I’m both a participant and an observer of this role called “grandparent”. My social science background compels me to watch and learn and then share my findings. Since becoming a grandmother, I’ve made a few observations that many can relate to. First, I must admit that I absolutely feel the dopamine hit I get every time I see pictures or videos of my grandchildren. I get a deep feeling of love watching my three grandsons’ journey from infancy to toddlerhood to kindergarten. I have a new grandson coming this August and another in the first part of 2027. Yes, it would be nice to have a granddaughter in the mix and perhaps that will happen. I would have been great to have become a grandparent about 10 years sooner, but like many young couples these days, my kids all got a late start.
Even at this age, being in the presence of my grandchildren is pure bliss. That’s why I hopped on yet another airplane and few 5 hours across the country for a two-week visit in Philadelphia. Getting down on the floor is a bit tougher, but I do it. And my energy level isn’t nearly what it used to be. But it is undeniable that most grandparents of any age have all the upsides of being with their grandchildren and none of the downsides if they are lucky enough to never have to step back into the role of parent. At my age, I wouldn’t even attempt to do it. It wouldn’t be fair to my grandchildren.
But I’ve known a few younger grandmothers who ended up raising their grandchildren because of unfortunate circumstances involving the parents. It’s not an ideal situation, but the women I know who did it or are still doing it, deserve high praise. Raising children is best suited for the young and I see the superhuman effort these grandmothers put forth, sometimes without the gratitude and support of the actual parents. I believe their unconditional love for their grandchildren shields the children from any anger and resentment they may have towards the absentee parents.
The thing I’ve noticed more than anything is the willingness of grandparents to spend money they do not have on helping to raise their grandchildren. I recently had lunch with a dear friend who was looking for a part-time job in addition to her full-time position to be able to afford an unreasonable level of generosity towards her adult children and her grandchild in order to keep them close. Hers is a multigenerational household, and her greatest fear is that her son and his wife will move out and take the grandson with them if she charges them a reasonable amount for household expenses. Her retired husband provides full-time childcare, and they pay nearly all the household bills allowing her son and daughter-in-law to work and spend extravagantly.
The fact of the matter is that grandparents can be suckers. We have to check each other to make sure we aren’t doing too much. For a while, I was falling into that trap. I love buying clothes and toys for my grandsons, but sometimes I have to stop myself from overdoing it and from offering to pay for extracurricular activities. Not only is our generosity an expression of our love, but it feels good to give and we really want to ensure that our grandchildren live the best life possible. We want everything for them.
Sometimes that desire makes us a bit too vocal with our advice. It’s hard to bite our tongue and trust that our children will recognize and address the challenges, dangers, and concerns we see. I’ve experienced the wrath of my children for saying too much and it’s not pleasant. I’ve asked them to just listen and thank me for my observation and then do whatever they deem best without feeling defensive or arguing. I realize that they worry they might get something wrong and that they are often a little insecure and so they become easily offended by unsolicited observations or advice. They mistake it for being judged and found lacking when nothing can be further from the truth. I ask myself if some things are even worth mentioning. I try to remind them that I am coming from a place of love and caring, not of distrust or criticism. I’m just an extra pair of loving eyes with life experience that may prove helpful.
Unfortunately, navigating the advice sphere is the toughest part of being a grandparent and I know too many grandparents who have been barred from seeing their grandchildren because they have offended their adult children. They were labeled as controlling or toxic or worse when they were really just deeply concerned about a particular issue. The hurt caused by this fracture negatively impacts both the grandchildren and the grandparents, to say nothing about the fracture in the parent-adult child relationship. Social scientists have begun to publish the actual cognitive and emotional benefits children and grandparent get from spending time together. It is truly a win-win situation, so we need to do our best to preserve the relationship with our adult children.
As a grandparent, I can say with certainty that I experience cognitive and emotional benefits from being with my grandchildren as well. Just this morning, I experienced another dopamine hit from just waking up to the sound of my grandsons playing on the floor above me. So, it is imperative to maintain healthy communication and healthy financial boundaries around the relationship with our adult children. Sometimes that means remaining silent and other times that means putting away the checkbook.
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