Recently my husband and I complained that no one told us what life was going to be like as senior citizens. Neither of our parents lived that long. We were almost completely ignorant of what happens to our bodies, our finances, our relationships, our activities, and how others treat us when we retire. We were unaware that our cabinets would be overflowing with medications and that our metabolism would slow to almost zero despite our continued appetite for delicious food. We didn’t count on a loss of night vision and a heavy reliance on glasses until cataract surgery could be performed. Nor did we believe that exposure to loud noises in our youth would truly result in the need for hearing aids. One thing for sure though, it is a privilege to live this long with adequate funds, a sound mind, senior discounts, and a fairly functional body. Relatively speaking, we have it pretty good. We are aware that many seniors do not.
The journey through old age is wrought with physical challenges, slower cognitive abilities and perhaps memory loss. Most surprising is that it is impossible to escape the varying levels of sporadic grief. Beloved family members, lifelong friends, former colleagues, new friends and even pets die on a weekly basis. However, nothing hits us as hard as the untimely deaths of young people we know and love. Not surprisingly, I’m meeting far more widows than widowers in my journey through old age. It’s unusual for the surviving spouse to continue without going through a period of depression and if they emerge from it, a complete reorganization of their life. Sociologists tell us that women emerge stronger than men because women are better at nurturing themselves and they rely more heavily on social relationships. I wouldn’t be surprised if elderly men are more prone to isolate themselves after the death of their wives.
From what I’ve gathered, our inevitable death isn’t so dreaded as it once was, but the need for careful estate planning takes priority for many of us. My husband and I included. I’m meticulous about it. I’ve noticed that others are content to let their family and the state sort things out after they are gone. I’ve seen that mess up front, and it can destroy families. Basic estate planning is a must for those who care about their end-of-life decisions, their funeral and remains, and the distribution of the assets they spent a lifetime accumulating. For those of us with real assets, a living trust (which includes a will) is worth the time and financial investment. It has to be updated at least every two years or upon major changes like the death or birth of family members or the acquisition of major new assets. It’s also important to pay attention to changing laws.
I’m finding that there is great joy in watching our grandchildren and great-grandchildren being born and growing up. Among my circle of elderly friends, we spend a great deal of our time-sharing stories and pictures from our last visit with our grandchildren. Among the younger elderly, say 65 -80, a good portion of our travel budget is spent traveling the country for weeks at a time to visit the grandchildren. Some continue to travel the world, but that was something I did in my mid 40s through my 50s. I no longer have the desire to sit on a plane longer than 6 hours. And my husband’s back won’t allow him to sit on a plane at all. I’m glad we did our most desired world travel before we retired.
I’m especially grateful these days for the Active Adult Center in my small city. There are others throughout Ventura Country and members travel between them for various activities. I first joined the Monday morning knit and crochet group. They are a highly diverse group of ladies ranging in age from 66-90. Our 92-year-old friend passed away in her sleep several months ago after a short, undefined illness and a rapid cognitive decline. Every member of this group has mourned the death of at least one loved over the past year, including me. More than a year ago, I joined the Friday morning Bocce group. I participated in the Senior Olympics and won a gold medal in the darts competition. I marveled at the folks who participated in the annual senior talent show, realizing that talent and the desire to perform endures. I recently started playing Mahjong every Thursday and staying for the free lunch at the Center afterward. The food is terrible, but the fellowship is fun because our Center is so diverse (like California) and the life experiences of the people is so rich and interesting. Next door to the Active Adult Center is our city library. I joined the adult book club and thoroughly enjoy the lively book discussions among these intellectual and mature ladies who attend every month. Some are also members at the senior center.
I’ve learned that the greatest threat to our physical wellbeing and continued mobility is a bad fall. My husband and I both wear watches that can sense a fall and call emergency help if needed. I know people who have benefitted from this technology. In 1982, at age 94, my great-grandmother fell and broke her hip. The injury led to her death soon afterward. There are many examples of life-altering falls that I can now point to, but I’ll share the story that affects us the most these days. Just two years ago, our elderly next-door neighbors were very active in their church, around the house, and they traveled a lot. In the course of one year, both had falls that landed them in the hospital and rendered them home bound with a nurse aide who visits them several times a week. Thankfully, they had moved here shortly after retirement from up north to be closer to their daughter and grandchildren. That too, is a common practice I’ve seen among my elderly friends. I’ve met many people who left behind their former independent lives to move in with or at least closer to their adult children. But sometimes even that isn’t enough. One night, their daughter was at a dance recital for her teenage daughter, and not wanting to disturb her, they called me help get the husband into bed. I’ve driven the wife to the hospital when no one else was available. My husband was called upon a few times to help lift the wife from the floor. He did it to the detriment of his ongoing back problems.
Growing old is a blessing that comes with strings attached. There are more doctor’s appointments and dental appointments than I knew were feasible to fit into a weekly calendar. We pay for the rough activities of our youth in old age. I have arthritis in my knees, hands, and shoulders that require cortisone shots and physical therapy. I have numerous friends who have had knee replacements, hip replacements and back surgeries. It’s no fun. All those sports activities and abuse in our youth may cost us. Pickle ball is keeping physical therapists extremely busy as senior injuries pile up. However, we pay even greater price if we are sedentary. Body parts stop working if we fail to use them. An active brain, an active body, and an active social life are key to enjoying old age. I’m inspired by the mentally sharp and physically active 80 and 90 plus folks at the Center who drive themselves around and participate in all sorts of activities. One of my 90-year-old friends, drove her 22-year-old niece visiting from South America to San Francisco and back. Seeing these role models motivates me to keep stretching, gardening, and walking every day. I might try tai chi again.
I’ll conclude by sharing the story of one of our closest friends, a retired scientist, who regularly shares fish from his frequent deep sea fishing trips. At dinner this past last week, I asked about his elderly mother whom they (he and his wife) had moved to a senior living facility when she turned 98 after he discovered that his “caregiver” sister was leaving her in complete isolation every day and ignoring her needs. Some people mistakenly think that elderly people no longer have desires, needs, values, nor preferences. My greatest fear is being at the mercy of a caregiver who feels that way. Thankfully, his mother is now 102 and is living her best life among new friends. She is socially more active than he ever recalls, and she is even taking boxing lessons.
Old age comes with its challenges, but when I think of the alternative, I’m willing to do what is necessary to make it as rewarding as possible.