Fully Present Post 50

In my consumption of books, movies, and television, I like strong characters who remind me that human beings are complicated.  They are neither all good nor all bad, having strengths as well as weaknesses.  Until 1997, I had  largely focused on peoples’ good traits and strengths and I viewed their misdeeds as character flaws and weaknesses, often overlooking misdeeds even when I was hurt by them.  In fact, it was in 1997 that a therapist explained to me that I was too accepting of peoples’ bad behavior.  That’s when I began to refine my internal sense of the justice scales.  I realized that a person’s character could lean moral or immoral.  With the passing of Senator John McCain last night, I want to say, “Rest in peace, Senator.  Despite our political differences, it is evident that you lived a life of good moral character and will be remembered and highly esteemed for it.”
Continue reading “Complicated Characters”

I’ve had enough of the rising incivility in this country.  I’m also fed up with blatant lies, gross exaggerations, speculation, and conspiracy theories being given an equal footing with actual scientific evidence, logic, and historical facts.  After watching an interview with Jack Dorsey, the CEO of Twitter defend his refusal to ban Alex Jones and his decision to hold leaders like Trump to a lesser civility standard than general users, I picked up my phone and deleted the Twitter app. Continue reading “Twitter Deleted”

In the first week of August, I was invited to deliver a Ted Talk like presentation on micro-aggressions to church youth workers. What follows is what I shared with them.

It feels a little strange that I’m about to talk about micro-aggressions in a time when full out aggression is on display against people of color, immigrants, and other minority populations in this nation. The difference between an overt aggression and a micro-aggression is not in the degree of emotional harm to the targeted person, but rather in the intentionality of the aggressor and the level of confusion heaped upon the targeted person as to the actual meaning behind the encounter.
For example, a black female student once described to me her confusion when a white male student was holding the cafeteria door open for several people ahead of her, but once she got to the door, the student allowed the door to slam in her face. She was at first stunned and then confused. Her first thought was, “Did that just happen?” Her second thought was how rude the behavior actually was. But then the question became whether the student intentionally let the door slam just as she approached to send her an unwelcome message or did the student just not see her? She didn’t know and she wasn’t about to ask. But she felt hurt by the encounter and disappointed by her own unwillingness to confront him, and so she spent a lot of emotional energy trying to attach meaning to what had just happened. That’s the nature and impact of a micro-aggression.
A lot less confusing are the actions of the overt aggressor. This person recognizes and acts on his bigotry with the intention of inflicting emotional and/or physical harm. For example, calling the NFL players who take a knee during the national anthem in protest of police brutality, SOBs. Overt aggression is young men carrying signs and shouting, “Blood and soil and Jews will not replace us.” Overt aggression is a group of men beating up on a transgender individual in the street. I was just in Charleston South Carolina earlier this week and I went past Mother Emmanual Church where nine parisheners were gunned down by an aggressor. In the age of Trump, overt aggression is on the upswing and minorities are left to deal with the emotional if not the physical violence against their humanity. For many of us, including would be immigrant parents and their children, these are very scary and dangerous times.
But the days of the micro-aggression have not disappeared. Many have described micro-aggressions as the thousand little cuts and slights minorities deal with on a daily basis. Dr. Derald Wing sue has written two books on the subject and I’ve had the pleasure of hearing him present on the topic. The most important thing to understand is that the perpetrators of these cuts and slights generally have no idea of the pain they are inflicting. People of good will who harbor prejudices, bias, and stereotypes sometimes hidden even from themselves, make comments and behave in subtle ways that insult and demean minorities. Consider a comment like, you’re so well spoken, I don’t even consider you to be Asian. The comment is meant to be a compliment, but it is couched in an insult to the person’s identity group and is born of an inaccurate stereotype. Or consider the well-meaning person who calls the police on a black ten-year old mowing the lawn of a paying customer because the child looks out of place and his skin color makes him suspect. When I go into the store at the mall or even my neighborhood grocery store, I am keenly aware of how quickly I am asked if I need any help while the white customers around me go unnoticed.

I believe that I’m correct in assuming that at least 99% of you are people of good will who don’t go around intentionally inflicting pain on other human beings. In fact, I would wager that you seek to do the opposite. So, I want to leave you with a few quick tips to help you steer clear of being a micro-aggressor. I can only pray for you and stay out of your way if you’re an overt aggressor. But for most of you, if not all of you, these tips should be helpful.

#1 Identify, examine, and challenge the stereotypes, prejudices, and personal biases that come to mind when interacting with individuals you encounter who are different from you. For example, I was introduced to colleagues as having a great singing voice by someone who had never heard me sing. That’s a stereotype at play.

#2 Assume and accept that the diversity within each minority group is as vast and varied as it is within your identity group. There should be an assumption that most people within a group are wonderful and only a few are jerks. Some are honest and some are dishonest. Some are generous and some are cheap. Some are brilliant and some are stupid. Some are exceptionally talented and some may not be. Most are peace-loving and a few are violent. Some are great at math and some are not. A few are great at basketball and but most are not. Let’s commit to judging people by their actions and not their identity group.

#3 So, think before we speak or act. Are my comments and actions based on my assumptions or my actual knowledge of the individual in front of me? Silence is always better if I’m in doubt.

#4 Acknowledge mistakes and ask for forgiveness for insensitivities. We all make mistakes. We all put our foot in our mouths from time to time. Don’t try to rationalize or minimize the damage done. An apology goes a long way to heal hurts. We don’t have to wait for the target to point out the micro-aggression because like the black female student, most will choose to suffer in silence.

#5 Remember that everyone deserves and desires to be treated with dignity and respect because we are all fully human possessing the same range of human emotions. A smile and an acknowledgement of a person’s presence is helpful to people who find themselves in the minority at a gathering.

#6 Be an ally and an advocate for humanity by sharing these tips with others.

While waiting for our return flight at the lovely Charleston International Airport, the lights went out. Fifteen seconds later, the generator kicked in, providing partial lighting. Moments later, the attendant at our gate asked if anyone was missing a black backpack. It was resting on a chair, unattended, not 10 feet from us. He announced again, for the owner of the black backpack to claim the bag. He said, if the person didn’t claim the bag that he would call the authorities, to which I said loudly and clearly, “Call them!”  My mind had immediately reverted to the Boston Marathon bomber incident and I had little confidence in the Charleston based TSA who had just made me throw away my small container of unopened Chobani yogurt while they entirely missed the two bottles of liquid insect repellant in my husband’s bag that he was willing to risk being confiscated if they found them rather than check his bag.

At the gate, the  supervisor walked over to the bag and saw that there was no identification on it. My husband whispered to me, “Now that was brave”. To which I responded that perhaps we should move away from it. He didn’t budge. I looked around and saw that no one else that was in close proximity to the unattended bag moved either. I looked at my husband and said something to the effect that this is what denial looks like, plain and simple. No one wants to believe that anything dangerous could be in that backpack.

Admittedly, I felt a bit of discomfort or maybe embarrassment when I grabbed my own backpack and leaving my stubborn husband behind, I moved to another seating area some 500 feet away until the bag was removed.

I learned something about human nature. I learned that some of us are risk takers and will defiantly face danger. Others of us refuse to admit to the danger: the deniers. Some care more about peer pressure and will abandon their own good judgment to not want to appear frightened . And then others like me, will err on the side of caution and gravitate to safety, not giving a damn what others think and remembering the times when people used bombs in backpacks to kill innocent people. I just never thought of myself as being in that kind of minority.  I often quote Proverbs 22:3 to myself in my self-parenting (and I quoted it to the children when they were younger).  It reads, “A prudent man foresees evil and hides himself, but the simple pass on and are punished.”  The New International version says, “The prudent see danger and take refuge, but the simple keep going and pay the penalty.”

In the end, it all turned out fine.  The bag was removed without blowing up, everyone was safe, the blackout persisted and actually saved me from purchasing yet another unnecessary souvenir from the beautiful gift shop that was forced to close when the lights went out (I was there shopping), and our plane took off on time even with the blackout.  Gotta love the Charleston International Airport.

When I was 15 years old, I took my first official payroll job stocking shelves at the local Woolworth Department Store in Van Nuys, California.  I had to take the bus to get there and I hated the job, but loved the money.  Thankfully, I have spent the bulk of my working years loving my job and enjoying the money.  Yet eventually, even this aspect of my life will transition to a new life: retirement.  And loving retirement is not a foregone conclusion. Continue reading “Preparing for Retirement”

Wednesday night my husband asked if I would accompany him to watch the new “Equalizer 2” movie.  We couldn’t recall the first “Equalizer” that  starred my favorite actor, Denzel Washington, so we found it On Demand and watched it. Thirty minutes into the movie, I was feeling physically sick as it became clear that Denzel was going to do battle to free a young Russian woman who was being trafficked for sex in this country.  I admit that I have always struggled with man’s inhumanity. Good must always do battle with evil; I just struggle with why there is so much evil.  And the problem seems to be worsening. Continue reading “Where is the Love?”

I watched a clip of a Trump rally this week and realized that we have to be on guard more than ever for lies, deflections, exaggerations, scapegoating, red-herrings and straw man arguments.  It doesn’t just come from Trump but from his media supporters.  How do we combat this constant barrage of unfair and unethical argumentation? Continue reading “Masters of Deception”

For a minute, I wanted to set aside the American flag because Donald Trump was wrapping himself in it.  I wanted to take a knee during the National Anthem because he demands that I stand.  But then I thought to myself, “Hell no!”  I am not going to cede my American values and the aspiration of justice and freedom for all to an immoral, ignorant, liar, and want-a-be dictator like Donald Trump.  He’s not the patriot, I am.  And unless our collective voices become louder and more demanding than his, we are going to lose our country. Continue reading “Calling All Patriots”

Over the years I’ve taken many different personality tests.  I’ve taken them for career exploration, teams, a course, work groups, leadership training, and personal interest.  They all confirm what those around me already know: I’m primarily a type A, driver, achiever, task oriented person.  Add to that my Virgo perfectionism and you have a recipe for an obnoxious presence.  Admittedly, my personality is at times annoying to people who are far more laid back, warm, and fun-loving.  I’m always trying to moderate or tone down my strong inclination to get things done and done perfectly, but it isn’t easy. Continue reading “My Annoying Type A Personality”

I am fighting a horrific case of what I call, “Trump Fatigue”.  It’s that urge to curse, throw something, or escape to my happy place every time I hear his voice or hear about another of his lies or some other ill-informed decision he’s made.  Trump Fatigue is a disease.  For me, it manifests itself with my heart racing, a pit in my stomach, and the desire to lash out.  It’s the feel of my blood pressure rising and a feeling of frustration born out of a sense of helplessness and disbelief that too many Americans are complicit in his behavior. Continue reading “Fighting Trump Fatigue”