Fully Present Post 50

I spent a significant amount of time this past week participating in several Tic Tok Live discussions centered on a variety of issues vying for supremacy in the clash between conservative thinking and progressive thinking. My next few posts will focus on unpacking the opposing viewpoints and what I believe makes sense and what doesn’t. One Live that captured my attention (and my input) was a discussion on how some frustrated black men (termed “Passport Bros”) are leaving the country in search of submissive wives.

Before that Tic Tok Live, I had never heard of the Passport Bros. Apparently, there are black men with the means to travel who leave or are threatening to leave the country in search of submissive women to marry because black women in the U.S. aren’t submissive enough. The men on the panel were of two mindsets. There were the outright misogynists who expect women to obey them without a word and to service their needs and ambitions. The other men, saw themselves as compassionate men who wanted to take care of “their woman”. They, too, believed that the role of women was indeed to be submissive and supportive, but they saw value in legitimate questions and respectful challenges, so long as their decisions were followed. Both men acknowledged that finding black women who wanted to be submissive on their terms was nearly impossible in the U.S. and so they needed to go abroad.

I found it interesting that the women were also of two minds. The first group of women were willing to be submissive with the right man in charge and the other viewed marriage as a partnership between two thinking adults with differing skill sets. I was part of the latter group.

The major criticism of the Passport Bros was a perception that they were insecure men seeking to enslave, control, and dominate vulnerable women who were poor, passive, and uneducated. They bashed black women and saw themselves as sticking it to black women by going abroad, but the women on the panel and in the chat were like, “Good riddance; please go” because no adult female with a healthy self-esteem and an education would willingly submit to blind obedience and exploitation. These men seemed desperate to fulfil a need to exploit women for sex and ego. It seemed that they either had a distorted view of women or that they cared nothing about the humanity of women, making them capable of treating women like children, sex toys, and slaves that they would “treat well”. Even the “reasonable” men had expectations that any self-respecting educated woman with ambitions and a voice of their own would find unacceptable. Later, a female law enforcement officer on the panel acknowledged that men who viewed women in this fashion were the most prone to use violence against their wives and girlfriends.

The men on the panel weren’t interested in partnership nor collaboration while the women were either seeking an unattainable level of competence, confidence, and strength in a male to submit to or like me, a partnership. But the reality in the U.S. today is that black females have college degree attainment at twice the level of their black male counterparts. They are less likely to have prison records and less likely to be unemployed. A combination of poverty, mass incarceration, violence, and single parent households as experienced in the U.S. have led black women to depend on themselves. Black females have gained a reputation for being educated, strong-willed, independent, hardworking, competent, ambition and very vocal. I guess it should be expected that many black males (along with others) find black women intimidating and emasculating. Many black women neither need nor want to be lead, however, they do want to be nurturing and loved and some are willing to be submissive under ideal circumstances. To the lament of many black women, it’s become common to find educated black males with white women.

On the flip side, black women are turning to men of other races for partnership much more frequently. All three of my biological children have married outside their race and I don’t find anything wrong with it. They have found someone who is a loving partner to them and that makes me happy. They have all elevated their social-economic status in partnership with the person they married. Contrary to the myth, they haven’t encountered a whole lot of drama from their ethnic differences. Rather, their life experiences and opportunities for growth have been expanded. At the same time, their spouses have become greater advocates for black lives. While I never married outside my race, I would not have been opposed to it. I just happened to meet partners who were black.

I’m thankful that twice in my lifetime, I married black men who were seeking a partner, not someone to dominate. We recognized each other’s knowledge, skills, and expertise and deferred to each other accordingly. The first marriage ended because he finally admitted that he didn’t believe in monogamy. I was confident enough in myself to file for divorce, but many women are not. Because we had been partners, we negotiated the terms of our divorce without drama and remained as collaborative co-parents. In both of my marriages, major decisions have been made through discussion until we reached consensus. The idea that one person makes all the decisions and the other mindlessly follows only works when the follower is incapable of rational thought. I pity the many women I saw in church who were passively submissive wives and later found themselves thrust into poverty and hardship when the man they trusted moved on.

I know there are religious women who believe in total submission because they accept the teaching that man is the rightful head of the household. That system works for women who are willing to place their trust, their talents, and their personal feelings in service to the ego, whims, and ambitions of a man because they trust God. If the man is generous, kind, really smart, has integrity, and values his wife’s feelings and gifts, then it might work. The problem is that very few men can meet the high standard required to command absolute submission. So, in my humble opinion, I’ll take partnership and collaboration in marriage over absolute submission any day.

I doubt the Passport Bros will change their mindset and so I feel sad for the women who may become their victims. A few may be happily submissive and do well in these marriages. But moving forward, I hope we as mothers and grandmothers do a much better job of raising our sons to respect and value the full humanity and dignity of women.

A black person can in fact hate black people. Scholars have long provided the term, “internalized racism” to describe animosity toward people from one’s own group identity. Over the years, I’ve encountered anti-blackness in black students and adults. I had one black student confess that her grandmother advised her to avoid other black students on campus because they were “trouble”. This kind of racism against one’s own identity comes from being subjected to years of negative messaging coupled with a few incidents that reinforce those negative messages. So, the fact that five black officers beat an innocent young black male to death is not evidence that racism wasn’t a factor in this particular case. It likely was front and center along with their character flaws. However, racism is at the root of the problem with policing today.

At the historical root of modern policing is the brutality of slavery, overseeing slaves, and slave catching. Post-slavery, policing was used to feed the prison system, which was legalized slavery, providing cheap labor to industry. Black men have always been the most targeted group to feed the system. The era of Jim Crow added particularly egregious laws that targeted the behavior of black people and severely limited their civil liberties, making black life difficult and black incarceration easier. These oppressive laws were eventually replaced by “non-discriminatory” laws that were overly enforced in black communities as a way to justify the arrest, ticketing, and conviction of black citizens for offenses. Too often, these same offensives are ignored in white communities by police and judges. The many examples of unequal justice are backed by statistics that show over-policing, racial profiling, excessive ticketing, and harsher sentencing for black people. For many years media reporting highlighted the crimes of blacks while simultaneously ignoring the fact of over-policing and harsher sentences. These flawed reports fueled calls for tough on crime legislation that further targeted black communities and gave a tacit pass to police brutality. I’ve heard white people say that blacks get arrested so often because they are the ones who commit most of the crime. But that isn’t necessarily the whole truth.

Living in a white community, I’ve seen and experienced the disparity firsthand. When a white kid commits a crime, he is let off with a warning. His actions are written off as, “boys will be boys”. When I was working at the University, police wouldn’t bother to even come to campus to arrest a white kid for possession and even sale of marijuana. Twice, violence against my own son was written off that way. And on one occasion, I later found out that the police officer didn’t even file a report, breaking police policy. However, when a black child commits a crime, he is treated as a bonified criminal for the exact same indiscretion. National news reports show black children as young as five years old being led away by police in handcuffs, further pushing the narrative that even black children are dangerous. And in communities across the country, young black men are routinely stopped, and their cars searched for drugs in hopes of making an immediate arrest. Policing in this country has always been used as a weapon against black people. Something is terribly wrong when the police are called and then show up when a black person is simply minding their own business in a space where their presence is seen as a threat by a white person.

Calls for police reform have little chance of passing this current Congress because the object of the unfettered brutality is primarily young black males. Media and public sentiment toward black people have to change drastically for lawmakers to finally enact necessary police reform. I’m hopeful that change will come because our broken criminal justice system is finally being exposed. I’m thankful for the body cameras and the cell phone videos of private citizens. I’m thankful for the CCTV cameras that captured the beating of Tyre Nicols and exposed the bogus reason for the stop. They couldn’t find any reckless driving. I’m thankful for the brave people coming forward to tell their hidden stories. I’m thankful for the “peaceful” protesters who take to the streets to demand justice.

In recent years, each senseless death, has helped to expose the racism and underlying injustice built into our criminal justice system. It is right that the five black officers were immediately fired and charged with second degree murder in this case. But it would be foolish of me to ignore the fact that they, too, were black males and that justice was much swifter in their case than in all the cases involving white officers caught in the act of police brutality.

I’m not saying we don’t need police. We do and I appreciate individuals willing to put their life on the line every day to protect and serve the public. I just want this system to recognize that people with black skin also deserve to be protected and served. And that starts with hiring police officers with the right mindset. Too many of them have overly inflated or fragile egos and become bullies. Some are violent at their core and chose policing to feed that craving. I think initial and continuous psychological testing is needed to assess suitability for duty. I think mental health services must be provided and mental health awareness training should be required. It is estimated that about a third of incarcerated individuals have mental health issues. We need to end the practice of accidentally hiring police who were fired or pushed out of other departments due to misconduct.

There is work to be done and the only way to get Congress to pass the George Floyd Police Reform Act is to push them to do so. If it means writing letters, then we must write. If it means, protesting, then we must protest. If it means meeting with Congressmen, then we must meet. Until we are willing to demand better, black people will continue to be the target of over-policing and police brutality.

When it comes to getting anything done in Washington, politicians have admitted that they are forced into action by the people. Without our loud voices pushing them, they won’t do much. These days, Republicans are hearing a lot from conspiracy theorists, white Christian nationalists, and white supremacists while the rest of us look on in absolute horror and wonder why they are making such horrific choices. They are being driven by a very loud voting minority. It’s time for the rest of America to become even louder to push them in another direction. While protesting and voting are important, we have another tool in our toolbox that too few people realize or fail to utilize.

The First Amendment grants us the right to petition our government. What this means is that we have the right to use our individual and collective voice to express our grievances or desires directly to our elected government officials without threat of reprisal. This is a right that I have used frequently by either taking the time to read and sign petitions created by others or by sitting down and either emailing or writing a letter. Some people prefer to pick up a phone to call their representatives. I’ve done that, too, although I prefer to email or send letters. A few people, make an appointment for a face-to-face meeting. This week, I sent two such letters. I sent one to the new Speaker of the House, Republican Kevin McCarthy along with a copy of it to the new House Minority Leader, Democrat Hakeem Jeffries. I sent a second letter to the new Chair of the Oversight Committee, James Comer of Kentucky, after being disturbed by his interview on the PBS News Hour.

Below is a copy of the letter I sent to the new Speaker. My hope is that readers will become inspired to do the same. The more emails, letters, and phone calls, the better. His Washington DC address is 2468 Rayburn House Office Building Washington, DC 20515.

Dear Speaker McCarthy,

As a tax-paying, law-abiding, voting citizen of this country, I am writing to express my disappointment in the Republican agenda and the looming (and unnecessary) fight over the deficit.  The Republicans look like revenge-seeking hypocrites who will do absolutely nothing to address the actual problems that face the nation.

You whine about deficits now that Biden is in the White House but gave Trump an easy pass.  In fact, you cut revenue (taxes) for the wealthy and corporations.  Of course, we have a deficit!  When an American family can’t pay their bills, they not only cut spending, but they find another revenue source like working overtime or getting a part-time job.  You want to cut spending on essential things that will hurt average Americans, especially the poor, when you really should be collecting more taxes from the wealthy and from those (like Donald Trump) who cheat on their taxes.  Warren Buffet and others publicly admitted that he didn’t need those tax cuts.  We have people with more wealth than they can possibly spend and yet their wealth is only growing while others work long hours and can’t afford necessities. Perhaps you should start a Go Fund Me page for the wealthy to “donate” to the government since you refuse to tax them.

I find your rhetoric and your agenda to be bogus on just about every front.  First, you refuse to hold Trump accountable for breaking laws, lying, and causing an insurrection.  Second, you have given committee appointments to Santos who became a congressman through lies and deceit and is very likely a criminal. At the same time, you gave committee assignments to conspiracy theorists who lack common sense and common decency.   Your party punishes upstanding representatives who tried to hold Trump and the January 6^th insurrectionists accountable for their attack on our democracy.  And anyone with eyes understands that Dr. Fauci was a public servant who worked to save lives during a pandemic.  And for God’s sake, Hunter Biden is not the president and doesn’t hold any kind of public office, so why are you wasting my taxpayer dollars investigating a private citizen?  Instead, you should stop ignoring the business and financial connections Trump, his daughter and son in law had with foreign countries during their tenure in the White House.  This is hypocrisy at its worse.

None of your attacks on women’s health, LGBTQ civil rights, the poorest among us, health care, and social security are going unnoticed by average Americans who care about the lives of others.  You can’t dress up your harmful agenda as fiscal responsibility when you continuously cut taxes on people who don’t need it and ignore doctors and scientists in favor of flimsy conspiracy theories, ignorance, and a rejection of historical facts.   

And as an aside, I tried to call the IRS to get a tax question answered and had to wait for hours to get an answer because they are understaffed.  On another occasion, I had to give up altogether and never received a call back.  We desperately need more agents to answer questions and to collect taxes from cheaters like Trump.  So, I fully reject your suggestion to defund the IRS.  And a national sales tax is an unfair tax on the poorest among us.  If anything, you should be raising the income tax rates and social security tax on the wealthiest Americans or ask them to donate to the U.S. Treasury.

I’m disgusted by your party’s unwillingness to spend money on the things this country needs like infrastructure, healthcare, a safety net for the poor, clean-air and water, fighting threats like climate change, and an immigration system that works. 

We have real problems in this country, and I am livid that your party plans to spend its time on revengeful investigations and fights over spending cuts instead of addressing the real problems I mentioned. 

I am expecting you to raise more revenue to cover necessary spending.  I am expecting you to hold Trump and members in your party accountable for their attacks on our democracy. I am expecting you to listen to healthcare providers, scientists, and other experts to try to solve real problems.   I am expecting you to pass comprehensive immigration laws that deal with the issues at our border and to process people who are here in a timelier fashion.  I am expecting you to protect the reproductive rights of women.  I am expecting you to pass legislation that curbs the rampant gun violence, gun suicides, and gun accidents that are happening every day. I am expecting you to deal with domestic terrorist who threaten educators, public health care workers, election officials, judges, and legislators.   I am expecting you to address the drug crisis tearing through communities.  You cannot do this by defunding the FBI and investigating the justice department.    

All of this comes under what our government was established to do:  provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves and our posterity.  We need revenue to accomplish these things and until now, we have collected taxes.  So, stop cutting taxes unless you plan to run the government on donations from the wealthy.

Sincerely,

Dr. Juanita Hall

Cc: House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries

My hope in sharing this is that my readers will seriously consider taking the time to make their opinions known to our lawmakers. They only act when we push them. And for those who think these letters fall on death ears, please know that that is not the case. I’ve had lawmakers respond directly to specific comments in my letters. One aide told me that each letter is important because they understand that it represents a lot of people who don’t take the time to write but who feel the same way.

While making small talk with my dentist this week as she prepared to clean my teeth and examine the progress from my Invisalign braces, she mentioned that she hadn’t watched any news for two years to preserve her mental health. Coincidentally, my husband confessed on one of our walks this week that he can no longer watch the news in the morning because it ruins his entire day. I, too, have limited my consumption of news for the same reason as the two of them. Watching the news, particularly the political news is like watching a slow-moving train wreck happening before my eyes and feeling helpless to stop it.

However, I am not entirely helpless. People say that to address a problem one must first acknowledge that a problem actually exists. As a human, it’s tempting to ignore, avoid, or to pretend like a problem doesn’t exist, especially when you feel like you don’t have the means to address it. Today, our nation faces a collective problem presented by the MAGA Republican agenda. They are white “Christian” nationalists, not very different from the Nazi Party and they want to take over the nation.

In my lifetime, I have never encountered a group of people so determined to lean into conspiracy theories, debunk ideologies, and wishful thinking as opposed to actual science, history, and social and psychological research. Their willingness to promote dangerous misinformation, lies, and to distort facts is difficult to swallow. The level of blatant racism, xenophobia, and hypocrisy is disheartening and uncomfortable to watch. The fact that MAGA Republicans are willing to allow a fraud like George Santos to continue to be seated in the House of Representatives shows just how depraved and unhinged this party has become. Truth and integrity are not a priority; power is. It’s clear to anyone watching a Congressional hearing that they are opposed to allowing science, academic research, and medical professions guide decision making regarding climate change, abortion, public health, and transgender issues. The evidence shows that they want to hide or manipulate history so they can characterize any attempts to rectify the damage done to minorities as attempts to discriminate against whites. They are against immigration from non-white countries. Like moderate Republicans, they too want to end Social Security and Medicare as well as income taxes. So then, what are they for?

First and foremost, they are for re-establishing white male “Christian” dominance in the United States and the world. They embrace a false narrative that this is a “Christian” nation. They embrace the strong man approach over the constitution that now grants freedoms to minorities and women. To reestablish white Christian male dominance, they are willing to hand over the reins of government to a leader who is willing to kill, imprison, or silence anyone who threatens what they believe is their God-given right to rule and dominate. In their distorted view of things, the founders created freedoms solely for them. They alone truly have the right to vote, so voter suppression of minorities is good until they can again eliminate that right altogether. This is why they think there are stolen elections. If you don’t believe people of color legitimately have the right to vote, then you view their votes as fraudulent. They believe that freedom of speech applies only to them, even if their words cause chaos or puts others in harm’s way. They believe the right to their religious practice justifies denying the civil liberties of other citizens. They believe they have the right to protest, but others are unpatriotic if they do so and should be punished. They believe they have the right to bear arms, but view others as a threat to be killed on the spot by police if they bear arms.

Behind this anti-democratic stance is the underlying reasoning that white people discovered and fairly conquered the indigenous people to establish this country as a white protestant nation. In their minds, only white people are true Americans. The surviving indigenous people belong on reservations. All others are merely guests and inferior humans who were brought in (in chains) or allowed to enter to help build the infrastructure, industry, and agricultural foundations that made this country to function and prosper for them to enjoy.

However, those few white protestants realized that they were quickly outnumbered by indigenous, blacks, and immigrants from around the globe who were pouring their blood, sweat and tears into this nation without rights. Their answer was to expand what it meant to be white and therefore an “American” with full access to education, voting, and positions of authority. Immigrant groups literally petitioned the Supreme Court to be classified as “White”. Some were granted whiteness while others such as Southeast Asians and Japanese were denied. My Armenian son-in-law was shocked to learn that he is white because the Supreme Court said so. Some Mexicans cling to their whiteness because of a similar Supreme Court ruling. The expansion of whiteness was a way to maintain dominance over people of color and to restrict competition for land, education, employment, and power. Legalized discrimination made the escape from poverty nearly impossible for all but the extremely talented or lucky.

As second-class citizens who fought in every war and helped build the country, it was inevitable that people would form an alliance to demand full citizenship rights. Jews, who are white, are most hated for joining with Blacks, feminists, and other people of color in fighting for Civil Rights. This ongoing the alliance of feminist women, ethnic, religious, and LGBTQ minorities makes up the democratic party today. They are continuing to fight for access to opportunities and the expansion of higher education and a safety net. While Conservatives are individualists, Democrats see us as being in this together and affecting each other’s lives.

It’s undeniable that strides have been made to educate and give more access to land, capital, education, employment and power to people who were previously excluded from all these opportunities. What we’ve achieved with the limited access we earned is remarkable, but it is also scary to some white conservatives, particularly those like Trump.

The election of Barack Obama awakened fears within the hearts of some white people that “their nation” is being overrun by outsiders and overly ambitious people of color. MAGA Republicans are fearful of losing what power they think they have and so they have unleashed an all-out war on feminists, ethnic minorities, Jews, LGBTQ folks, and immigrants. “Make America Great Again” really meant, “Make America ‘White’ Again” where white males hold all the wealth and power.

The MAGA Republican agenda is simple: Restore power and privilege to white Christian Americans. First, they will close the borders to non-whites. They will force pregnancy upon women to stifle their ambitions and curtail their progress. Then they will cripple poor communities by eliminating all social safety nets while re-establishing discrimination (disguised as freedom) so that poor people and LGBTQ people will no longer have the energy nor desire to seek political power. They will replace income tax with a national sales tax that unfairly taxes the poorest among us. If they can create a permanent underclass of cheap labor who must work until the day they die (and they will die sooner with more poverty-driven crime and without decent food and healthcare), then they will have achieved their goal.

The time is right now to acknowledge that we have a problem in this country that will not be ignored, avoided, nor wished away. It matters that we stay informed and that we use our individual and collective voice to advocate for what is true and just. We must defend those among us who are under attack. It matters more than ever that we vote for officials who are inclusive and who value equal justice under the law and who tap into the current wisdom of science, history, and medicine. This is our collective fight to win against a very vocal and relentless MAGA Republican Party. So, watching or reading a little bit of news every day is a task that must not be entirely avoided even though it makes me uncomfortable.

Anyone watching the news this past week saw drama unfold as the two faces of the Republican Party did battle over who would become the next Speaker of the House. The situation sparked a conversation with my husband over what the Republican Party stans for. In my mind, there are two agendas and neither of them suit my taste. This week, I’ll share my take on the moderate Republicans

What I’ve observed about the moderate or traditional Republican Party is that they are primarily rugged individualists who believe that everyone should pull themselves up by their bootstraps without government intervention and low taxes. They point to the “American Dream” as though every American has the capacity, pathway, and opportunity to achieve it if they go to school, get a job, get married before having babies, and work hard enough. With that mindset, they view the poor as failures.

The reality is that Republicans choose to ignore the reality that some people cannot follow their prescribed path for a variety of economic, physical, social, and emotional reasons. Few children born in poverty have the extraordinary talent, courage, and drive to overcome the trauma and lack of resources associated with growing up in poverty. In my opinion, Republicans are far too quick to demonize the poor as lazy “welfare queens” looking for a handout instead of looking for a job. To them, poverty is a character flaw to be punished, not mitigated. As rugged individualists, I watch as they continuously vote to withhold the funding needed to address both the immediate and underlying problems of the poor. Instead, they are willing to allow children to go hungry, be under-educated, and to become desperate enough to view crime as an opportunity if they aren’t especially talented in some way. Their answer to the crime their individualism inspires is to invest in greater numbers of police and prisons. They simply lock up the criminals and the mentally ill, the majority of whom are black and brown people as a direct result of this country’s history of systematic discrimination that perpetuated poverty.

Moderate Republicans have a staunch belief in limited government, free enterprise, a strong military, and fickle immigration. They assert that people should be trusted to make decisions for themselves as individuals regarding gun ownership and mask wearing, despite the obvious risks to public health. Like poverty, they believe that people are fully responsible for their own outcomes, whether positive or negative. Their repeated answer to innocent lives taken by Covid-19 and victims of mass shootings is the offering of “thoughts and prayers”. They expect individuals to take precautions like arming themselves as though the good guy with a gun can always stop a bad guy with a gun. They seem to prefer a self-imposed isolation for Covid-19, not mask-wearing or vaccine regulations. I’m disheartened, but not surprised by their policy of going out in public at your own risk. This explains their opposition to universal healthcare. They believe an individual’s health and related expenses are personal and should be handled on a personal level.

This rugged individualism extends beyond public health. They allow for blatant discrimination against women, LGBTQ people, and people of color, while also allowing for the exploitation of illegal immigrants by employers as “free market strategies”. Employers in labor intensive industries like agriculture, meat packing, and construction desire cheap labor and so Republicans refuse attempts to increase legal guest-worker programs and to increase governmental capacity to process more immigrants. Their strategy has been to score political talking points by demonizing migrants as drug dealers, murderers and rapists while forcing desperate migrants into an illegal status that provides industry with cheap slave labor.

I don’t find the moderate Republicans to be overtly racists. In fact, they hate even the idea of it. Instead, they approve of a false “meritocracy” that gives obvious advantages to the children of wealthy people in education, business, and housing while crippling the historically less fortunate, who just happen to be primarily black and brown people. They genuinely claim to be “color blind” and they truly believe that they are adhering to Martin Luther King, Jr. speech about character being more important than color. This is why they so easily demonize the poor as deficient in character and so happily praise the few people of color who have risen out of poverty to join their ranks. So, of course, they cry, “reverse discrimination” should any special access to opportunities be given to those who have been historically disadvantaged through discrimination. This is why they are quick to highlight the extraordinary accomplishments of the few minorities who are successful as though they are living proof of the righteousness of rugged individualism.

Moderate Republicans chose to ignore history, science, and sociology in favor of advancing “opportunities” for personal and corporate economic gain. If a vaccine, clean energy, or technological advances makes money and creates jobs, then they are all it. However, I think they approach history and science and social change as threats to the status quo and so they inject the fear of losing what they have into every argument. This is how they earned the title, “conservatives”. For example, they continue to adhere to a disproven theory of trickle-down economics in order to continue to support policies that favor the wealthy “job creators” who are in reality labor exploiters, not much different from slave owners. Their policies have only increased wealth inequality because nothing really trickles down.

In the seventies, Republicans needed more Americans to join their ranks and so they added issues to their agenda that appealed to white evangelical Christians. They put forward the protection of the unborn and the notion that the U.S. was a “Christian” nation in danger of being taken over by secularism. They boosted their numbers among white evangelical Christians.

But it was the election of the first black president that ignited the racism and white supremacy that has become the Trump “MAGA” faction of the Republican Party. Next week, I’ll talk about what they stan for and why they must be defeated.

Like many people, I welcome the new year as an opportunity to reflect on the past year and to reset my priorities for the new year. I take time between Christmas and New Year’s Eve to consider who I want to be, how I want to live, and what I hope to accomplish in the coming year. Often times I make resolutions to lose weight, change bad habits, learn a new skill, or do more of something good. I always use the time to review, reorganize, and revise my finances (and this year was no different). I created my financial strategy for the year including a budget. This year’s reflections and revisions are heavily influenced by the fact that I’m about to become a grandmother to two additional grandsons in February and March and the relief that my husband’s 2 1/2 years of treatment for lung cancer have been officially concluded with success. He will start 2023 without any traces of cancer in his body!

I’ve reviewed the charities and political organizations to which I contribute on a monthly automatic basis and I’m not making any changes. My giving reflects my desire to help in areas that touch my heart the most. I have limited resources, so I can’t give to every worthy cause, although I would really like to. I’m thankful that my husband has his own set of charities that he donates to at the end of each year, and they are different from mine. He prefers to write big checks, while I like the monthly approach. So, I’ve made the tough decision to continue to give to St. Jude, Doctors Without Borders, Women for Women International, FINCA, UNICEF USA, the Boys and Girls Club of Southern Michigan, and World Food Programs. On the political organization side, I’ll continue to give to MoveOn and Emily’s List. Throughout the year, I’ll donate to individual campaigns during election season, give one-time donations for disaster relief efforts, and donate to educational institutions and scholarship funds during fundraising campaigns.

On the educational and social justice front (my vocational purpose), I’ll continue with the Fully Present Better Human Project using my social media accounts, website, and promotional products. It’s not a money-making venture, but a passion project with the hope of encouraging better human behavior. Starting in January, my daily posts will be posters promoting the nine better human behaviors to build a safer and more equitable society. I’ll also put forth my social justice poems and promote the products I’ve created to help others spread the message with me.

I drastically changed our eating in 2022 to a plant-based diet (except Fridays) and I practice intermittent fasting where I eat during an 8-hour window and fast for 16 hours. These changes along with exercise have improved my health and even improved my kidney function, which I didn’t think was possible. I firmly believe this new diet also helped with Michael’s recovery. I’ve lost ten pounds so far and all my lab numbers are within the normal range. So, I’ll just continue eating this in 2023 alongside my gardening and other activities that involve working with my hands.

I spent most of the last two years knitting for my grandsons. I made hats, booties, blankets, sweaters, and mittens. That’s all done. I’ve put the yarn and the knitting needles away. However, during a time of stress in early December, I found myself wanting to paint for emotional relief. I also purchased a Cricut Maker that went on sale at Costco. I’d been eyeing it for crafting purposes for a couple of years. I watched YouTube videos to see all the projects I could make and to learn all the tricks. I was fortunate to catch all the Christmas sales and after Christmas clearance to stock up on paints, vinyl, wood, and supplies at greatly reduced prices. My husband purchased a Cricut hot press for me on Amazon as my Christmas gift. I’ve found many premade designs and fonts in the ETSY Store for a nominal cost and easily downloaded them onto my computer for use. This completely eliminated the need for the $10/month Cricut subscription. The Dollar Tree has been my go-to place for multiple surfaces to embellish and for small paint canvases. I even found youth t-shirts to customize at the Dollar Tree. I have so much stuff to work on to keep me crafting in 2023. And it’s been nice watching my husband put his wood working skills to work for some of my projects.

Although I paint like a 5-year-old and my crafting skills aren’t that great, I’ll enjoy crafting when I’m home. But with two new grandsons on the way, I plan to spend a lot of 2023 on the road visiting these precious little ones or filling in with childcare for their busy parents. I sometimes wonder if they waited for me to retire to have their babies. In some ways it is nice that they are older parents with established careers, but pregnancy after 35 isn’t the best way to go. I message to young women seeking a career first is to freeze those eggs. We’ve talked about driving to Texas for Michael’s granddaughter’s college graduation and then taking our time to sightsee in New Mexico. In any case, my crafting projects will likely be focused on the kids and the grandkids as I have very little desire to accumulate more things.

And that leads me to my one resolution for 2023. I’m going to get rid of things in a big way. I plan to send precious items to the kids. I plan to update my will. I plan to throw things away and shred papers. I plan to have a huge garage sale by this summer. And I plan to donate items to charity. My first task though is to reorganize my crafting space to accommodate all my new supplies.

My goal for the new year is to be lean and clutter free moving forward. I did one pass through when I first retired, getting rid of a lot of things. But now that I’m in my second year of retirement, I realize how much less I want or need. So, 2023 will be the year I achieve freedom from extra weight and extra stuff.

The past few years have been isolating and difficult for many of us. I know our family has been unable to gather in our home for the holidays since the pandemic conspired with my husband’s colon cancer to keep us apart. It’s been disappointing. I deeply miss the laughter, the hugs, the games, the conversations, the presents, and the breaking of bread together.

While health issues and distance continue to keep us apart for yet another year, I’ll make the best of our “couple’s only” Christmas at home. At my husband’s request, I’m making Cornish hens stuffed with wild rice, basil balsamic green beans and peach cobbler for dessert. I mailed Christmas gifts to the kids and grandkids along with most of those therapeutic hand-painted items I completed. We purchased gifts for each other to open, too, although mine is a Cricut hot press that I chose myself. And just for a fun surprise, I purchased $40 worth of holiday-themed scratchers. It will be fun to see if we win something. I’m planning to speak with all the kids and close family members today to help close the distance between us.

To you readers, please know that I appreciate you taking the time each Sunday to read about my life experiences, my thoughts, reflections, and ideas about how to improve our lives as humans. I pray that there is something in my commitment to be transparent and vocal about life as an older black woman in America that helps or inspires or encourages you.

I wish you a very Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, Happy Kwanzaa, and Happy Holidays. May the joy of the season surround you whether you are alone or surrounded by family and friends. If you feel a bit lonely today, I encourage you to treat yourself well and then to reach out to family and friends who will love hearing from you. I pray that 2023 is better in many ways than 2022.

Along with others, I was deeply saddened by the suicide of TWitch (Stephen Boss). I had followed this young man’s career from his beginning on the dance competition show, “So, You Think You Can Dance” through to his DJ and executive producer position on the “Ellen Show”. He seemed to have it all. He had a charismatic personality, a lucrative career, a beautiful wife and three children, and a star that just kept rising. But obviously he still wasn’t happy enough to want to keep on living. I’ve known how that feels.

I consider myself to be a successful person, too, having worked hard to overcome discrimination and childhood trauma. I have a lovely family, I’m educated, I enjoyed a fulfilling career and I’m financially stable enough to allow me to travel and pursue my passions. My passion has always been to help alleviate human suffering and to help secure social justice for humanity. I’m highly empathetic, deeply feeling the emotional and even physical pain of others. Experiencing sympathy pains was such a frequent occurrence during my adolescence that my mother strongly advised me against pursuing a career in medicine. I’ve never been able to sit by and watch people suffer. So, I’ve spent my entire life fighting against suffering and injustice, worrying about these things, warning and protecting loved ones to avoid danger, and praying about these things.

However, in these last few years it’s been really tough to watch humanity spiral toward hate-fueled destruction of everything I hold dear. The bad actors seem to be gaining ground and hurting more people while so called “Christian evangelicals” are actively working to roll back gains in social justice. And so, while taking our daily walk last week, I found myself confessing to my husband that I’m discouraged by the growing lack of human decency and outright human inhumanity to other humans and the planet. I confessed that if given the choice of whether or not to return to this earth to live another life, I would choose not to. I told him that the only reason I was still here was because of the people I love. I couldn’t hurt him or the children and so I live on and press on.

As the tears flowed down my cheeks, taking him by complete surprise, I confessed that I really needed to ride around the neighborhood at night to see the Christmas lights. I explained that those lights and decorations people put up are expressions of kindness to others. They are meant to feed the soul and I really needed to see them right now. I explained that Christmas lights aren’t put up for the enjoyment of the people inside the home, but for others to see and enjoy. I told him that I really needed to see that right now to feel that there were positive humans in the world. As I was expressing this sentiment, a couple with a home nicely decorated for the holidays, was moving towards their vehicle, apparently on their way to work. I stopped walking, turned to them, and said, “Thank you for decorating your home for Christmas. It really means a lot to me to see your decorations.” They simply smiled and I think my husband thought I had truly lost my mind.

The following week, despite all my prayers, personal tragedy struck our family and I felt yet another wave of discouragement and anguish over life on earth. I had begun painting as a therapeutic measure from the previous week. And so, I just redoubled my painting efforts. I painted nearly all day, every day for about 10 days. I know my husband was worried about me because the only thing worse than seeing the world in turmoil was to see my children in pain. And they were in pain over this unexpected loss. And so was I. I moved quickly from disbelief, to sorrow, to anger at the universe.

On another morning walk a couple of days ago, I reassured my husband that I understood and accepted that life was a mixed bag and that I couldn’t pray myself nor family members out of experiencing the random meteors that strike our lives. I admitted that I thought the universe was just as “mean” as it was generous and that I had to accept that. I explained to him that I had enough joy in life to keep me here and that I knew I had to expect the ugly, the awful, and the painful just as much as I accepted the beauty, the gains, and the lucky breaks. I was thankful that the universe provided the beauty of flowers and trees, delicious foods, creativity in the arts, technological innovation, and the comfort and support of family and friends. With the cruelty came comfort in these things like Christmas lights. They offered me hope for humankind and a restoration of my soul, if I looked for them.

My bout of discouragement ended as I realized that although the universe is cruel and random in its distribution of destruction, I can choose how to respond to it. I’m not clinically depressed, so I can choose to not give in to bitterness, hopelessness, anger, nor resentment. But many are clinically depressed and need to seek help from a mental health professional. Whether through medication or talk therapy, depression can be overcome. I’m thankful for the ability to dial 988 in case of a mental health crisis and I’m sad that TWitch wasn’t in the state of mind to access the help he so desperately needed.

That said, I choose to be a person who puts up Christmas lights to remind other humans that there is kindness, joy, and beauty to be found on this earth. I choose to use my voice and my pen to pursuit social justice. I choose to give to those who are in need. I choose to continue to pray and warn of danger. And I now choose to spend a bit more time looking at the Christmas lights for the strength to continue to fight against the negativity than vows to consume us.

The other day, my husband and I were watching television together when a commercial featuring an affectionate same-sex couple filled the screen. My husband groaned and got up, exclaiming that he can’t watch it. And that’s his right. I groaned too, but for an entirely different reason. I felt frustration and sadness and a renewed desire to help others, who unlike my husband, aren’t willing to at least tolerate an expression of humanity that doesn’t harm others.

But the reality is that we are in a continuing battle to determine how our society will function with its relatively new reversal of legal discrimination against women and every kind of minority group. At the forefront are important issues surrounding the legalized freedoms, equitable treatment, and inclusion of minorities, women, and poor people throughout our society. I admit to being a progressive when it comes to equal access to opportunities, to dignified and just treatment, and to the freedom of human beings to openly express who they are so long as they do not endanger the lives of others.

I’m also a Christian. But no longer in the conservative evangelical Christian sense. I grew up listening to a self-serving chauvinistic view of Christianity that infantilized women, demonized homosexuality, and sanctioned tyranny as God’s order. I think I was about sixteen years old when I began to reject this view of Christianity.

I recall a conversation with my eldest brother after one of those sermons about men being the head of the household and how wives had a Christian duty to obey their husbands and to follow his lead as though they were following Christ Himself. I told my brother that I would never marry if that was the case. I couldn’t understand why God would give me a brain and a will if I wasn’t allowed to use them after I got married. That mindset carried through to their belief that women were unsuitable for leadership over men in the church, the workplace, and in public life. For me, this relegation of women to second class status was without regard to a woman’s intelligence, talent, and wisdom and it was the first crack in the worldview of conservative Christianity.

I was also taught to believe that the wages of sin was eternal damnation in a fiery hell, but that the gift of God was eternal life through the sacrifice of Jesus on the Cross. I was taught that our job as believers was to share this “Good News” to save sinners from their inevitable fate. The difference between evangelical Christians of my youth and those today is that we didn’t try to legally force “sinners” to live as saints or to at least hide their sinful behaviors to make us feel more comfortable in society. In the more conservative society of my youth, we could simply remove ourselves from situations and segments of society that were offensive to us. But things started to change as society loosened its restrictions on what was considered decency and legislatures codified civil liberties around speech, marriage, and access to opportunities.

I recall ministers spending a lot of time telling us what music we couldn’t listen to, what movies we couldn’t watch, which television shows were inappropriate. One time our youth choir was not allowed to sing on a Sunday morning because they were caught enjoying a secret dance party the night before. School became difficult. In fact, I gave up drama class and drama competitions because the material I was being asked to perform was too offensive. Conversations with non-believers became difficult. Parents began home-schooling their children to protect them from exposure. Ministers began preaching against higher education as a corrupting force to be avoided. But I intended to go to college and my family understood higher education was an economic necessity for good employment. The list of restrictions kept growing as society became more openly accepting of the full spectrum of the human condition. Churches began to fracture over what constituted sinful behavior and what didn’t. Conservatives worked to produce contemporary music, movies, television programs, spiritual dance teams, and to build schools that would educate young people.

However, the revelations of sexual and monetary improprieties were exposed among prominent church leaders across the nation, including in my own church. Political pundits stepped in and offered a return to public decency through government. They asserted that this was a “Christian” nation, and that the nation would be destroyed if Americans didn’t repent and return to “God’s ways”. I eventually left what was obviously an institution full of self-righteous hypocrites who had adopted a “do as I say, not as I do” model of leadership. I decided to follow Jesus’ teachings and not those of self-serving controlling men. And once I left, I met decent people who thought differently and lived differently. I took a world religions class in college. I traveled abroad. I experienced secular music and movies and television and broadened my worldview. I learned that I could love and mingle with people from a wide range of backgrounds and not be contaminated by them.

I learned to trust myself and to listen to the voice within to decide how to be a good Christian. I could decide for myself what music and shows inspired and encouraged me to do good and what was a bit too much for me. I gained a different perspective on what sin actually was and wasn’t. I now view sin as intentionally doing harm to others. I discovered that I don’t like violence. I don’t like seeing people intentionally hurting others. I realized that I don’t like things that are too sexually explicit. I don’t like exploitation of any kind. And I especially don’t like the tyranny we are witnessing today.

A tyrannical form of Christianity has joined with white nationalists against freedom-seeking people in a fight over how this society will function moving forward. These white conservative evangelical Christians and white nationalists want to move about freely in the country without having to see gay people, transgender people, or women and people of color in positions of power. They think their bigotry, sugar-coated as morality and “greatness” is more important than other people’s civil liberty and so they vehemently argue that their religious freedom is being challenged by someone else’s same sex marriage or abortion or sex change operation. They demonize teachers who teach equity and inclusion as “groomers” and they think everyone is trying to recruit children into homosexual lifestyles or to confuse them regarding their gender, as if that was even possible.

I realize that their hatred of Jews stems from the prominence of Jews in the media that produces music, movies, and television shows that showcase the spectrum of humanity. They blame Jews for helping with the Civil Rights Movement, for promoting diversity, and for rising to economic power through education and business acumen. White nationalists in particular are frustrated that they are no longer the ones pulling the strings. Their chant in the Charlottesville march was, “Jews will not replace us!” However, in a free-market democracy, those with the capital and the creativity get to produce the products for consumption. This is precisely why they are now willing to terrorize minorities, demonize “wokeness”, and throw out the democracy.

My message to Americans is to first protect the democracy against religious tyranny and white nationalists and then choose with your feet and your pocketbooks what you will consume. If you don’t like abortion, don’t get one. If you don’t like gay marriage, don’t get gay married. If you don’t like sex-changes, don’t have one. If you don’t like violence or explicitly sexual movies. games, and music, don’t consume them. Jesus never forced anyone to follow Him; He was all about our freedom of choice.

Last week, I wrote about the wonderful shows we enjoyed on our trip to New York. But New York is also known for its great variety in dining options. It’s on par with San Francisco, notably the highest ranked city for dining in the country (primarily by me and a few experts). So, I understood that this was going to be fun. I mentioned that my daughter left me in charge of our dining arrangements because of my self-imposed eating restrictions. For this trip, I did ease up on my restrictions on the consumption of animal products, opting for chicken and fish, while also maintaining my intermittent fasting schedule.

That said, I began my research on the internet where I selected top ranked restaurants in Manhattan from a variety of categories that were close to the theater district. I purposely left a few slots open for on the ground recommendations from locals and that strategy didn’t disappoint.

Our food journey began with a recommendation from the door man who stored our bags at the hotel prior to check-in. It was 11am and I was ready to eat. My daughter craved a hamburger, and I craved a relaxed atmosphere post train ride to enjoy a tasty meal. He directed us to one of his favorite spots that is frequented by locals called the Red Flame Diner on West 44th Street, just a few short blocks away. My daughter ordered a burger and onion rings as well as country fries (just to try them). I was happy to see that they had an Impossible burger with French fries on the menu. So, I ordered that. This was a bustling diner with decent service and an extensive menu. We’re not drinkers of soda nor alcohol, so throughout the trip, we only asked for water. The burger was average, but the onion rings and French fries were outstanding. The country potatoes went largely untouched. The pre-tip total for the meal was $45.80. That’s quite a bit for hamburgers. So, on a scale of 1 – 5 stars, I give the Red Flame Diner 3.5 stars.

For dinner, I had made a reservation online through Open Table at Carmines, a highly recommended Italian restaurant, also on W. 44th Street. I didn’t know about the family style portions when I made the reservation. Thankfully, we were seated next to two other couples who, like us, were visitors to the city and were unaware of the huge portions that were to come. The young couple beside us were on an anniversary trip from Virginia and ordered the House salad to start their meal. What came out was a shock to the six of us. They offered to share the salad with us and the other couple who were visiting from Puerto Rico. We gladly accepted. There was more salad than the six of us could consume. We ordered Chicken Lemon over angel pasta for our meal and ended up offering the untouched leftovers to the hotel clerk who was happy for a nice meal from Carmines. Both the salad and chicken entree were delicious. The service was exceptional. The price was reasonable at $50.57 pre-tip. Granted we did have free salad as a starter. I give Carmines 4.5 stars only because I wish they offered a meal option for two. Having to select the same main course was limiting.

The following day, we had reservations at a tiny Chinese Restuarant called Kung Fu Kitchen on 8th Avenue (in Hell’s Kitchen) that I found during my internet search. This place specializes in dumplings and buns and didn’t disappoint. We had guests join us for this meal and we seemed to order nearly everything on the menu because my daughter is really into sampling. My favorites were the green onion pancakes, the chicken and vegetable dumplings, and the noodle stir fry. The restaurant was busy and had a booming take out business. The food easily earns 5 stars, but the ambiance gets only 3 stars as there was nothing pleasing to the eyes about this little hole in the wall.

The opposite is true of the fine dining experience I booked for that evening at Del Frisco’s Double Eagle Steakhouse on Avenue of the Americas. The service was excellent, the ambiance was outstanding, and the food was worth the high cost of every bite. At least that was true for me. We agreed that the dinner salads we ordered were the best we’d ever had. I had a Ceasar, and my daughter had a wedge. But we had divergent experiences with our main courses. My daughter ordered a steak (well-done) and au gratin potatoes. Neither met her expectations. I ordered crab cakes and a baked potato. Both were so delicious that I forced myself to continue eating past being full. (Note to self: listen to the server when she suggests that one crab cake might be adequate.) The blue crab cakes are huge and honestly far better tasting than all the crab cakes I’ve consumed in Maryland. The price tag on this meal was well over $120 each before tip and we only drank tab water. Thankfully, being the frugal person I am, I only scheduled one expensive meal for the trip. Not surprisingly, I give this restaurant the full 5 stars, although my daughter might only give it 4 since she didn’t enjoy her entre as much.

We ate cheese pizza slices from a busy hole in the wall pizza joint that operated like a well-oiled machine and loved it. I enjoyed an almond milk hot chocolate from Starbucks in Times Square while chatting with a Brazilian tourist. We ate with Nicole’s actor clients at Junior’s, a famous diner that has two locations in Manhattan and is extremely busy. The food was unremarkable, but plentiful, earning it 3 stars from me. I think it was bit overpriced as well.

We also ate at Serafina’s on West 49th Street, an Italian restaurant frequented by two of her New York agents. The restaurant was located on the ground level of the Time New York Hotel, just steps away from the theater where the “The Book of Mormon” was showing and where one of the agents had just finished performing when he joined us. I had an incredible mushroom pizza at 9pm. This was the only time I ate past my allowed eating window because I felt it was worth trying a pizza made from ingredients all imported from Italy. My daughter boasted that her simple pasta dish was the best she ever tasted. I give that unknown restaurant 5 stars for great food, great ambiance, beautiful decor, and excellent service.

And finally, we had reservations at Virgil’s Real BBQ in Times Square on West 44th Street. The southern soul food menu and the black wait staff was a refreshing change. I had fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, collard greens, and corn bread. Nicole had ribs and a bunch of sides she wanted to sample. This meal was exceptionally satisfying and priced just right. The ambiance was relaxing, and our server was friendly, honest, and knowledgeable, steering us in the right direction. He was so charismatic that my agent daughter had a private conversation with him afterwards. (Agents are always looking for new talent.) Anyway, it turns out that Vigil’s is a sister restaurant of Carmine’s without the required family sized portions. So, I give Vigil’s Real BBQ the full 5 stars and a promise to return if I’m ever in New York City again.

If and when I do return to New York City, I will also revisit Kung Fu Kitchen and order my favorites. I would spend the money and return to Del Frisco’s and order their Cesar salad and just one crab cake. And I would buy a slice of pizza from any one of the many pizza vendors in the city. Dining in New York City is worth the time, money, and effort to travel there.