Fully Present Post 50

When my mother passed away in 1994, I was amazed by the amount of stuff she had accumulated and that we had to weed through. Her closets were jammed packed with clothes and many other items, some of which she had never used. Her garage had items that had been stored untouched for years. She wasn’t a hoarder, but just the average person who was too busy to declutter.

I’m not a hoarder either, but I recognize that I have more clothes than I need, more household items than are necessary, more kitchenware than I use, and in general more stuff than I really want. And this remains an issue despite the six or seven trips we make to the Goodwill donation center every year. Beyond not wanting to leave a mess for my children to sort through, I reference the observation Dr. Gupta makes in his book, “Keep Sharp”, that clutter is bad for brain health as it disrupts clear and organized thinking. And I have found this to be true. However, beyond promoting clearer thinking, decluttering has other benefits, but the task isn’t as simple as it seems.

Those trips to Goodwill represent our elimination of the easy stuff such as the replacement of an old television with a newer version or the donation of pants that no longer fit. What’s more difficult are the items we purchased because we liked them, thought we needed them, or think we might need them in the future. I struggle with getting rid of the perfectly good sweater that fits well but that I haven’t worn for three years but might want to wear next winter. Will I regret donating such a sweater?

To help me with this conundrum, I enlisted the help of Marie Kondo’s book, “The Life-changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese art of decluttering and organizing”. From this book, I learned to take my time with decluttering and to get in touch with my actual feelings towards items like the sweater I didn’t wear for three years. Her question, “Does it spark joy?” was a breakthrough. The idea of what to “keep” as opposed to what to throw away was a different mindset that I embraced.

Through the book, I learned to approach each item of clothing and other items to determine if I really want the item because it “speaks to the heart”. Perhaps the item once sparked joy, but no longer does. Rather than feel guilty about discarding a perfectly good item, she says to thank the item for “giving me joy when I bought you”. Expressing that gratitude before saying goodbye to items that the rational me would keep but the intuitive me knows I no longer desire, is liberating.

So, I recently began my slow journey of deciding what to keep, drawer by drawer, shelf by shelf, closet by closet. It is really a slow and ongoing process. The one thing I did decide to do was to stop purchasing new stuff for now. I’m seriously reflecting on the lifestyle and fashion style that will suit the retired me. As I sort through clothes and household items, the truth of who I am today and what sparks joy and excitement in me is bound to emerge. That will reveal who the early retired me is.

I am excited that the process of decluttering is not a one time process, but an ongoing process that will help keep my mind sharp, provide that euphoric feeling of lightness, keep me in touch with who I am as a human being in the moment, and when I leave this earth will be less of a burden on my children.

As for the sweater, I did in fact thank it for the joy it brought me when I purchased it before gently placing it in the Goodwill donation bag.

Last week I unveiled the 7-8 hours of sleep rule, the eat well and less rule, and the minimum of 150 hours per week of exercise rule as three of my rules for retirement. I’ve been trying to establish these rules as habits by paying attention and self-parenting. I have to admit that the last two nights, I had to tell myself that it was bedtime at 9pm. It felt strange, but I complied with my voice of discipline. Eating right is proving to be the greatest challenge. I’ll eat the good stuff with no problem. My problem is lacking discipline to refuse the bad stuff, especially when my husband lays the bad stuff right in front of me. I feel like I need to ban his trips to Costco and the grocery store. Perhaps when I retire, I will simply accompany him there to provide “adult” supervision.

Rule number four comes directly from Dr. Gupta’s book, “Keep Sharp”, on brain health. In the book, Dr. Gupta goes into great detail about the need to stay actively engaged in learning and socializing. He makes the argument for staying employed as a means of fulfilling both of these brain requirements as well as maintaining a sense of purpose. I thought about changing my mind about retirement for about 30 seconds before deciding that I really do want to retire from my current job.

I’ve spent the last several months really contemplating how I want to spend my time and energy. Sitting around watching television all day is literally a death sentence to both the brain and the body. However, the freedom to direct my brain and body to pursue the things my job hasn’t allowed time for feels really good. As I’ve aged, I’ve noticed a decline in my physical energy. I’m no longer the energizer bunny I was in my twenties, thirties, forties, and even fifties when I could come home from a full day of work, excited to take on the house, kids, friends, church, classes, community, teaching, and hobbies. I look back at my former self and wonder how I did all that. In those days, I couldn’t even imagine retiring. But as my energy began to wane both physically and even mentally, I noticed that my life was consumed with work demands and that I had very little energy for anything else. For the first time, I learned what it meant to be physically tired and mentally drained at the end of a work day. I didn’t want to see anyone or do anything after work because I was exhausted. The weekends became a way to recharge for another demanding work week.

So, retirement comes as a welcome relief that will allow me to channel my current energy level into the people and activities I actually care most about. I care most about my family and friends, but over the last few years, I realize that too much of my physical, emotional and mental energy has been channeled into my University and it’s students whose needs have grown. I find myself digging deep into my reserves to meet the needs of my husband and kids, often ignoring extended family and friends just to survive. In retirement, family and friends can once again emerge as the primary beneficiaries of the best I have to offer in love, laughter, kindness, and support. I’m excited to reconnect with extended family and friends more consistently and without having to apologize for presenting my exhausted self.

Retirement will also offer me the opportunity to pursue my current interests with renewed vigor and take on new interests as well. I have plans around children’s books that promote diversity, equity, and inclusion as a worthwhile human value. I will continue to knit and I’ll donate items to hospitals, perhaps the neo-natal ward where my daughter-in-law is a pediatrician. I will continue to garden because being outside nurturing flowers, fruits, and vegetables is not only incredibly rewarding, but good exercise. I will take drawing and painting classes and re-engage with learning Spanish. I will become more active with my sorority after taking a break for most of last year because I believe in service to all mankind. I am considering getting involved with political campaigns as I care deeply about who runs our country. And finally, I am considering the possibility of doing some more traveling, although the thought of another long flight is unappealing.

For me, retirement is the opportunity to reset my priorities to reflect the legacy I want to leave in this world. The rule to stay actively engaged in learning and socializing is a rule where compliance is easy.

I’ve been reading Dr. Sanjay Gupta’s new book, “Keep Sharp”. It’s a book about how to keep our brains functioning well as we age. It’s a terrific book and I highly recommend it to people of all ages because keeping the brain healthy and functioning well is a lifetime commitment. It is especially important as we age to make lifestyle choices that help rather than harm brain function. As a result of reading this book, I’ve made a list of commitments to myself that I’ve begun to implement and which I’m determined will be solid habits by my July 1st retirement date.

Number one on my list is getting seven to eight hours of sleep each night. I know I’ve mentioned many times about how difficult this is for me, but I learned a few things from reading the book that have helped me finally achieve this goal. Dr. Gupta makes the usual suggestions like creating a bedtime ritual, maintaining a dark cool room between 60 and 65 degrees, avoiding blue lights from clocks, televisions, cell phones, and e-readers, and avoiding conflicts before bedtime. The change I implemented was establishing an earlier bedtime hour to match my naturally early waking time. That means I’ve started getting ready for bed at 8:30pm and climbing into bed at 9pm. Wearing a mask definitely helps with the light from my bedside clock. As expected, the first couple of nights I woke up earlier than expected, but seeing that I had only been asleep for 4 or 5 hours, I made myself continue to lay in bed and think the kinds of thoughts that generally help me fall asleep. It worked. I quickly fell back to sleep and this week I managed to get between seven and eight hours of sleep every night. So early to bed is kind of strange, but I’m finally getting those important hours of sleep.

Number two on the list is 150 minutes of exercise five days a week and movement throughout the day. I already exceed the 150 minutes exercise five days a week but I notice that I spend too much time sitting throughout the day for work, television, reading, writing, or knitting. Dr. Gupta suggests that we need to be active every hour even if it is just to walk around for two minutes. So, I created little paper chore strips and put them in a bowl. I’ve made it a point when I am home, to pull at least three chores from the bowl throughout the day to motivate movement. Some of the chores include: washing a window, vacuuming a room, mopping a floor, dusting a ceiling fan, pulling weeds, or cleaning a toilet. There are tons of them and it makes my movement meaningful. Because of this innovation, I’ve ceased to dedicate one day to house cleaning because the chores are now spread over seven days. At the office, I use the two minute movements to slowly pack up my office or to get rid of things. Admittedly, I really enjoy this new found productivity.

The third commitment on the list is to eat less and to eat well, meaning to consume more of the seven colors of vegetables and fruits and far less meat and starches like pasta and rice. We switched over to organic foods a while back and we only have protein and vegetables for dinner. I gave up potato chips about two months ago in favor of organic skinny popcorn. It certainly helps that we grow most of our own produce. A few months ago, my doctor put me on an intermittent fasting diet and Dr. Gupta’s book seems to suggest that it’s a good idea. I’ve been limiting sugar for a while, so that isn’t new, but Dr. Gupta affirms the danger of sugar, fast food, fried foods, and processed foods. So, I’ve given up most processed foods and on cookies and cakes and pies unless there is a very special occasion and I’m working on limiting my trips to drive through fast food joints. I eat nothing from 6pm to 6am. That satisfies Dr. Gupta’s rule to not eat three hours before bedtime and provides me with the 12 hours of fasting my doctor suggests. That said, I admit that I can’t imagine a happy life without an occasional piece of fried chicken, though.

In total, I created a list of eight commitments for my retirement because I want to be as healthy, productive, and happy as possible for this next chapter of my life. I’m realizing that as with every other chapter in life, retirement is a journey, not a destination.

Next week I will address more of these commitments and how I plan to turn them into my lifestyle for retirement.

I asked myself this week why we collectively allow so many greedy, self-serving, unethical, and ignorant people to lead us. Too many of the leaders in our churches, media, and government today are literally leading us on a path toward death and destruction and we are allowing it. Are we really just sheep? Do we really trust charismatic personalities even when their protestations defy reason? Are we really so caught up in our busy schedules that we don’t notice the dangerous path we are on? Or are we too confused, too tired, too gullible, or just too passive to put any energy into selecting better leaders?

How many COVID-19 deaths, how many mass shootings, how many power outages, collapsing bridges, police shootings, voter suppression laws, extreme weather events, food lines, and racists attacks will it take for us to collectively demand leaders who actually address our pressing problems? Instead, I’m watching in dismay as many Americans follow the familiar name or the most loud and obnoxious voices who play to tribal fears of being replaced by minorities, whether ethnic, religious, or sexually different. Too many Americans have embraced these unfounded fears instead of demanding that their leaders address our actual problems we are facing. It is infuriating that we’ve been collectively unwilling to oust those who have shown us that they will do nothing to address our problems. I’m calling out conservative media hosts, unhinged pastors, and politicians like senators Ted Cruise and Mitch McConnell who both won re-election.

I watched in horror this week as Republican Representative Jim Jordan argued with Dr. Fauci over the notion that personal liberty is more important than public health. How much freedom can a dead person exercise? The loud and obnoxious confrontation was absurd and Jim Jordan has absolutely no business representing human lives if he can’t appreciate the fact that COVID-19 has killed more than 560,000 Americans and threatens to kill more if we do nothing. Perhaps he likes the idea that the majority of those dead are poor, elderly, and people of color. There seems to be a hidden agenda among some Republicans. My guess is that conservative media wants to make money while these unhinged ego-driven pastors seek the power, fame and money that comes with growing their congregations.

While I am for thoughts and prayers, they do nothing to get to the root of the problem we have in this nation with easy access to firearms. Almost daily, we watch in horror as high powered, rapid fire weapons are used to take the lives of innocent people at work, out shopping, at school, in theaters, enjoying a concert, or as we experienced here, in a dance club. And again, Republican leaders and conservative media behave like easy access to guns is more important than public health, especially if those gun owners are white. I’m not ignorant of that reality. While the majority of Americans want to control access to guns with background checks and eliminating weapons of war, Republican lawmakers won’t do it. Could it be that they are preparing for a race war? It seems so much more likely after Republican Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene announced the creation of an Anglo-Saxon congressional caucus to protect Anglo-Saxon traditions. We must finally admit to ourselves that we have white nationalists in our midst who are infiltrating our evangelical churches, our media outlets, our police forces, our military, and now our government.

History has shown us what happens when one ethnic group gains economic, political and military power over others. First comes stoking fear that minorities are a threat followed by widespread oppression of rights, and finally ethnic cleansing or genocide. It should not surprise us that the fear of people of color, religious minorities, and LGBTQ people is already circulating and growing to the point that many of these gunmen are targeting minorities.

If we do nothing, if we allow these Republicans to block gun control and restrict our access to voting so that white nationalist can continue to elect government officials like Jim Jordan, Ted Cruise, and Marjorie Taylor Greene, I truly believe American ethnic minorities and LGBTQ people will be led like sheep to the slaughter within the next twenty-five years. So, the bottom line is that we can’t afford to allow ourselves, nor our family and friends to continue being sheep.

As human beings we decide where to spend our time, energy, and talent. Someone once told to me that how a person spends their time determines where their passion truly lies. In a conversation with my son Saturday morning, I realized that I am passionate about justice for myself and others. Against his advice to just pay a fraudulent $500 charge and quietly change banks, I explained that I would not do that because I had a moral obligation to others who are likely victims of the same kind of scam. I explained how I felt driven to do what I can to expose and end the harmful and immoral big bank practice.

I’ve been in this position before, fighting for what I believe is fair and just for myself and others. While I don’t always win, I at least make the perpetrators aware of the harm and injustice they are inflicting on me or others. Maybe the individual or institution changes their practices as a result of the pain I attempt to inflict. At the very least, that is my intention. I don’t necessarily disagree with the cancel culture approach my son advocated by advising me to just change banks. That seemed too easy and doesn’t actually get to the root of the problem if I don’t first try to get them to change. Sometimes, we need to pick a fight to root out injustice. The Selma Bus Boycott was an example of a strategically brilliant fight that attacked the root of a systemic problem.

And I am all about getting to the root of systemic problems. It’s like cutting off the top of a weed, but leaving the root in place for it to simply grow back. So, with this bank situation, I spent time digging deeper, talking to the next person up the chain until it became evident that I needed to file a formal complaint with the Federal Consumer Protection Bureau against the bank because their practice was harmful and unfair to not just me, but to others and actually benefitted the bank at the consumer’s expense. I filed the complaint and I also wrote a letter to the bank detailing my experience, how I wanted them to fix it, and provided a copy of the complaint I filed with the government. I’m not sure if I’ll win, but that really isn’t the point.

When I think about the times I entered these fights, I have never regretted the time, energy nor my talent for persuasion when dedicated to the effort to pursue justice. I once sued my own attorney for mishandling a lawsuit and won against him. I’ve gone before judges to pursue justice on that and several other occasions and won. I once enlisted the assistance of my congressman for help on an issue and got it resolved. But there were plenty of other times when I exposed a wrong, but the perpetrator never apologized. In these cases, I have faith that the perpetrator does not get away unscathed because their misdeed has been exposed, their reputation ruined, and perhaps they have had to spend their precious time and treasure defending their actions or repairing their reputation. And hopefully, they change their behavior moving forward.

I believe we are collectively watching this play out in the police murder trial of George Floyd. What the officer did was criminal and whether or not he is convicted, he has not gotten away with his action unscathed. Everyone knows who he is and what he has done. Whether or not he serves prison time for his inhumanity toward George Floyd and black Americans, his name and his face and his reputation will serve as a reminder to all police departments across the country to be better and to do better. The fact that the Floyd family received a settlement for millions of dollars from the wrongful death suit is also important in the pursuit of justice. That kind of financial pain to a city drives change too.

In my heart and mind, the fight for justice is always worth the time, energy, and talent.

Today is Resurrection Sunday, also known as Easter. So, I’ve been thinking a lot about my beliefs about the meaning of Christ’ resurrection and how it relates to what I believe about the human makeup of body, soul, and Spirit. I might describe it like this, I am an eternal soul, energized by the Spirit of God, and housed in a temporary body made of earth and star dust.

The week before my grandson was born, my youngest daughter expressed her curiosity as to what kind of soul was going to be dropped into his body. I laughed and said that I wondered about the same thing. It seems that humans spend an entire lifetime trying to know, accept, or reinvent themselves. I think what we are really trying to do is reconcile our brains (intellect) with our soul (preferences and personality) with the Spirit (God consciousness). But what my daughter was really curious about was the ultimate nature of my grandson’s basic essence or the core of his preferences and personality. Was he going to be a warm, generous, loving soul or a difficult one? So far, having finally been released from the hospital, he seems to be a determined yet mild-mannered little guy, preserving his fussiness to express his hunger. When I finally get to see him in person this summer, I know that I’ll likely make a judgement as to whether or not he is an old soul because on some level I do believe in reincarnation.

I am a Christian, a follower of Christ, but when it comes to the definition and role of the body, soul, and Spirit to our human existence, I am also influenced by the teachings of other religions as well as my own lived experiences. I believe in the cloud of witnesses, in heaven, and in hell as the separation of the soul from the Spirit. But I also believe in multiple chances for the soul to return to earth to perhaps “get it right”.

Anyone who has spent time with me knows that I view the human body as a tent, a house, or a shell that is knit together in the womb to one day house the soul and Spirit. I view the soul as our individual essence and the Spirit as the life force of God (silent until invited). I believe both to be eternal and inseparable until the final day of judgment. The body is an incredible house comprised of the genetic material that gives us the physical and mental attributes of generations past. I don’t care about skin color or nationality or ethnicity or culture beyond how humans treat each other because of these superficial attributes. I view the brain as a vital part of the body that is shaped by genetics, experience, and environment (nurture & nature). The brain’s interaction with the soul often leads to internal conflict over right and wrong. I believe this conflict takes place in the center of activity called the mind or heart (not the physical organ). When only the brain and soul are active in the mind/heart, I call this a “carnal mind”. On those occasions when both the brain and the soul are mired in negativity, we witness human depravity at its worst.

As I mentioned before, I believe at the center of each human is the mind or heart where the brain, soul, and if permitted, the Spirt interact. To be lead by the Spirit is to be in touch with God and to do and behave in ways that sometimes defy human expectations. Prayer, mediation, and quiet help us connect to and hear the Spirit. Some people think of the Spirit as a still small voice, intuition, or a gut feeling about something. I believe that the brain and soul while valuable, are flawed and should be in brought into submission to the Spirit. Because the brain is easily influenced by outside factors like food, drugs, experiences, and environmental pollution and the soul has been in a fallen state since Adam, we are in need of redemption. As a Christian, I believe Jesus was that redemption. Others may have another path to redemption. But I believe it is the forgiveness of my soul and my willingness to open up that allows the Spirit to become active in my mind, ultimately transforming my soul. For me, this is what it means to be born again. This is what it means to have a renewed mind. And I believe the Bible verse that says that the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control (Galatians 5:22-23). The word fruit refers to an outcome or tangible result.

If the relationship between the body, soul and Spirit sounds complicated, that’s because it is. And I honestly don’t even know what is completely true. I do know that I have personally had out of body experiences. I do know that I interacted with my mother and a few others after they died. I also know that sometimes I do things that appear miraculous because I followed the voice of the Spirit and not my logical brain nor my soulish cravings.

I watch a lot of Korean dramas and they seem to really believe in things like fate, reincarnation, angels, and ghosts. I have to ask myself if the story of Jesus meeting with Moses and Elijah was Him meeting with ghosts? I have to ask myself if children who seem extraordinarily wise, talented, or gifted for their young age are not reincarnated? I have to ask myself if my out of body experience in the dentist’s office watching the dentist revive me from an accidental overdose of nitric oxide from the upper corner of the room is proof enough for me of the soul’s independence of the body? Or if hearing my deceased mother’s voice literally directing me to her missing will, which I found in the most unlikely place at her specific direction is enough? I have to wonder if there were times when I narrowly escaped disaster if an angel came to my aide?

I allow the still small voice to guide me as much as possible because it has proven itself to be far more accurate, far more compassionate, and far more insightful than my brain and soul. It gives me the energy to forgive, to be humble, to be brave, and to be patient. I feel the loving energy of the Spirit within me and others have felt it coming from me. I’m grateful that my ancestors gifted me with a strong brain and that perhaps fate granted this body with a kind soul that isn’t overly mired with evil desires that greatly conflict with the teachings of Christ. I know for others, this is not the case and that it is much harder to live life as a decent human being without the power or energy of the Spirit.

So, on this Resurrection Sunday, I am thankful to Jesus for the gift of redemption that can be freely received by anyone. This redemption makes it possible for the Spirit who resides in my mind/heart to actively influence my daily life. And this redemption gives me the confidence that my soul can leave this earth one day to join that cloud of witnesses waiting for the final day of judgment. Happy Resurrection Day.

If the definition of oppression is about being unjustly subjected to unfair treatment or control, then what we are collectively witnessing across the country with regards to treatment of people of color by Republican state and federal legislators is oppression. It feels like Republican legislators aren’t listening to us and weirdly, they are working hard to ensure that we can’t get rid of them. They want to continue to impose their anti-public health, anti-environment, anti-science, and anti-social safety net agenda upon the majority of Americans. The events of this past week highlight the depth of their depravity.

While offering thoughts and prayers to hurting victims of gun violence, weather related events, or COVID-19 is the right thing to do, it is not nearly enough. Thoughts and prayers do not address the root of the problems nor do they provide reasonable solutions. At the center of my frustration are Republican Senators Ted Cruise, Mitch McConnel, and Rand Paul as well as a handful of Republican governors. Their cruelty and tone-deafness are an affront to my ears and have dire consequences for many. Their collective behavior is even more deplorable because they are not ignorant of the facts nor the suffering, but they continue to act counter to the best interest of Americans in spite of this knowledge. Their desire to hold onto power at the expense of screwing the majority of Americans in the process is mind boggling. They show by their words and actions that they will say anything and do anything to maintain the hegemony of wealthy white people and corporations.

At this very moment, these men and those in their party are acting to limit access to voting and to block any attempts at gun control. They want to continue to help the rich get richer while stepping on the necks of poor people and people of color. They stand between every reasonable public health measure like wearing masks, background checks for gun purchases, keeping automatic weapons off our streets, reasonable immigration policies, environmental protections, economic safety nets, and affordable healthcare. It is no surprise that not a single one of them voted for the American Recovery Act. And yet, their priority is to control the body of every American woman, protect the 2nd Amendment, appoint judges, and to give unneeded tax breaks to wealthy individuals and corporations.

I often ask myself why Republicans are so against voter access, reasonable gun laws, public health measures, raising the minimum wage, immigration reform, and protecting the environment and I repeatedly come up with the same reason. They want to maintain white supremacy and white majorities. They want to keep white people in the U.S. at the top of the economic and power food chain even if a handful of white people are also hurt in the process. And the best way to do maintain power is to block all legislation limits white people’s access to guns while killing a person of color who looks like he might have one. They want white folks armed because they may need them to forcefully maintain power one day. January 6th was just the beginning. It is also evident that they want to reduce the life expectancy of people of color by keeping them poor and limiting their access to healthcare and education while allowing greedy corporations to use poor areas as dumping grounds, poisoning poor people’s air and water. Knowing that people of color are more likely to die from COVID-19 because of the core morbidities caused by years of poverty and neglect, they refuse to impose mask mandates.

I am not surprised that white people are getting vaccinated faster than people of color. That too, is by design. And the fact that a black female lawmaker was arrested and dragged away in handcuffs in Georgia this week for simply knocking on the door of the Governor’s office and then charged with two felonies says everything we need to know about the criminal justice system.

As forty-three states work to legislate voter suppression laws designed specifically to limit voting among youth, poor, and people of color, I am glad that civil rights organizations are suing. I am also glad that community organizers are seeking to boycott corporations who do not publicly support free and fair election access. But we as voters need to be prepared to do our part as well.

The time to end oppression is now and the way forward is at the ballot box. We must be determined to vote no matter what obstacles Republicans place in front of us. This may mean making the necessary preparations ahead of time to secure the proper ID, to wait in a long line, bringing our own food and water bottles, saving to take off work or better yet, joining with other employees to implore employers to give time off to vote if necessary. We must ensure that our families and friends are registered and ready to vote in local, state and federal elections. This is how we will end the oppression of the majority by this hateful minority of Republicans over time.

If we want a better America where access to opportunity, health, safety, and justice is truly for all, then we must elect public officials who have our collective best interest in mind. The time of voting for the familiar name is over. We can’t allow the continued cruelty of men like Ted Cruise, Mitch McConnell, and Rand Paul and Republican governors to oppress us any longer.

It’s in my nature to worry. No matter how hard I try to stop myself, worry creeps in. I was worried that my daughter in law looked too thin during her last trimester of pregnancy. I was worried when the baby dropped into position at 34 weeks. I was worried when the mucus plug discharged at 35 weeks and at 36 weeks, my grandson made a rapid appearance after only 3 hours of labor on March 19th. His original due date was April 16th.

He weighed in at 5lbs 4oz and was 17 1/2 inches long. He was given oxygen for a few hours and glucose. His spent his first hours of life in the NICU at John Hopkin’s where ironically his mother interned in pediatrics. He is now out of the NICU and he seems to be thriving. My daughter in law will begin work at Children’s Hospital in Philadelphia this July, as a NICU doctor. So, “Baby James” Edward Pryor, is in excellent hands. I keep reminding myself that things will be fine, although I only slept three hours last night and kept checking my phone.

I’m excited about this precious addition to our family and can’t wait until the worst of this pandemic is over so that I can go visit them. I’ll get my second dose of the Maderna vaccine this week and as healthcare workers, they have already been vaccinated. I’m thankful that technology allows me to see and hear them through my cell phone in real time. I laughed when the baby perked up upon hearing my voice. And it was nice to be “present” for the nurse visit as they talked about his progress and impending circumcision this morning.

My grandson is mixed race. I care deeply about the country he is being born into. Since 2016, many people feel they have permission to put their selfishness, bigoty, misogyny, xenophobia, and racism on full display. It’s been awful and dangerous. How many lives could have been spared if people wore masks and kept their distance? And this week, misplaced anxiety resulted in the murder of eight innocent lives, six of whom were Asian American women. I want a better country for my grandson and everyone else. We deserve better. But it is on each of us to make this country better.

I’ll conclude with a poem I wrote in response to a hate incident on the university campus where I work several years ago. I put the words on t-shirts and handed them out to our campus community. Here is the poem:

My grandson will leave the comfort and safety of the hospital today or tomorrow. I’m praying that a better world will greet him.

Later this month, we will receive our second dose of the Merderna vaccine. Michael is over 70 so he was eligible a week before me. I’m an educator, so I became eligible at the end of February. There are inequities around the distribution of the vaccine that are striking to me.

Michael was lucky to be eligible because of his age despite his recent recovery from lung cancer and reduced lung capacity along with other issues that make him at high risk of dying from COVID-19. I too, have documented health conditions that put me at high risk. But none of that mattered. It came down to age and type of employment. Beyond healthcare workers and first responders, I believe that if we really wanted to save more lives, we would have put the most medically vulnerable next in line. Despite the knowledge that years of economic disparities, medical neglect, and racism have made people of color more likely to die from COVID-19, governors couldn’t bring themselves to put people of color with health conditions near the front of the line. In fact, even today, the availability of the vaccines in communities of color is lower if it is available at all. And the myth that blacks are unwilling to take the vaccine has been dispelled by recent polls that show we are the most willing of any ethnic group at 73% willingness. This is so unfair.

The other inequity that is glaringly apparent is the amount of time many people have to wait in line for the vaccine. On the news, they showed people waiting up to six hours to get the vaccine and so we expected that it would take all day. For Michael, his wait was about 20 minutes and I didn’t have to wait at all. I literally walked into the tent 5 minutes ahead of my appointment and had my shot within 2 minutes of my arrival. There was no line at all.

I’ve often marveled at why some people have to wait in long lines for hours to vote in major elections while I have never had to wait more than 10 minutes. And now I vote by mail just because its more convenient. Republican state legislatures are trying to make the situation worse for communities of color to vote by removing vote by mail, reducing polling place hours of operation, eliminating drop boxes, and demanding voter ID. We all know that the quality of roads, schools, water, air, and even grocery stores is better in white parts of town than others. Something is definitely amiss. A five year old child could point out the unfairness happening here.

When I ask myself what factors are at play to make my access to public benefits like decent roads and schools or easy engagements like getting a vaccine and voting versus someone else’s, I have to admit two things. First, I live in a predominately white area. Second, is our upper middle class economic status. Our taxpayer dollars make these benefits and engagements possible, but why are these funds dispersed so unevenly?

Early on my parents recognized these inequities and opted to move us into a white neighborhood once redlining was challenged in court. We found better roads, better schools, better and less expensive groceries, bigger public libraries, and a plethora of other benefits. While we faced bigotry and prejudice, those obstacles built our resilience, courage, and determination. It also made us aware that not all white people were bigoted nor prejudice. I found good friends who learned from my family that black people are actually as human as they are. So, I too, made the decision to raise my children in a predominately white affluent neighborhood to enjoy the better public assets but also to expand the minds of white neighbors about black people. And although we dealt with occasional bigotry and prejudice, my children grew to be strong advocates for diversity, equity and inclusion.

I understand that public assets are funded by a combination of local, state, and federal tax dollars. But if a depressed area has a lower local tax base because its population is poor, wouldn’t it be fair or equitable for the state and federal government to step in to boost the resources available to repair roads, bolster education, and to have adequate polling places? After all, we all pay state and federal taxes. However, as we know from Donald Trump and even Warren Buffet, the wealthy are paying less in taxes than the average working American. All the more reason for us to insist on equity.

By not insisting on fairness, we are institutionalizing inequity on the basis of race and economic class. Years of red-lining kept people of color locked in poor neighborhoods that effectively strangled the local tax base. And we know about the history of white people violently destroying those black communities that did manage to thrive. And once red-lining ended, white flight occurred as people of color began moving into predominately white neighborhoods. In fact, many formerly white schools and neighborhoods in California are now all black or Latino. Whites moved out and took their generational wealth with them.

It’s time that we start demanding equity from our state and federal politicians who distribute the funds that we all contribute to. In Florida, Ron Desantis is accused of funneling more vaccines to white republican areas. This kind of inequity needs to be called out and politicians who distribute our publicly funded assets unfairly need to be voted out of office. Of course, we need to first secure our collective ability to vote. The time for equity in the distribution of public benefits is definitely now.

This week, with the sexual harassment scandal surrounding Governor Cuomo, I was again reminded that some older white males in this country still view women as their personal play things. I rarely talk about the three times in my life when I paid the price for their sexual folly while they walked away unscathed. Being only 84% black, I have to wonder if my very existence isn’t the result of white male sexual assault upon my female slave ancestors.

The first time I was sexually assaulted, I was ten years old and my family had moved into a white neighborhood in Southern California. The single white male living next door was a television producer and was by all accounts a progressive man who embraced his new black neighbors. So much so that my brothers enjoyed visiting his home. On one occasion when I accompanied them to play, I found myself alone with the man and he sexually assaulted me. Before he got too far, my immediate response was to violently escape his advances and to run back home. However, I remained silent and never disclosed to my parents nor my brothers what had transpired that day. I made the calculated decision that the only one who would get hurt by my disclosure was my black father. Even as a ten year old, I understood that a black man could not safety defend his daughter against a white man. So, I kept my distance from that man, held my tongue, and bore the brunt of that pain alone.

The second incident was when I was a seventeen year old chemistry lab assistant at an almost all white high school. I had considered it an honor as a top student to be invited to assist my former biology and chemistry teacher. It was when we were alone in the lab one afternoon that he grabbed me and tried to kiss me on the mouth. I pushed him away, ran out of the lab and straight to the administration office where I asked to be dropped as his lab assistant. I gave some lame excuse and was released. Amazingly, I was unaware that I began to wear clothes for me that were oversized. It wasn’t until I was shopping several months later that a young sales lady pointed out that she had been watching me try on clothes and she noticed that I was purchasing clothes two sizes too big for me. I realized that I had been traumatized and was hiding and that I wasn’t even aware of it.

The third incident occurred when I was in my thirties and employed at a small private securities firm. At that time I was married with three kids. I had obtained my securities license and was making a ton of money. I enjoyed that job even though the hours were a bit long, but that job provided for a live-in housekeeper, a big BMW, and a nice home. We had it all and my future in the world of finance looked bright until the day the owner of the firm called me into his office, shut the door and tried to sexually assault me. I pushed him away and quit on the spot. Thankfully, my husband had a good job and we had savings to fall back on or our finances could have been ruined. I wasn’t silent this time, telling my husband precisely what happened and warning him to do nothing. Again, the reality was that only the black man would be harmed in the situation.

I say all this to say that I am glad that white men are finally being held accountable for their mistreatment of women. For all of history, we have been the ones to bear the emotional distress, the financial setbacks, and career limitations because of their abhorrent behavior. This has to stop and now is the time to stop it. It’s disgusting and disappointing to me that any woman supports Donald Trump who not only admits to grabbing women by their private parts, but claims that he hoped his daughters would have “the courage” to quit their job if they were sexually harassed at work. That is the kind of twisted thinking that has to end.

When I think of my perpetrators, I wonder what punishment I would have liked to see for them. The television producer belonged in prison because what he did to me was criminal. The science teacher should have been fired. The owner of the securities firm should have lost his wife and his reputation. I ask myself now if an apology would have been enough? Perhaps in the case of the securities firm owner. I was an adult at the time. If he had expressed contrition for his behavior and made a commitment to behave better in the future toward female employees, perhaps that would be enough. I still would have left though.

In conclusion, I guess I have mixed feelings as to whether Governor Cuomo should resign or be removed from office. He has publicly apologized. He has acknowledged his wrongdoing and has made a commitment to do better by female employees. For me, I think on a personal level at this moment in time, that might just be enough.