Relax, Retreat and Re-charge

My new reality is coming home from work completely exhausted every day.  Fridays bring much needed relief.  It’s hard to believe that there was a time when I could easily live two lives in one day.  I used to think of it as a simple reset.   I’d work all day and then come home, change clothes, and live the life of a wife, mother, and fun-loving human being.  It was relatively easy for me to work all day at my job, then come home and cook, clean, help with homework, run off to an evening event, and even travel several times a year.  According to my closest friends, I had super-human energy.  But that was my normal.   My husband used to say, “I get tired just watching you.”  Those days are over.  Now I’m learning the skill of relaxing and retreating in order to re-charge for the next day.When I first started slowing down, I thought I might be sick.  But physical exams proved that wasn’t the case.  I was simply aging.  There is a reason athletes reach a peak and eventually have to retire from the sport they love.  They simply can’t keep pace any longer.  The mind says “go for it”.  The passion is still there.  But the body can’t cooperate.  This is part of being human.

I once heard an older person say, “How did young me get locked into this old body?”  That is how I’m beginning to feel.  Even my eyesight has betrayed me, limiting my night vision.  It seems that my mind and body are at war.   For the first time in my life I have to prioritize and strategize to budget my energy expenditures.  I have the passion to keep up my former pace, but my body fights me every step of the way.  So, I’m seeking ways to keep my body energized enough to support the essentials of my professional and personal life and what I still want to accomplish in the world.

It starts with nutrition and exercise and sleep.  My husband and I switched to the Paleo diet on January 1.  We did the complete 30 day restart and then moved to the 80-20 rule.  I’ve stuck with it and have lost about 15 pounds.  I take my vitamins, including Lutein for my eyesight.  We turned half of our garage into a gym, complete with weights, that big ball, a Bow Flex, yoga mats, a treadmill, and a stationary bike.  I’ve been religiously working out before work Monday-Friday for 45 minutes to an hour.  My Fitbit helps me to keep moving during the day and I average about 12,000 steps Monday-Friday and 11 of 12 movement goals per hour.  However, I fail miserably at getting the recommended seven hours of sleep, only reaching about six on a good day.  It is an improvement over the five hours I was averaging, but  I’m still searching for the magic bullet that will get me to seven.  The cooler room, the eye mask, the consistent bedtime, and the evening light bulbs in the bedroom have helped me reach six hours.   I refuse to try sleeping pills again because I wake up drowsy.  Even though I only get six hours of sleep, I wake up feeling refreshed and ready to move.  However, everything I read says that seven to seven and a half hours is the gold standard for all around good health and energy.

One thing my aging body has forced upon my type A, Achiever personality is learning to relax and retreat as a way to also re-charge.  Shopping was my favorite retreat, but I’ve reached my “stuff” capacity and saving more money for retirement is a greater priority.  A few years ago, I felt compelled to start working more with my hands beyond my usual gardening.  I started by knitting a bunch of hats for newborns for a charity.  I moved on to painting about 30 clay pots for my garden.  I worked on adult pencil coloring books.  I sewed a bunch of Little Dresses for Africa.  And now, I’m into working on 1000 piece jigsaw puzzles.  At my husband’s brilliant suggestion, I take a picture of the finished puzzle and use it as the screen saver on my phone until I finish the next one.  That suggestion satisfied the guilt I felt over wasting my time with a jigsaw puzzle that I just tore up after completing it.  I notice that I feel relaxed and happy when I’m gardening, working on my puzzle, or decorating the house for the season.

I’m also the most relaxed and happy when I retreat to a favorite restaurant alone with a great book on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon before or after running errands.

And finally, I’ve learned to say “no” more often and I’ve pushed chores to the weekend, especially cooking dinner for the week to make weekdays easier.  I’ve come to understand that doing relaxing activities after work, like working on my puzzle or watching a couple of hours of television have become my necessary new normal.  I’m simply too exhausted for anything more and surprisingly, this relaxation helps recharge my mental and physical batteries.  I admit that I struggle with the guilt of being lazy, the resentment of being limited, and the loss of my younger, more energized, body.  I’ll settle for  acceptance of my older body if appreciation is not entirely possible.