as a hip-hop group when they debuted in June 2013 and BTS stood for Bangtang Sonyeondan which translates to Bulletproof Boy Scouts. They soon switched over to K-Pop and they became idols, wearing makeup and losing some of the hard edge. The seven member group, BTS, then became also known as the Bangtang Boys. In 2017 they added Beyond the Scene to the meaning of BTS. I get it, people evolve. And this group has definitely evolved over the 10 years they have spent living and working together as a unit. Like Astro, the members each have a unique personality, appeal, and role.

The leader of the group is RM (Rap Monster). Like his name implies, he is a rapper. Apparently he took a lot of heat from the hip hop scene when he became an idol, switching to K-Pop. He is the only member fluent in English and talks about learning English by watching the sitcom “Friends”. There are two other rappers, Suga and J-Hope, although Jungkook also raps. Suga is an introvert like me. He is an award winning and prolific songwriter who never intended to become famous. They call him the grumpy member. J-Hope is the exact opposite, full of positivity and great dance moves as the lead dancer, donning the strict dance teacher mode at times. Jin is the oldest in the group, born in 1992, and he is a really great singer. He is considered the visual, meaning the really good-looking one. And yes, he is good looking. But beyond good-looking is the incredibly sexy and charismatic Jimin. He was formerly a contemporary dancer and it shows. This young man is so attractive that even straight males have a hard time resisting his sex appeal. He is the shortest member, a lead vocalist, and a main dancer. He is the member my eyes are drawn to the most. I would call him my bias (K-pop for favorite). V is another that was recruited as a visual. He too is a lead dancer and vocalist. And finally, there is my other bias, Jungkook, the youngest in the group. This kid, born in 1997 does it all. He is the main vocalist, a main dancer, he raps, and on top of that he is so handsome. He is also quite the athlete. That’s the low down on the members, now on to my favorite songs and videos.

I mentioned that Astro introduced me to BTS by covering two of their songs. Those songs were Boy in Luv (2014) and Dope (2015). Other songs that have gained widespread popularity include I Need U (2016), Danger (2014), and Mic Drop (2017). Although the videos of these songs are well done, I prefer the live performances because videos depict such harsh realities and a harder edge of hip hop. My favorite early videos are Dope (2015) and Blood Sweat & Tears (2016) which is artistically beautiful. Also artistically wonderful is Fake Love (2018) and Black Swan (2020).

And finally, their most recent releases have captured my attention with more views than I care to admit. I’m captivated by the pure fun of Boy With Luv and the music and power of On, the Kinetic Manifesto Film. There are so many other BTS songs and videos that I am fond of. I have officially joined the fandom of BTS, called the A.R.M.Y.

This week I saw and also experienced the emerging mental health challenges stemming from the Corona virus pandemic. I think combining major life changes, social separation, physical threat, ambiguity, conflicting information, and financial stressors is a recipe for a widespread mental health crisis that differs among individuals affected. I saw a variety of manifestations of the crisis this week, starting at home.

My husband has always struggled with claustrophobia. But this week, the condition hit him hard and he couldn’t stay home. The back and front yards were no longer enough. I didn’t realize what was going on until he insisted beyond any iota of rational thought that he had to go to the car dealership to get a replacement for a cracked tail light that was under warranty until December. When I pointed out that it was still April and that the tail light could wait, he protested to the point that there was no stopping him. With mask and sanitizer in hand he left the house. No surprise that the dealership didn’t have the tail light and would have to order it. The following day, he made an unnecessary trip to COSTCO for snacks. Friday, it was another trip to the car dealership without even a call to see if the part was in. Saturday, he went golfing since they reopened the golf course. Needless to say, his irrational behavior was cause for tension between us as I reminded him of the need for social distancing, the risks of exposure in the places he was going, and the pre-existing conditions we both have that put us at particular risk. His emotional need to get out of the house was much stronger than his fear of the threat of what he might bring home. That was my husband this week, but I’ve had my own struggle.

I’ve been overly stressed by work-related changes and challenges along with a coincidental flare up of my asthma. In addition, and not surprising, my gastric ulcer flared up, leaving me in enormous pain. I haven’t been physically well, but I pushed myself to at least keep working Monday – Friday. I’ve been eating my ulcer diet, sleeping seven hours, and exercising with stretching, the treadmill, hand weights and gardening a few minutes a day for sunshine and fresh air. And then out of the blue, something else hit me. It was either burnout or mild depression. For about an hour and a half on late Friday afternoon, I was overcome with this feeling of wanting to just give up. I felt like I couldn’t move. I couldn’t read another email, do another Zoom call, respond to another question or take another phone call. I wanted to quit everything. If this was what life was going to be like, I wanted no part of it. I went and sat on the front porch. I went and sat on the back patio. I felt tired of it all. I was thankful that it was late Friday afternoon, meaning I had the weekend ahead to recover and to think of a way forward.

Experiencing my own mental health issues and that of my husband’s this week, helped me understand a little better why people are out there protesting and demanding an end to the shut down even before it is safe to reopen. People with anxiety issues are likely more anxious. People with anger issues are likely more angry. The list goes on about how underlying mental health issues are being exasperated by the crisis. As we collectively experience the death of society as we know it, we had better pay attention to mental health. Let’s recognize that our lives have been completely disrupted by the death of loved ones, the fear or reality of financial ruin, the absence of social gatherings, the massive adaptations to lifestyles, the pressure to be productive, and the loss of freedom of movement. Add to that the threat of contracting an unpredictable disease and the constant barrage of news, misinformation, and ambiguity about the future. There is no end in sight and that makes the situation more difficult for all of us.

I know I’m not alone in struggling to maintain a healthy outlook in the midst of this pandemic. But one thing I do know is that we can’t deny what is happening and pretend like we can go back to life as we knew it. Change is hard and coming to terms with a new normal is not without heartache, setbacks, and yes, pain. But if we can listen to cooler heads, acknowledge our struggles, give ourselves a break, take better care of our body, mind, and spirit, and then figure out reasonable solutions, we’ll get through this as stronger individuals and as a stronger and hopefully more equitable society.