Month: July 2026

I’ve seen a lot of Instagram posts these days mocking young women describing themselves as traditional wives or “trad wives”. These pretty young women in their early twenties brag about their happy marriage to a domineering alpha man. Without life experience nor knowledge of previous female hardships, they forego higher education in favor of maximizing their physical attractiveness while highlighting a level of vulnerability and dependence that strokes the male ego. They promote scary levels submissiveness, relishing their role as “helper” while offering to have produce as many babies as possible and playing Susie Homemaker. They are outspoken in their belief that women should give up the right to vote in favor of allowing their husband to vote on their behalf. And of course, sex with their husband is non-negotiable as it is their duty. When they speak, I feel like I’m watching a character right out of the Hulu series, “The Testaments” (the sequel to the “Handmaid’s Tale”, also written by Margaret Atwood in 1985). I think these young women genuinely want to live a good life. However, I recognize that they are naive, short-sighted, and far too eager to encourage other young women to follow in their footsteps.

I’m pretty certain that Republican white male “Christian” nationalists are behind this trad wife movement to subjugate women by funding it and promoting it. Republican legislatures in red states refuse to pass laws banning child marriage. This president is soft on sex crimes against girls and women. Their abortion bans and the prosecution of women who have had miscarriages further highlight their nefarious agenda. Their move to suppress the vote of women through the SAVE ACT is clear evidence. Even the refusal of Pete Hegseth to promote women to higher military ranks is indicative of where this movement is heading. Fox News host, Jesse Watters, joked about military women and women at ports needing to “be careful” because “these guys are going to be wild animals, and you better watch out” because of the testosterone boosting policy Hegseth just put into place.

These young women are likely daughters socialized in conservative evangelical churches to believe that the God sanctioned role of women is to marry, have children, keep silence, and submit to their husbands. They are taught to view too much education as a threat and undesirable to men. Feminism and self-sufficiency among women are the deceptive work of the devil. I know these women and how they think because I personally rejected this line of thinking when I was a teenager, vowing that I would never marry if this was what awaited me. I knew then that nothing short of an equal partnership in marriage would work for my dignity as a creation of God. It’s as though these people are using author Margaret Atwood’s 1985 and 2019 fictional books at their actual guidebook.

I have to surmise that there must be a passive personality, a lack of confidence, a lack of self-awareness, a lack intelligence or just blind faith in the young women who accept this lifestyle. Admittedly, most of the trad wives I have known were not very smart. This could have been because of the church and parental expectations they experienced since birth. I know they were raised to view themselves as below men in authority and subject to them. However, any girl raised alongside boys (like I was) knows there is something inherently wrong with the notion that boys are more capable and that suppressing one’s gifts, one’s intellectual curiosity, foregoing one’s autonomy, and that leaving oneself completely dependent on the whims of males is unwise. Inside, these young women know, as I knew, that they aren’t inherently dumber or less talented or less capable than their male counterparts. But some of them are convinced that God’s just punishment for women is for them is to have children and to protect the fragile male ego. And so, they will pretend to be content. Like the girls in “The Testaments” and on social media, they just want to be “picked”. And when they are, they will keep silent to keep the peace. They will feign meekness and look pretty. They will panic and pray in private every time poor decisions are made by a husband who has no reason to respect their opinions. Until they can’t.

This kind of suppression and pretending doesn’t last and neither does their outward beauty. And none of this is without emotional consequence. Only the more intellectually challenged, naturally passive, or emotionally damaged women are cut out to be trad wives. Most women have egos, too. Like Eve, most women are intellectually curious. And constantly belittling oneself will take a toll on such women. Many will eventually find themselves increasingly unable to bite their tongues. And sometimes violence or infidelity from the man who was supposed to protect them will be the result.

The scenario I have repeatedly seen among women who choose to be trad wives is pretty predictable. The man can’t escape his vices. He’s a serial cheater. He gambles. He drinks too much. He is prone to violence. He can’t keep a job. He spends too much on toys. He is inconsiderate. He takes too many risks. Like the previous traditional wives before them, most of these young women will find themselves trapped in an unhappy marriage and without the means to escape. It’s too common for the husband to eventually leave the trad wife for a younger model. Or should their husband die prematurely, they are ill-equipped to survive on their own so they will struggle until they find a new man to care for them and their children, hoping he is good to them. I’ve also met a few former trad wives who broke free and got their education and became independent self-sufficient women who may or may not find true partnerships later in life.

It should be a huge red flag to young women that there aren’t a lot of older trad wives out there promoting this lifestyle. There is a reason for this, and I hope that more experienced women share the necessity of self-sufficiency and loving partnerships that preserves both egos as a more satisfying alternative. A bit more mentorship and candid conversations with our daughters, grand-daughters and nieces is needed to combat the promotion of female subjugation. Or a viewing of “The Handmaid’s Tale” and the “The Testaments” on Hulu might do the job.

Recently my husband and I complained that no one told us what life was going to be like as senior citizens. Neither of our parents lived that long. We were almost completely ignorant of what happens to our bodies, our finances, our relationships, our activities, and how others treat us when we retire. We were unaware that our cabinets would be overflowing with medications and that our metabolism would slow to almost zero despite our continued appetite for delicious food. We didn’t count on a loss of night vision and a heavy reliance on glasses until cataract surgery could be performed. Nor did we believe that exposure to loud noises in our youth would truly result in the need for hearing aids. One thing for sure though, it is a privilege to live this long with adequate funds, a sound mind, senior discounts, and a fairly functional body. Relatively speaking, we have it pretty good. We are aware that many seniors do not.

The journey through old age is wrought with physical challenges, slower cognitive abilities and perhaps memory loss. Most surprising is that it is impossible to escape the varying levels of sporadic grief. Beloved family members, lifelong friends, former colleagues, new friends and even pets die on a weekly basis. However, nothing hits us as hard as the untimely deaths of young people we know and love. Not surprisingly, I’m meeting far more widows than widowers in my journey through old age. It’s unusual for the surviving spouse to continue without going through a period of depression and if they emerge from it, a complete reorganization of their life. Sociologists tell us that women emerge stronger than men because women are better at nurturing themselves and they rely more heavily on social relationships. I wouldn’t be surprised if elderly men are more prone to isolate themselves after the death of their wives.

From what I’ve gathered, our inevitable death isn’t so dreaded as it once was, but the need for careful estate planning takes priority for many of us. My husband and I included. I’m meticulous about it. I’ve noticed that others are content to let their family and the state sort things out after they are gone. I’ve seen that mess up front, and it can destroy families. Basic estate planning is a must for those who care about their end-of-life decisions, their funeral and remains, and the distribution of the assets they spent a lifetime accumulating. For those of us with real assets, a living trust (which includes a will) is worth the time and financial investment. It has to be updated at least every two years or upon major changes like the death or birth of family members or the acquisition of major new assets. It’s also important to pay attention to changing laws.

I’m finding that there is great joy in watching our grandchildren and great-grandchildren being born and growing up. Among my circle of elderly friends, we spend a great deal of our time-sharing stories and pictures from our last visit with our grandchildren. Among the younger elderly, say 65 -80, a good portion of our travel budget is spent traveling the country for weeks at a time to visit the grandchildren. Some continue to travel the world, but that was something I did in my mid 40s through my 50s. I no longer have the desire to sit on a plane longer than 6 hours. And my husband’s back won’t allow him to sit on a plane at all. I’m glad we did our most desired world travel before we retired.

I’m especially grateful these days for the Active Adult Center in my small city. There are others throughout Ventura Country and members travel between them for various activities. I first joined the Monday morning knit and crochet group. They are a highly diverse group of ladies ranging in age from 66-90. Our 92-year-old friend passed away in her sleep several months ago after a short, undefined illness and a rapid cognitive decline. Every member of this group has mourned the death of at least one loved over the past year, including me. More than a year ago, I joined the Friday morning Bocce group. I participated in the Senior Olympics and won a gold medal in the darts competition. I marveled at the folks who participated in the annual senior talent show, realizing that talent and the desire to perform endures. I recently started playing Mahjong every Thursday and staying for the free lunch at the Center afterward. The food is terrible, but the fellowship is fun because our Center is so diverse (like California) and the life experiences of the people is so rich and interesting. Next door to the Active Adult Center is our city library. I joined the adult book club and thoroughly enjoy the lively book discussions among these intellectual and mature ladies who attend every month. Some are also members at the senior center.

I’ve learned that the greatest threat to our physical wellbeing and continued mobility is a bad fall. My husband and I both wear watches that can sense a fall and call emergency help if needed. I know people who have benefitted from this technology. In 1982, at age 94, my great-grandmother fell and broke her hip. The injury led to her death soon afterward. There are many examples of life-altering falls that I can now point to, but I’ll share the story that affects us the most these days. Just two years ago, our elderly next-door neighbors were very active in their church, around the house, and they traveled a lot. In the course of one year, both had falls that landed them in the hospital and rendered them home bound with a nurse aide who visits them several times a week. Thankfully, they had moved here shortly after retirement from up north to be closer to their daughter and grandchildren. That too, is a common practice I’ve seen among my elderly friends. I’ve met many people who left behind their former independent lives to move in with or at least closer to their adult children. But sometimes even that isn’t enough. One night, their daughter was at a dance recital for her teenage daughter, and not wanting to disturb her, they called me help get the husband into bed. I’ve driven the wife to the hospital when no one else was available. My husband was called upon a few times to help lift the wife from the floor. He did it to the detriment of his ongoing back problems.

Growing old is a blessing that comes with strings attached. There are more doctor’s appointments and dental appointments than I knew were feasible to fit into a weekly calendar. We pay for the rough activities of our youth in old age. I have arthritis in my knees, hands, and shoulders that require cortisone shots and physical therapy. I have numerous friends who have had knee replacements, hip replacements and back surgeries. It’s no fun. All those sports activities and abuse in our youth may cost us. Pickle ball is keeping physical therapists extremely busy as senior injuries pile up. However, we pay even greater price if we are sedentary. Body parts stop working if we fail to use them. An active brain, an active body, and an active social life are key to enjoying old age. I’m inspired by the mentally sharp and physically active 80 and 90 plus folks at the Center who drive themselves around and participate in all sorts of activities. One of my 90-year-old friends, drove her 22-year-old niece visiting from South America to San Francisco and back. Seeing these role models motivates me to keep stretching, gardening, and walking every day. I might try tai chi again.

I’ll conclude by sharing the story of one of our closest friends, a retired scientist, who regularly shares fish from his frequent deep sea fishing trips. At dinner this past last week, I asked about his elderly mother whom they (he and his wife) had moved to a senior living facility when she turned 98 after he discovered that his “caregiver” sister was leaving her in complete isolation every day and ignoring her needs. Some people mistakenly think that elderly people no longer have desires, needs, values, nor preferences. My greatest fear is being at the mercy of a caregiver who feels that way. Thankfully, his mother is now 102 and is living her best life among new friends. She is socially more active than he ever recalls, and she is even taking boxing lessons.

Old age comes with its challenges, but when I think of the alternative, I’m willing to do what is necessary to make it as rewarding as possible.

It’s a not-so-happy 4th of July for me. Unlike in previous years, I didn’t host nor attend a 4th of July celebration. I’m not listening to patriotic music or hanging the flag outside. If I were to hang it, it would be hung upside down as a sign of distress. With conflicted emotions, I briefly watched the local fireworks display from my bedroom window. This 4th of July, I’m simply not proud of my nation. I’m patriotic for sure, but I feel our current condition is not worth celebrating. A few days ago, PBS, NPR and Marist released the results of a poll they took ahead of our 250th anniversary and they revealed some interesting results that are both disturbing and unclear as to the root of people’s responses.

First of all, I’m not at all surprised that 93% of Republicans say that they are proud to be Americans while only 45% of Democrats and 61% of Independents feel that way. The divide clearly indicates that Republicans are either ignoring the current corruption, cruelty, cowardice, and incompetence leading the nation or they believe the drastic rulings from the Supreme Court and the unfettered actions of the Trump administration are moving the country in their preferred direction. They detest our diversity, viewing it as a threat because they believe white “Christian” culture is being undermined or replaced. They despise the notion of fairness because they don’t think they should have to compete with women or outsiders for anything. And they view inclusion as outsiders and women trying to rob them of their rightful position of supremacy. With this viewpoint, it’s understandable that they feel proud that America is finally pushing back against the black and brown people, the gays and transgender, the religious minorities, and independent women who are demanding the rights and freedoms they believe is solely their birthright as white “Christian” men. On the 4th of July, 400 masked members of the white nationalist/white suprematist group, Patriot Front, grabbed headlines as they marched through D.C. clad in khakis and blue shirts, carrying both the American and Confederate flags and passing out leaflets that explain their anti-immigrant pro-white ideals.

The truly scary thing about the poll is that 58% of people under 30 believe that violence might be needed to set the country on the right path. I suspect the percentage is considerably higher among young men on both sides of the political spectrum. According to the poll, almost half of Americans believe that the country has strayed from its founding ideals and principles. I can see that being true. The problem is that liberals and conservatives can’t agree on which founding ideals and principles we should be pursuing.

Liberals cite the Declaration of Independence and the preamble to the Constitution as the aspirational direction of the country. We believe that the founders pointed us in the direction of all men being created equal and entitled to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. We believe they were purposeful in not establishing a state religion and proclaiming equal justice under the law. Although most of them were slave owners whose wives, daughters, mothers, aunts and sisters couldn’t vote, we believe they pointed the nation towards a future without slavery and towards equal rights for all Americans regardless of race, gender, religion, sexual orientation or national origin.

On the other hand, the current Republican Party sees something entirely different. They see the founders as rich white Christian men who believed God favored them and handed this nation over to them. They believe white men conquered the natives by God’s divine favor as some kind of righteous, (not heinous) acts of violence against humanity. They believe in the supremacy and entitlement of white Christian men and that the spoils of this nation belong solely to them. They believe that God ordains the submission of women to men. They believe their ancestors came here legally (even though legal immigration wasn’t a thing for many years). They think that opening the country to non-white immigrants was a mistake. So, they agree with Trump that newcomers from “shithole” countries (non-white countries) should be expelled or encouraged to self-deport. Those people of color who remain and all women, should rightly be considered second class citizens who serve the national interest as they see it. That’s what these masked young men were marching in support of.

Donald Trump, Mike Johnson, Elon Musk, Steven Miller, and the Heritage Foundation are moving the nation in that direction. The stacked and corrupt conservative Supreme Court is helping them. They turned abortion rights over to the states. They granted Trump immunity from criminal prosecution. They allowed the racial profiling of ICE agents in their pursuit of undocumented people. They allowed Trump to revoke the protected status of Haitians and Syrians. They gave Trump the right to fire people from independent agencies without cause (except members of the Federal Reserve). They removed yet another obstacle to dark money in our political elections. They removed voting rights protections. They favored the rights of Christians over the religious or non-religious rights of others. And what should have been a unanimous decision on birthright citizenship based on the clear writing in the 14th Amendment was only a 6-3 decision upholding the citizenship of persons born in the United States.

The Supreme Court upheld counting mail-in ballots post-marked by election day because not doing so would disenfranchise military members and too many others unable to make it to the polls. They also seem to deny Trump’s decisions that could damage the economy such as tariffs and his ability to fire someone on the Board of the Federal Reserve. We all know that President Trump is illegally enriching himself and his family through insider trading, taking bribes, grifts like his meme coins, extortion, and no-bid contracts to his friends. But the Republicans and MAGA ignore his criminality and egomaniac behaviors because they see that through him, they have the opportunity to push the nation toward white “Christian” nationalism. Their hatred and fear of independent women and people who look and believe different from them drives their passion for Trump.

Just imagining what this country would be like if white Christian nationalists have their way is frightening. The civil rights, livelihoods, and future prospects of people of color, women, religious minorities, and the LGBTQ people would be turned upside down. I think those 58% of young people under 30 believe that their future is under threat and worth fighting for using violence if necessary. They have lives and futures to protect. A larger percentage are likely liberal, and a smaller portion are highly organized into groups like the Patriot Front. They are young white male suprematists and Nazi sympathizers who realize their current numbers, poor job preparation and mediocrity isn’t enough to compete with the growing numbers of more highly educated independent women, hard-working immigrants, academics, celebratory LGBTQ folks, and visibly talented black folks. The presidency of Barack Obama only solidified their insecurity. Instead of celebrating Obama’s integrity, brilliance, and competence, they felt threatened by him and his equally brilliant wife, Michelle Obama. The candidacies Hillary Clinton and Kamala Harris were yet another signal that were losing control.

This fall, people who aspire to continue the nation’s pursuit of equality and justice for all must support candidates with our voices, our pocketbooks and our votes to replace the complicit and cowardly Republicans who are moving this nation away from liberty and justice for all towards liberty and justice solely for white males. However, this election goes, I fear there will be violence from young men in groups like the Patriot Front. The question is which ideals and principles our laws will favor moving forward.