Fully Present Post 50

I was scrolling through Tik Tok the other day and ran across a tearful young black father of three whose wife was in the hospital battling COVID-19. He was asking for prayers and a miracle to save her life. I stopped scrolling and offered up a prayer. But soon thereafter, I became frustrated with and disappointed in the human condition that leaves us vulnerable to preventable hardships like what was unfolding for this young family. We occupy this world together and the decisions we make and how we live our lives affects others. Our forefathers recognized this when they wrote the insightful preamble to our Constitution. The responsibility we have as citizens to maintain a balance between the common good and individual liberty makes me happy but also frustrates me.

The preamble reads: “We the people, in order to form a more perfect union, establish justice, ensure domestic tranquility, provide for the common defense, promote the general welfare, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this constitution of the United States of America.” The preamble is simultaneously aspirational, directional, specific, and inspirational. It recognizes the that we are not perfectly united, but that is the direction we must head.

But let’s be real. Clearly, the goal of our nation to establish justice has not been fully realized as we continue to allow the poor and people of color to be over-policed, to receive harsher judicial sentences, to be under educated, and to allow crimes against them to be under-investigated. The injustice is evident when our media makes the disappearance of a white female the subject of national news when black females account for 1/3 of women who go missing and we rarely hear about them. The fact that we continue to allow known criminals like Donald Trump to go unprosecuted while black and brown men rot in jail or die at the hands of police for petty crimes, speaks volumes about our failure to establish justice. We the people must do better by electing better lawmakers who in turn make laws and appoint judges.

Another goal is to ensure domestic tranquility. Tranquility comes when we are all moving in the same direction because we have the same facts from which to make rational decisions. We need to rely on fundamental scientific facts. We need to rely on imperial data. We need to agree that the sky is blue, the earth is round, that we humans are one species, and that germs and viruses exist. A free press was supposed to deliver us reliable information. However, when fundamental truths become infected by speculation, misinformation, and lies for political power, financial gain, or religious persuasion, then our domestic tranquility moves toward divisiveness and away from tranquility. We’ve been here before when domestic tranquility has been disrupted. It was when the actual humanity of black slaves came into question. At that time it took a civil war to resolve that issue, but we are still grappling with the truth of black humanity as seen this past week by the treatment of Haitians at our southern border. We are also grappling with lies about this last election that will make it harder for we the people to vote.

When it comes to providing for the common defense, we have gone a bit overboard by creating the most well-funded and powerful military in the world. However, I don’t believe the founders intended for us to arm private militias that can overthrow our government under the guise of the 2nd Amendment. I believe the 2nd Amendment was meant for the common defense as it says, “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.” Of course, this viewpoint has been pre-empted by the capitalistic gun lobby, hate groups, and right wing Republicans. And as a consequence, we live with the daily carnage of mass shootings in schools, grocery stores, churches, work places, and movie theaters. This free access to guns does the opposite of leading to domestic tranquility and promoting the general welfare.

But returning to our legitimate military, I think they have been tasked to do more than provide for our common defense; they are sent to police the world using our tax payer dollars. I’m for supporting other countries with soft diplomacy, not military force unless we are threatened. For example, I’m glad our military is out of Afghanistan, but I’d like us to provide the aid Afghanistan desperately needs to survive only if the Taliban provides safety and equal rights for women and safety to those who aided Americans in the past. Without these guaranteed safeguards there should be no foreign aid.

The role of the government as laid out by this preamble is to promote the general welfare. Can we acknowledge that human beings left to their own devices will sometimes act selfishly in ways that harm others? I’m thankful to live in a country where we can fight over the issue of individual rights versus the common good, but it can be counterproductive, too. Some countries don’t leave this up for debate, so their response to a public health crisis is swifter and often more effective. When it comes to COVID-19, I think it is past time for our government to put its foot down and as a matter of the general welfare, mandate masks and vaccines. The science is clear on the matter and reasonable people understand that individual liberty ends when there is a strong likelihood that individual reckless behavior will harm others. We put in mandates against drunk driving, against smoking in public spaces, and against falsely screaming fire in a crowded space. There should also be laws against spreading false lies about elections, about health issues, and false remedies. We have libel and defamation laws to protect individuals from false accusations. But it is high time to create laws against knowingly creating and spreading false information that is detrimental to the general welfare and undermines our system of government. These laws should be particularly targeted at public officials and those who hold public trust positions like doctors and the news media.

Was it intentional that the writers of the preamble made personal liberty last? I think so. It makes perfect sense that it is only after we have secured our common good that the writers of the preamble added the security of the blessings of liberty for ourselves and our posterity. Those blessings can only be enjoyed after the common good has been attended to. Otherwise, if we allow personal liberty to take priority over the common good, we will all end up in tears like the young black man on Tik Tok.

I was struck by former President Bush’s characterization of Trump insurrectionists as being possessed by the same evil spirit as the 9/11 attackers. As a lifelong Christian who spent several years attending an evangelical church in the 1980s and early 1990s, I understood what he was saying. I witnessed with my own eyes how the church steadily became fertile ground for the Republican Party to create its own zealous army. I saw the first breakthrough in my church when one prominent member became political.

I recall listening to his provocative proclamation that America was a Christian nation. He said that the founders were all Christians. He claimed that America was chosen by God as a beacon of light for the nations. He claimed that there was really no such thing as a separation of church and state. Then, he also said that our nation was in danger of God’s judgement if we allowed the sins of abortion and homosexuality to continue.

Gradually pastors began to take up the conservative cause primarily using the old testament scripture, “If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then will I hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. ” (2 Chronicles 7:14) This scripture became a call for national salvation as opposed to personal salvation. Jesus did not teach a national salvation or that God was still in the business of judging nations. Scriptures like, ” For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.” (Psalms 139:13-16) were used to argue that abortion was murder. And multiple scriptures against homosexuality were invoked, especially how God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah because of it.

As churches became more active in their support of Republican candidates and its agenda to “save” America from God’s judgment, I was learning more in graduate school about American and world history. I was learning about other worldviews and I was learning to think critically about ideas presented to me in the media, from the lectern, and from the pulpit. I came to reject the core ideas behind the move to “save” America as the history of America itself belied the notion that this was in fact a Christian nation, that it was ever a Godly beacon of righteousness, and that the founders were all Christians. I saw the horrifically bloody history of state mandated religions and the historical folly of violently forcing one group’s religious rules onto non-believers. I also started reading scripture with a more critical eye. It is no wonder that conservatives have raged war on Universities and now on critical race theory. The truth, critical thinking, and even common sense are a threat to the nonsense they are promoting.

I finally recognized that the scriptures evangelicals pointed to against abortion didn’t support their stance of murder of a living soul, but that abortion was the interruption of a body being formed in the womb, an occurrence that more often happens naturally in the form of miscarriage. I recognized that immorality wasn’t limited to sexual behaviors, but included lying, idolatry, and greed. And most importantly, the only judge and punisher of these immoral behaviors was God and that on an individual scale, not a national one. In this all out effort to “save” America from abortion and homosexuality, evangelical Christians pretty much abandoned the gospel of Jesus Christ that calls for personal salvation, love of neighbor, the stranger, and our enemies. Jesus called for generosity, kindness and hospitality to the poor, immigrants, imprisoned, and distressed. The Republican Party platform represents the opposite.

Evangelicals would do well to listen to these words spoken by Jesus, “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. 22 On that day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name, and cast out demons in your name, and do many mighty works in your name?’ 23 And then will I declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from me, you workers of lawlessness.’. Matthew 7:21-23 What law did they break? The law that Jesus Himself gave us: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’ and ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'” Luke 10:27.

It has become apparent to most onlookers that the evangelical Christian community no longer operates from a place of love, but a place of political ambition, idolatry, and tyranny based on a corrupted notion of following Christ. Their idea of freedom has been distorted to include their freedom to carry guns, to be xenophobic, to be homophobic, to go unmasked during a pandemic, to ignore climate change science, to prevent democrats from voting, and to force their interpretation of narrow pieces of the Bible onto others. They have embraced lying, cheating, meanness, and especially the liar who leads the Republican Party. They willingly fight to limit the human and constitutional rights of others, unwittingly misinterpreting both the Bible and the Constitution.

Republican strategists did a good job picking vulnerable segments of society to use as their army to strengthen their political aspirations. They picked people who were primed to believe what they are told without evidence. They picked people who were primed to believe that the person standing in the pulpit is God’s representative. They picked people who were primed to believe that they have the lock on godliness, when in reality they have become possessed by the same evil spirit that has lead to bloodshed and heartache throughout the human history. Combining white supremacy groups with evangelical Christians, the Republicans, lead by Trump, have forged a very dangerous coalition that is no different from Hilter and the Nazis, ISIS, Al Kaida, or the Taliban. As Bush said, they are possessed by the same evil spirit.

My prayer for my evangelical brothers and sisters is that they will allow the truth to free their minds and their bodies from the evil spirts who are leading them astray as sheep to the slaughter. Who of their family and friends is brave enough to expose them to history, a critical read of the Bible, and a run through of the Constitution? If no will speak the truth to them, then another civil war is in our future.

Anyone who lives on planet earth for a period of time cannot escape the grief that accompanies the death of a loved one. For many of us this pandemic has challenged our capacity to process grief as funeral gatherings can become super spreader events. I’m deep in the feels and mental state of grief right now. On Friday I received an email about the death of a beloved sorority sister who had not publicly disclosed the depth of her illness. The month before, a former student who had worked in my office from her freshman year through graduation fell to her death while free-climbing in Peru. And then, all week our media conjured up the images of 9/11 in preparation of the 20 year anniversary. Death is inevitable but how we handle grief varies from person to person.

I realized early on that if I choose to love people, I was also choosing eventual periods of grief. I determined for myself that loving others was the very essence of my existence and so I would love anyway and that I would give myself fully to those I love, knowing that the deeper that love, the harsher the grief. Admittedly, it is a risk that fills me with fear. And the only thing I truly fear in this life is the death of my loved ones. Given the inescapable tragedy of love and loss, I developed my own philosophy around death and a method for myself to deal with grief.

I’ll start with my philosophy. Admittedly, the better word would be mythology because philosophy is based on rational investigation and mythology is based on unproven beliefs. As an academic I prefer the word philosophy even though the things I tell myself and act on regarding the deceased are based on a collection of religious teachings, world views, and personal experiences. At the foundation of my belief is that we are souls residing in temporary, highly vulnerable bodies. I believe some people are new souls and others are older souls. I believe the soul is the lifeforce that never dies once it is breathed into existence by God. I tell myself that the soul of my loved ones continue on as either a part of that cloud of witnesses, in darkness awaiting judgement, or as a newborn human being. At times, I’m convinced that my soul was here before. I truly hope that when I leave this body this time that I get to become part of that cloud of witnesses. So, if this is what I believe, why is grief such a big deal?

Grief is about the living having to deal with the pain of losing an emotional and physical connection with a person we’ve grown attached to. I’ve decided to celebrate the passing of loved ones who have enjoyed a long life. After age 80 I only smile and feel a sense of gratitude for the presence of that person in my life and an appreciation for all they have experienced of life. I refuse to grieve the passing of people whose presence on earth has only caused pain and suffering to others. Admittedly, my “mental” pain is lessoned a bit when death means that a suffering loved one is no longer suffering. However, I can never escape the emotional grief caused by the premature death of decent people I love, even when their suffering has ended. Although it does not make grieving any easier, I’ve come to understand the roots of my grief and how to deal with it.

It starts with my belief that once a soul enters a physical body at birth it takes time to learn about oneself and the world, to develop capabilities within the limits of that body, to form social attachments, and to eventually contribute to society. Along the way, there is so much to experience and enjoy in the world. Early death short changes the potential for joyful life experiences, thwarts purpose, and robs loved ones of an important human connection. There is much satisfaction in finding and fulfilling purpose and experiencing life that when that process is cut short, it just feels so wrong. Part of my grief is empathizing with disappointment on behalf of the person who passed away and the other part is missing the connection with that person. Even if a soul returns, they will never again return to the same body. The genetics, the cultural society, the family situation will all be different and hence a different person will emerge.

So, today I am mourning the passing of my two friends who died too early as well as the innocent lives loss on 9/11. I’ve learned to allow myself time and space to process the thoughts and emotions that emerge. Sometimes the emotion is frustration. Sometimes it is anger. Other times it is just an aching sadness that causes a lump in my throat and uncontrollable tears. Sometimes the dead person appears in my dreams for a conversation. Often, it is a heartwarming memory of that person and a sense of gratitude for what they added to my life, what they contributed to society, what they did experience, and what they accomplished in their short lifetime. Sometimes, upon reflection of who they were, I adopt some of the positive aspects of their lives, making me a better person. And other times, I’ve taken on a mission to eradicate the tragic cause of their death so that fewer people will suffer from similar circumstances. And at times, I’ve had to forgive the person that caused the death by making a fatal decision. And yes, sometimes it is the dead person who has to be forgiven.

I’ve learned from the example of others not to attempt to short change grief by burying it, running away from it, or seeking revenge. The price paid for loving others is grief and it is a dreadful emotion that demands our time and attention and saps our energy. We must give it its due if we are to navigate it without getting stuck in the living hell that is resentment, depression, revenge seeking, or substance abuse.

For me, I’ve developed myths around death and life and I allow myself to feel what I’m feeling and to think what I’m thinking and to do what I believe needs doing. I allow myself these three things as part of the grieving process without time limits and without judgment. Love costs and the price we pay for loving someone may be grief.

Just before I got married, I went to see my doctor to obtain a diaphragm to prevent pregnancy. We had plans to enjoy a few years together while establishing ourselves financially to start a family. I used my new diaphragm and felt confident that it was doing its job, so much so that it took five trips to the doctor for “indigestion” and “nausea” and my insistence that no, I couldn’t possibly be pregnant, for a doctor to finally say, “Let’s do a pregnancy test anyway.” And sure enough I was pregnant! Although, not in our immediate plans, we were happy about the news and happily welcomed our first baby girl. But not everyone who gets pregnant unexpectedly is in the emotional or financial or supportive network situation I enjoyed back in 1978. For those women, abortion was and should remain a viable option.

Admittedly, my attitudes about abortion have evolved. Back then I blindly followed the teachings from my conservative white evangelical pastors who were pro-life when it came to abortion, thinking like others today, that they were speaking on behalf of the Almighty. It took several sexual scandals and public moral failings among these men to disabuse me of this notion and I changed from being a follower of a pastor to a follower of Christ’ actual teachings. Among those changes in my belief system was about abortion.

I think it is a good thing that women today have better options to avoid pregnancy altogether, so I was shocked by the ridiculous Texas law that allows individuals to sue people whom they suspect of helping a woman obtain an abortion after 6 weeks of pregnancy. Huh? My first thought when I heard the news was anger at how intrusive the religious right and the Republicans in Texas are into the lives of women by insisting that women, whom they don’t even know nor care about, proceed with an unwanted pregnancy as if that is somehow a noble thing in support of human life. These so call “freedom loving patriots” are happy to force their beliefs on others without compassion nor critical thinking nor any thought to the freedom and lives of others.

It is widely known that giving birth is actually more life-threatening that surgical or medical abortion. And this is especially true in Texas. Close observers will note that nationally maternal deaths among Black women in particular is nearly 4 times higher than that of white women, and 10-17 times higher in the southern states like Texas. (The United States Maternal Mortality Rate Will Continue To Increase Without Access To Data | Health Affairs) One could easily argue that this isn’t a fight for the lives of the unborn, but an additional assault on the lives of black women who account for about a third of abortions in the country. Does anyone really believe that these white conservative lawmakers want to see a lot more black babies being born? I don’t.

I’ve made my view on abortion clear in past posts. To recap, I view life as beginning with breath and the ability of a fetus to take a breath. I believe the womb is a place of formation and that a fetus doesn’t become a living soul until the breath of life. In Bible scripture we read that it wasn’t until God breathed life into the body of Adam, which He had formed out of dust of the earth, that Adam became a living soul. It is likely true that the midwifes in the early days of our nation, most of whom were black women and who regularly performed abortions before white doctors literally drove them out of the profession, believed the same thing. The idea that life begins at conception is pretty new. And it really makes little sense. If these pro-lifers truly believed that, then they should be having funerals for every miscarriage a woman has. Do they even realize that between 10-20 percent of known pregnancies end in naturally occurring miscarriage? Many more women miscarry before they even know they are pregnant.

While I am outraged by this new law and the likelihood that it will spread to other Republican lead states, I realize that we can do a better job educating our daughters, granddaughters, nieces, cousins, and girlfriends about their alternatives so that surgical abortion isn’t even necessary in most cases. In this day and age, I won’t bother to make a case for abstinence. So, first, there is contraception. Yes, it sometimes fails, but for the most part, it is quite effective. Second, there is the Plan B pill for those unexpected sexual encounters. Plan B prevents pregnancy from happening in the event unprotected sex. Third, there are safe drugs to induce abortion if taken in the first eight weeks of pregnancy. The cynic in me says this new law benefits big pharma who will sell a lot more of these products.

It is necessary in the face of these draconian laws to preserve surgical abortion for those sad cases when the mother’s life is in danger or those rare cases of indecision due to changing circumstances or utter surprise. According to the CDC, abortion rates have been declining for years and that 92.2% of surgical abortions occur prior to 13 weeks gestation. That’s a good thing, but we can continue to do better if we educate and encourage the other women in our lives, particularly those in their 20’s who make up almost 58% of surgical abortions about the other options. It looks like denial, procrastination, immaturity, lack of access, and perhaps ignorance are the primary culprits that we should be addressing proactively so that we can collectively avoid an influx of unwelcome babies that we’ll all have to support.

And finally, to the religious pro-lifers who insist that abortion is murder and must be stopped at all costs, I would ask them to consider the lives of the young women involved, the fathers, and the innocent babies they are forcing to be born into circumstances that are far from ideal. These same legislators who restrict abortion also refuse adequate support for food, healthcare, childcare, and education, essentially condemning these women and their children to probable poverty. So, if care for life is really all that important, then please begin by 1) supporting sex education and contraception, 2) improving maternal care for black women, 3) ensuring adequate support resources, and 4) for all our sakes, get vaccinated and wear a mask in public and mandate the wearing of mask in schools.

I can’t watch a boxing match. I feel physically ill when I observe that kind of violence. However, as much as I abhor violence, I understand that violence in defense of life and human rights is sometimes required because we live among violent-prone bullies who will assert their will upon the weak, the unwitting, the cowardly, and the passive. The swift takeover by the Taliban in Afghanistan is but one example of what can happen when good people refuse to fight.

Unsettling emotions surfaced while I watched the situation unfold in Kabul. The Taliban rolled in, the president fled, and the army surrendered without putting up a fight. The investment of our blood and treasure over 20 years went up in smoke without resistance. That angered me. The reality that the Taliban bullies are back in charge, leaving an entire nation vulnerable to their brutality and the oppression of women is infuriating. Beyond my initial anger, I feel deeply disappointed in, sad and worried for the people of Afghanistan. I want everyone who wants out of that nation to be able to leave so the Taliban can rule only likeminded citizens. That’s not going to happen. But what can be done when the people aren’t willing to fight for themselves? Perhaps we overestimated their desire for freedom. Perhaps we superimposed our value of female empowerment onto a culture that devalues the lives of women. Perhaps we were wrong to stay there to try to build a nation where we knew corruption was core to its operations. We picked the wrong fight but that doesn’t mean every fight is wrong.

In our own nation, a battle is brewing over whether or not we will allow 30% of Americans to determine how 70% of us will live. These few Americans are our own Taliban. A few of them are gun-toting extremists who are trying overthrow the government. The others are trying to limit voting rights to strengthen and maintain their power. They’ve already taken over our courts through strategic and blatantly hypocritic means. They clothe themselves in Christianity and the American flag, but they are actually anti-science, anti-humanity, anti-history, and anti-freedom. They behave in opposition to the ideals of Christ and American democratic values. Like the Taliban, they are hoping that we will simply hand over the keys to the kingdom and live under their oppressive rule.

Like many of the Taliban foot soldiers, their army of armed insurrectionist are gullible, buying into the lie that white skin makes them superior, that God will override the laws of nature He Himself created because of their prayers, and that their freedoms are being infringed upon by gay marriage, immigrants, wearing masks during a pandemic, and women who aren’t willing to give birth. They are told to ridicule segments of the society like Muslims, blacks, gays, and especially Jews. With COVID-19, they added Asians to their list of people to target.

Like I said before, I hate violence. But I recognize that the only defense against an enemy who threatens our lives through violent means is a show of our resolve to fight with greater force. For right now, our greatest weapon is the vote.

In California, we have been called to arms in the coming weeks to protect ourselves against a ridiculous Republican led recall election. We have to fight to defend ourselves against Republican Taliban and Trump supporter Larry Elder. Looking at Elder’s remarks and values, it is clear that he is the epitome of anti-humanity, anti-environment and in my view, Anti-Christian and Anti-American values. We have a fight on our hands and we can’t afford to lay down our arms (the vote) like the army in Afghanistan or we will suffer the oppression of Republican rule like in Texas and Florida.

All it will take for California and eventually America to fall in the hands of the American Taliban is to surrender our arms without a fight. And at this moment, our greatest weapon of defense is the vote. If we lose that, then I shutter to think what another civil war will look like. Let’s not allow it to come to that.

Just prior to take off on my American Airlines flight to Kansas a few weeks ago, the pilot announced that facial masks must be worn during the entire flight, except while eating or drinking. He then proceeded to urge passengers not to take out their frustration on the flight attendants as this was a federal regulation. And furthermore, he joked that if you have to act out your anger over wearing a mask, you should fly Southwest or Delta instead. I laughed along with everyone around me. Thankfully, there was no mask rebellion on the flight.

However, what the pilot was speaking to is a serious problem we are facing in our society. It seems that some people have forgotten how to play well with others. Or is it that the few selfish, inconsiderate, domineering, and bullies among us feel emboldened since Trump? I believe the latter to be true. At this point, the question may not be about how we got here, but how we restore a sense of collective responsibility and care for one another? How do we stop these few bad apples from destroying civility, democracy, the environment, and public health?

Perhaps we need to return to kindergarten where we had our first introduction to society. Kindergarten is where we learned to share and to take turns. We learned that we were not an island unto ourselves and that the needs of the group had to be considered. We learned to wait for our turn. Kindergarten gave us our first taste of the concept of fairness and orderliness. Of course, how we also learned the consequences of inappropriate social behaviors in kindergarten depends on the reader’s age. Anti-social behavior was met by either a slap on the hand or a time out. Sometimes parents were informed. The point is that the disruptive class clown and the bully were not rewarded for their antics. However, social media has upset these necessary social lessons.

Without realizing it, our society gave free reign to clowns and bullies who are hellbent on acting on their character deficits to our collective detriment. The insecure, the selfish, the inconsiderate, the ignorant, the power hungry, the greedy, and the hateful people have always been among us. It’s just that we have allowed their voices to be amplified through social media and then their outrageous antics attract news media coverage. I recall how Donald Trump’s ridiculous lies, racist and sexist comments, and insults hurled at his political opponents became big news. Then candidate Trump was calling into the Today Show almost daily and they took his calls on air. The bully was no longer given a time out nor a slap on the risk, but a multifaceted platform on television, Facebook, and especially Twitter. All manner of lies, misinformation, and nastiness were elevated.

We collectively failed to secure the guard rails around our social contract with one another and now the anti-social among us are running rampant, clothing themselves in a false narrative of personal “freedom”. Governor Ron DeSantis, Senator Rand Paul, Congresswoman Margorie Taylor Greene, and Governor Greg Abbott all fit that bill and are causing great harm to public health efforts. The Republican Party itself has been co-opted by this minority of anti-social/anti-democratic people who are loud, belligerent, violent, and largely uneducated. The My Pillow Guy, Mike Lindell, is a perfect example of how an individual can spread lies and threaten to co-opt our democracy. However, the most ridiculous example I’ve seen to date are the parents fighting and threatening school board members over school masking requirements. I’m hopeful that these parents against masking in schools during a pandemic are simply ignorant and not homicidal. Whichever it is, no parent has the right to endanger the lives of others under the guise of their parental rights. Apparently this common sense notion that brought us laws against drinking and driving and smoking in public places is lost on these short-sighted individualists.

Bible readers know that when Cain killed his brother Abel, God asked him where his brother was. Cain cynically replied, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” We know from God’s response to Cain and from the Gospel of Jesus Christ, that the clear and unequivocal answer is, “YES!” The answer is yes because we must live in community together and we affect each other. We share the earth, the air, the water, and every other resource necessary to live.

So, it is time for those of us who recall our lessons from kindergarten to restore the guard rails to curtail the behavior of the ignorant, the selfish, the power hungry, the greedy, the inconsiderate, the bullies, and especially the homicidal by A) refusing to vote for them B) calling them out publicly on social media C) refusing to support media platforms that amplify their voices and D) boycotting their products.

Am I endorsing what some have coined a “cancel culture”. I guess I am. And honestly, I’m inclined to believe that the trend toward labeling demands for reasonable social guard rails as “cancel culture” is a ploy by the clowns and bullies to silence their detractors so they can run rampant. The time to reclaim a civil and social society where we recognize that to some extent, we are in very practical terms, our brother’s keeper.

My mother passed away from breast cancer the year I turned thirty-five. We enjoyed a close and positive relationship and so it made sense that I assumed the blessing of caring for her in my home during her final weeks.  I am especially grateful that my mother and I had escaped the mother-daughter conflict so many experience. As adult mother and daughter, we spent nearly every day on the phone simply chatting.  We went on all day shopping trips.  She stayed with me for a week after the birth of each child and was my number one babysitter.  She was my sounding board and allowed me to be hers. She was my biggest supporter and I was hers. I realize now that our relationship was somewhat unique.  Since I’ve witnessed so many toxic mother-daughter relationships among people close to me, I thought sharing my story might reveal lessons I gleaned from my mother that helped me with my own daughters.

I should admit right off that my mother and I shared in the trauma caused by my alcoholic and violent father.  That experience made me especially protective of my mother because I feared losing her.  Those terrifying years made me grow up way too fast, taking on responsibility and an emotional support role that wasn’t healthy.  Probably, as a consequence of this shared trauma, I was never the rebellious, thrill-seeking teen and she was never the control freak. Despite our awful home life, she managed to provide me with healthy boundaries and high expectations, which I met.  So much so that when I graduated with my bachelor’s degree in business, I actually felt like I had fulfilled my last obligation as her child and I said so.

Soon afterward, I enrolled myself in a 12-Step program for adult children of alcoholics to help me understand my “perfectionist” tendencies and to free myself of my resentment toward my father, and to some extent toward my mother for being in an abusive relationship.  I wanted to understand why I wasn’t a risk-taker and why I was hyper-responsible and so unlike many of my friends. That program led to deep conversations with my parents wherein I was able to forgive my father and to understand my mother.  The person who gained the most freedom from the trauma was me.  I better understood human weakness, addiction, poor decision making, co-dependency, and the release that comes from forgiveness and letting go.  I truly believe that this 12-step process freed me to enjoy future relationships, not just with both my parents, but with others.  It even helped me maintain a positive relationship with my ex-husband so that our kids could enjoy a wholesome relationship with their dad post-divorce.  A therapist once said of the circumstances surrounding my divorce that I was too forgiving of human failures that hurt me, but I disagree.   Forgiveness is about freedom from emotional baggage that leads to destructive behaviors. It doesn’t dismiss accountability nor does it cause amnesia.

Because of that 12 Step program and my mother’s honesty, we transitioned smoothly from the parent-child relationship to true friendship.  She filled the role as my best friend, role model, mentor, and advisor until she fell ill.  However, I’m certain my mother worried about me until the day she died.  But she never allowed her worry to become a move to control me by undermining my self-confidence. I think this might be where so many of us mothers with daughters go wrong.  Instead of active listening and supporting, we try to continue directing the lives of our daughters through criticism, emotional manipulation, and the withholding approval and support.  I see it all the time and it damages the mother-daughter relationship. As social beings, the desire for approval never disappears and so I find that we mothers must remind our young adult daughters that their self-approval is far more important than ours.

I have two biological daughters that I raised and one step-daughter whom I did not raise. Like any good mother, I love them dearly and worry about them obsessively.  I want the best for them. I want them to be safe. I want them to succeed. I want them to be healthy. I want them to be confident, independent women. As a caring mom with more life experience, I want them to avoid the problems, pitfalls, and mistakes common to being human.  I also want the kind of positive mother-daughter relationship I enjoyed with my mother.  

To accomplish this, I first had to realize that my daughters are not me and that we did not share an early trauma where they felt a need to protect me and to be hyper-responsible.  I’m glad about that, but it did mean that our transition to friendship would be different from my mother’s and mine.  I set the same healthy boundaries and high expectations my mother set for me.  But what I didn’t realize until later is that my perfectionist tendencies, although never explicitly forced upon my daughters, were nevertheless perceived by them as my standard of approval.  

It took several years, particularly with my oldest daughter, to undo her perception of an expectation of perfection that I never had.  She “mistakenly” saw me as perfect.  In many heated discussions, I had to disabuse her of the notion that I was perfect and that I expected perfection from her.  I had to repeatedly insist that she didn’t need my approval, but her own. I came to realize that because of my grossly imperfect childhood, I strove to make a childhood for my children that was ideal.  To her, I was “perfect” and had created a “perfect” home and a “perfect” childhood for them.  So, the measure for my approval in her mind was perfection.  No wonder she was the perfect child!  Like me, she never rebelled and never engaged in thrill-seeking.  In fact, none of my children went through rebellion, but the younger two were greater risktakers.  Thankfully, they survived.

The point is that there is no such thing as a “perfect” mother.  Mothers are human and human beings have an affect on other human beings without ever trying to.  I’m convinced that every mother from the perspective of her daughter will need to be forgiven for something!  We need to accept this as a fact and be humble enough to either seek forgiveness or accept responsibility for the harm we caused so our daughters (and sons) are emotionally free. Trying to defend ourselves or denying our shortcomings (real or perceived) only harms the relationship, poisoning any hope for a healthy adult mother-daughter friendship. Today my daughters clearly see that I am only human and we can laugh about it.

I’m grateful that I have a wonderful relationship with all three daughters.  I believe that the key to our open and easy relationships is that like my mother, I resist the temptation to try to continue to parent them.  I worry, but don’t control.  I listen, provide advice when asked, and share my experiences. I ask questions.  When I go to far, they stop me. And I let them know when I’m worried that it is because I love them and want the best for them and not because I don’t trust them.  Mothers worry. That never ends. I treat them like the adults that they are and respect their decisions, keeping my mouth shut when I would make a different choice.  Like my mother, I dole out unconditional love and support and express my willingness to help them if they need it without any strings attached.  However, I prefer to provide loans if needed as opposed to charity because they are responsible adults and I want to avoid reverting to childhood dependency.

The mother-daughter relationship can be difficult.  I think mothers harm the relationship when they seek to control instead of support during the transition from childhood to adulthood.  I think daughters harm the relationship when they hold onto the past and fail to forgive the human failings of their mothers.  On both sides, open communication, forgiveness, trust, and mutual respect will improve or preserve a positive mother-daughter relationship.

At the sound of distress from the people I love, I tend to jump into action. That’s how I unexpectedly ended up in Lawrence, Kansas this week to care for my new grandson and his parents. As God or fate would have it, my son and his wife found themselves in a childcare bind that coincidentally matched a small window of cancer treatment break for my husband. The only thing I had to reschedule to hop on a plane was the colonoscopy I had been waiting for since February. But this was my opportunity to meet my new grandson while also solving a distressing problem for my son and his wife.

My nursing daughter-in-law has to spend a month in Kansas for work and so after the first week together in a hotel, my son flew back to Philadelphia to collect the dog and the nannie who flew in from Columbia and then drive them the 16 hours over two days to Kansas to reunite the entire family. I was needed to fill in the gap until my son arrived with the dog and the new nannie so my daughter-in-law could work.

I spent the first two days in the hotel room with my grandson, occasionally taking him for walks to the nearby Sprouts and Walmart for food and supplies. It was hot, so our trips were in the early morning after seeing mom off for the day. I was surprised that taking care of my 4 month old grandson was like riding a bike. I knew what to do, how to do it, and we get along famously. I bought him some toys, books, and introduced him to nursery rhymes and even my BTS music. He’s a very social baby, a classic extrovert which I find to be a bit tiring. But great love and empathy is getting me through.

Friday night, we moved into an AirbnB house my son pre-arranged before he left. There were only two housing choices that would allow the dog. And the polite way of expressing my dismay at this old house is to say that I’m unimpressed. Everything is old and in need of updating. But to it’s credit, the place is clean, has central air and WiFi which makes it bearable. While I refuse to complain, I’m determined to make this place comfortable for everyone. I’ve stayed at a lot of rental houses over the years for vacations or retreats and none have been as ill-equipped as this one. Had I known it was going to be missing so many basics, I would have shopped differently in Walmart during my one chance before my son arrives.

It was while making dinner that I began to notice things. There was no salt and pepper. There were no serving bowls. There was no aluminum foil or plastic wrap, and most importantly, there was no table. In fact, there were no table surfaces in the entire house. I checked all the closets to see if there was a folding table or TV trays. Nothing. So, we sat in the master bedroom on the only two chairs in the entire house and ate with the plates on our laps. The living room has two sofas and a TV resting atop an old headboard.

I realized that the situation without tables was not going to work. My son has to work from here for the next three weeks. They will need a table to write, to set laptops on, and to eat. I need a table and chair from which to practice my calligraphy properly.

Thankfully, my son is a pretty good negotiator and had no qualms about asking the owner to pay for a set of four TV tables that can stay and be used by subsequent guests. The owner agreed. However, my frugal son was adamant that he didn’t want to purchase items that he would have to leave here.

I guess this is where we differ. I had already decided that if needed I would purchase the TV tables, the aluminum foil, the plastic wrap, a serving platter, baking sheet and salt and pepper and just “gift” them to the house after my family enjoyed them for the rest of the month.

I value caring for my loved ones using the resources I have available to meet comfortable standards. My son and his wife are Peace Corp alumni so they are more comfortable getting by on less. And honestly, my son has been conservative with his money his entire life, so I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m about to spend my money to make this place more livable for them after I return home on Tuesday. Having the money and deciding how to use it is a value judgement. I’m just thankful to be the position to even have this choice. My son will benefit and so will future guests.

My hope is that this experience turns into a life lesson for my son. I want him to consider how it is also a good thing to provide “financial” blessings beyond just your loved ones when you have the financial resources to do so. In this world today, we need more people who are willing when able to care for others.

After I became fully vaccinated, I never took off my mask in public places. Instead I purchased masks from Amazon that clearly indicated that I was vaccinated for a few reasons. First, I needed to protect my husband who is medically compromised so I wanted to mitigate my exposure. Second, I wanted to encourage others to also get vaccinated, particularly other African Americans like myself because we have low vaccination rates in my county. And finally, I wanted to ensure people didn’t mistake me for an anti-vaccine person because I was still wearing a mask. Until this week, I hadn’t viewed my desire to protect the common welfare as a pro-social act. But it is. As an introvert, I’m no social butterfly like my daughters. I used to think anti-social behavior was about avoiding social gatherings and I didn’t like that about myself. But now I realize that this is only one meaning of the word. I learned that the meaning of anti-social behavior has a whole other definition.

Events of this week highlighted the destructive, yet obstinate behavior of some people. In light of the new Delta variant, mask restrictions for indoor activities became necessary again and a stronger push for vaccines became evident. But some people are displaying their anti-social dispositions by filing lawsuits against mask mandates in schools, mounting protests against restrictions, acting out on flights, and even refusing to wear masks indoors or to get vaccinated. Even in my local Target, I saw individuals without masks this week with looks of defiance on their faces. To me, people like this display the same selfishness, lack of morality, and lack of social responsibility as criminals who vandalize, scam, steal, rape, and murder anyone in their path. I looked for a definition for the kind of behavior I was seeing and I came up with “anti-social”. To my surprise, that word hit the mark.

The summary of multiple dictionary definitions for the other meaning of anti-social is: acting in a way that is detrimental to society. It seems that we have a growing number of individuals among us who can accurately be described as “anti-social”. Some are our neighbors, family members, television and radio commentators, and Republican House members like Marjorie Taylor-Green (Georgia), Jim Jordan (Ohio) and Matt Gaetz (Florida). Senator Rand Paul (Kentucky) can be labeled as anti-social for his dangerous rhetoric. And of course Florida Governor Ron Desantis is in this category because of his homicidal policies, outlawing mask mandates. Bullies and purveyors of false information who use television and social media platforms to spread their garbage are anti-social people. And the consequences of these anti-social individuals not only destroys our notion of common decency and safe communities, but the consequences are deadly.

So, what to do? A member of one of my Facebook groups who identified as an older man asked what we should do about people who make rude and nasty comments about others. Some said to ignore them and to model better behavior. Others said it’s not worth raging at them. I thought about it. The answer cannot simply be to pretend like these anti-social people do not exist. I think it makes them act even more outrageously because they are seeking attention and to these people, silence is consent. So they will do whatever they want to get what they want whether it is money, fame, or to feed a destructive addiction unless they are stopped. The problem is that anti-social people become louder and more obnoxious in their behavior if they face little to no consequences for their actions. And we face bigger problems when young people see anti-social people get away with their destructive antics. They feel increasingly unsafe and the few anti-social among them will think it is okay to behave that way. We have seen this first hand.

It should come as no surprise to us that when the media gave Trump a platform to spew lies, bully his opponents, hurl insults, and promote false narratives, others have followed. We now have an epidemic of anti-social behavior alongside a growing mental health crisis and out of control violence. It is time to restore our social contract that we learned in kindergarten. That contract included common decency, courtesy, mutual respect and consideration for others.

I think in our families, work places, social media circles, friendship circles, political lives, and media choices, we must insist on pro-social behaviors that will not destroy the fabric of our general welfare. I don’t think we can afford to ignore those who make destructive comments, who refuse to wear protective masks and get vaccinated, and who knowingly spread false information. Nor can we afford to de-fund the police and release violent criminals from prison early. The kid gloves of the greater society need to come off and consequences have to be doled out to anti-social individuals. House members who make false and offensive statements should be fined and censored. Airline passengers who refuse mask mandates or fight with flight attendants should be fined and banned from future flights. Rude comments on social media should be tagged as rude and unacceptable by “friends” and spreaders of false information should be sued when they cause harm to others who followed their lies. Communities need to ban together to rid themselves of the thieves, bullies, and violent criminals among them. And sometimes that means mothers need to do what is right for society when their sons do wrong.

We’re living in the society we collectively shaped. Personally, I hate what I’m seeing and I want to change it. Biden was right when he said this is a battle for the soul of America. After electing an anti-social president, our society is suffering the consequences of those four years. I’m hopeful that there are more people who are pro-social than anti-social and that we pro-social folks will become more forceful in our insistence on building a stronger and better society that promotes the general welfare.

As a human among other humans, I’ve always felt personally responsible for how good or bad things are in my community. And with that heartfelt conviction, I’ve dedicated time, finances, and energy to actively taking part to make things better. From an early age, I hated four things in particular: violence, needless human suffering, injustice, and eye sores.

I am thankful to have had a mother who convinced the eleven year old me that my thoughts, words, and actions mattered. My mother encouraged, empowered and enabled me to follow my passions in service to people. I have my church members to thank for allowing the pre-teen me to recite original poetry, share opinions, sing in the choir, and to write plays to be performed. I have my teachers to thank for supporting my school improvement projects that began in junior high and extended throughout high school. I have my work colleagues to thank for helping me launch a non-profit to help African American parents understand how to prepare their children for higher education. I have my sorority to thank for its ongoing mission to serve all mankind. I have my professors to thank for providing me with a love of learning, critical thinking skills, research skills, and strategic planning skills. And I have my husband and children to thank for allowing me to spread myself beyond the four walls of our home all these years.

I’ve come to appreciate the importance of our individual and collective efforts as citizens. I also came to understand the heartbreaking reality that we must fight as individuals and collectively for what is good. It was a difficult lesson to learn that there are other humans who strive to maintain the status quo because they either benefit from it or they genuinely fear change. Over the years, I’ve encountered the ignorant, the lazy, the fearful, the stubborn, and the downright evil human obstacles who stand in the way of improvement. These people convinced me of the strength in numbers approach. I came to understand that the power of one person, one leader, one voice, one example lies in the ability to influence others to join in the actions that will make a difference. But I also know that change begins within each individual. So, I’m a huge fan of Michael Jackson’s song, “Man in the mirror”. In the song, he sings, “I’m starting with the man in the mirror. I’m asking him to change his ways. And no message could’ve been any clearer. If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make a change.” That’s the starting point, but then you have to rally likeminded troops.

I want to make the world a better place! As I’ve been looking in the mirror these first weeks of retirement, I see changes I can make. The first is how I respond to people on social media. I’ve begun to make it a point weigh in a bit more, to affirm people more, share my experience with those facing difficulty, and to offer my perspective on issues of public importance such as dealing with this pandemic, white supremacy, and voting rights. Each morning, I’m taking a few minutes to engage. I want to do what my mother did for me by using my voice. So, I will encourage, empower and possibly enable likeminded citizens to improve their lives and the community.

The second change is my relationship with the environment. I’m trying to be even more conscience of my use of resources by turning off lights, recycling, saving water, limiting my beef consumption, and going paperless. I purchased a new iPad and an Apple pen to use with the $7.99 Goodnotes 5 app to eliminate my usual yellow pads and notebooks I’ve used for years. I already drive a Hybrid and combine errands. I share all this to encourage the changes we all need to make. However, I can and should do even more.

Beyond paying taxes, which I believe is a very basic responsibility of every citizen in order to support the common good, I revisited my charitable giving to ensure that the charities I contribute to are still in line with my values. In addition, I’m deciding right now whether to contribute to specific candidates or to the Democratic Party or perhaps to both. I’m happy to contribute to help ensure we get political leaders who are ethical, knowledgeable, strategic, and caring. Right now we have many political leaders who need to be replaced.

And finally, I will continue to write to elected officials and to vote in every election, both local and national elections. Elections have huge consequences and if we are not careful, we will wake up to greater human rights abuses, worsening public health, economic downturns, falling bridges, and environmental chaos in our country. In the coming months it will be important to fight for continued access to the ballot for every American and I will do my part to help ensure people are able to vote. At this point I’m uncertain what will be required of me, but as a person who cares deeply about justice and the environment, I will do what is necessary.

Our community belongs to us collectively and I’m happy to say that I haven’t changed my conviction that I have a part to play as an individual and together with others to have a positive impact on it. When I look in the mirror as a retired educator, I still see where the change has to start. And that is with me.